laelithia Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 When I asked him how he knew for sure it was the right decision to break up and I wasn't the one he said: "I loved and love you. But our personalities are too alike and different all at the same time. We cause stress right now and as people right now it's not healthy for us to be together. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't speak well." I'm wondering what this means going forward. He has said he would like to continue talking and definitely initiates conversation. But any hanging out in person doesn't seem to happen. Is there hope here? We have been broken up for 4 months now. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 No. He's keeping his options open, but you are pretty far down on his list of options. Stop hurting yourself by engaging him and go No Contact. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 7, 2014 Author Share Posted December 7, 2014 I guess I'm just confused with the change of heart. He was really determined for us to date and stay together, and after the break up he insisted we stay in contact. It's been four months since we split and he has been adamant that he hasn't dated anyone else and that he wants to know as soon as I do. He mentioned being "afraid" of dating me, as when we were together at the end I was a horrible gf, but I have learned a great deal since then. Link to post Share on other sites
E.A Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 He wants to get back together and maintain contact with you but he just needs time. I'm going through this also Link to post Share on other sites
EmbeddedCortex Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 When I asked him how he knew for sure it was the right decision to break up and I wasn't the one he said: "I loved and love you. But our personalities are too alike and different all at the same time. We cause stress right now and as people right now it's not healthy for us to be together. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't speak well." I'm wondering what this means going forward. He has said he would like to continue talking and definitely initiates conversation. But any hanging out in person doesn't seem to happen. Is there hope here? We have been broken up for 4 months now. I don't see why you've kept this going for 4 months. It seems to me he's using you as an open backup option while he goes out and dates other women. You should really stop talking to him, he's being ridiculously selfish. Source: I'm a dude. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 7, 2014 Author Share Posted December 7, 2014 I don't see why you've kept this going for 4 months. It seems to me he's using you as an open backup option while he goes out and dates other women. You should really stop talking to him, he's being ridiculously selfish. Source: I'm a dude. He said he wants to try talking "normal" for a while. The reason I agreed was because I was going through a tough time before and after the break up and was not treating him well. He said I changed, and I did as I was very angry and irritable near the end of the relationship and I said mean things out of anger. I was trying to show him how much I had learned and changed Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted December 7, 2014 Share Posted December 7, 2014 he hasn't dated anyone else and that he wants to know as soon as I do. Oh he does, does he? -lol!? He's told you a lot of "blah-blah-blah" to keep you snug in his pocket. It's been 4 months and nothing has changed. Stop waiting around for this guy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
I'mBatman Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 The majority of the people here agree your basically his safety net. He may or may not be seeing other people. Tell him you've had a change of heart and speaking with him is only hurting you from moving on and finding someone better. He will get mad and blah blah blah just ignore him and move on with it. Link to post Share on other sites
EmbeddedCortex Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 He said he wants to try talking "normal" for a while. The reason I agreed was because I was going through a tough time before and after the break up and was not treating him well. He said I changed, and I did as I was very angry and irritable near the end of the relationship and I said mean things out of anger. I was trying to show him how much I had learned and changed That's BS talk. He's trying to use you to slowly help him move on. He wants to transition you from "girlfriend" to "friend". That's what he means by wanting to talk "normal" (translation: let's be friends so you can maybe be my backup). Look, unless you did something bad in the relationship, you don't really have anything to prove. His loss. If he dumped you, then he doesn't want you in his life, unless it's for his own benefit. All this will do is give you false hope, while he goes out dating, and then when he's ready he'll cut you off or at most keep you as a "friend". Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 That's BS talk. He's trying to use you to slowly help him move on. He wants to transition you from "girlfriend" to "friend". That's what he means by wanting to talk "normal" (translation: let's be friends so you can maybe be my backup). Look, unless you did something bad in the relationship, you don't really have anything to prove. His loss. If he dumped you, then he doesn't want you in his life, unless it's for his own benefit. All this will do is give you false hope, while he goes out dating, and then when he's ready he'll cut you off or at most keep you as a "friend". I agree with all of you but I was bad in the relationship. I lost my temper over small things and made everything a big deal. I wasn't communicative and he tried hard for a time but gave up on me just as I was realizing my errors. I have been trying to atone for his behaviour and I think instead it backfired and made him indifferent towards me, I'm not sure anymore Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 I'm a woman but I interpreted his statement to mean he was trying to let you down gently. Most people who say they want to stay in touch are only doing it as a way to be kind because they are not inherently mean & harbor no ill will toward their EX What did you mean when you said you were a "horrible GF" in the end? If you hope to get back together you need to talk to him. Lay it all out on the table, Risk your heart & tell him why you are good together. If you can't do that there is no hope. He may still say no but at least you tried. If he doesn't want to get back together, you owe him no explanation about when you start dating another. If he's not your BF he gets no say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 I agree with all of you but I was bad in the relationship. I lost my temper over small things and made everything a big deal. I wasn't communicative and he tried hard for a time but gave up on me just as I was realizing my errors. I have been trying to atone for his behaviour and I think instead it backfired and made him indifferent towards me, I'm not sure anymore Going out of your way to show that you've changed is a surefire