My MM wants to confess

[jbrent890]

I'm going to mirror what everyone else has been saying. It's over. It's time to clean house and tell your husband. I read your story. Even if he doesn't tell his wife, the chances of her putting it together and figuring out it was you is high. Right now you have the opportunity to finally be honest with your husband. Yes, there is a huge possibility your marriage will end, but that is the choice you made. I'm sorry but I don't see this ending well for you unless you confess. Also, if you decide to go down that route, don't hold back anything.

[goodyblue]

Man, you are in a pickle. Most BS's want details and 'Who is she' is question one. Your options are pretty limited. If he confesses can you trust him not to mention your name? Even if he doesn't is there a way to find out? A trail of evidence? Phone calls, emails etc.

 

If there is any way she can attach you to him then you must decide if you want your h to find out from you or her because 9/10 the BS let's the other BS know to stop the contact.

 

I hope you are ok. Terrible position to be in. Good luck.

[beach]

These are the possible reactions to your actions.

 

You knew it when you started.

 

Take whatever consequences come to you knowing you participated in a way that made a fallout the possible end result.

 

 

What are you learning from all of this?

[cif]

Your best shot at not having H find out is stopping MM from confessing. Is there a possibility he can change his mind?

[DarkAngel87]

I have put some serious thought into confessing. It really looks like it’s my only option. I don’t know how, where and when to tell him. It just isn’t that easy my husband and I have a unique marriage when only see each other a few times a year and live with one another for about 3 months out of the year. He will be back around Christmas for two weeks before he leaves again. Telling during Christmas isn’t something I want to do but the last thing I want is for him to hear it from someone else.

 

If we could still be friends after all of this, that would be great. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none and that’s ok with me. I know me not being in the picture is what’s best for him and his marriage if that what he wants.

[DarkAngel87]

IF he confesses there's no way to stay "friends". Mainly because you aren't a friend of their marriage and he isn't a friend of your M. Quite the contrary - the AP is the enemy of the M with potential to destroy the M.

 

And you THOUGHT last spring you COULD keep it just friendly but that didn't go that way. So you have evidence that you don't know how to adhere to a healthy boundary with "friends". Well I was doing good keeping at a friendship level its mostly him who always wanted more. That’s not to say I didn’t I was just ok being friends.

 

He may never confess. But how do you plan to change the way YOU participate that will change it? Honestly I wouldn’t really change anything if he doesn’t confess. I was fine with everything that was going on.

Obviously every action has a reaction and now you are dealing with the "reaction" of your participation. I know I played a part in everything that going on

 

Are you willing to never ever communicate with him again whether he confesses or not?

 

I have no problem going NC if that’s what my MM wants. We’ve done it a few times and it usually him that breaks NC.

[DKT3]

I have put some serious thought into confessing. It really looks like it’s my only option. I don’t know how, where and when to tell him. It just isn’t that easy my husband and I have a unique marriage when only see each other a few times a year and live with one another for about 3 months out of the year. He will be back around Christmas for two weeks before he leaves again. Telling during Christmas isn’t something I want to do but the last thing I want is for him to hear it from someone else.

 

If we could still be friends after all of this, that would be great. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none and that’s ok with me. I know me not being in the picture is what’s best for him and his marriage if that what he wants.

 

On the dawn of your boyfriends finding out about the affair and your focus is still your married boss and doing what's best for him.

 

Maybe you should just let the boyfriend go, its clear were your loyal and he deserves someone committed to him. Your commitment is to MM, and you won't be able to move forward in your relationship because of that.

[DarkAngel87]

Man, you are in a pickle. Most BS's want details and 'Who is she' is question one. Your options are pretty limited. If he confesses can you trust him not to mention your name? Even if he doesn't is there a way to find out? A trail of evidence? Phone calls, emails etc.

 

If there is any way she can attach you to him then you must decide if you want your h to find out from you or her because 9/10 the BS let's the other BS know to stop the contact.

 

I hope you are ok. Terrible position to be in. Good luck.

 

If his wife really wanted to find out who the other women was she would find out sooner or later it was me. My MM has done most everything wrong when it comes to trying to keep the affair a secret. I don’t even know how we made it this far without her finding out. I really have dug myself in a pretty big hole.

[Realist3]

I have put some serious thought into confessing. It really looks like it’s my only option. I don’t know how, where and when to tell him. It just isn’t that easy my husband and I have a unique marriage when only see each other a few times a year and live with one another for about 3 months out of the year. He will be back around Christmas for two weeks before he leaves again. Telling during Christmas isn’t something I want to do but the last thing I want is for him to hear it from someone else.

 

If we could still be friends after all of this, that would be great. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none and that’s ok with me. I know me not being in the picture is what’s best for him and his marriage if that what he wants.

