Broke NC. Did I ruin my chances?

[towardthefuture]

Hey guys, found this forum after my breakup and read several threads. It's been super helpful and I'd really appreciate if some folks could take a look at my situation and give some advice

 

My girlfriend of 6+ years left me. My initial reaction (I hadn't read anything about relationships or NC) was, after talking for a while I cried and begged her not to leave. Then sometime later I sent some begging/pleading texts that she responded to by saying basically 'I can't talk now. I'll always treasure our time together. That's all I can say." I said I'd give her the weekend. Then the next week I sent her a letter owning up to the problems I was responsible for in our relationship. In essence I was trying to have 'the talk' that I wished the breakup had been instead of a breakup. She told me she read my note but she couldn't talk about it now.

 

Then I learned about NC and I started NC. I was doing well for 5 days, ignored some messages that didn't need any response from me. Then on the 5th day, when she went to move her stuff out of my apartment, I wanted one of the shared items she was taking so I lost focus and made the mistake of responding. I called her and she picked up and we talked a little bit about moving stuff and then I made the mistake of talking about the relationship. She basically says she feels good about the decision after a week, it's over, move on, she never cheated on me, it wasn't anything like that, she didn't like herself in the future she saw with me, the last two years were really hard, she was still in love with me but it wasn't working. I kept her on the phone a lot longer than she wanted because I was seeking clarity and asking questions. The conversation ended by her saying 'Please give me space", and me promising to give her space. She said maybe we'll talk in the future but I should wait for her to contact and maybe/probably she never will. When I hung up I did feel clarity and a sense of closure which is a good silver lining, but it was definitely a mistake to break NC.

 

Now I am back on NC, I'm ready to move on, I'm working on myself and what's different from the previous five days NC is I'm genuinely 'dating myself, getting to know me, and being good to me' rather than 'trying to win her back'.

 

Anyway, the question I have is did I make too many mistakes with the pleading response to the initial breakup, the 'trying to talk it out' letter, and the breaking NC to have any hope that NC will work again?

 

Thanks guys I really appreciate your help.

Edited December 7, 2014 by towardthefuture

[idoltree]

Anyway, the question I have is did I make too many mistakes with the pleading response to the initial breakup, the 'trying to talk it out' letter, and the breaking NC to have any hope that NC will work again?

 

NC will always work, because NC is about healing and getting you back. It is not a strategy to get an ex to come back. No one has any control over whether that will happen. Yes, NC has a side effect sometimes of allowing someone to realize all the good that you brought to their life via the absence of that good, but NC is for you and it will always be for you.

 

In the short-term, yes, your actions didn't help your cause. But what you did are normal reactions to someone breaking your heart. It is only someone skilled in breakups who can say "Okay, I don't want this but I'll respect your decision. Goodbye." and stick to it. That only comes with experience/deep knowledge on the subject.

 

So you have even more reason to stick with it. Don't beat yourself up about your reactions. The more time that passes, the more self-respect you'll have, and that's what is important. Use NC to heal yourself, find yourself, empower yourself, respect how you deserve to be treated, etc, and you'll get back to the strong version of yourself.

[Danda]

NC will always work, because NC is about healing and getting you back. It is not a strategy to get an ex to come back. No one has any control over whether that will happen. Yes, NC has a side effect sometimes of allowing someone to realize all the good that you brought to their life via the absence of that good, but NC is for you and it will always be for you.

 

In the short-term, yes, your actions didn't help your cause. But what you did are normal reactions to someone breaking your heart. It is only someone skilled in breakups who can say "Okay, I don't want this but I'll respect your decision. Goodbye." and stick to it. That only comes with experience/deep knowledge on the subject.

 

So you have even more reason to stick with it. Don't beat yourself up about your reactions. The more time that passes, the more self-respect you'll have, and that's what is important. Use NC to heal yourself, find yourself, empower yourself, respect how you deserve to be treated, etc, and you'll get back to the strong version of yourself.

 

This this this x1000.

 

When my second relationship (over 3 years long) went down in flames, I initially did the NC thing, and part of me definitely secretly hoped it would result in him missing me, realizing he had screwed up, dumping the other woman and trying to get me back.

 

Unexpectedly (for me), by the time NC 'worked' and he wanted to me to call him, I wasn't excited or impulsive or angsty or anything. I had had a large chunk of healing, I guess, and no longer felt desperate, depressed or anxious. I had regained enough sense of self, as well, to be able to see more clearly why it was probably best that the relationship ended and that he wasn't truly what I really needed, only what had been most comfortable at the time.

