I'm a walkaway wife. This is so hard.

[DaisyLA]

Married 11 years/together 13. No kids.

 

It's hard to remember how it felt, but we were "that" couple for many years: very in love with each other, genuinely enjoyed being together, wrapped up in each other. My husband has always had issues with depression and anxiety. He got on meds several years ago, which helped a bit.

 

Two years ago, he lost his job. We knew it was coming, so it wasn't a shock. He decided to take some time off to figure out what he wanted to do. For someone with depression, that was a horrible decision, in hindsight. He quickly grew severely depressed, to the point of being barely functional. Our relationship shifted into a more parent-child dynamic, where I was his caretaker. He refused to go to the doctor/counselor, and would cancel appointments I made for him. He started having suicidal ideation, but would insist the next day that everything was fine. In May, after 18 months of the stress of this, I feel like I broke. I gave up. I was too chicken to leave because I didn't want to hurt him, but I was done. I wanted more for my life, and I knew I couldn't make him happy (nor was it my responsibility, as much as I tried). He got on a new medication over the summer, which helped some, and got a job in September. He still had depressive episodes, but I was so checked out that it annoyed me more than anything. I started imagining how my life would look if I were single, and I knew I would be happy. I'm a happy person, in general. I don't want him to drown me.

 

Things came to a head last week. He called in sick to work Monday & Tuesday because he was depressed. His depression was directly linked to binge drinking he'd done that weekend. He always gets depressed after drinking. On Wednesday, he woke me up at 4:30a to tell me he wanted to call in again. I snapped. I canceled a trip I was supposed to take to visit friends that day, and told him I needed space. I left and went to my mom's, where I've been since.

 

He's spent the past few days shell shocked. He told me he understands why I left, and that he's proud of me for being brave enough to do it. He was crying nonstop for a few days, but opened up to his parents and a couple close friends. He called me today, and I can tell he's truly "awakened." I've read a lot about walkaway wife syndrome, and how men often wake up and fundamentally change after it happens.

 

I'm at the point where I don't know if I want to have the willingness to try. Leaving was, by far, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know I'm codependent with my caretaking. Every instinct in me wants to reassure him that everything will be fine. But I'm forcing myself not to give in to that.

 

Part of me wants to give him another chance. Staying married is about a billion times easier than leaving. Path of least resistance and all. Part of me is worried that I won't have the courage to leave again if I go back and realize it's not what I want. We've never had much in common, and my months of self reflection this year has made me realize that life is too short, and I may find someone whose personality and life goals are more similar to my own. Or I may stay single and just have rich relationships with friends. And that sounds lovely, too. Independence and growth are what I want. Not stagnation. His anxiety has always kind of kept me tethered to the house; he worries every time I go anywhere, which makes me worry, which ruins things. It's exactly what happened with the trip I was supposed to take last week, and his depression leading up to me leaving. It's the reason we decided not to have kids, even though I wanted them for years. His anxiety was so high that he kept saying "maybe next year."

 

He's asked me to come home today so he can start showing me how much I mean, and how much he wants to change. I know that "change" after just 4 days away is not real change. I'm so torn between the life I've started envisioning for myself, and the life I've had for 13 years. I know that we both need a lot of counseling, regardless.

 

I know this is all over the place. The basic point is to ask for perspectives if anyone has been a walkaway wife, or if you're the husband of a walkaway wife. Did you give your husband a second chance? As the husband, do you feel like you truly changed?

 

Thank you for reading. I've been reading this forum daily since everything happened. It's been very helpful to read your stories and advice.

Edited December 7, 2014 by DaisyLA

[beach]

Alcohol is a depressant . The top two symptoms of an alcoholic are anxiety and depression.

 

I would suggest you not consider moving back with him unless he gets ANDY stays sober a LONG time!

 

You aren't living! You've given up all YOUR hopes and dreams to his drinking/anxiety/depression! That's not right!

 

It's as if he is a ball and chain dragging you down and your happiness too.

 

DO NOT sacrifice living a happy life for any man that makes life a sheer misery!

 

These are HIS issues to change. His issues to sift through. It could take years for him to become happy again without drinking. But that can only be changed by HIS actions!

 

So no, I wouldn't go home (but that is my opinion). You must honor YOURSELF and you really deserve to live life and be happy!

 

He has a LOT of work to do on himself to get well. You can't do it FOR him and I doubt you want to watch him sift through all his crap that caused him to drink and cover up his pain. It's hard - but worth doing!

 

Yes, I'm a recovered alcoholic for today. Believe me - give him space and see if he intends to change things.

[StalwartMind]

When you've been together for 13 years or any amount of time that covers a significant part of our life, it's of course a serious issue when you are considering your future. I do no question for a second how draining it can be to live with someone who suffer from a mental illness. It's in everyone's interest that people whom do struggle with depression and otherwise, get the best help they can.