 

What really are you trying to save? 3 months out of the year sounds more like an arrangement, not a marriage. In my opinion your problems range far deeper than him finding out that you have been having an affair.

[cif]

^^^ Yeah. It's your marriage, your business but in all honesty I'd be surprised if your H isn't also having an A. You have a very tough arrangement.

[jbrent890]

Seeing each other 3 months out of the year is not a marriage. Why either one of you would carry on that type of marriage is beyond me. You do have another option. If you don't want to confess, I suggest ending the marriage without confessing. I'm going to be a little blunt here. You are 26 years old and this is the type of marriage you have. You are still young. Go out and find a guy (not married), that will be around. It's time to finally take control of your life. You are obviously not happy in your marriage and it's understandable. That is not a marriage.

[DarkAngel87]

On the dawn of your boyfriends finding out about the affair and your focus is still your married boss and doing what's best for him.

 

Maybe you should just let the boyfriend go, its clear were your loyal and he deserves someone committed to him. Your commitment is to MM, and you won't be able to move forward in your relationship because of that.

 

My MM and I stared out as friends and used to be very good friends before anything happened. So as his friend I want what’s best for him. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

 

Please don’t speak to me about commitment. I have always been 100% committed to my husband that has never changed. I have done so much and given up so much just so he could live out his dream. My husband has always been my number one priority and that won’t change.

[DarkAngel87]

Seeing each other 3 months out of the year is not a marriage. Why either one of you would carry on that type of marriage is beyond me. You do have another option. If you don't want to confess, I suggest ending the marriage without confessing. I'm going to be a little blunt here. You are 26 years old and this is the type of marriage you have. You are still young. Go out and find a guy (not married), that will be around. It's time to finally take control of your life. You are obviously not happy in your marriage and it's understandable. That is not a marriage.

 

 

Honesty I thought a lot about that over the past year. I’d just love him too much to let him go. If everything works out the way we planned then we could really have happy life together. I really believe my husband and I are made for each other we are able to do things for each other that no one else can.

[FusionCutter]

Honesty I thought a lot about that over the past year. I’d just love him too much to let him go. If everything works out the way we planned then we could really have happy life together. I really believe my husband and I are made for each other we are able to do things for each other that no one else can.

 

It's not a truly happy life if you make him live a lie. You love him too much to let him go but you want to have an MM on the side without getting discovered nor taking responsibility. Why?

[CarrieT]

I have always been 100% committed to my husband that has never changed.

 

With all due respect, that statement above is a flat-out lie. 100% committed except when you were having sex with another man.

 

I have done so much and given up so much just so he could live out his dream.

And does his dream include a wife that cheats?

 

My husband has always been my number one priority and that won’t change.

Again, it HAS changed or you wouldn't find yourself in this situation. You engaged in an affair with another man. That means that at that time, your husband was far from being your #1 priority. At that point, you put your own pleasure and satisfaction above your commitment and your "number one priority."

[DarkAngel87]

What really are you trying to save? 3 months out of the year sounds more like an arrangement, not a marriage. In my opinion your problems range far deeper than him finding out that you have been having an affair.

 

^^^ Yeah. It's your marriage, your business but in all honesty I'd be surprised if your H isn't also having an A. You have a very tough arrangement.

 

 

I know my marriage is complicated. Neither one of us like the way things are now but we don’t really have that many options. I know its not prefect but we make it work. We make most of the time we have together going on trips and stuff like that and I do visit him pretty frequently.

 

There have been rumors of him cheating on me but he tells he never has sometimes I believe him other times not so much. I can’t really blame him tho most men in his position would cheat.

[beach]

I still doubt your MM will ever confess.

 

I hope you aren't believing he will.

 

What is your expectation? Do you expect to end up with your MM?

[aliveagain]

I believe your married man will sell you out to save his financial a$$. Your best hope is to confess to your husband before his wife contacts him, which she will. She will do everything in her power to get her vengeance on you. Your married man will weigh his options and come to the realization that your his worst option and will grovel for a second chance once he realizes just how much a divorce will cost him. Others now know so it is not just a secret between the two of you, you can't control others. You would not believe what my now ex offered me to keep our relationship, an example, I was woken one night with my ex and one of her girlfriends naked, one on each side of the bed with me. I turned it down.

 

If he chooses to save his marriage and his financial a$$, you don't stand a chance. Wake up, it is getting very real, your future with your husband is on the line.

[Lurkeraspect]

I have put some serious thought into confessing. It really looks like it’s my only option. I don’t know how, where and when to tell him. It just isn’t that easy my husband and I have a unique marriage when only see each other a few times a year and live with one another for about 3 months out of the year. He will be back around Christmas for two weeks before he leaves again. Telling during Christmas isn’t something I want to do but the last thing I want is for him to hear it from someone else.

