My MM wants to confess

[DarkAngel87]

I still doubt your MM will ever confess.

 

I hope you aren't believing he will.

 

What is your expectation? Do you expect to end up with your MM?

 

I talked to him few minutes ago during lunch about it and he dead set on doing it. He plans to it a few days after New Years with his pastor and his pastors wife. I tried to change his mind but he not backing down.

 

I would like to think he wouldn’t but he looks serious.

 

I didn’t have any expectations my MM was nothing more than something on the side.

[anika99]

You have no right to ask him to keep this from his wife. It's his marriage and if he wants to tell his wife the truth then he has every right to do so. He may think he can refuse to tell his wife who the OW was but he will soon find out that that's not gonna fly. She will demand your name and your contact info and if he wants to reconcile he will give her the information. You best get ready to tell your husband.

[beach]

Does he say what his plan is after he tells her?

 

Is he telling her with intentions of leaving her?

 

Has he asked you if you will leave your H?

[bathtub-row]

You've definitely got a problem. The thing is, if your husband is out of the country, I doubt MM's wife would know how to contact him. Anyway, at some point you're probably going to need to tell him. If you and MM work together, then there could be huge fall-out from this. I'm really sorry you're going through this. The other side of it is that his wife may not involve you at all. That's actually the most likely thing to happen.

 

It seems that everyone is assuming that MM's wife will be willing to stay in the marriage once she finds out. Not all wonen stay once their spouses cheat. Most of them do, but not all.

[eye of the storm]

DarkAngel,

 

I'm not going to tell you to confess or not.

 

This could play out any one of a hundred ways. The BS could go into full denial and not ask many questions, she may just demand that he no longer contact you. Or she may go onto full attack mode with you being her main target.

 

Tell your BH or not but I would take the following steps, minimize your online footprint. lock down all social media accounts and go thru your friends list. Anyone on there you are not 100% sure of defriend or block. Make it so nobody can access your accounts and post to your page without permission. Including your timeline. When someone searches your name make sure they don't get anything except send a friend request. google yourself and see what she will find when she googles you (and she probably will)

 

If you are affiliated with an organization and google search comes up with you and a way of contacting you or contacting the organization. Call them and ask to remove your name for now. Tell them you are having issues with a stalker and want to minimize your footprint for awhile.

 

good luck, this has bad ending all over it but I hope it all works out for everyone in the end.

[almond]

I know its not prefect but we make it work.

 

You make it work? How?

 

You are hearing rumours that he is cheating on you. You don't trust that he is not. You are not faithful...you have been carrying on an affair behind his back.

 

Stop kidding yourself...it's not working. Not even close.

 

Change something. Come clean to your husband. Tell him everything. Sort your life out.

[jellybean89]

I can understand your desire to believe you are making our marriage work.

 

but its not because you did cheat, and would probably still be cheating if the MM didn't put a stop to it.

 

People make long distance marriages work - the military does it. But to do so, there has to be trust and commitment; two things lacking your marriage.

 

Take time to figure out what you want - why you stay with a H you don't see, you don't honor and who you were unfaithful to. Maybe the marriage isn't meant to be? You and your H need to figure it out but staying 'friends' with the MM is not good for the MM's marriage nor yours.

[DarkAngel87]

Does he say what his plan is after he tells her?

 

Is he telling her with intentions of leaving her?

 

Has he asked you if you will leave your H?

 

He doesn’t have a plan, besides telling her the full truth and begging for another chance.

 

No, he wants his marriage work

 

No he never asked me to leave. He already knew I what the deal was.

[DarkAngel87]

I can understand your desire to believe you are making our marriage work.

 

but its not because you did cheat, and would probably still be cheating if the MM didn't put a stop to it.

 

People make long distance marriages work - the military does it. But to do so, there has to be trust and commitment; two things lacking your marriage.

 

Take time to figure out what you want - why you stay with a H you don't see, you don't honor and who you were unfaithful to. Maybe the marriage isn't meant to be? You and your H need to figure it out but staying 'friends' with the MM is not good for the MM's marriage nor yours.

 

Right now my marriage isn’t working, I know that but it has worked in the past. We just got to figure out how to make it work now.

 

Just because you cheat or have an affair doesn’t make someone any less committed to that person. I am still very committed to my husband the affair hasn’t changed that.

 

I know that I want. The problem is I can’t have what I want. I love my husband and he’s the man want to build a life with. On paper my husband and I are prefect for each other. We share many of the same likes and dislikes, we view things the same. We want the same things in life maybe not this very moment but what we want for our future is the exactly same thing. More importantly the time we do spend together is amazing. I can’t even describe the way I feel when we're together.

[spookysonata]

Then WHY are you sleeping with someone else? Seriously, there's a major disconnect in what you're saying.

