Online flirting:Am I nuts or is it harmless?

[tiki]

My husband says "Try me".

[Owl]

Tell you what....take a look at my story, and you all tell ME if you think that online flirting is harmless??

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

[d'Arthez]

Owl: some people kill, but that does not mean that human interaction in general is violent.

[Owl]

Totally agreed D'Arthez. But...killing and infidelity are nothing alike. Obviously, infidelity is FAR more common (and according to our media, far more acceptable) than homicide. And if you took a look at how HUGELY the rise in infidelity has occurred due to online interaction, you'd see my point. My wife's case isn't uncommon at all...as a matter of fact, for the people who do online gaming and such, it's VERY common. There is another poster on the infidelity board with a situation almost EXACTLY like mine...and as I told him, I myself personally know of at LEAST 7 other couples going through something VERY much like this.

 

Matter of fact, take a stroll over to marriagebuilders.com and look at how many people THERE have had affairs that started like this.

 

Yes, flirting online is DANGEROUS to your relationships, and your marriage. It's more seductive than doing in person a lot of times, because of the fantasy element that gets wrapped into it as well. It's VERY easy to hide your faults when you're communicating with someone online....and that works both ways.

 

Bluntly, either have him end the BS once and for all, and install monitoring software so that BOTH of you can keep an eye on what's going online, or pull the plug on your computer. If it's gotten to the point where he's lying about it and hiding it, it's gone too far. Read my story...trust me!

[d'Arthez]

I have read your posts, and I know online flirting can go wrong completely. So can flirting in real life. The hurt is not different.

 

In real life invincible summer's husband does not respond at all to the outrageous advances that have been made upon him. But in this case, there does not seem too much going on. And invincible summer has asked her husband to give up on his female friends, just as she was requested to give up her male friends when she married him.

He agreed to that part of the bargain.

 

If her husband would find out about the monitoring software, he will feel distrusted. He will find other ways to interact with women if he wants to. If he does not want to, the software is useless.

 

Flirting CAN be dangerous, but is NOT NECESSARILY dangerous.

[Owl]

Guess we'll have to "agree to disagree", D'Arthez.

 

To me at least, flirting is never harmless. It's always risky, because you're giving signals to others that you're willing to do more than you really are. And you never know when you yourself may be tempted. IMO...if you're gonna flirt, and you're married, flirt with your spouse. If your ego is weak enough that you HAVE to get that attention from outside of your marriage, then you really aren't ready for marriage. If you 'can't change' and stop flirting, then you need to seriously talk that over with your spouse, and either prepare them to deal with it, or end the marriage.

 

Again, just my opinion. Good luck all.

[invincible summer]

Thanks -you validate my feelings on this though I still hope its nothing.

I 'm going to read your story.

[liswil]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Men differ in the flirting department. Some men flirt with every woman, a lot of men flirt with a quite a few woman, and there are men who flirt only with their love interest or SO.

I disagree. Most of the men I know who are involved with someone do not flirt with other women. Of the ones who do, most are looking to fool around if they can.

[liswil]

Originally posted by invincible summer __________________

Then I found a gals name on my H's contact list and looked at a conversation they had, it was pretty normal chit chat but he ended it with "groovy...see ya baby" when I saw that my heart took a pounding. This girls name has been on list for at least 1 1/2 years. When I confronted him I first asked if he thought flirting on msn was ok for us and he said no then when i showed him what upset me he told me I was being ridiculus because she is just a teenager and has a boyfriend...and he was just talking like Austin Powers. Question : Am I being nuts over nothing or is he wrong?

 

I guess for me I could never say baby to anyone but him -even in jest.

__________________

 

I see a lot of problems on the horizon here. First of all, you don't trust him. That's the major one.

 

Second, you're insecure and he's very charismatic. Bad combination there. What will happen is your insecurity will make the other women look good to him. His attention to them will increase your insecurity and that's how the whole things snowballs. I've been there.

