Guys out there, translate for me?

[Zahara]

I agree. My confusion is then, why does he insist on maintaining contact if he is finished with me romantically? I have ended relationships before and I had no desire to keep speaking with them

 

It's very common for dumpers to remain in contact -- whether it is to use you as a crutch, to provide attention, to keep you on the backburner, to get an ego boost, etc. I have had exs do that to me, and I am sure most on LS have had a past partner do that to them. Dumpers go through their own withdrawals from an ending and sometimes they keep you around to help them transition to the next phase. And there are times they do it because it's a nice feeling to know that they still have control over you and to know that you're still affected by them.

 

They don't have to be romantically involved in order to maintain contact. To them it's just contact because they are detached. To you it has this deeper meaning because you're still emotional.

[stillafool]

I agree with all of you but I was bad in the relationship. I lost my temper over small things and made everything a big deal. I wasn't communicative and he tried hard for a time but gave up on me just as I was realizing my errors. I have been trying to atone for his behaviour and I think instead it backfired and made him indifferent towards me, I'm not sure anymore

 

All of the above means absolutely nothing when a man wants you. Alot of us have lost our tempers and don't always communicate how we are feeling. Still our partners are with us. No one is pleasant all the time. There are women who have screwed around on their husbands with other men and still those men don't want to let them go. So what you did is not enough to break up with someone you are in love with. Stop looking for excuses to hang on to a dead friendship. There lots of other men out there.

[stillafool]

I agree. My confusion is then, why does he insist on maintaining contact if he is finished with me romantically? I have ended relationships before and I had no desire to keep speaking with them

 

Men especially will keep you on the back burner. Heck, they may want or need to have sex with you again in case of a dry spell. It is up to you to gather your self esteem and move on.

[me85]

Don't worry about whether or not there's a chance in the future just focus on the fact that there's no chance right now at this very moment. That's all you need to know. He's not seeing you in person for a reason...because he doesn't want to. BUT he does want to keep the lines of communication open just in case he needs a fall back crutch (aka YOU.)

 

Don't be his plan B. Don't do that to yourself. Take it from me, it doesn't feel good to be there for someone you love who isn't there for you and doesn't love you back.

Edited December 8, 2014 by me85

[BC1980]

I agree. My confusion is then, why does he insist on maintaining contact if he is finished with me romantically? I have ended relationships before and I had no desire to keep speaking with them

 

My last ex kept in contact with me for 4 months. He always initiated it too, but that doesn't mean anything. I really think he wanted to use the immediate aftermath of the breakup like a trial run. He was seeing how he felt on his own but keeping me around in case he changed his mind. He would text me every few days, and he even initiated meeting up a few times. I didn't understand it until I came to LS and realized it's pretty common for an ex to keep tabs on you or keep you on good terms.

 

All you need to know is that his continued contact benefits him, not you. He is fine staying in contact because he's not as emotionally attached as you. It doesn't hurt him the way it hurts you.

[Maggie4]

It could be that he wants to keep you around because you are quite a wonderful person. But there was a toxic side to the relationship. So it doesn't work.

 

I think you need to stop believing that your mistakes caused all the problems. Because you feel bad for what you did, you think if you only learn to do things differently, it will work out. No. When you meet the right person, you won't have to work that hard. You can be yourself. I tell you this from my own experience.

 

Guy I dated had a way of pushing my buttons, intentionally or not, and setting me off. I know I'm no saint, but who is? Then he tells me I am the problem. I tried to be different. You know what? After I got over him, and found someone more compatible with me, I realized I can effortlessly be a good gf to the right guy. So you see, it's the other ex's loss.

[laelithia]

It turns how he has been seeing his ex again officially since early this fall and lied to me about it. I have been intimate with him several times since he's been seeing her and I didn't know. I told the ex and she was greatful to know the truth. His true character has revealed itself

Edited December 9, 2014 by laelithia

[Simon Phoenix]

Not surprised in the slightest. Hopefully this will get your butt in gear to move forward.

