Office Harassment ?? Partly My Fault

[Midnight Magic]

I have a co-worker who is about 50ish and he is a rather nice looking man.

We get along great in the office and work well together. We have a very emotional relationship at the office. We are each others confidants and talk to each other about personal things in our lives. When I first started at the office several years ago, I was very much attracted to this man. Over time, I let him know my feelings for him. He in turn expressed to me that he felt the same way.

 

Yes, we flirted in the past. And we both very much enjoyed it. There was a time where if he wanted me to make love with him, I would have in a heartbeat. He wanted this too, but we decided against it. He is a married man, and I too am in a relationship.

 

And l love this job and would not want it to end because of a bad judgement that I have made.

 

Things were fine after that. It was all business and professional. I thoght things were back to normal at the office.

 

Lately, I have noticed him checking me over and looking at me when I am working.

If no one else is in the office he will put his hand on the inside of my thigh and rub it. He also likes to touch me.

 

A couple of weeks ago, he was giving me a contract to sign and I know that he felt my breast when he gave it to me.

 

But I never said anything. He just smiled at me.

 

Anyways, on Suncay when I was working at the office getting caught up, he came in shortly after and he got upset with me and told me what he asked me to do at work was not good enough, even though I know damned well that it was. He criticized me and I felt hurt. And when someone yells at me, I automatically start crying. I hate when this happens, but I am not able to control it.

 

Then he saw how I reacted, so I started to walk out of the office and he imediately apologized, and said that he did not mean what he said. Then he took my hand and held it and started rubbing it. He then put his hand inside my shirt and started rubbing my neck.

 

I told him apology accepted and I walked away.

 

This morning he is smiling at me and I feel uncomfortable. Very much so.

He just walked past my desk and rubbed his hand against my back.

 

This is the second time since he has freaked out on me, and then minutes later came to me and apologized, said he was having a bad day.

 

I want to settle this in the office and talk to him, but what do I say.

I believe he is maybe feeling rejected because of me telling him that I no longer wanted to be part of his flirtations at the office.

I know that I contributed to this situation, because of the way that I have acted with him in the past. But now it seems he picks a fight with me, just so that he can get all emotional with me and touchy feely.

 

Leaving this job is not an issue. I have worked long and hard to get where I am.

I make good money here and I am not leaving here.

 

Any suggestions are greatly accepted.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Since you have had a close personal relationship, I think you can talk to him about it without having to threaten sexual harassment. But you have to make it very clear to him that his advances are not welcome in the event that it gets to that stage.

 

Just say you know you two had a close personal relationship at one time, and mention the past flirting and feelings, but tell him you have decided it's best to have a working relationship only, and that his actions are making you very uncomfortable. Tell him you are happy in your relationship (lie if you have to).

 

It's also important that you agree to let this not affect your working relationship, that you both can let it be water under the bridge and move on.

 

If you have to warn him a second time, then also inform a 3rd party as to what is going on so that you have documentation.

[jellybean]

Dear Midnight Magic....

 

Office flirtations happen all the time between men and women, it's common and usually totally innocent.

 

But you've gone waaaay beyond that. This is a real messy situation you got yourself in.

 

You have admitted that you led him on, and contributed to the problem.

 

It's okay hun, we all make mistakes - you're only human.

 

It's called emotional infidelity...and whether you want to or not, the only solution is to move on, forget about him, and find another job.

 

You don't need this complication in your life.

[Midnight Magic]

Well I did talk to him this afternoon when no one else was in the office.

And judging by the way he was looking me over, I was not being taken seriously at all.

 

His last comment was "why not we just go somewhere, so I can f*** you, as I know that is what you want, and we both will feel better about things here in the office", then maybe we could both go on, since we would both know what it is like.

 

I told him I was giving him one final chance to stop these antics.

He said the ones that you started. He is right I got what I was asking for.

Now, I am the one that does not want the attention.

 

I am going to seriously think what I am going to say tomorrow to him.

 

No I am not leaving this job, I have been here for 5 years,and my salary has now tripled to what I was earning before.