[whichwayisup]

Right now my marriage isn’t working, I know that but it has worked in the past. We just got to figure out how to make it work now.

 

Just because you cheat or have an affair doesn’t make someone any less committed to that person. I am still very committed to my husband the affair hasn’t changed that.

 

I know that I want. The problem is I can’t have what I want. I love my husband and he’s the man want to build a life with. On paper my husband and I are prefect for each other. We share many of the same likes and dislikes, we view things the same. We want the same things in life maybe not this very moment but what we want for our future is the exactly same thing. More importantly the time we do spend together is amazing. I can’t even describe the way I feel when we're together.

 

So you want both. ? What is it that you want?

 

I have to agree with spooky. Why would you put your marriage at risk?

[DarkAngel87]

So you want both. ? What is it that you want?

 

I have to agree with spooky. Why would you put your marriage at risk?

 

 

 

No I want my husband. My AP was just someone I found to fill the void.

 

I don’t really have a reason why I choose to put my marriage at risk. At times I’ve given myself different reason in attempt to try to justify what I was doing but none of them made that much sense or weren’t true. Does anyone ever really know why-I don’t think so.

[Wondering33]

You know, most women really suck at giving advice. It's never judgement free & you can just read their own insecurty & emotion in their responses.

 

If you don't want to tell your husband, don't. If you're happy with in your arrangement, then that's what works for you, screw what other people think beyond the question you asked. If you're worried, give it time & see what happens. You can't control what anyone else does you can only react in the best way that suits you. Also if you don't want a divorce, then that's ok. None of us know your life or arrangement to say what we think what you should do with your future. also his marriage is his problem, I read others talking about the wife, he put his own wife in that position, it's his problem & his alone. She tries to talk to you, what you say.Go home & speak to him. My marriage dealt with this on both sides & I made him deal with the OW, he brought her in, he could take care of it, all I could do was take care of my end of it, I never gave her time or day bc she wasn't the problem, it was him that was the problem & him I had to deal with, not her. Same for you, you don't have to deal with her if you don't want to. Good luck!!!

[Sassy Girl]

You know, most women really suck at giving advice. It's never judgement free & you can just read their own insecurty & emotion in their responses.

 

If you don't want to tell your husband, don't. If you're happy with in your arrangement, then that's what works for you, screw what other people think beyond the question you asked. If you're worried, give it time & see what happens. You can't control what anyone else does you can only react in the best way that suits you. Also if you don't want a divorce, then that's ok. None of us know your life or arrangement to say what we think what you should do with your future. also his marriage is his problem, I read others talking about the wife, he put his own wife in that position, it's his problem & his alone. She tries to talk to you, what you say.Go home & speak to him. My marriage dealt with this on both sides & I made him deal with the OW, he brought her in, he could take care of it, all I could do was take care of my end of it, I never gave her time or day bc she wasn't the problem, it was him that was the problem & him I had to deal with, not her. Same for you, you don't have to deal with her if you don't want to. Good luck!!!

 

Lol... Did you even read this thread?

 

MM is going to confess. There's everychance OP will get thrown under te bus and her husband will be told anyway. It's out of OPs control. Now it's about damage control.

 

OP - your words and actions don't match. Your marriage isn't great and you're not actually as committed as you would like to believe. I don't think you're lying to all of us... I think you lie to yourself. You need to pull your head out of the sand. Ignoring it all won't make it go away.

 

Your MM is actually taking POSITIVE steps to heal his marriage. You could learn a bit from that.

[jellybean89]

You know, most women really suck at giving advice. It's never judgement free & you can just read their own insecurty & emotion in their responses.

 

 

psst...everyone judges..male or female. you have a thread on here judging the mm you have slept with. its a fact of life - everyone everywhere every day judges people. please stop acting like you don't judge others...you judged them by the post you just wrote.

 

"women suck at giving advice".

 

that's YOUR judgement.

[Wondering33]

Lol... Did you even read this thread?

 

MM is going to confess. There's everychance OP will get thrown under te bus and her husband will be told anyway. It's out of OPs control. Now it's about damage control.

 

OP - your words and actions don't match. Your marriage isn't great and you're not actually as committed as you would like to believe. I don't think you're lying to all of us... I think you lie to yourself. You need to pull your head out of the sand. Ignoring it all won't make it go away.

 

Your MM is actually taking POSITIVE steps to heal his marriage. You could learn a bit from that.

 

 

It's true! I've seen it time & time again, the way most women give advice,is all straight from emotion & add to what the actual problem at hand is. So he might tell & his wife might not say anything , so in that case why should she tell on herself? Bc people tell her that could happen? If she does, then, She has to deal with it,as of right now that hasn't happened. When giving advice, people shouldn't add a bunch of what ifs, could have, should have, shouldn't have. You try to stick to the actual problem at hand, not a hundred didn't happen yet senarios. Also telling someone they don't have a marriage & to leave (which I read a lot on here) isn't anyone's place (that's not what she asked). Just didn't realize so many have their degree in therapy.

