I'm a bonehead-I think

[Bonehead820]

Hello all,

 

I'm new to the site and am an emotional wreck. My wife and I have been married a little over 3 years now with a 19 month old son. I won't ramble on about how much the little guy means to my wife and I but the kid is truly amazing. Anyways, the reason I'm posting is no surprise. My wife and I are headed for divorce. We were so happy together once, until our baby came and things fell apart (her side of the story). We've been bickering back and forth lately with increasingly escalating fights. The fights turn into verbal, emotional and physical abuse, on both sides. When I say physical, I mean she would get so mad, she would attack me with fists flying. She's a smaller woman so the attacks didn't hurt but it's the principle, right? I've always felt she was trying to push me to the point of no return by her attacks and she eventually did. For whatever reason, our last fight made me explode with anger. As we were driving down the road, I made her pull over, stop the car and physically threw her out. It didn't go any further but that was pretty bad. IM NOT DEFENDING WHAT I DID IN NO WAY. I'm describing the events that led up to this action. The second it happened, I regretted it more than anything I've done before. I fully acknowledge what I did and have remorse like you wouldn't believe. I called her parents before she did, told them everything and begged them for forgiveness. The situation is pretty bad. So, she's super mad at me, understandably, and I apologize and try to show her just how remorseful I am. The next day, she's talking to another guy she had met over the Thanksgiving holiday. She tells me she is now interested in him and that I threw away my rights as her husband when I threw her out of the car. I've asked her to not text him in front of me while we sort out our split but she refuses. They are in constant communication. She is using what happened as a weapon against me acting as if she is an angle that has done no wrong, ever. All she says is I'm an abuser, low down dirty etc...it hurts to hear but I sort of agree with her until I see her texting her new man. Her parents understand the situation and are being surprisingly supportive of me. I do plan on moving out but this thing is still in its infancy as far as progress and I can't stand watching her talk to this guy. What should I do? Any advice is welcome. I'm so lost and confused. I feel super low for my actions, so if anyone wants to dig there, go ahead. I probably deserve it. I want to handle this the best way for our son mainly but can't seem to focus when I'm around her. We're both in our 30's so we should know better, you would think. Help!

[GirlStillStrong]

First, are there alcohol or drugs involved in this story at all? If no, both of you are REALLY immature. What are you two going to do when the baby is a little bigger and pisses one of you off, attack HIM? Grow the F up. When a person will not shut up and is pissing you off, you get AWAY from them. You don't attack them, whether you are 85 pounds or 850. Are you the kind of people who go to WalMart and beat people in the parking lot, too?

 

You need a therapist. And so does your wife. And both of you need a marital counselor.

 

As for her texting this guy and telling you he has now replaced you, you need to develop a HEALTHY boundary and set it with her. A therapist can help you do this or you can google it and give it a try. Her parents cannot help you so it's best you leave them out of this. Either way, IMO you are going to need to call her bluff on this. One of you needs to grow up quick, for the baby's sake, and as it seems you are the one reaching out for help while she acts like she's in 8th grade trying to make you jealous and "pay" for what you did, it looks like you are going to have to step up to the plate here.

[amaysngrace]

You feel bad about what you did and she doesn't. That's the difference between you and her.

 

I doubt she'll change anytime soon and start accepting her own contributions to the failure of your marriage. She will only blame you and play the victim.

 

I wouldn't let her talking to someone new bother you too much. She's his problem now.

[todreaminblue]

you really do need counselling...intensive and long lasting past the inevitable decision whether to try and make it work or go......you need to go behind the issues causing the abuse.......every single one of them that hasnt obviously been dealt with at the time

 

any obstacle in a marriage can be overcome....any obstacle....if you do it together.....with understanding compassion honesty and respect for you and for her..........i guess except child molestation and murder......