way to guarantee that he doesn't notice the changes. If he cares, he'll notice on his own without your prodding. You are trying so hard to connect dots to necessitate contact, and all it's doing is holding you back. You need to stop and let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 You're mostly right, except for the contact. He always initiates it, even calls me. But if I dont answer right away he can get passive aggressive which causes me to usually try and fix it. I think you're all right in that I just need to take a step back Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 i have a problem with the loved you and love you part......its poetic and it actually i feel.....i smeant as is..... it is not true... one or the other......to love or to have loved one person are very different emotions...one is present the other is not.... and he has to make a choice......either he still loves or he has loved.....he cant have that one both ways with the same person......and that is what he wants.....i actually think it is a well thought out sentence...that leaves confusion as the desired outcome...he doesnt want to be clear on what he wants......or where you stand...or where he stands..choice is something only he can make with this...and he needs to make it....we all feel confusion but stringing someone along is not being true to them or to yourself...that line belongs in poetry built on angst....... i loved you before ....i love you still but i cannot abide to break your will sort of poetry looks better on paper than to break someones heart and it will break you .....loving someone who is not sure if they really love you enough to be with you.......move on with your life.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 i have a problem with the loved you and love you part......its poetic and it actually i feel.....i smeant as is..... it is not true... one or the other......to love or to have loved one person are very different emotions...one is present the other is not.... and he has to make a choice......either he still loves or he has loved.....he cant have that one both ways with the same person......and that is what he wants.....i actually think it is a well thought out sentence...that leaves confusion as the desired outcome...he doesnt want to be clear on what he wants......or where you stand...or where he stands..choice is something only he can make with this...and he needs to make it....we all feel confusion but stringing someone along is not being true to them or to yourself...that line belongs in poetry built on angst....... i loved you before ....i love you still but i cannot abide to break your will sort of poetry looks better on paper than to break someones heart and it will break you .....loving someone who is not sure if they really love you enough to be with you.......move on with your life.....deb Thank you, Deb. You gave a whole other level of insight to this that I had not seen. You're right, he has no intention of being clear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 Further evidence of that today. Me: It's ok, I know we are 100% done. It took a while but I got it. No hard feelings anymore Him: Ok.. Me: That's what I meant about the honesty part. If you had said all this early on we could have avoided a lot of fights lol Him: I didn't know it early on and still don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Chin Up Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 He knew it enough to call it quits and has made no effort to repair things in the last 4 months. Doesn't seem like confusion to me. Seems like he made a choice and is sticking to it. Like I said before. A lot of "blah-blah-blah" to keep you hanging around. You're not getting anything out of this, and it's not going anywhere. Drop him like a bad habit and walk away. He knows your number. If and when he decides he wants to talk about reconciliation, he can give you a call. He won't know what he's missing if you're always popping up and making yourself available. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Further evidence of that today. Me: It's ok, I know we are 100% done. It took a while but I got it. No hard feelings anymore Him: Ok.. Me: That's what I meant about the honesty part. If you had said all this early on we could have avoided a lot of fights lol Him: I didn't know it early on and still don't. I mean, at this point you're your own worst enemy engaging in this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 Yes you are both right. It's become a crutch I lean on. I'm 25 but this is the first time a relationship ended without my initiation and I clearly don't know how to handle it. I guess live and learn. At this point should I outright say I need space, or fade off? Or nothing at all Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Yes you are both right. It's become a crutch I lean on. I'm 25 but this is the first time a relationship ended without my initiation and I clearly don't know how to handle it. I guess live and learn. At this point should I outright say I need space, or fade off? Or nothing at all Nothing. You've already talked way too much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 I still have him and his sister on facebook as well, I feel like flat out ignoring him will be awkward Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 I still have him and his sister on facebook as well, I feel like flat out ignoring him will be awkward No it won't. Just unfriend them. It's FB for heaven's sake. It's not the end of the world. Be polite if you bump into them in public. Nothing more is required. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 Ok. What do you all think was meant by this comment? "I know we honestly hate things about each other and fight. But we don't hate each other. There's an underlying love that won't go. But we can't have it. It would wreck us both. That doesn't meant we can't help each other where we are needed and be humans with each other. I'm done being a monster to you. It's over " Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 8, 2014 Share Posted December 8, 2014 Ok. What do you all think was meant by this comment? "I know we honestly hate things about each other and fight. But we don't hate each other. There's an underlying love that won't go. But we can't have it. It would wreck us both. That doesn't meant we can't help each other where we are needed and be humans with each other. I'm done being a monster to you. It's over " You really need to stop trying to analyze every word and what it means. What's relevant and absolute is the fact that it is has ended and it is over. The comment is coming from a place where is he is being polite and laying you down gently to alleviate his guilt. Flowery words don't mean anything when by action he is showing you it's over between the two of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laelithia Posted December 8, 2014 Author Share Posted December 8, 2014 I agree. My confusion is then, why does he insist on maintaining contact if he is finished with me romantically? I have ended relationships before and I had no desire to keep speaking with them Link to post Share on other sites
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