My MM wants to confess

[DarkAngel87]

I posted my story on here before, although I haven’t posted in a while. I wished I would have listened to all the advice I was given when I stared posting maybe then I would have not found myself in this predicament.

 

I stared my affair with my MM last January and we continued to see each other on and off again since then. In October we both decided to go NC with each in hopes of putting the affair to bed. It only lasted a week before he broke NC and we stared communicating again.

 

My MM stared doing IC with his pastor in November hopes of find why he wasn’t able to end the affair. His counselor/pastor has urged him to come clean to his wife and that’s its only way he can truly start to fix his marriage and end the affair.

 

This past Monday we meet for lunch and he told me was going to come clean and tell his wife everything. At first I was shocked but I was supportive of his decision. As I started thinking what his confession could mean to me I stared worrying. I sent my MM an email asking him to find another way to fix his marriage and that I was scared what his wife could do if she found out about me and the affair. I wasn’t able to change but I asked him to at least not tell her it was me he had the affair with me. He give me his word he wouldn’t tell his wife about me.

 

Now I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared about what his wife will do if she finds out his affair with me. I know he said he wasn’t going to tell his wife about me but is that enough. I know I would do most anything to find out who the women my man was sleeping with. I think most women would want to know. I’m scared what she could do if she finds out it was with me he had the affair with. I need help I have no idea what to do.

[Realist3]

Rest assured he my try and keep your name out of it, but that won't last for very long. What to do? Not much you can do but grab your ankles and hold on tight.

[CarrieT]

He give me his word he wouldn’t tell his wife about me.

He also gave his wife a vow... Didn't he?

 

 

 

Seriously, he is going to throw you under the bus as most affair partners do when they get to the point of trying to fix their marriage.

 

You played with fire and now you risk getting burned. I don't mean this to be cruel, it is simply what happens and there is nothing you can do but prepare for the worst, put on your Big Girl Pants, and take it.

[Rainbowlove]

There's not much you can do other than be prepared to face the consequences and her rage.

 

She will demand to know. If I were you, I would just own it.

 

I let my AP's spouse rip into me a few times. It sucks. I didn't say much other than sorry.

 

Though my AP never faced my wife. My wife never felt the need to confront her, but I think that's rare and not really my wife's personality. She's tough, but said she didn't want to stoop to her level.

 

Good luck.

[Scarlet2]

At least he gave a heads up and didn't blindside you. However, the IC with his pastor, maybe he should hold off telling his wife until he can talk to someone who doesn't know her so that the advice is impartial.

[whichwayisup]

If she finds that is was you and contacts you then you do the adult thing. You own your part in having an affair with her husband. You apologize for helping to hurt and betray her. If she asks questions, you do your best to answer her honestly.

[scatterd]

You took that chance being with a married man. He should tell her if he has any honest chance of working it out. Cheating has caused lies abd deception in their marriage. He did his wife wrong. If she calls be honest she deserve the truth.Just imagine her pain. good luck

[BrokenPrincess]

What exactly are you so afraid of? That your bf will find out? Or of losing your job?

 

My xMM told his W exactly who I was & we're now 2 years past their DDay, and I've never heard from her. Deep breaths OP, deep breaths...

[beach]

I don't think he will willingly tell her.

 

Most cheaters don't.

[waterwoman]

I knew who the ow was. She had even been to my house a few times. I knew where she lived. I chose to leave her well alone after Dday. I preferred to keep want little remained of my dignity in place. However I know she was scared of the confrontation because when we met by accident she blushed red as a tomato and hurried away. I guess that fear is always going to remain but I suspect that is on of the inevitable but unintended consequences. After all an affair produces enough misery to go round.

[FusionCutter]

I posted my story on here before, although I haven’t posted in a while. I wished I would have listened to all the advice I was given when I stared posting maybe then I would have not found myself in this predicament.

