My MM wants to confess

[Wondering33]

OP says he's made his mind up... she can't talk him out of it... advice still stands... who cares about waiting a few weeks, honestly/ Wait until he tells his wife... whatever - sounds like OPs husband isn't home anyways... either way, sounds like the confession is going to happen. Wouldn't NOW be a good time to consider strategies... Isn't that the point of this thread?

 

 

Rather than just pretend it will all go away... that's not even a strategy... Its the same behaviours that led to the affair in the first place

 

Strategy & action are two different things. I only go by what she has wrote . She states she was happy with A & marriage (which means she never asked what led to it, she was ok with that part) she doesn't want her husband to find out & she's ok with her marriage. So now we have the "OP says he is going to tell" well we already know he's been lying to her for a year & now she's going to base what she does next on his word of mouth? He can chicken out. Now going by everyone's logic that he's legit. He said he isn't going to let the wife know her identity. Now that's just a lot of not solid rock evidence (for a person that doesn't want to confess in the first place) to run & go tell on yourself immediately. If the wife calls then she's in a corner but if she tells on herself, he leaves her & the OP ends up not telling his wife, then what? At least if she waits, she'll never have any "what if" thoughts, if were to go that bad for her.

[Wondering33]

Seriously? The problem was already created, she had an affair. That is a problem that will forever engulf her marriage regardless if she confesses. It never ceases to amaze me that people think that confessing is the thing that destroys the marriage. The fact that the person cheated is what destroys the marriage. I'm a firm believer that most cheaters never saw their d day coming. You never know what stone you forgot to turn can comeback and bite you in the rear. Even you have had a few close calls haven't you? Why wait for crap to blow up or potentially blow up in your face? It's a fact that that makes the R process less likely to succeed. I could honestly understand if her husband would not want to know if he was cheated on, but most do. More importantly, if cheating is a deal breaker for her husband, then she has an obligation to tell. I'm so sick of people advocating lying to BSs so the cheater doesn't have to face the consequences. Cheating is selfish. Continuously lying about the cheating to keep people married to you because you are so afraid of losing everything is just plain sick and cowardly to me.

 

Cheating is a lot of what you say but to each is own. What works for one couple isn't going to work for the next. If someone doesn't want to tell, it's their decsion. Some people don't want to know, some do, some find out & wished they hadn't , some find out, divorce & wish they never had. Also no one knows how people are going to react to things, what if on a forum like this people push for someone to tell & their spouse freaks out & hurts them? No one knows a whole situation from one thread, so that's why anything I've answered try to do with the question & info that's been presented vs adding my own judgments & emotions to it. My cousin was shot 5 times by her husband that never as much as pushed her before, after she told him.

[jellybean89]

I agree. On the surface, there is no immediate problem. By confessing she will certainly be creating a major problem all in the hopes of diminishing(theoretically) to a slight degree another potential major problem.

really? Confessing would be creating a major problem? Not her cheating? Not her screwing another man behind her husband's back? Not saying ILY to another man? The issue is her confessing?

 

Being proactive depends on the situation. As of this second he hasn't told so she doesn't have a problem. SHE doesn't want her husband to find out, so why rush it until she knows for sure. What your saying isn't proactive (that would be once the wife knows who she is) its acting before you have an actual problem (panic). Say what you will, it's NEVER the best time or way to find out about cheating, why Rush it when the OM hasn't told yet?

 

Ps- not everyone deals with consequences for things, that's life.

 

She doesn't have a problem because her lover hasn't told his wife of his infidelity? Are you for real? I know you are a mistress and think cheating is okay; I am guessing this is why you are saying she doesn't have a problem.

 

She doesn't want her husband to find out? Guess she should have kept her panties on then.

 

Yeah, let's keep feeding the OP's husband bullcrap and tell him its cookies. Why rush telling her husband of her cheating? Maybe you are right - the OP doesn't seem to have any GUILT or REMORSE for choosing to have an affair. Doesn't seem concerned about passing on an STD to her spouse - the person she claims to love. Doesn't care of the harm she has potentially put her husband in by having an affair. OP only seems to care about what the MM's wife will do once she is told..not how her H will react, not that she has betrayed her husband.

 

WHEN her husband finds out, and from someone else besides her, those actions will show him she is a coward, a liar, dishonest, has ZERO loyalty and couldn't even tell him before someone else told him. A double slap in the face -- her cheating and then not OWNING her behavior to him before he is told by others. IF he can get past the infidelity, which few husbands can do, he will most likely NEVER trust her again, since she has now shown him that she is more concerned about protecting her affair than respecting him enough to be an adult and admit what she has done.