 

The problem at hand , he might tell his wife. Advice- wait to see what happens & if you don't feel like confessing, don't until you have to. See easy ��. kept to the point, didn't have to add & freak her out further.

 

Ps- I dont judge on a forum stating OM/OW if I did, I wouldn't have joined.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Wondering33

[Realist3]

It's true! I've seen it time & time again, the way most women give advice,is all straight from emotion & add to what the actual problem at hand is. So he might tell & his wife might not say anything , so in that case why should she tell on herself? Bc people tell her that could happen? If she does, then, She has to deal with it,as of right now that hasn't happened. When giving advice, people shouldn't add a bunch of what ifs, could have, should have, shouldn't have. You try to stick to the actual problem at hand, not a hundred didn't happen yet senarios. Also telling someone they don't have a marriage & to leave (which I read a lot on here) isn't anyone's place (that's not what she asked). Just didn't realize so many have their degree in therapy.

 

The problem at hand , he might tell his wife. Advice- wait to see what happens & if you don't feel like confessing, don't until you have to. See easy ��. kept to the point, didn't have to add & freak her out further.

 

Ps- I dont judge on a forum stating OM/OW if I did, I wouldn't have joined.

 

It is not just women it is men as well.

 

I will agree with your other point yet though, the constant on these boards is to freak people out unnecessarily. IMO, too many people get worked up over confessing. Once the stuff is on the table that is when the real work begins. Focusing on how it was found out is rather pointless.

[Wondering33]

psst...everyone judges..male or female. you have a thread on here judging the mm you have slept with. its a fact of life - everyone everywhere every day judges people. please stop acting like you don't judge others...you judged them by the post you just wrote.

 

"women suck at giving advice".

 

that's YOUR judgement.

 

There is a difference between opinion & judgement. "Women suck at giving advice" is my opinion. Opinion, is what one thinks, judgement is looking down on someone. I didn't look down on anyone, just stated what I think.

[anika99]

There is a difference between opinion & judgement. "Women suck at giving advice" is my opinion. Opinion, is what one thinks, judgement is looking down on someone. I didn't look down on anyone, just stated what I think.

 

The posters on the OW/OM board are mostly women, but if you check out some of the other boards on Loveshack that have more male posters you will see that when it comes to being emotional and judgemental it's pretty evenly distributed between the men and the women.

 

 

Based on the fact that this MM is going to confess the affair to his wife there is a very high likelihood that the BW is going to attempt to tell the OP's husband. It might happen immediately after dday or it might be many months down the road, but for the most part, betrayed spouses usually do try to make contact with the other betrayed spouse at some point so the posters here are not making far fetched predictions but instead telling the OP to prepare for something that is very likely to happen.

 

 

The OP has said she wants to keep her spouse and stay married. The difference between confessing the affair on her own or her spouse hearing about it from the MM's BW could make all the difference between her marriage surviving or ending. When her husband is trying to decide on saving the marriage or not, how he found out about the affair can sway his decision. Confessing verses being caught is not some minor detail to most betrayed spouses.

[Wondering33]

The posters on the OW/OM board are mostly women, but if you check out some of the other boards on Loveshack that have more male posters you will see that when it comes to being emotional and judgemental it's pretty evenly distributed between the men and the women.

 

 

Based on the fact that this MM is going to confess the affair to his wife there is a very high likelihood that the BW is going to attempt to tell the OP's husband. It might happen immediately after dday or it might be many months down the road, but for the most part, betrayed spouses usually do try to make contact with the other betrayed spouse at some point so the posters here are not making far fetched predictions but instead telling the OP to prepare for something that is very likely to happen.

 

 

 

The OP has said she wants to keep her spouse and stay married. The difference between confessing the affair on her own or her spouse hearing about it from the MM's BW could make all the difference between her marriage surviving or ending. When her husband is trying to decide on saving the marriage or not, how he found out about the affair can sway his decision. Confessing verses being caught is not some minor detail to most betrayed spouses.