 

I stared my affair with my MM last January and we continued to see each other on and off again since then. In October we both decided to go NC with each in hopes of putting the affair to bed. It only lasted a week before he broke NC and we stared communicating again.

 

My MM stared doing IC with his pastor in November hopes of find why he wasn’t able to end the affair. His counselor/pastor has urged him to come clean to his wife and that’s its only way he can truly start to fix his marriage and end the affair.

 

This past Monday we meet for lunch and he told me was going to come clean and tell his wife everything. At first I was shocked but I was supportive of his decision. As I started thinking what his confession could mean to me I stared worrying. I sent my MM an email asking him to find another way to fix his marriage and that I was scared what his wife could do if she found out about me and the affair. I wasn’t able to change but I asked him to at least not tell her it was me he had the affair with me. He give me his word he wouldn’t tell his wife about me.

 

Now I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared about what his wife will do if she finds out his affair with me. I know he said he wasn’t going to tell his wife about me but is that enough. I know I would do most anything to find out who the women my man was sleeping with. I think most women would want to know. I’m scared what she could do if she finds out it was with me he had the affair with. I need help I have no idea what to do.

 

What did you expect to get out of the affair when you first started it? What do you want to happen? You need to answer some of these questions to remove yourself from the shortsightedness that you have. Once you figure out what you want it will be very easy to figure out the next course of action. Do you still want to continue with this man?

[jellybean89]

Most likely, he will tell her that you chased him, you were relentless, he only wanted to be your friend, but you kept pursuing him. He will blame you for his cheating.

 

Why are you so scared? You knew he was married and kept up the affair. I hope he does tell her it was you so you have consequences for your behavior / actions. When you play with fire, you will get burned.

[veggirl]

If he comes clean with the affair OF COURSE he will tell her who you are. What are you afraid of her doing? Just yelling and stuff? You don't have to take her calls etc. Are you afraid of VIOLENCE? Or just reputation stuff? I mean if it's the latter...you made your bed so...?

[spookysonata]

Agree with the other posters. You're bold enough to sleep with another woman's husband but you're scared she'll find out who you are? That's pretty cowardly if you'll pardon me for saying so. She has a right to know since she's potentially being exposed to stds, not to mention that you're interfering in her marriage.

Expect him to tell her. If she contacts you take your medicine like an adult.

[DarkAngel87]

What exactly are you so afraid of? That your bf will find out? Or of losing your job?

 

My xMM told his W exactly who I was & we're now 2 years past their DDay, and I've never heard from her. Deep breaths OP, deep breaths...

 

That’s exactly what I am afraid of. I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if he would some how find out.

 

My MM and I still work for the same company but I am actively looking for another job. Although I doubt she would do anything at work. I am still kind of worried about something at work happening tho.

[FusionCutter]

That’s exactly what I am afraid of. I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if he would some how find out.

 

My MM and I still work for the same company but I am actively looking for another job. Although I doubt she would do anything at work. I am still kind of worried about something at work happening tho.

 

Oh you're married? You really have to face reality of what you've done. You honestly should consider telling your husband. At the very least, NC with your MM.

[CarrieT]

That’s exactly what I am afraid of. I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair.

Cushion the blow and tell your husband before it is told to him.

 

Come clean.

[AlwaysGrowing]

That’s exactly what I am afraid of. I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if he would some how find out.

 

My MM and I still work for the same company but I am actively looking for another job. Although I doubt she would do anything at work. I am still kind of worried about something at work happening tho.

 

 

You chose the action, you chose the consequence.

 

You need to stop thinking and EXPECTING you are above any other person.

 

You should expect everything you have listed, it is exactly what happens when one chooses a workplace affair while married with a married co-worker.

 

Not only should one expect to be found out and widespread exposure...one should know that it also deserved.

[DarkAngel87]

What did you expect to get out of the affair when you first started it? What do you want to happen? You need to answer some of these questions to remove yourself from the shortsightedness that you have. Once you figure out what you want it will be very easy to figure out the next course of action. Do you still want to continue with this man?