 

She is a cake eater, pure and simple.

 

But yeah, let's advise her to sit back, pretend her life isn't going to blow up because of HER actions and then after her H finds out the truth, she can go into defensive mode.

 

Ridiculous.

[Wondering33]

really? Confessing would be creating a major problem? Not her cheating? Not her screwing another man behind her husband's back? Not saying ILY to another man? The issue is her confessing?

 

 

 

She doesn't have a problem because her lover hasn't told his wife of his infidelity? Are you for real? I know you are a mistress and think cheating is okay; I am guessing this is why you are saying she doesn't have a problem.

 

She doesn't want her husband to find out? Guess she should have kept her panties on then.

 

Yeah, let's keep feeding the OP's husband bullcrap and tell him its cookies. Why rush telling her husband of her cheating? Maybe you are right - the OP doesn't seem to have any GUILT or REMORSE for choosing to have an affair. Doesn't seem concerned about passing on an STD to her spouse - the person she claims to love. Doesn't care of the harm she has potentially put her husband in by having an affair. OP only seems to care about what the MM's wife will do once she is told..not how her H will react, not that she has betrayed her husband.

 

WHEN her husband finds out, and from someone else besides her, those actions will show him she is a coward, a liar, dishonest, has ZERO loyalty and couldn't even tell him before someone else told him. A double slap in the face -- her cheating and then not OWNING her behavior to him before he is told by others. IF he can get past the infidelity, which few husbands can do, he will most likely NEVER trust her again, since she has now shown him that she is more concerned about protecting her affair than respecting him enough to be an adult and admit what she has done.

 

She is a cake eater, pure and simple.

 

But yeah, let's advise her to sit back, pretend her life isn't going to blow up because of HER actions and then after her H finds out the truth, she can go into defensive mode.

 

Ridiculous.

 

 

My point is, she didn't ask if she's a cake eater. She didn't ask what you think of her lifestyle. Not once a she asked any of that. So why if she didn't ask that, why do people feel the need to come to a forum that says OW/OM to bash someone ? Does make people feel better about themselves ? It doesn't make any sense to me. Totally different if someone asks what do you think of my lifestyle & me as a person but I haven't read that one yet.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Wondering33

[goodyblue]

My point is, she didn't ask if she's a cake eater. She didn't ask what you think of her lifestyle. Not once a she asked any of that. So why if she didn't ask that, why do people feel the need to come to a forum that says OW/OM to bash someone ? Does make people feel better about themselves ? It doesn't make any sense to me. Totally different if someone asks what do you think of my lifestyle & me as a person but I haven't read that one yet.

 

Hi Wondering. I am guessing you are new to the forum. Let me answer your question. The reason people are judging OP's life choices is because most are betrayed spouses and are angry at their situation and taking it out on here instead of their spouse. There are a few who are not OW or betrayed spouses and they are pissed off at something else entirely that they don't disclose and come here to flog someone they feel is a worse person than themselves. It doesn't get any better as time goes on because such posters tend to stay pissed.

 

There are those who have a genuine desire to help so you just have to take those posts to heart and ignore the haters.

 

Welcome to hell house, enjoy your stay.

[truncated]

OP,

think of it this way. Suppose you don't tell your h and he finds out another way. Will it be less painful for hi to hear it comming form you or from someone else?

 

There is a school of thought that a BS may never know, so why tell, but do you really want to take that risk? You have zero control over what your ex om or his choose to do. who he chooses to tell or how it could get back to your hsuband.

 

Perhaps try flipping the situatin around, and instead of looking at is as something that could end your marraige, try seeing it as making the best of a bad situation. Confessing will give you both a chnace to be completely open and honest and move forward without secrets between you.

 

As for the idea that Bs are giving you bad advice because they are hurting, they are the ones who have been in your husband's position, so who do you think will better understand it, them or OW and WS who have zero understanding of it, and may even be projecting their own guilt and desires onto a situation they can't understand.

[BurnedAndLost]

Hi Wondering. I am guessing you are new to the forum. Let me answer your question. The reason people are judging OP's life choices is because most are betrayed spouses and are angry at their situation and taking it out on here instead of their spouse. There are a few who are not OW or betrayed spouses and they are pissed off at something else entirely that they don't disclose and come here to flog someone they feel is a worse person than themselves. It doesn't get any better as time goes on because such posters tend to stay pissed.

 

There are those who have a genuine desire to help so you just have to take those posts to heart and ignore the haters.

 

Welcome to hell house, enjoy your stay.

Lol. What is it with you and your inability to pass on a chance to take jabs at BBs?

