Why cant i stick with my decision?

[wobbles]

How can I spend three years coming to the conclusion I have to leave the wife, but then having done it be feeling so uncertain?

I moved out two months ago but I cannot quite bring myself to tell her it is entirely over and seem to be stringing her along unintentionally.

Or am I stringing her along?!

I simply don't know. When i am apart form her and being kept busy with work etc, its not a concern so much. intact I am relieved to have made the split and feeling positive. When i am alone and have time to dwell though, my mind turns to the affect on my children and I very often find myself thinking i must have another go at the marriage for the sake of their future. even though I know that we are a poor match and we have struggled to find a connection.

I don't love my wife. that is clear enough.

I do love my children though and I alway thought I would do anything to ensure their wellbeing - I am struggling right now though to reconcile the two - why can't I find it in myself to try again with the wife for the kids benefit?

why also do I flip from being positive about my future without her to this feeling that I simply must go back to her...?

I don't know what I am thinking right now.

help please..? anyone..?

[DaisyLA]

Letting go of what's familiar is really, really hard. Even when what's familiar isn't good for us. I know that feeling all too well.

 

I don't have children. But I grew up in a home with parents who should have divorced. You aren't doing your children any favors by sticking it out just for their sake. I had that modeled for me, and it's kinda done a number on me and my siblings. My sister is staying in a physically & emotionally abusive marriage. I've made myself codependent and responsible for my depressed/alcoholic husband. I can't say we wouldn't have made the same decisions had our parents split, but I don't think their staying together while miserable helped.

 

Everybody I know on the "other side" of divorce say they wish they'd had the courage to do it sooner.

[Justanaverageguy]

Letting go of what's familiar is really, really hard. Even when what's familiar isn't good for us. I know that feeling all too well.

 

Agreed with DaisyLA. I use this metaphor a lot for people going through a break up - its like breaking an addiction. People in long term relationships have spent so much time with each other, done so many things and experienced so many things as a couple that over time they have developed an addiction to that person. Quite literally on a biological level it is actually a chemical addiction - your body releases chemicals in your brain which create that warm comforting attachment feeling we have when together with a partner. When you break up with your partner your brain goes into withdrawals for that chemical.

 

Just like a smoker who is quitting has cravings to light up a cigarette - you will get cravings for that feeling you have when together with them. You reminisce about old times, want to see them, call them, sleep in your old bed together. This is normal and expected when going through a break up. Its essentially your body slowly weening yourself off the attachment you have built to that person over many years and it is difficult. When tossing and turning over what to do I think it comes down to this. Was your relationship a healthy one ? Did it bring you happiness and fulfillment - or was it a toxic one - like a cigarette - did it bring your pain and unhappiness ?

 

If its the later then you are doing the right thing by giving it up. The cravings will reduce over time the longer you are apart and eventually you will be able to move on. My personal opinion is it is better for Children to be raised by 2 separated parents who are happy and emotionally healthy - then two unhappy ones who stay together for no other reason then the fact they have kids. As long as you manage the breakup properly and in a dignified way the children will be ok.

[GraceLess]

I totally feel you wobbles, I spent a lot of time on whether just to stick it out for my kid because that's supposed to be better for them. I know plenty of people who have or are doing just that and Google will tell you all about studies and such...make of that what you will.

 

Here's what I know from experience. My parents were miserable for most of my childhood (I used to wish they would divorce). Yelling behind closed doors, constantly sniping at each other in public, being generally full of contempt and victimhood. When I got married and things weren't perfect, what tools did I have to express myself? You guessed it, the ones I learned from my parents. It took a lot of work to get to a more constructive place and still shapes how I deal with things in some areas.

 

Our marriage teaches our children their first and longest lasting lessons about what a marriage is. I would never want the kind of marriage that I've had for my son or for him to treat his wife in ways that I put up with and I'm doing my best to set a better example for him.

 

Staying together is not necessarily the benchmark of a healthy or happy marriage. Show your kids what a happy and healthy relationship looks like. Whether that's with their mom, with someone else, or on your own.