 

 

My affair was more about me having some I could spend time with while my SO was gone. I treated my MM like a boyfriend but I didn’t expect anything from him. Neither one of us wanted or planned to leave our partners for one another. We both tried to give each other what our partners weren’t giving to us. I don’t plan to continue any kind of relationship with my AP besides a friendship.

[FusionCutter]

My affair was more about me having some I could spend time with while my SO was gone. I treated my MM like a boyfriend but I didn’t expect anything from him. Neither one of us wanted or planned to leave our partners for one another. We both tried to give each other what our partners weren’t giving to us. I don’t plan to continue any kind of relationship with my AP besides a friendship.

 

Any friendship you have with this MM is not only continually disrespectful to your husband, but it will also be a continuation of the affair.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My affair was more about me having some I could spend time with while my SO was gone. I treated my MM like a boyfriend but I didn’t expect anything from him. Neither one of us wanted or planned to leave our partners for one another. We both tried to give each other what our partners weren’t giving to us. I don’t plan to continue any kind of relationship with my AP besides a friendship.

 

Don't you see the exact same level of extreme selfishness that you had in your affair is also dominate in what YOU feel should be the consequences?

 

Not to mention, that your way....you get zero consequences, and you expect your AP to have the consequence of continuing to lie to his wife (a sure fire way for him to destroy ANY chance he has left in his marriage), the consequence of being lied to for his wife (playing around/gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse), and the consequence of being married to an unfaithful wife without your consent (forced cuckoldry).

 

You expect, even to the point of demanding/forcing that everyone else should shoulder the burden of your choices. Where did you learn this? Most people at a young age know that they alone take responsibility for their choices. That one takes the consequence because that is what they EARNED from that choice. It helps one to learn to make better choices in the future. Even more so, most learn that taking responsibility actually makes them feel better, that they stopped hurting other people and began the process of righting the wrong that they committed.

[whichwayisup]

That’s exactly what I am afraid of. I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair. I don’t even want to think about what could happen if he would some how find out.

 

My MM and I still work for the same company but I am actively looking for another job. Although I doubt she would do anything at work. I am still kind of worried about something at work happening tho.

 

You should think about confessing to your husband before someone else (aka MM's wife) tells him. Part of the consequence and fallout of having an affair is, when it ends, everybody gets hurt. You and MM both put yourselves in a situation where your reputations would be at risk as well as your marriages. If people find out, some may even know or suspect (office gossip), then you deal with it head on. You own your choices.

[whichwayisup]

My affair was more about me having some I could spend time with while my SO was gone. I treated my MM like a boyfriend but I didn’t expect anything from him. Neither one of us wanted or planned to leave our partners for one another. We both tried to give each other what our partners weren’t giving to us. I don’t plan to continue any kind of relationship with my AP besides a friendship.

 

No, if he is really confessing to your wife you can kiss the 'friendship' goodbye. It would be extremely selfish of you (and him) to continue on as 'friends'. Your affair IS over, right? His wife will NOT want and NOT approve of any friendship between the two of you, and also your husband - Think of him.

 

Did you not have women friends, family etc to hang out with while your H was gone? I assume he was working abroad..Still, it's one thing to be lonely but it's another to actually go get a boyfriend to fulfill needs while your H was away. He will find out, it's only a matter of time.

[beach]

IF he confesses there's no way to stay "friends". Mainly because you aren't a friend of their marriage and he isn't a friend of your M. Quite the contrary - the AP is the enemy of the M with potential to destroy the M.

 

And you THOUGHT last spring you COULD keep it just friendly but that didn't go that way. So you have evidence that you don't know how to adhere to a healthy boundary with "friends".

 

 

He may never confess. But how do you plan to change the way YOU participate that will change it?

 

Obviously every action has a reaction and now you are dealing with the "reaction" of your participation.

 

Are you willing to never ever communicate with him again whether he confesses or not?

[Realist3]

Consequences are highly overrated... just sayin'.