 

It may seem insensitive to some, but in the end it's not your responsibility or anyone else, when it comes to his well being and happiness too. This is not to advocate that people just "leave" others as soon as an issue arise, it's more of a realistic reminder to us all that we are all responsible for ourselves. I'm completely fine with people whom desire to devote their entire life to someone or something that they are passionate about and care deeply for. In fact I find it very admirable, however I'll always say this to anyone, you should never be living your life with regret.

 

You write very clearly multiple times, how now that you've had time to reflect on life and what it would be like if you were alone or even met someone whom you shared much more with. Life is indeed to short, we have a very limited amount of time on this planet and I would loathe myself if I ever prevented anyone from enjoying it the way they truly desire. I don't believe anyone should spend time with someone or be doing anything, that makes them feel chained rather than free.

 

The consequence of your relationship are very clear, as recent as the trip you had planned to visit a friend. Everything I've said could give you the impression that I'm in favor of the idea of you not going back. However it's really too hard to tell entirely, because I very much believe that people can change for the better too. It may be that it's only in the fewest of cases where people actually do change, or show the desire to want to change in a very serious manner. Even so, you need to consider heavily, if you are someone whom feel you does have the strange to break free from him, in case things do not work out as you may of hoped for.

 

It's by all means not an easy choice and you should probably reflect even more on it, to get an even better picture of your own inner feelings and thoughts. I will say that I do find it kind of strange that you never had much in common, but I also know that sometimes people can make relationships work perfectly despite of that.

 

Unsure of your age, nor is it too relevant with all that is going on, but if your biological clock is still ticking, I'm sure you've made yourself some thoughts about that too. Either way it's entirely possible to live a life being single too and surrounded by great friends whom enhance every good quality you already have.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure I'd call you a walk-away wife. Alcoholism, chronic untreated mental illness and chronic unemployment are valid deal-breakers in my book.

 

 

If you want to consider letting him make one last heroic attempt to fix himself and then fix the marriage that is your business and your decision. However I would insist that he seek valid treatment for his depression/alcohol issues and be cleared by a doctor and then be gainfully employed before you consider moving back in with him.

 

 

I think would be fair for you to require his mental issues to be properly medically managed and under control and for him to be gainfully employed before you return to the home and marriage.

 

 

IMHO I think someone has to be at minimum a sane, sober, employed citizen and contributing member of society to be considered a valid candidate to be a spouse.

 

 

A person is better off as a single rather than being yoked to someone to refuses to properly address and treat their mental health/addiction problems and won't seek gainful employment.

 

 

It is per that note that I disagree with you. I believe staying in such a marriage will be the harder and more problem-laden option. It won't be easier to stay in that marriage, it will just be more familiar. That is a symptom of your codependency and ennabling. for a nonenabler, staying with an alcoholic with untreated chronic depression and refusal to seek gainful unemployment would be unthinkable.

[beach]

Have you had professional help dealing with being the enabler/codependent one in this relationship?

 

Why should all the responsibility and burden of making things work all fall to you only?

 

You can't do ALL of it for both people when you are only one person! It will kill you... Mentally, the spirit of you and physically.

 

You certainly must not respect him if he acts like you are his willing dumping ground! Any relationship without respect is never healthy.

 

I mean really... If he's asking you to come back home - what is his offer? What does HE offer to YOUR life that makes YOUR life nice, sweet, beautiful and balanced?

 

If his offer is to jump back into to his crap that HE has created - then simply tell him NO WAY!

[DaisyLA]

I will say that I do find it kind of strange that you never had much in common, but I also know that sometimes people can make relationships work perfectly despite of that.

 

Unsure of your age, nor is it too relevant with all that is going on, but if your biological clock is still ticking, I'm sure you've made yourself some thoughts about that too. Either way it's entirely possible to live a life being single too and surrounded by great friends whom enhance every good quality you already have.

 

Many thanks for all of your insights. I'm 34; he's 41. It IS strange that we never had much in common. I was kind of magnetically drawn to him at the ripe old age of 21. He was one of the most intelligent people I'd ever met. I thought, naively, that if I loved him and supported him enough, I could help him realize his potential and be happy. Is it super obvious now that I was raised with an alcoholic father? Ha. It's like textbook. His drinking has always been problematic. He isn't the same kind of alcoholic as my father, so it was a lot easier for me to brush it off. He didn't drink everyday, or sneak off to drink like my dad. He would binge drink when he did, though. Prior to the past couple years, he always held down a job, and wasn't a mean or embarrassing drunk like my dad. He just got depressed. "Just." It was easy for me to excuse. He has said a million times that he's going to quit drinking. Writing this has made me realize I need to go back to al-anon, or something.

 

A huge part of my wanting to "help" him be happier has evolved into me doing evvverything. I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, home repairs, breadwinner job, research for all decisions, even packing his lunch for work. I know this only made things worse by allowing him to not be responsible for anything. We all get pride and confidence from independence.

