Online flirting:Am I nuts or is it harmless?

[invincible summer]

Hmmm. two very opposing views here... guys how did you get your avatarts to work? I did everything it said to do.

[CurvyGurl]

Originally posted by invincible summer

Curvy Girl let me guess : you're a flirt? People who don't mind it usually are the ones doing it. There are a lot of us who don't and we do mind it. And I use to a lot and it was because I needed it to reaffirm something in me. I believe its not honorable behavior.

 

 

Quite the opposite. And if he was doing some heavy talking and really acting flirty I'd have a problem. From what I read, he doesn't seem to be flrting. Frienldy, yes. Conversational, yes. Doesn't seem flirty to me. I've seen flirty and this isn't it. Could it lead to flirty? Yup, it could.

 

I do know that women who cling to men and insist they can't talk to or have friends with other women end up losing those men. I just want to see that you've put this into perspective. He had a long written convo with a high school chum and a chat online with a younger girl. I don't see too much to go on, really. He could curb his behavior a bit, and if it really really bugs you he should consider knocking it off. But the more you try to press him into a box the more trapped he will feel.

 

I would converse about appropriate conversation with other women-- but if you're planning to cut him off completely, well... good luck with that. Men like that about as much as women like to be told who they can and can't talk to.

 

For that matter, why are you rifling through his things and reading his personal correspondence? Do you believe this is honorable behavior? Do you think it's honorable behavior to post his transgressions online and ask general people on the internet what they think?

 

If you had a friend who was a member of the opposite sex that you'd known for a long time, would you not have deeply personal conversations with them? Do you not use terms of endearment with male friends, guys you work with?

[CurlyIam]

Search on the forum called "Question and answers"; there are a couple of threads filled with tips for ya !

 

Well, since in my case, the very same thing trashed my relationship, I think you'd want to hear the con's before hearing the pro's if you know what I mean.

 

Plus, d'Arthez is a MAN!!!! of course he's not impartial, loooooll!! (I'm just mean tonight!)

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Plus, d'Arthez is a MAN!!!! of course he's not impartial, loooooll!! (I'm just mean tonight!)

 

I realize that, Ms. CurlyIam. But your advice also comes from a somewhat biased outlook. I am sorry for that happening to you.

 

I know I have a defective 23rd chromosome. But nonetheless I ya (is that inappropriate on this thread:confused: ).

[CurlyIam]

Nope, i am not biased by it. I like to think I have a better view because of it. (BTW, d'Arthez, love ya too, babe!!)

[invincible summer]

For that matter, why are you rifling through his things and reading his personal correspondence?

-Didn't you read how it Accidentally came up when I was looking for a doc. I saved (months of letters)I wasn't looking for it.

 

Do you believe this is honorable behavior? Do you think it's honorable behavior to post his transgressions online and ask general people on the internet what they think?

-Better anonomously online than to people who know us.

 

If you had a friend who was a member of the opposite sex that you'd known for a long time, would you not have deeply personal conversations with them?

No. I had and when we got married he asked me to end all communications with them and they were platonic relations.I honored him and never looked back.

Do you not use terms of endearment with male friends, guys you work with?

NEVER -EVER. I would feel totally like a tease if I did.

[invincible summer]

Curvy-You know it seems really hard for you to believe that some people have higher standards of conduct than you do. Does it make you uncomfortable. Are you married? You said your not a flirt -funny even your user name itself seems to suggest different.

Anyway I know hes looked through my messeges before.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by invincible summer

If you had a friend who was a member of the opposite sex that you'd known for a long time, would you not have deeply personal conversations with them?

No. I had and when we got married he asked me to end all communications with them and they were platonic relations.I honored him and never looked back.

 

And here lies the problem. You gave up your male platonic friends, and likewise you may expect him to hold to his part of the bargain, and that would mean he has to give up on female friends and flirting with them. Explain to him that you only expect him to behave the same way, as he requested from you.

 

You did honor him, although an argument could have been made of keeping the male platonic friends. After all, you live your life, and have a certain say in what you do want to do and what you don't want to do. You chose to give up your friendships, which made you dependant for a lot of things on your female friends and on him.

[invincible summer]

Thanks d'Arthez for paying attention and giving me some hope and some good common sense advise and not attacking me because I happen to be insecure.

[CurlyIam]

Well, summer, some of the posters might get a bit more rough... You did get an opinion though.

 

I still think you should kick your hubby's arse!

[CurvyGurl]

Originally posted by invincible summer

Curvy-You know it seems really hard for you to believe that some people have higher standards of conduct than you do. Does it make you uncomfortable. Are you married? You said your not a flirt -funny even your user name itself seems to suggest different.

Anyway I know hes looked through my messeges before.

 

Don't attack me because you're insecure. My name is CURVYGurl because I am CURVY. It's an attempt to be positive about my larger than size 4 shape, thank you very much. Whether or not I flirt is of no concern to you. You don't know me, don't know anything about me. I'll thank you to keep your observations to yourself.