 

Would anyone else leave a position where they are earning $ 49,000 and they started five years ago at $ 16,000.

 

No, me neither..

 

Are there any men out there that can comment.

I want to know their opinion too.

Thanks

[Tamed Wildflower]

Okay, yes, you have had a mutually flirtatious relationship with this man in the past. But now you don't want it anymore, and he MUST respect that. The fact that you used to flirt with him and that you wanted to have sex with him at an earlier point in time does NOT make it okay for him to continue to touch your body NOW. If you ran into someone you dated and slept with 10/20/30 years ago and he touched your thigh or breast because "you asked for it", would it be okay?? Of course not! You may have asked for it then, but you sure ain't askin' for now!

 

And when you talk to him about the status of your relationship, when you tell him you want him to stop, you deserve to be heard and taken seriously. Period.

 

What he is doing to you at this point does in fact amount to sexual harassment. No matter that you invited it at one point in time. At THIS point in time, you are clear that you don't want it, and his antics are creating a work environment that is uncomfortable for you. That's sexual harassment. He is obviously in some kind of position of being your superior on the job, and he is using the power that position gives him to question the quality of your work so that he can create a situation where he can touch your body. That's sexual harassment.

 

These situations can be really ambiguous. I am going to guess that at the same time as you know you don't want this kind of relationship, you probably feel your body react when he touches you. You probably feel a moment of confusion where you find yourself thinking something like, "I don't want this with him, but it feels good emotionally and sexually to be touched so tenderly. What the hell is going on? What am I feeling this? I don't want to feel this! Why can't he just stop??" Is this something like how you feel?

 

I just want you to know that if his touch feels good, that doesn't make it right that he touches you when you don't want it. Our bodies react to touch whether we want it or not, and there is nothing more humiliating than when another person exercises a power to make your body want something YOU don't want. When this happens, it is sexual harassment.

 

You are right, you have earned your employment position, you have worked hard to get that salary. He has no right to put you in a position where you are so uncomfortable that you would think of leaving it because of his sexual antics. If his antics make you think that way, that's a sure sign he is sexually harassing you.

 

What you need to do is lay down the law. Be absolutely clear that his sexual advances are not welcome anymore. Tell him he has to respect that, and tell him that if he doesn't respect that, "There is a term for that. It's SEXUAL HARASSMENT." Actually use the words so that he is entirely clear on how you will interpret any further advances.

 

Look into your company's sexual harassment policy and be prepared to report him if he continues. Also tell him that you will report him if he continues. Be clear that you are not saying this to be vindictive, you are simply asserting your right to a working environment free from the discomfort/humiliation/intimidation of unwanted sexual advances. You don't have to feel like a bitch when all you are doing is asking for the work environment that you are entitled to.

 

Also note that if he stops with the sexual antics but out of vindictiveness begins treating you differently in ways that jeopardize your work, your chance for a raise or a promotion, your reputation as an employee, etc: this is sexual harassment. If he declines to recommend you for a promotion because your work isn't good enough, that's fair. If his behavior says, "Fine, you won't give me want I want, so I will see to it that you won't advance anymore at this job," that is sexual harassment. If this happens, you should file a complaint and you should be able to prove that you were qualified for the promotion or raise. Also, when you talk to him, make it clear that you understand this kind of behavior as sexual harassment too, and that you won't hesitate to speak up if he does this.

 

Please keep us all posted as to how this works out.

[moimeme]

Take him to court. Sue the pants off him. You'll have money and end the problem.

[Midnight Magic]

Tamed Wildflower

 

You hit everything on the nose.

Yes, when he touches me it does feel good, it feels really good.

It is the tenderless and feelings that I want to feel.

Let's face it with hubby's health problems, it has been a while since we had the sexual relationship that I want.

Sure he is loving and caring and he tries his best, but I am not getting my needs met with him, but my love for him will never change.

 

My coworker knows about his health condition, and he has been great to me in terms of emotional support. I was a basket case until one day he just up and asked me what was wrong. At the time I really needed someone to ask me that and to feel that someone really cared. I was all alone. Hubby was in the hospital I did not know if he was going to live or die and I felt the whole world crashing in.