 

If we could still be friends after all of this, that would be great. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none and that’s ok with me. I know me not being in the picture is what’s best for him and his marriage if that what he wants.

 

I know christmas isn't the ideal time to confess that you've been banging your boss for over a year, but it really needs to be done. I might suggest telling him before he makes the trip. Knowing that his relationship with you has all been a lie and your commitment is smoke and mirrors, he might truly appreciate the opportunity to just make other plans.

 

I also really doubt the MM is going to fess up anything. You said months ago that he is/was cocky and didn't believe the affair would be discovered by his BS. He might just be telling you this in the hopes that the affair will cool (and end) with the thought of you being outed to you SO and more than likely losing your job. He hopes to scare you off in his passive aggressive way. And it looks like it's working.

 

If you care so much about your relationship with your SO, just come clean and let him know it's all been a farce. Shouldn't be too hard for either of you to get over, as you only see each other for three months of the year anyway. Can't imagine how either of you thought that was ever going to work out long term. And obviously you're not cut out for a long distance thing.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

I know christmas isn't the ideal time to confess that you've been banging your boss for over a year, but it really needs to be done. I might suggest telling him before he makes the trip. Knowing that his relationship with you has all been a lie and your commitment is smoke and mirrors, he might truly appreciate the opportunity to just make other plans.

 

I also really doubt the MM is going to fess up anything. You said months ago that he is/was cocky and didn't believe the affair would be discovered by his BS. He might just be telling you this in the hopes that the affair will cool (and end) with the thought of you being outed to you SO and more than likely losing your job. He hopes to scare you off in his passive aggressive way. And it looks like it's working.

 

If you care so much about your relationship with your SO, just come clean and let him know it's all been a farce. Shouldn't be too hard for either of you to get over, as you only see each other for three months of the year anyway. Can't imagine how either of you thought that was ever going to work out long term. And obviously you're not cut out for a long distance thing.

 

Good luck.

 

I wouldn't bet my future on someone that will peruse another man's wife. Do what is best for you.

[WakingUp]

I may have missed something here, and I am quite sure I will be corrected if I have.

 

 

Whilst we are all free to post wherever we like, isn't this the OW/OM side of things?

 

 

It appears to be a whole lot of betrayed spouses ripping into someone who is looking for support.

 

 

So, OP, I just want to say... Yep, its a mess, but don't let all these destructive posters get to you. They are just venting their own problems.

 

 

Hugs.

[jbrent890]

<Redacted>

You do not cheat on someone you are 100% committed to. Second, the way that you speak about your OM and preserving your friendship entails that your husband is not your top priority. In fact, if you still had your way, you would still be cheating. It's time to wake up, you are not happy in your marriage and your husband is not your top priority. If what you say is true, then you need to completely drop the OM.

 

However, I do commend you for considering confession. I would say that you need to prepare for the worst though. If your husband is as young as you, he will probably think that it's not to late for him to start over. Even though most husbands do decide to reconcile, they usually leave sometime in the process.

 

Whether you decide to confess or not, you do need to recommit yourself back to your marriage. Since your husband is still out of town, it gives you sometime to get OM out of your mind. Seek counseling immediately. Right now the ball is in your court, but soon it's going to be in your husbands. You need to make as many plays as you can before this happens.

 

Go into NC, see counseling, buy books, etc. Do whatever it takes to show your husband you are serious about making your marriage work. You cannot have it both ways. It either the OM or your husband, and you need to make that decision now. <Redacted>

Edited December 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs and redact non-compliant comments

[gettingstronger]

Seems like your living arrangement is not good for your marriage. He might be cheating, you are cheating. Maybe a good start is to discuss the state of the marriage first and see where that leads. I agree the wife will find out who you are and eventually you will be exposed but maybe the first step in all of this is an honest conversation about your living arrangements.

[cif]

Are you sure the MM is confessing? If so, then maybe go to H and confess before he comes over for the holidays?

 

ETA: Your first question was will he mention your name.. that will be the first question she asks, and the first he answers. He will throw you under the bus to save his marriage. If you can stop him from confessing and go NC that would be the best way your H wouldn't find out.

Edited December 8, 2014 by cif

[DarkAngel87]

Seems like your living arrangement is not good for your marriage. He might be cheating, you are cheating. Maybe a good start is to discuss the state of the marriage first and see where that leads. I agree the wife will find out who you are and eventually you will be exposed but maybe the first step in all of this is an honest conversation about your living arrangements.

 

We have talked about a lot over the years. He has asked me to move with him a few times. I thought about but moving with him would kill any career prospects I have and that’s really the only thing holding me back right now. Realistically my husband moving to me would end his career for good and besides he only has about five to eight good years left. So for now this works best for us.