Online flirting:Am I nuts or is it harmless?

[invincible summer]

I was looking for a document I saved and couldn't find it found a folder titled letters It contained several lengthy emails between him and an old friend from highschool. The content was also standard (about literature,God, religion, and marraige(mostly hers))but I didn't like the fact that they were so lengthy plus I don't like the fact that they actually know eachother.The most romantic thing was this "Have you ever played in the warm summer rain?" It was weird? I told him I didn't like this and how would he or her feel if me and her husband were corresponding like this? He said now the only mail he gets from her is sent to all her friends as well. Then-

 

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found a gals name on my H's contact list and looked at a conversation they had, it was pretty normal chit chat but he ended it with "groovy...see ya baby" when I saw that my heart took a pounding. This girls name has been on list for at least 1 1/2 years. When I confronted him I first asked if he thought flirting on msn was ok for us and he said no then when i showed him what upset me he told me I was being ridiculus because she is just a teenager and has a boyfriend...and he was just talking like Austin Powers. Question : Am I being nuts over nothing or is he wrong?

 

I guess for me I could never say baby to anyone but him -even in jest.

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[caramelbrownchick]

I don't think its really healthy for him to be chatting with females online, teenagers in high school, um just can't be a good thing, I think you have a right to be concerned, now since you have read his conversations and they really arn't about too much I mean I don't think he is like having a fling with one of these women, but its just not healthy for your relationship.

[invincible summer]

Thanks . I just know he's very charismatic and people love him everywhere he goes and I know it but I get war. He's had many women(or girls) hit hard on him,even outright 'who cares if your married lets have sex.".kind of advances. I can't bear the thought of him having any affections for anyone else.

[tiki]

He needs to use a little self control. I wouldn't put up with it!

[caramelbrownchick]

Yeah, I dont think anyone wants their other half sleeping with someone else, and women now and days really dont care ya know they see a hot guy and they just wanna be with him so its best he stops this online chatting with women thing. If you ever need me to test him or something to pull the old hey lets meet up thing, your wife will never know, just tell me I will be happy to help another woman out

[tiki]

Damn....that's a good idea!

[invincible summer]

Thanks, I'll think about it. That could really piss him off though if he found out it was a trick. I'll check in later. Bye.

[CurvyGurl]

I don't really see the big deal. Men can have friends. Are you mad cause these are women he's talking to about religion and war and such?

[d'Arthez]

Men differ in the flirting department. Some men flirt with every woman, a lot of men flirt with a quite a few woman, and there are men who flirt only with their love interest or SO.

The same is true for women. How controlled are your own movements in the streets OP? Because women tend to flirt more with body language, and men with words.

 

Sometimes it is just plainly tiring, to refer to a person, constantly with her name, and "baby" is not much ... it is not "sweetest buttercup", or something similar sappy.

 

Why can't you bear with the thought that he might have affections for someone else? That reeks of insecurity, and I don't think this can be healthy for the relationship, for whatever reason the insecurity does exist.

[invincible summer]

This is a guys opinion on it:

When Fishing Always Be Prepared To Land Anything

And You Won't Be Dismayed

I'm Not Quite Sure Why Many Women

Sincerly Believe That Flirting Is Acceptable Behaviour

When They're Engaging It

Though Abherent And Solicitous From Their Male Counterparts

[invincible summer]

Curvy Girl let me guess : you're a flirt? People who don't mind it usually are the ones doing it. There are a lot of us who don't and we do mind it. And I use to a lot and it was because I needed it to reaffirm something in me. I believe its not honorable behavior.

[caramelbrownchick]

I agree with invincible, def what her husband is doing is not right and curvy go ahead and let your husband have little online friends,(if you don't have one when you get one), when you end up getting played thats on you for not stopping it before it went to far.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by invincible summer

Curvy Girl let me guess : you're a flirt? People who don't mind it usually are the ones doing it. There are a lot of us who don't and we do mind it. And I use to a lot and it was because I needed it to reaffirm something in me. I believe its not honorable behavior.

 

But why are you reacting in this way, if you do engage in similar behavior a lot? And mind you double standards are bad, and in my eyes (I have a short 23th chromosome), nothing much had been going on.

 

If "baby", is too much, I hope you are not wearing any revealing clothes, and short skirts, because your husband might have the same paranoia about your behavior, and your flirting.