 

In my experience, The focus won't be how he finds out, the bottom line is the same, cheating. Then you have, what if the wife doesn't find out who she is, then she's panicked & told on herself for no reason. Panic only messes a person up, one can't think clearly in panic mode. He also said he "might",at the end of the day he "might" chicken out, so once again if she pre panics she would have told on herself for no reason. That's why you handle certain problems as they come, not always by the what if. Now once he does, then the problem turns into a actual problem. & I would hope they're close enough to where hed at least give her a heads up. I did when I told my husband. I never hid it from the OM.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Wondering33

[jbrent890]

In my experience, The focus won't be how he finds out, the bottom line is the same, cheating. Then you have, what if the wife doesn't find out who she is, then she's panicked & told on herself for no reason. Panic only messes a person up, one can't think clearly in panic mode. He also said he "might",at the end of the day he "might" chicken out, so once again if she pre panics she would have told on herself for no reason. That's why you handle certain problems as they come, not always by the what if. Now once he does, then the problem turns into a actual problem. & I would hope they're close enough to where hed at least give her a heads up. I did when I told my husband. I never hid it from the OM.

 

So your advice is to be reactive instead of pro active. Not only is that a huge issue in marriages, it's a huge issue in our society. Waiting until things blow up in your face is not a way to handle problems. Also, lying to your partner in an attempt to keep the status quo in your marriage won't solve any issues, but enhance them. One of the things that I have noticed with people who have cheated and kept it to themselves is that they eventually cheat again. Why? Because the issues that caused the cheating are never really resolved. Also, because the individual didn't see any consequences to their actions. It's time for the OP to take control of her life and marriage. By her being pro active, it shows that she wants to make her marriage work.

[Wondering33]

So your advice is to be reactive instead of pro active. Not only is that a huge issue in marriages, it's a huge issue in our society. Waiting until things blow up in your face is not a way to handle problems. Also, lying to your partner in an attempt to keep the status quo in your marriage won't solve any issues, but enhance them. One of the things that I have noticed with people who have cheated and kept it to themselves is that they eventually cheat again. Why? Because the issues that caused the cheating are never really resolved. Also, because the individual didn't see any consequences to their actions. It's time for the OP to take control of her life and marriage. By her being pro active, it shows that she wants to make her marriage work.

 

Being proactive depends on the situation. As of this second he hasn't told so she doesn't have a problem. SHE doesn't want her husband to find out, so why rush it until she knows for sure. What your saying isn't proactive (that would be once the wife knows who she is) its acting before you have an actual problem (panic). Say what you will, it's NEVER the best time or way to find out about cheating, why Rush it when the OM hasn't told yet?

 

Ps- not everyone deals with consequences for things, that's life.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Wondering33

[Realist3]

Being proactive depends on the situation. As of this second he hasn't told so she doesn't have a problem. SHE doesn't want her husband to find out, so why rush it until she knows for sure. What your saying isn't proactive (that would be once the wife knows who she is) its acting before you have an actual problem (panic). Say what you will, it's NEVER the best time or way to find out about cheating, why Rush it when the OM hasn't told yet?

 

 

 

I agree. On the surface, there is no immediate problem. By confessing she will certainly be creating a major problem all in the hopes of diminishing(theoretically) to a slight degree another potential major problem.

[Sassy Girl]

Being proactive depends on the situation. As of this second he hasn't told so she doesn't have a problem. SHE doesn't want her husband to find out, so why rush it until she knows for sure. What your saying isn't proactive (that would be once the wife knows who she is) its acting before you have an actual problem (panic). Say what you will, it's NEVER the best time or way to find out about cheating, why Rush it when the OM hasn't told yet?

 

Ps- not everyone deals with consequences for things, that's life.

 

OP says he's made his mind up... she can't talk him out of it... advice still stands... who cares about waiting a few weeks, honestly/ Wait until he tells his wife... whatever - sounds like OPs husband isn't home anyways... either way, sounds like the confession is going to happen. Wouldn't NOW be a good time to consider strategies... Isn't that the point of this thread?

 

 

Rather than just pretend it will all go away... that's not even a strategy... Its the same behaviours that led to the affair in the first place

[jbrent890]

I agree. On the surface, there is no immediate problem. By confessing she will certainly be creating a major problem all in the hopes of diminishing(theoretically) to a slight degree another potential major problem.

 

Seriously? The problem was already created, she had an affair. That is a problem that will forever engulf her marriage regardless if she confesses. It never ceases to amaze me that people think that confessing is the thing that destroys the marriage. The fact that the person cheated is what destroys the marriage. I'm a firm believer that most cheaters never saw their d day coming. You never know what stone you forgot to turn can comeback and bite you in the rear. Even you have had a few close calls haven't you? Why wait for crap to blow up or potentially blow up in your face? It's a fact that that makes the R process less likely to succeed. I could honestly understand if her husband would not want to know if he was cheated on, but most do. More importantly, if cheating is a deal breaker for her husband, then she has an obligation to tell. I'm so sick of people advocating lying to BSs so the cheater doesn't have to face the consequences. Cheating is selfish. Continuously lying about the cheating to keep people married to you because you are so afraid of losing everything is just plain sick and cowardly to me.