[leoc1973]

I think a lot of people commented that you are his safety net but I don't think so. He probably loves you and doesn't wanna permanently lose you but you are too overbearing to date.

 

He is taking a break from you and when he says things like "let me know if you start dating someone else" Like I said he doesn't wanna lose you permanently but you are probably either driving the guy nuts or making him miserable.

[stillafool]

It turns how he has been seeing his ex again officially since early this fall and lied to me about it. I have been intimate with him several times since he's been seeing her and I didn't know. I told the ex and she was greatful to know the truth. His true character has revealed itself

 

When did you tell her?

[laelithia]

I told her earlier today when I found out. He sent me a message saying I had ruined his life and he was going to kill himself. He has threatened this in the past though. I'm just disgusted with the whole thing, I want nothing to do with him. He said he loved her, broke up due to distance, dated and loved me, then broke up with me and started loving her again. He said he had no answer as to why he continued to see me if he loved her. Go figure

[laelithia]

She oddly added me on facebook a few hours ago. I hesitated to add her back and when I checked back she had blocked me. I'm assuming this means he has lied to her about me

[laelithia]

Today I just feel physically sick over the whole thing. He lead me on completely and I fell for it and now I look like the bad guy in their "relationship" that was completely unknown to me. I've blocked all contact from him but I don't know how to move on from this emotionally. I feel so betrayed and ashamed and all I wanted was his love back

[newlyborn]

your relationship with him sounds toxic indeed.

 

why did you tell his girlfriend that you had slept with him?

[laelithia]

your relationship with him sounds toxic indeed.

 

why did you tell his girlfriend that you had slept with him?

 

I didn't know they were together... He lied to me and said he wasn't seeing anyone else but I came across a picture that showed otherwise and thought she deserved to know the truth. But now I feel like all it did was harm. And as messed up as it is I feel like I lost his friendship for good now. Maybe I never had it

[newlyborn]

I didn't know they were together... He lied to me and said he wasn't seeing anyone else but I came across a picture that showed otherwise and thought she deserved to know the truth. But now I feel like all it did was harm. And as messed up as it is I feel like I lost his friendship for good now. Maybe I never had it

 

i don't know that a cheater deserves any consideration or grace. still, i think that your telling his girlfriend was not for her benefit but to break up her relationship with your ex - which she likely realizes and has, therefore, blocked you on Facebook. i do think that your doing that reveals something about the nature of the relationship itself: enmeshed, intense, manipulative, unreliable, controlling. the relationship is now really dead, nails in coffin, buried 6-feet-deep. there is no friendship on the immediate horizon. i am very sorry. but you deserve so much better anyway -- and will get through this.

[laelithia]

i don't know that a cheater deserves any consideration or grace. still, i think that your telling his girlfriend was not for her benefit but to break up her relationship with your ex - which she likely realizes and has, therefore, blocked you on Facebook. i do think that your doing that reveals something about the nature of the relationship itself: enmeshed, intense, manipulative, unreliable, controlling. the relationship is now really dead, nails in coffin, buried 6-feet-deep. there is no friendship on the immediate horizon. i am very sorry. but you deserve so much better anyway -- and will get through this.

 

I agree, but don't significant orber's have the right to know is their partner is cheating on them? I just felt so guilty and disgusting as if I were the other woman and I had to tell her. This whole thing disgusts me because prior to him, I had a normal healthy relationship for 6 years. I have never been in this kind of situation and I hate that now I have "enemies". I am a kind and caring person and I feel sick about all of this. It was his wrong doing yet I am the one paying for it over and over. He should have been honest to me from the beginning and I would have left him alone completely. But he kept saying he couldn't bare not having me in his life and I fell for it

[newlyborn]

yes, of course, people have a right to know that their partner is cheating on them. but, when that information comes from the "other woman" who wants to have the man to herself, it is often taken with a grain of salt. and sometimes the "other woman" is treated as crazy while the relationship continues. (btw, i know that you were not the "other woman" knowingly, just technically because he was officially in a relationship with the woman you told.)