 

The key is whether or not he's giving you reassurance and whether or not he quits doing the things online that bother you. If he doesn't, I would run.

 

The thing you need to do (and this can take awhile) is to work on your self-esteem and don't base it on anyone else.

[RecordProducer]

Invincible Summer, I don't think there's anything to worry about here. I am madly in love with my boyfriend. Yet I exchnage long emails with male friends who I have absolutely no romantic or sexual interest in whatsoever.

You are not threatened by this woman. In theory, you could be in love with your gynecologist or have a lot in common with your co-worker. Imagine if your husband sneaked around reading your emails and accusing you for writing and talking to male friends. You would feel stuck and you'd consider his behavior outrageous.

It's not fair to not let him have email friends, especially because you know it's totally non-sexual and platonic. The fact that they are writing about life and art doesn't mean he has any feelings for her.

We attempt to diversify our lives by having love, career, hobbies, friends, etc.

Long emails with friends are really harmless. Even if one ends up cheating that arose from the emails, it's still not because exchanging emails is dangerous by itself.

Your husband could be attracted to the girl that sells gasoline; it doesn't mean he shouldn't drive a car.

He's innocent, and you're worried over nothing. Relax!

By the way, is this high-school friend drop dead gorgeous and sexy? In that case...hm...

[RecordProducer]

Sorry, I didn't read all your posts and now I have second thoughts. I first thought that it's his friend from high-school as they were both in high-school at the same time. If you think he is attracted to a school girl, it might be dangerous. If he is into young girls it's called pedophilia. Many men like girls who go to junior high or high-school. They are sick and pervert. But maybe that's not the case with your husband. How old is he?

[Owl]

I have to admit that I too must have skimmed over the initial thread, and thought the same thing that RP did...that this was an old high school friend.

 

Now that I understand that it's a high school GIRL, that just doubles and quadruples my thoughts on the subject....YES, THIS FLIRTING IS WRONG!

 

Not only because of the whole 'flirting while married' feeling that I've already worn this thread out with....but heck, it sounds to me like he might be talking to an FBI agent on the other end!! ROFL!

 

Of course flirting with a HS age girl is wrong...that's not rocket science. You need to confront him, and put an end to it! At the VERY least, tell him that you won't condone that kind of behavior in your home, and that you're going to take actions to ensure that it does end. PERIOD!

[invincible summer]

One IS a high schooler and one IS someone he knew from highschool. And he did meet with the friend from highschool at least once(supposed to be a reunion but only him and her showed up). Of course this is fall of 2003- and I have to let it go as the past. Because there is no evidence of anything else going on at all. Just update letters on her life which appear now to be group mailings. And I'm not reading them or snooping anymore. I can look past it -We weren't doing well in 2003 but we are doing much better now. I think I'm just very insecure.

[invincible summer]

The high schooler is just a gamer friend(he called baby). Sorry about the confusion.

[RecordProducer]

Invincible, every smart woman is insecure. People wave with the argument of insecurity as if it's something so wrong. Should we be 100% sure that our relationship will last forever? I feel very secure when everything is nice. But I can't feel secure when I smell trouble.

So what about this teenager? He probably said she was just a friend. Why not male friends if they are just friends?

But remember that whatever he does, you can't stop him unless he's very much in love with you. You can only make him hide and lie to you.

Are you sure he's not into schoolgirls?

[liswil]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Invincible, every smart woman is insecure. People wave with the argument of insecurity as if it's something so wrong. Should we be 100% sure that our relationship will last forever? I feel very secure when everything is nice. But I can't feel secure when I smell trouble.

That's very well said. It turns out that we often have good reason to be insecure. It'd be really stupid of people to be walking around thinking everything is fine when there's something going on and feel like a fool later.

[invincible summer]

Thanks guys for the advice- I'm ok working on me and trusting him. And my eyes and ears are still very open as well! Record producer: That is a beautiful picture of you! Your stunning!