I know I am not the only one who notices this about you. I think most people would give people like the OP the side eye. Most people tend to dislike dishonesty. Betrayed spouse or not. I'm guessing this makes you feel some type of way, since you seem to only come here to thread jack other people's thread so you can justify your own ( years old )affair. And to make little snide remarks against anyone who doesn't agree.

You need to take several seats.

Edited December 16, 2014 by BurnedAndLost

[Lady2163]

I am a former OW and due to fact I was seduced by the husband of the coup,e I babysat for, I had many affairs with married men between the ages of 16-23. I was thrown under the bus a couple of times. I had a 20+ year gap and then resumed with a previous MM from when I was 19. I ended that a few months back.

 

So, I am a lot o,der than you are and single.

 

No matter how much you think your career and income are worth being apart from your husband, your actions are showing they aren't. I don't understand why you can't move where he is and get a job in the same field. Yes, there may be sacrifices for both of you. In my opinion, more people need to sacrifice to make things work. That does mean coupon clipping and no $5 coffees. Red box instead of ITunes rentals.

 

1). Consider asking your husband for a trial at an open marriage. Only you and he can set the parameters.

2). Yes, there is a huge chance your AP is going to give up your name to his wife. I don't know what your husband does for a living, but how exactly do you think she will contact him? If it is Facebook, block her. Slight chance she can't piggyback fro your profile to his. I don't know if she would know his name, depends on the size of,your company.

3). If you're afraid of what she might say or yell....so what? They are just words. Yes, her world has been turned upside down and you are partially,to blame for that. Many of the BW on here have indicated they were perfect ladies when it came to the OW, so you are probably safe. Okay, sarcasm aside, my best guess with the limited facts I know, she probably is not going to verbally lose her cool with you. Assuming your AP isn't the owner of the company, if she shows up at your workplace and starts screaming at you or threatening you. She will be escorted from the property and banned. No workplace wants to be liable for harm coming to one of their employees.

4). Violence. If this I what you're afraid of, the Betty Brodericks are few. Not to say it isn't possible. But very rare.

5). Best guess is she will email you. Again, I'm going on limited information. If you feel you must respond, be ever so polite and tell her to speak to her husband.

 

I know, everyone has told you to own up and apologize, but I would admit as little as possible in an email. Those words could be used against you. They become a record. They give her proof of your involvement. At this point you do have to take care of yourself. You are the only one guaranteed at this point to put your best interests first. Yes, some may say you were selfish to have the affair, but it is still time to be selfish.

 

As for telling your husband, I'm always against that. If you want to stay in the marriage, telling him, takes the ball out of your court...per se. Right now he is willing to stay married even though you are apart. Telling him means he could decide to end the marriage whether you want to or not. If you want out of the marriage, it serves no purpose to tell him you were unfaithful.

 

You're in a tough spot and it sucks. Oh sure, you are an adult and you put yourself there, but it doesn't make it any easier that more often than not the mistress ends up alone.

 

Good luck and I hope you keeo us posted.

 

Take care of ykurself.

[Red123]

IME, if his W finds out, whether he confesses or she finds out another way she will probably find out who you are. I didn't know the MOW my H had an A with but once he gave up her name I was able to find out exactly who she was. I also had her Hs name and contact info right away too. If her H really comes clean like let's her see contact between the two of you, like mine did, then she would have your email, phone number or social media name, depending on what you used to communicate. Sometimes once a MM decides to R they give up whatever is needed to show they can change and start being honest. Mine did, but I have never contacted the MOW or her H. As long as she doesn't contact us I leave her alone. However if he worked directly with her I may have done something different. They don't, she has a family, and my H chose to do this with someone in his office. Yes it sucks but I'm not out to ruin her, so as long as NC remains I don't bother her. It's really hard to say what the W will do when she finds out but as a BS I can say confession is better than finding out somewhere else.

[Sub]

OP,

think of it this way. Suppose you don't tell your h and he finds out another way. Will it be less painful for hi to hear it comming form you or from someone else?

 

There is a school of thought that a BS may never know, so why tell, but do you really want to take that risk? You have zero control over what your ex om or his choose to do. who he chooses to tell or how it could get back to your hsuband.

 

It's about playing the odds, making an educated decision based on how well you think you know the other person. We've heard of AP's described as loose cannons, wildcards, and unpredictable. I think one poster recently described her MOM as "hysterical" at the thought of losing her. So, if you think there's a chance disclosure comes from someone other than yourself, I think it behooves a person to get ahead of it. Is there any debate that a BS would rather hear it from their WS vs the AP?