[laelithia]

After some time to reflect on this whole thing, I'm wondering what all of this says about me. Why did I fall for a guy like this? Why do I still miss talking to him each day knowing what he has put me through and likely never truly cared about me? This are the things keeping me up at night these days...

[laelithia]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a couple weeks and I have overall been doing better, but days like today seem to come every once in a while. It feels like so long ago that this all happened, yet still painfully fresh. I'm still hurt by it all. How does someone who once cared so deeply about me do this and feel no remorse? He strung me along for months, essentially cheated on me, then tossed me away like garbage. All while I was trying to be there for him. Sometimes I feel like I'll never feel normal again, like this will always weigh on me.

 

What do I do to forget about all of this?

Edited December 24, 2014 by laelithia

[oldshirt]

 

What do I do to forget about all of this?

 

Live a rich and full life.

[BC1980]

What do I do to forget about all of this?

 

You can't forget about it. Over time, the situation becomes less relevant to your everyday life (as long as you keep NC and press on). You use the bad as a learning experience, and, in a weird way, the whole thing becomes a part of your story. Not the defining part anymore but just an experience that makes up who you are.

 

I promise the emotions and memories won't always be so raw and make you cry at the drop of a hat. You have to press on and really try to make new memories and a new life. It took me about a year to be able to finally say, my ex was a part of my life, and I'm truly now in a different place. There were a lot of times that I truly thought those feelings would never pass, but it gets so much better if you allow it to.

 

So in regards to forgetting, I can't forget my ex. I think about him everyday, but it's not in the same way. It's not that soul crushing, bittersweet feeling. It's not anger anymore. It's not resentment. I just don't feel that much at all, and thinking of him is like habit. You will get there in time.

[Ahni]

I am going through the exact same thing. I did the same, was really unaware of how much he tried to work with me, how much effort he put in to trying to understand me, and nothing showed me he actually cared. I took him for granted, and made big deals out of nothing. He had his issues too, but, mine were unmanageable, and we had a few conversation where he just wanted to be friends, and that it was just too toxic. It took probably 4 of those talks, and he finally started to push me away..I've been in therapy over a year, and have gotten a lot better, but the whole experience showed me a lot. Which is sad because the guy had to leave in order for me to see it..Our break up wasnt immediate, but he finally did it. He said he loved me, but needed time to heal, that things got too toxic, and that he could probably get over things, but didnt want to give me hope, because he couldn't tell the future..

 

Difficult thing is, we work together, and its terrible. I would try and talk to him there about it, and he would just ignore me, and said it wasn't the place. Rightfully so but what did he expect? I begged him to quit if he didn't want to see me or deal with it, but he refused. I've gotten to the point where I keep my distance, but its still terrible.

 

I asked him if he was going to see other people, he said no, that he didnt want to be in a relationship with anyone. Period.

 

But now that I've let go, he totally gives mixed signals. He spent Thanksgiving with me and it was great, until he was leaving. He got really sad, and said how said he was about what happened between us, then didn't call me on Xmas, and then showed up to a NYE get-together with his parents, we all had an amazing time, and then went back to acting like nothing happened. Then after another week started calling me by my pet name again, and hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and forehead..but no contact outside of work..

 

I totally understand what you're going through, and it just seems like he needs space and time to process things..but then again, I could be holding on with that idea for a lost cause..who knows.

 

How are things going now for you?

Edited January 16, 2015 by Ahni

[Ahni]

Gosh, I was going to comment that I am going through the exact same thing, but then I read through and saw how it unfolded. I hope you're doing okay. Thats terrible.

 

Im at about the 4 month mark, with a very similar situation, but its at a stand still and am getting mixed signals, no ex's and no other people involved, just broken up with and sad about it. I guess I can learn from your experience and realize that anything can happen..

 

Hope you're doing okay