[invincible summer]

Boy you are messing with the wrong girl here. I do not flirt (EVER) I said I used to(past relationships). I am in love with my husband and cannot flirt anymore.I think flirt is advetizing that you're available and if you have no intention to Do Something then you are a tease and why would you do that to someone else or put yourself in a possible situation?

As far as the clothing issue goes its pretty much the same. I do not dress the same as when I was "looking". I only dress for my husband, when with him and because he likes me to.

[invincible summer]

This is PAST TENSE: And I used to a lot and it was because I needed it to reaffirm something in me. I believe its not honorable behavior.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by invincible summer

And I use to a lot and it was because I needed it to reaffirm something in me. I believe its not honorable behavior.

 

If I am blind, say so, but you wrote use to, not used to, hence the confusion; it allowed for the sentence to be read in two ways, and I read it in the wrong way apparently.

[invincible summer]

Bottom line for me:I'm not freaked out by it anymore I just don't appreciate it. A friend said to me

"he probably does not realize how meaningful the pet-name "baby" is to you. Let him know that it's special to you."

The long saved letters bug me more then the baby comment at this point. I adore my hubsand but I think it is unwise and puts you in temptation or sends out a message to the other party.

[invincible summer]

Well I'm not the best typist, sorry.

[invincible summer]

BTW I asked him if he would mind if I called a guy baby online and he said yes, before I told him I saw that. I also asked if it was ok for me to be writing letters to a guy about me and listened to him about his life etc... and he said it was not okay. Then I told him I found all his letters.

[invincible summer]

Funny he didn't think he was doing anything wrong but when I asked if I could he didn't like it. you think that says something?

[d'Arthez]

Don't mind the typo, it caused some confusion but that has been resolved now.

 

That is certainly telling invinciblesummer. Possibly it could point to a dreaded double standard.

 

But as long as he is not writing to her the long letters anymore, there is nothing much to worry about; some people like to keep these memento's from friendships and past relationships. That could have been something personal, which does not mean much to him.

For instance, someone might prefer to store chatting sessions, not to read them, time and again, but just to have them. It can actually prove where you were at certain times, so it even has it's legal advantages.

 

But if he is still writing long letters to her, whilst he does not want you to engage in similar behavior, you have to sit down with him and talk with him about this issue, and find a viable compromise for the two of you.

 

The same with the "baby", it might not mean as much to him, as it does to you. I personally would hate to call a woman that way. Doesn't he have a "sweetheart", or something similar which he uses only for you?

 

Why can't you bear that he has affections for other people than you? He is getting hit on, but he does not act upon it. Look at it as a statement of commitment to you.

[invincible summer]

RE: Why can't you bear that he has affections for other people than you?

Because I love him with everything I've got and I guess I don't have affections for ANY other (male) except our son. Does that make me weird?

[invincible summer]

just checking to see if avatar works

[CurlyIam]

You have tokick his arse, my friend.

 

My ex has just ruined my relationship because of it. He was always flirty... guess what, he wasn't flirty just on line.

 

IT's an attitude. Can you be a b*tch at work and a sweety pie at home? Dominating in bed and a little mouse at work? didn't think so.

 

Sorry to break it to you, this is TROUBLE, because you're married. And I mean trouble spelled out in capital letters.

 

Take care and ... think about how he behaves with other women when you're around. What about when you're not around?

 

 

 

I can describe you in detail how it didn't work for me for the very same reason. But we weren't married and now I can confirm you that he's bitting his fingers for being such a fool and losing me for such cheap thrills.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by invincible summer

RE: Why can't you bear that he has affections for other people than you?

Because I love him with everything I've got and I guess I don't have affections for ANY other (male) except our son. Does that make me weird?

 

It does not make you weird, but a lot of people have affections for friends, and other family members, regardless of their sex. It might be a reflection of your disbelief in male-female friendships, something which your husband does not seem to share. If that is true, his comments definitely suggest a double standard. Don't submit to that, but discuss matters.

 

But if your husband is a highly charismatic man, he will attract a lot of men and women towards him, even when he is making little effort to do so. There is little he can do about that, unless you would force him to become uncharismatic. You probably would not like that, and he would resent you for forcing him to change himself for you.

It would mean that you would be forced to have faith in him, that he will not cheat on you.