[jellybean89]

My point is, she didn't ask if she's a cake eater. She didn't ask what you think of her lifestyle. Not once a she asked any of that. So why if she didn't ask that, why do people feel the need to come to a forum that says OW/OM to bash someone ? Does make people feel better about themselves ? It doesn't make any sense to me. Totally different if someone asks what do you think of my lifestyle & me as a person but I haven't read that one yet.

 

Not sure why you are answering for DarkAngel, or deciding what people can and can't post.

 

The OP stated:

 

I need help I have no idea what to do.

 

I never wanted my husband to ever find out about the affair.

 

I don’t plan to continue any kind of relationship with my AP besides a friendship.

 

I have put some serious thought into confessing. It really looks like it’s my only option. I don’t know how, where and when to tell him.

 

... but the last thing I want is for him to hear it from someone else.

 

My husband has always been my number one priority and that won’t change. I really believe my husband and I are made for each other we are able to do things for each other that no one else can.

 

He plans to it a few days after New Years with his pastor and his pastors wife. I tried to change his mind but he not backing down.

 

I don’t really have a reason why I choose to put my marriage at risk.

 

She is answering posts - openly and honestly. She has never once posted "stop asking me questions", "stop offering suggestions", "stop giving me opinions". Not sure why you are replying to each person's post, telling posters what they can and can't say.

 

Her opening post stated she had no idea what to do. Others have shared their view points. Why is that so hard for you to deal with? It isn't about you. It is about DarkAngel.

[SoleMate]

I call b*!!$h!+ on the supposed confession plan of the MM. I suggest it's just a ploy to control the AP with fear. After all, a MM who sincerely intended confessing would have no need to discuss that with the OW.

[truncated]

Op,

 

look at the situation you now find yourself in and ask yourself how you go t there. Then look a all the pan it can/wil cause and ask yourself if you really wnat to be a part of that anymore.

 

Now look at the situation and try and find the way out that wil cause the least amount of pain to all involved. Selfishness is what got you here in the first place. Is that really who you are/Are you willing to let dishonesty continue to poison you until you become one of those types who feels it's okay so long as it's a means to an end?

[Selfish]

I know I am late to the party but I think a confession is a little late. Her partner will learn it was a forced confession upon fear of discovery, not an unprovoked confession coming from true remorse.

[DKT3]

I know I am late to the party but I think a confession is a little late. Her partner will learn it was a forced confession upon fear of discovery, not an unprovoked confession coming from true remorse.

 

While I agree, its still better coming from her.

[stillafool]

I may have missed something here, and I am quite sure I will be corrected if I have.

 

 

Whilst we are all free to post wherever we like, isn't this the OW/OM side of things?

 

 

It appears to be a whole lot of betrayed spouses ripping into someone who is looking for support.

 

 

So, OP, I just want to say... Yep, its a mess, but don't let all these destructive posters get to you. They are just venting their own problems.

 

 

 

Hugs.

 

What support are they to give her? Support her cheating on her husband? Support her to lie to MMs wife when she comes to her for revenge and answers? Support her to again go behind the wifes back and continue a friendship/affair with MM? Support her to continue having sex with another womans husband while her own husband is working out of town? Tell us what kind of support to give in this situation because most of us are decent people and do not believe in hurting others for our own selfish reasons. I'm not a BS or a WS and I doubt you know everyone elses status as it relates to their relationships either. Let me guess, you are a OW.

[BurnedAndLost]

What support are they to give her? Support her cheating on her husband? Support her to lie to MMs wife when she comes to her for revenge and answers? Support her to again go behind the wifes back and continue a friendship/affair with MM? Support her to continue having sex with another womans husband while her own husband is working out of town? Tell us what kind of support to give in this situation because most of us are decent people and do not believe in hurting others for our own selfish reasons. I'm not a BS or a WS and I doubt you know everyone elses status as it relates to their relationships either. Let me guess, you are a OW.

 

Applause. I don't know what about this is so hard to understand. Seems to me if you say anything short of cheerleading affairs, you are just angry, bitter *insert any other word used to insult the betrayed*. That couldn't be further from the truth.

Edited December 17, 2014 by BurnedAndLost

[stillafool]

I can definitely understand OPs fear of the BW. There's a church not far from here where the Pastor was cheating with another woman in the congregation. When he confessed to his wife what was going on she demanded the name of the woman and went to her house. When the OW opened to door, she grabbed her by the hair and pulled her out into the yard and started punching her, calling her names and embarassing her in front of the neighbors. The OW didn't press charges or anything but didn't go back to that church. You just neverknow how a person will react. I've met the Pastors wife before and I always thought she was timid and shy. Alot I know.