[tobrieornottobrie]

It sounds like you're facing a really difficult time, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you considered maybe going through some sort of counseling or therapy to deal with some of the emotion of the situation? Maybe having a professional to talk to would be helpful. Best of luck to you, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[Elliotte]

I agree with couple's counseling, although it sounds like you've already made up your mind about her. I know the feeling of "trying for the kids' sake", I did it with my son's mother for a long time and I can tell you that motivational momentum won't last long. Raising kids in separated households is VERY tough, no doubt about it, but raising them while maintaining an unhappy, unhealthy marriage also has some dire long term emotional repercussions for you, your wife and your kids.

 

In every failing relationship I've had, I have had those back and forth feelings, it is a tough decision and living with it will be tough, leading to a lot of second-guessing yourself. Unfortunately there is no middle ground between being with someone and not, whether you go for couple's counseling or not, get some for yourself, look up good books on it, and seek help with others to help learning to cope with it, for your own sake.

 

Good luck man.

[wobbles]

everyone -thankyou so much for your support.

Tobrieornottobrie / Elliotte - We did go to marriage counselling for three months and it was helpful in that a lot was spoken about and acknowledged that had never been given any attention previously. However, it came too late I feel. By the time we started counselling I had already 'checked out' as callous as it seems and I found it very difficult to let her back in to my heart after years of neglect and nothingness.

The problem we had was that we NEVER spoke about our feelings, we took each other for granted and failed to value or nurture what we once had. We are very different people and time and circumstances had cause us to become even more different. I just feel that our time was done and there was nothing that could be done to save 'us',.

However since leaving her, the news has gotten out amongst our friends - most are surprised and I think many are disappointed in my actions that I did not fight harder. In truth they don't know what went on behind closed doors but the comments I hear really do not help me in my desire to stick by my decision. I shouldn't care what other people think but people are swarming around the wife to support her (which I am happy to happen obviously) but I am on the whole being left to fend for myself. yes, I am the villain of the story, I left her - I made my bed and I must lie in it but this marriage was failling because of the inactions of two people.

so , cut to the chase - when I see friends or her even ( I have to see her because of the kids) I feel that I must try again. that I have to make more of an effort. This is especially true because xmas looms and its a particularly poignant time of the year. But when i escape back to my house or to the gym or to work, then I almost forget about the heartache and the upset Im causing to her / our close friends (altho not to my children. the distress I am causing them absolutely stays with me 24/7 and I struggle daily with this). So which is real? the feelings of remorse and obligation to try once more when i am around the wife /friends or the relief and sense of freedom and strength I get when I am alone? I suppose I have this fear that I am being cowardly and selfish by leaving the family home. Am I?!

[tobrieornottobrie]

What I'm hearing from you is that you still really care about everyone involved in the situation. I would really encourage you to consider continuing seeing a counselor even if it's only individually. I think having a professional to talk to will really be helpful for you during this difficult time and perhaps a counselor/therapist will be able to answer some of the questions that you have posed. Once again, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that it gets better for everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[BetrayedH]

Any infidelity on the part of either of you?

 

Any other irreparable dealbreakers?

 

If not, my tendency is to think that you should make another effort to live up to your marriage vows. Many times, it takes the kind of drama you have been thru before one or both partners wake up and realize that they were taking their marriage for granted. It's my personal view that if your wife is making a legitmate effort, you should be doing the same. But I'm kinda old-fashioned that way.

[whichwayisup]

However since leaving her, the news has gotten out amongst our friends - most are surprised and I think many are disappointed in my actions that I did not fight harder. In truth they don't know what went on behind closed doors but the comments I hear really do not help me in my desire to stick by my decision. I shouldn't care what other people think but people are swarming around the wife to support her (which I am happy to happen obviously) but I am on the whole being left to fend for myself. yes, I am the villain of the story, I left her - I made my bed and I must lie in it but this marriage was failling because of the inactions of two people.

 

Since your wife loves you and seems to be wanting to do anything to fix things, for the kids sake, do you truly believe your marriage is that broken that you two can't make it work? Give it your absolute best, both of you together? Was 3 months really long enough for counseling? Did you honestly 'try' to reconnect with your wife, communicate better, try your best to let her back into your heart? If you answered yes to all, and you feel it's over, then just divorce. get it over quickly and as painlessly as possible. Be fair to your wife when it comes to spousal and child support.

 

DO not slink back to your marriage to please others.

 

People react the way they want to, unfortunately because you were the one who left her and it wasn't a mutual decision to end the marriage you are gonna take the brunt of why your kids will now have two homes to live in and come from a divorced family unit.