 

The issue here is not me, it's you. You came to a BB and asked if you were overreacting. I say YES. So sue me for having an opinion.

 

In addition I was not attacking you. I stated I didn't see a problem. You responded as if I was INSANE because I don't happen to agree with you. Again, don't start in on me because I don't agree with you. You asked for an opinion and then pounced on me for having one.

 

From what I read, there was nothing to overly react to. There is basis for conversation, but were I a man (and eve as a woman) I wouldn't drop friends for anyone. No man can tell me who I can and can't talk to, and no woman can tell a man who he can and can't talk to. It's up to your DH to see it your way.

 

And, accidentally or not, it's still his personal correspondence. You continued reading it, knowing full well they were private and personal letters. No amount of indignation will clear you of this. Just beacuse he is your husband doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a certain amount of privacy.

 

I gave my opinion, and responded to your pointed remarks regarding it.

 

Good luck to you.

[invincible summer]

I guess I did make the first stab; at the time I was trying to make a point. For this I apologize:"Curvy Girl let me guess : you're a flirt? People who don't mind it usually are the ones doing it. There are a lot of us who don't and we do mind it"

However you did stab back pretty good:

"For that matter, why are you rifling through his things and reading his personal correspondence? Do you believe this is honorable behavior? Do you think it's honorable behavior to post his transgressions online and ask general people on the internet what they think? " It sure felt like an attack.

 

And just fyi I didn't even read a 1/4 of what I found because it upset me too much, I was sick to my stomach and couldn't keep reading.

 

"And, accidentally or not, it's still his personal correspondence. You continued reading it, knowing full well they were private and personal letters. No amount of indignation will clear you of this"

Hes read my messages before- I know this for whatever reason.

[invincible summer]

You honestly wouldn't care if your husband had saved like 20 some pages of personal letters from an ex girlfriend while married? Things change when you marry or at least I think that most of us think there supposed to. I was never a jealous girlfriend with others actually like I said I was a flirt before; but maybe I never loved like I do him. I respect that if you don't mind if your husband has this kind of thing going on or whatnot but I think you're either exceptional or possibly never been in this situation.And I don't mean this as an attack -for real.

[invincible summer]

Originally Posted by DANO

If you are married, you are married. You don't keep any company with the opposite sex, one on one. Period.

 

 

 

Damn straight. All of this "modern thinking" we do is eroding our basic values (not to mention our common sense).

[CurlyIam]

I totally agree with you. IT's a difference between hanging out with male and female friends in a group and developping a closer, more personal relationship with only one person of the oposite sex, WHEN in a RELATIONSHIP.

 

I can't know about marriage, because I've never been married.

 

Things tend to lead from one to another... Let's s'ppose this "female friend" were butt ugly. Would he still have kept corresponding with her? Why not?

 

French people have this saying: "les filles qui rient, les filles au lit" (once you've got a girl laughing, it's easier to get them in bed). They should know something, isn't it?

 

 

Really, married men don't keep email written by teenagers and NOT TELL THEIR WIFE... it's disrespectful. Why didn't he tell you anything if it was something harmless?

 

 

I just don't like it. Not one bit!

[d'Arthez]

French people have this saying: "les filles qui rient, les filles au lit" (once you've got a girl laughing, it's easier to get them in bed). They should know something, isn't it?

 

Some men have the intention to bed a girl. Others don't. I may suffer from masciline retardness, but please don't put us all in one single category.

 

CurlyIam, I have been "involved" in situations in which I spent a lot of time with attached girls, on a solo basis. A lot of time. One stands out.

Was there an attraction? Not in the slightest. Was she butt ugly? Hardly the case, as she had had offers to become a model. I simply was not interested in her, and avoided all kinds of physical contact, and did not flirt with her.

 

Really, married men don't keep email written by teenagers and NOT TELL THEIR WIFE... it's disrespectful. Why didn't he tell you anything if it was something harmless?

 

Because he did not think it was important perhaps?

 

But regardless of all that, if invincible summer and her husband believe in the views

If you are married, you are married. You don't keep any company with the opposite sex, one on one. Period.

that view holds not only for her, but also for her husband. And it is time then for her husband to act upon his beliefs.

[CurvyGurl]

It's not something I would feel threatened by, no. Because if I can't trust him among his female friends I can't trust him with strangers either and that just isn't a happy existence, continually wondering if he's cheating on me.

 

Did your DH ASK you to drop your platonic friends of the opposite sex and now he's sneaking convos with his friends of the opposite sex and so now you feel this is unfair? I am honestly asking because I just really don't see the issue, unless it is that you don't want him to have female friends.

 

 

 

 

Certainly Confused,

 

Curvy

[CurlyIam]

I have no idea how marriage works, none the less about summer's. All I know is that 21 pages KEPT on a file are not "insignificant". Maybe I am overreacting.