[Lady2163]

What support are they to give her? Support her cheating on her husband? Support her to lie to MMs wife when she comes to her for revenge and answers? Support her to again go behind the wifes back and continue a friendship/affair with MM? Support her to continue having sex with another womans husband while her own husband is working out of town? Tell us what kind of support to give in this situation because most of us are decent people and do not believe in hurting others for our own selfish reasons. I'm not a BS or a WS and I doubt you know everyone elses status as it relates to their relationships either. Let me guess, you are a OW.

 

Uh....yes, as a matter of fact.

 

I am a former OW. Long history of it....well, a pretty long gap in there, but anyway.

 

Months ago, I came here preparing to end my relationship/friendship with the MM. I wasn't prepared for all the moralizing and character bashing I received. So many people seemed to think that I would never again do a decent thing for the rest of my life. Having sex with a married man was the worst thing a person could do EVER. Never mind, murder, rape, child abuse and pension theft.

 

The lack of support probably extended the affair by a good six months.

 

So, yes, ABSOLTELY she has made a huge mistake. Kicked her morals and vows to the curb. How are you helping by reminding her of this?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

 

The lack of support probably extended the affair by a good six months.

 

 

I can't help but wonder how many other A's were extended because of LS.

[velvette]

Uh....yes, as a matter of fact.

 

I am a former OW. Long history of it....well, a pretty long gap in there, but anyway.

 

Months ago, I came here preparing to end my relationship/friendship with the MM. I wasn't prepared for all the moralizing and character bashing I received. So many people seemed to think that I would never again do a decent thing for the rest of my life. Having sex with a married man was the worst thing a person could do EVER. Never mind, murder, rape, child abuse and pension theft.

 

The lack of support probably extended the affair by a good six months.

 

So, yes, ABSOLTELY she has made a huge mistake. Kicked her morals and vows to the curb. How are you helping by reminding her of this?

 

 

You are blaming strangers on an anonymous internet forum for being unable to end an affair for 6 months? That is truly one of the most astounding things I've heard here. Exactly how did that work?

[Lady2163]

You are blaming strangers on an anonymous internet forum for being unable to end an affair for 6 months? That is truly one of the most astounding things I've heard here. Exactly how did that work?

 

Really? When you're flooded with responses that insinuate you are the lowest creature ever to exist, you're going to stick with the person who ISN'T making you feel like an awful person. At that time I did need people to tell me that ending it was the right thing and I would be "okay" eventually not the whole, "you need to tell his wife, she needs to be able to live her life honestly. You deserve whatever pain and conflict you are feeling." There was a whole bunch of sympathy and pity for the wife and no encouragement for me. Judgment about my whole existence was passed on one facet of my life.

[purplesorrow]

Really? When you're flooded with responses that insinuate you are the lowest creature ever to exist, you're going to stick with the person who ISN'T making you feel like an awful person. At that time I did need people to tell me that ending it was the right thing and I would be "okay" eventually not the whole, "you need to tell his wife, she needs to be able to live her life honestly. You deserve whatever pain and conflict you are feeling." There was a whole bunch of sympathy and pity for the wife and no encouragement for me. Judgment about my whole existence was passed on one facet of my life.

 

Do you really feel all it would have taken to end it was a "you'll be ok" from a stranger? If you have finally ended it, where did you draw the strength from? Thanks.

[truncated]

Really? When you're flooded with responses that insinuate you are the lowest creature ever to exist, you're going to stick with the person who ISN'T making you feel like an awful person. At that time I did need people to tell me that ending it was the right thing and I would be "okay" eventually not the whole, "you need to tell his wife, she needs to be able to live her life honestly. You deserve whatever pain and conflict you are feeling." There was a whole bunch of sympathy and pity for the wife and no encouragement for me. Judgment about my whole existence was passed on one facet of my life.

 

No offence, but blaming an online forum for your actions seems rather strange.

 

Back to the op,

 

In a situation like his, try mentally changing places with your husband. If he were cheating, which would be the lesser of two evils when it came to finding out? Hearing from hi, or hearing from his ow or her bs? You are the only one on here who knows your husband. what do you think he'd want?

[MuddyFootprints]

Keep reading. Delve deeply. Introspection is crucial.

 

I read. I researched. I scoured my heart, my soul, and my intelligence.

 

I had questions; I had doubts.

 

Thank you, all, (past and present) for helping me come to my senses.

 

I can't imagine how my life would be had I not learned from your experiences.

 

Much love and gratitude to those willing to wield the tough-love 2x4.