 

I've spent the past year focusing more heavily on fostering my friendships, and have learned a lot about what I want and don't. I thought I'd made more progress in this area, but damn. I'm realizing how badly I need counseling. I don't want to repeat this pattern in the future. But it's what I've always done. Even as a kid, I felt personally responsible for my parents' happiness. If I were perfect, maybe dad would quit drinking and mom would be less stressed. It wasn't til a few years ago when talking to friends that I realized most kids did not grow up feeling responsible for making their parents happy.

 

Uhh...I got totally off track, but needed to get that out. I'm realizing how much bigger all of this is than simply him getting on better meds, or me trying to "check in" to the relationship again. Prior to leaving, I felt that even if things were great and he were happy, that this wasn't what I wanted for my life anymore. It gets so foggy now that I'm going through the process.

Edited December 7, 2014 by DaisyLA

[beach]

You can't help someone else get happier - that is THEIR job to DO that for themself.

 

It's opposite - the more YOU do those things FOR them - the more they aren't proud of themselves.

 

He's reduced himself to being a baby. He sits there drinking and not working and you do everything FOR him.

 

Step away for a LONG while. He MAY get well if you stop spoon feeding him. He might get FORCED to do shopping, laundry, cooking and cleaning!

 

And he might be sober!

 

 

 

A huge part of my wanting to "help" him be happier has evolved into me doing evvverything. I do all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, home repairs, breadwinner job, research for all decisions, even packing his lunch for work. I know this only made things worse by allowing him to not be responsible for anything. We all get pride and confidence from independence.

[DaisyLA]

Have you had professional help dealing with being the enabler/codependent one in this relationship?

 

Why should all the responsibility and burden of making things work all fall to you only?

 

You can't do ALL of it for both people when you are only one person! It will kill you... Mentally, the spirit of you and physically.

 

You certainly must not respect him if he acts like you are his willing dumping ground! Any relationship without respect is never healthy.

 

I mean really... If he's asking you to come back home - what is his offer? What does HE offer to YOUR life that makes YOUR life nice, sweet, beautiful and balanced?

 

If his offer is to jump back into to his crap that HE has created - then simply tell him NO WAY!

 

I haven't had therapy since I was 21 and did a few months of intensive outpatient for bulimia. It's definitely time. Therapy for bulimia centered largely around learning to develop appropriate boundaries with my father. I clearly need a refresher.

 

His offer is that he's never drinking again, understands how much I mean to him, wants us to do things together, wants to get help, etc. I believe he sincerely means it, but he needs to do those things for himself, not for me. We both need to be whole people.

[whichwayisup]

He has to want to stop, want to get help. To go on meds for his depression and anxiety, to seek counseling to face his issues and learn how to cope with life in a healthier way and go to AA meetings. Saying and doing are two different things.

 

You tried your best throughout the marriage and he had his issues from the get go. Maybe there's been too damage and your marriage isn't salvageable, maybe not. But right now he HAS to want to get better for himself, not to change because he's scared of losing you and being on his own. No reason to rush the decision to divorce, but separating for a bit will good for you both.

 

You've only known him when he's been depressed and suffering from anxiety, and the drinking. If he can clean himself up, who knows what he'll be like.

 

13 years is a lot of time invested in someone to just walk away, but at the same time if you feel like you're done, then you're done. And that's okay. Your own mental health and happiness counts too.

[beach]

I haven't had therapy since I was 21 and did a few months of intensive outpatient for bulimia. It's definitely time. Therapy for bulimia centered largely around learning to develop appropriate boundaries with my father. I clearly need a refresher.

 

His offer is that he's never drinking again, understands how much I mean to him, wants us to do things together, wants to get help, etc. I believe he sincerely means it, but he needs to do those things for himself, not for me. We both need to be whole people.

 

And he will hopefully do those things FOR himself.

 

If you go home now then nothing really changes without him making that effort to change himself.

 

Give him a year or two to show EVIDENCE that he keeps his word - them maybe consider it.

 

For now his word is just empty promises without evidence that he's changed.

[GirlStillStrong]

His offer is that he's never drinking again, understands how much I mean to him, wants us to do things together, wants to get help, etc. I believe he sincerely means it, but he needs to do those things for himself, not for me. We both need to be whole people.

 

I have more experience with all of the issues you discuss in your posts than I care to admit. Here's what I know for certain. Never drinking again is not a relationship issue and is nothing to be offered as a negotiating point. He either gets serious about never drinking again or he doesn't, with or without you. Same with medical treatment of his mental health issues. His promises to do so are really just disguises for making YOU responsible for him YET AGAIN. Being successful at the changes he needs to make requires a COMPLETE life change on multiple fronts. You do not need to be there for these things to occur and, quite frankly, will probably only hinder the process and make it worse.

 

I am willing to bet you are codependent. You might want to look into that. I strongly suggest you do not move back home but instead take steps to get your own place or stay with your parents. You do not need to make decisions about the marriage and whether or not remaining with him is the right or advisable thing to do. Forget about that for now. Focus on you and let him focus on him. Don't let HIS anxiety suck you into having to make life decisions NOW. You take care of you and maybe have a bit of fun? You might want to check out AlAnon.