 

By the time NC 'worked' and he asked me to call him, I didn't feel like it anymore and didn't. That was when I realized that NC really does work, the way it is supposed to.

[towardthefuture]

Thanks guys, I know it's for me to heal. I'm trying my best to heal and move on with my life. But I'm curious if my responses were so egregious that if there was a chance she'd come back, I ruined it? Everyone on this forum says 'you can't do anything to get her back but you can do things to make sure she DOESN'T come back'. I want to know if what I did crosses that line?

[I'mBatman]

Thanks guys, I know it's for me to heal. I'm trying my best to heal and move on with my life. But I'm curious if my responses were so egregious that if there was a chance she'd come back, I ruined it? Everyone on this forum says 'you can't do anything to get her back but you can do things to make sure she DOESN'T come back'. I want to know if what I did crosses that line?

 

One time my friend got dumped by his ex and she went the next day to his best friend. He told her to die and that their relationship meant nothing. He said to never speak to him again. She contacted him a few months later after she ended it with the best friend.

 

Honestly seems its really hard to burn bridges from that example....

[Danda]

Thanks guys, I know it's for me to heal. I'm trying my best to heal and move on with my life. But I'm curious if my responses were so egregious that if there was a chance she'd come back, I ruined it? Everyone on this forum says 'you can't do anything to get her back but you can do things to make sure she DOESN'T come back'. I want to know if what I did crosses that line?

 

Based on what she has said to you, she is not coming back. Sorry. But this is why the heavy emphasis on you healing and moving on while basically avoiding your question. You're still hopeful and it's hard to watch a hopeful person who probably doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell, and nobody in good will want to accidentally encourage that kind of self-destroying delusion. We would rather you start your healing ASAP. At least that's my viewpoint, but I imagine others share it with me.

[towardthefuture]

If she's never coming back..... should I just pull out the stops and talk to her friends and try to get the real story, and try to see her again and all the stuff everyone says not to do? I just can't believe it's over. I really can't. She's left a half finished job in our apartment, moving stuff out. Should I tell her to finish it for chrissakes so I don't have to sit with this stuff?

[Danda]

If she's never coming back..... should I just pull out the stops and talk to her friends and try to get the real story, and try to see her again and all the stuff everyone says not to do? I just can't believe it's over. I really can't. She's left a half finished job in our apartment, moving stuff out. Should I tell her to finish it for chrissakes so I don't have to sit with this stuff?

 

In my opinion you should not pull out all the stops, because the extremely likely end result will be that you are extremely angry, humiliated, hurt and hysterical. You will wind up sacrificing a ton of your dignity and it will be for basically nothing. Then you will probably experience a horrendous bout of self-loathing and will have to fight terribly hard not to let yourself become hateful towards her or even women in general. Seriously this is how people's "inner demons" get created and ****.

 

Telling her to hurry up and get her **** out of your apartment if she truly wants you to move on? I approve of this 100%.

[Danda]

Actually, in my opinion you should tell her she has one week to get the rest of her **** or you're throwing it away. And then do it if she doesn't come get it.

 

That she told you to not contact her at all anymore but left some of her stuff in your apartment is bull**** in my opinion. It's stupid and cruel. Are you just supposed to live in suspense for an unknown amount of time of when she will be coming back?

 

It's time for you to stop being pathetic and desperate (no offense) and to start respecting yourself.

 

The relationship is over and she doesn't want to work it out, doesn't want you to contact her and has told you to move on. That means she needs to get the hell out of your life.

 

One week and you throw that crap away, I say.

[towardthefuture]

Actually, in my opinion you should tell her she has one week to get the rest of her **** or you're throwing it away. And then do it if she doesn't come get it.

 

That she told you to not contact her at all anymore but left some of her stuff in your apartment is bull**** in my opinion. It's stupid and cruel. Are you just supposed to live in suspense for an unknown amount of time of when she will be coming back?

 

It's time for you to stop being pathetic and desperate (no offense) and to start respecting yourself.

 

The relationship is over and she doesn't want to work it out, doesn't want you to contact her and has told you to move on. That means she needs to get the hell out of your life.

 

One week and you throw that crap away, I say.

 

I did this. Feels good.