That is not a nice feeling at all.

 

This morning I asked him to go out of the office for coffee, the staff do it all the time. I just told him that we need to talk about what is going on in the office. He agreed that what is happening is not good in the office and for his marriage. He told me that he is flattered that a 36 year old beautiful and intelligent woman is attracted to him and to be honest with me, he was enjoying it very much. He said that since he had been married for the past ten years, no other woman has ever looked at him like I did and he was feeling a little macho.

 

So I was honest with him. I told him that yes I am attracted to him and yes when he touches me and looks at me the way he does, I like it. And I told him that the emotional support that he has given me has been what has gotten me through the rough times, no one else could have done what he did. He listened to me and gave me advice and was there when I needed someone to talk to. I told him that I want to remain friends with him but still respect that we are in an office environment and that we both are committed to other people and we have to keep them in mind and respect them. I told him that I don't want anyone getting hurt. I apologized to him for coming on to him, it was my fault, he never did anything until after I had made the first move. It was totally my fault and I take fulll responsibility for that.

 

I also told him that I do like him and I am fortunate to be able to work with someone like him, plus the fact that he is a wealth of knowledge to my in my office and knows all the answers that I don't.

 

I informed him that I was going to stop all flirting and being playful around him.

I told him that I wanted him to do the same with his touching me and coming on to me.

 

He said that he would stop if it is what I wanted and I said yes. So he agreed that he would respect my wishes. He said it would be hard to do, but he would do what I ask.

 

It was so much easier than I thought.

I just have to keep my word.

 

To the others, keep a working relationship, a working relationship.

You just start feeling emotions that feel good, but in turn soon you start to feel guilty as you are not really cheating, but in another sense you are.

[CurlyIam]

Gather evidence. Stop the nice chat with him. Record email, conversation, pictures, witnesses.

 

And then confront him with them. I think in a week you'll have everything you need.

 

If he still doesn't stop, threatern to see his boss and confront him with the evidence you've gathered. Remember it can get ugly. And don't give in to him. IF someone should live the workplace, it's him, not YOU.

 

Be strong,

 

Curly

[SixthSt.Girl]

It's good you were able to handle it one-on-one with him instead of going to HR or management - hopefully, the situation will be resolved. I once had a guy ask me out repeatedly at work, after I'd said I was not interested. He called me at my desk, and it was so annoying and embarrassing. I ended up going to HR. They were very nice about it and gave him a warning. He never bothered me again, but it created trouble for me in the office. I was a lowly intern, and this guy was pretty popular - his group of friends (who are not people you want to mess with) sided with him and treated him like a victim. It became so uncomfortable that I almost wished I had not spoken out. I had thought about trying to stay on because this company hires most of its interns full-time after college, but it's awkward when a whole department of people dislike you - it wasn't worth it. Anyway, hopefully your situation won't get to this point. It sounds like he really cares about you and respects your wishes.

[Midnight Magic]

Well I for one am not the blackmailing kind, where I would go to the HR Dept. especially when I started it, he just played into my little game. The more I think about it, the more I am not impressed with my actions, let alone his.

What the hell was I thinking. Sure it was fun while it lasted, but as we know all good things come to an end.

 

It seems like he will comply. I mean we had a good working relationship that turned into a work-emotional relationship.

 

We are both professionals in our office and that is where it is going to stay.

I would never want him to leave his job as he too has been in the company for 9 years and he has worked hard to be where he is.

 

Personally, I think the situation is handled.

I do feel totally responsible for this happening and I guess I should. Things were fine until I turned him on and now I want to turn him off.

But I think it is going to be ok.

 

This afternoon it is only him and me in the office and he is doing his part.

And I am doing mine. I will stay in my office and he will stay in his office and we will do our work as is expected.

 

I think things will be ok.

[Tamed Wildflower]

I know it has been a while since this incident now... but I just wanted to say that I am glad that you handled it well and that he agreed to stop. It's really nice too that he was willing to be understanding of your wishes, and that you didn't have to get really harsh with him. Sounds like he is an understanding friend.

 

Have you both been able to keep your word?