 

D'Arthez, not all men are like you, just like not all men are like my ex. But some men would get a girl in the sack if they could. Not because she were pretty or intelligent, simply because they can. Others would do it becuse it tickles their ego.

 

I have NEVER met a man who was interested in me simply because of my conversation. And I hope that's not because of my choice of subject, LOL!!!! Personal experience? Definately.

 

Bad personal experience. I would very much like for my and my future husband to be off this issue. Not that I think that opposite sex friendships aren't possible... it's all in the dynamic of the relationship, I guess.

 

For instance with my ex ex, he could have chatted online naked with 10 girls, I would have never ever worried. That's the type of guy he was from this pov.

 

 

 

I mean, deep down, 21 pages, chatting online, the way he says "bye" are just justification. IF she feels threaterned she feels threaterned. I think girls don't have instincts for nothing. And as a married woman, I think she has the right to express her feeling uncomfortable about this little issue with this girl.

[TylerC]

Originally posted by caramelbrownchick

Yeah, I dont think anyone wants their other half sleeping with someone else, and women now and days really dont care ya know they see a hot guy and they just wanna be with him so its best he stops this online chatting with women thing. If you ever need me to test him or something to pull the old hey lets meet up thing, your wife will never know, just tell me I will be happy to help another woman out

 

That is called entrapment, and as a guy I can tell you that he will be extremely pissed at you if you pull this and he finds out.

 

I'd recommend against it.

 

Put a logger on your computer for both of you, and allow him to access your emails and you his. For those who have nothing to hide, this shouldn't be an issue.

[invincible summer]

Curvy- that's definately part of it -"whats good for the goose is good for the gander" But honesty I probably wouldn't like it anyway for the same reasons he doesn't want me to I would think

 

Curly- Thanks glad you understand my situation

 

Tyler- I get your point and probably would never do that but, then again if he was willing to cheat why would I care about my ethics in finding out? I would rather be tested and have my spouse know that I'm golden rather than him being wary of me. It wouldn't bug me in the least because I wouldn'd ever be found guilty. I have a aquaintance that has been cheating on her husband for 13 years and he has no clue . And one of their kids is not his-he still is clueless.I would never tell him because its not my place and all , but my point is if this kind of thing was bound to happen wouldn't most people rather know early on? If I'm dense here help me out but if someone is faithful wouldn't a test like that be something to give him a one up on? an avantage?

[invincible summer]

Wait- If he past the test he wouldn't have to find out.

[d'Arthez]

If you are going to test him, and he passes the test, and he knows it is a test, he might feel the trust has gone. He will be wary of your "testing" behavior.

 

If your partner has doubts on you, a test would not clear you. You would only be proven innocent until caught. The human mind is not completely straightforward.

 

If he has the intention to cheat, anything that shows your suspicion will make him more careful in his ways, so as to avoid losing his cover.

 

Concerning your friend and her husband, it is hard to decide what would be best. You could have made an argument for telling him and not telling him. But it is also a rotten situation for the child who believes that his / her daddy is his / her father.

If he had known beforehand that his wife cheated on him, extensively he might have never married her, or divorced her. If he finds out now, he might still do that. But if he is to find out nowadays, it will have a major impact on him.

 

Either way, he is in a messed up situation. I don't know how old the child is, but if that child becames a parent himself / herself, the grand child may betray the parentage of "son" or "daughter." And that is lousy for the new grandfather.

[invincible summer]

d'Arthez-Good point. I most likely would never do that(test). Honestly at this point I'm ok, and I believe him when he says he will honor me in what I have asked of him. As far as the friend, she is no longer someone I hang out with because I can't get past her living a lie..etc..and she gives horrible advice besides.

"He will be wary of your "testing" behavior." Does this mean the more distrustful I seem of him the more he'll think I'm untrustworthy?

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by invincible summer

"He will be wary of your "testing" behavior." Does this mean the more distrustful I seem of him the more he'll think I'm untrustworthy?

 

Not that he will think that you are untrustworthy, but he will be thinking you have a problem trusting him.

Which will lead to a change in his behavior. For example he might avoid telling you things that would get you upset, because you would start to dig deeper. He will think you would assume something is going on, when he says something like: "We have a new secretary at the office", while he would have told you that as a factual statement and nothing more.

 

Also it is possible that he would make counter-accusations against you, and start checking up on you, even if nothing is going on in your life and with your behavior. And without mutual trust between husband and wife, a marriage becomes so much harder, and less pleasant. In general if you can avoid "tests" in your relationships you better avoid them, unless you really suspect something massive is going on.

If you believe nothing is going on, avoid the tests.

[FolderWife]

Well, I flirt with guys online a LOT. I've never met them though....and I don't tell my husband about it, because I don't want to know about his flirtings.

 

So I can't say that what he's doing is horrible, because I'm as black as the kettle.

 

HOWEVER, it is NEVER ok to lie to your spouse about anything....not that I never lie