 

 

 

obstacles might split you apart but they can be overcome if they are bought to light with a dealt with a mature and mutual agreement to do whats best in the interest of the child......when you say heading to divorce...obviously you knew it was coming......for quite awhile....seek counselling ....see if these obstacles are molehills made into mountains before you quit....on you....her.....and your family...if she doesnt want to do counselling or try to be mature and honest........you are going to fight the losing battle....be gracious in that fight and never.....use your fists to prove a point................deb

[Bonehead820]

Yes, alcohol and drugs are involved. I have zero tolerance for alcohol as in get sick from one drink so I don't use it. If that wasn't the case, I'm sure I'd be in jail by now due to me trying to numb what's going on. I don't use drugs due to the risk of losing my career. She uses both. I whole heartedly agree we need to grow up fast. Our son deserves way better! When things happen, I react instead of think. Everything becomes clear a few minutes later but by then, it's too late. Arguing with someone who insists they can do no wrong is extremely frustrating but no excuse for my reactions. I know I need to get away from her and the situation but don't want to leave my son. If I do leave, she'll use that as ammo for custody. I know courts wouldn't give that much credit but this woman is being extremely vengeful and manipulative. I've already had to take a surprise drug test because she called my job and told them I was using (it came back clean). I don't trust what she would do if I just left. I'm actively seeking counseling but that is not a solution for "right now". I guess I just need to vent and I appreciate the responses so far, they are helpful, one way or another. I get what her and I are doing is the exact opposite of what we should be doing but if we acted like we should, I probably wouldn't be posting to begin with. I wonder if Lifetime would be willing to make a movie using this material.

[Bonehead820]

obstacles might split you apart but they can be overcome if they are bought to light with a dealt with a mature and mutual agreement to do whats best in the interest of the child......when you say heading to divorce...obviously you knew it was coming......for quite awhile....seek counselling ....see if these obstacles are molehills made into mountains before you quit....on you....her.....and your family...if she doesnt want to do counselling or try to be mature and honest........you are going to fight the losing battle....be gracious in that fight and never.....use your fists to prove a point................deb

 

I agree. I never thought I could do what I did and regret it very much. I've never laid a hand on her before, or any other woman, and never will again. It's not right no matter how I might try to justify it in the heat of the moment. I screwed up, I can never take that back. What I'm struggling with is the label she now uses to describe me. I go back and forth as to whether or not she may be right and I just don't want to admit it

[Yasuandio]

When she gets out of hand, call the cops. Have it on tape upon their arrival. It iis often a concern about the laws regarding tape recording a coversation covertly between 2 people without the other's knowledge or consent. The fact is, this is illigal in 12 US states only. Check Government web-sites.

 

When it comes to false alligations of assaulted who, I recon the cops wont give a crap when they hear a tape, and can decern the proper party that needs to be arrested. In fact, they might really appreciate it, off the record, legal or not. Cops want to do the right thing, generally. Why not?

 

I realize it hasn't gotten to this point yet - but you are on your way, that is a NO BRAINER. Assault charge, or domestic voilence will really mess up your career, and you entire life. Time to get PROACTIVE.

 

She called your work about a drug accusation. Dude, that is totally so uncool. Better pick up that VAR, and get busy. As soon as her mounth opens, have that digital VAR running 24/7.

 

One false move, go into the bathroom, and call cops. Tell her you got the runs, whatever. Lock yourself in that bathroom until the cops arrive. Keep your mouth shut.

 

And pay a visit to local pricienct and explain situation also, so it will be on record. Sau nothing to her. Admit nothing you have done wrong. Describe her little bullying technique, and fist-fighting, call to your job, need to stay with your child, and all concerns to a domestic abuse detective. They will ask you to express this situation on a recorded record, I had to do this (for stalking), but they will assign you an advocate to assist. At least that was the system in Atlanta suburb, US. They advise me to get the video camera, etc. Once perpetrator knew of cameras, stalking ceased.

 

There is no reason why you cannot set up a video cam. Do it. Catch the little WWW on tape. But don't bring it on - just have the equipment in place if it happens again.

 

If your wife gets the "Velvet Shock and Awe" consequences, she may or may not change her tune. But you will have made good progress to protect your livlihood, and perhaps gain footing in custody case. FYI. Be smart, think ahead. This is a volatle sitution. People like her are unpredictable - and you are only human. Get a lock on that bathroom door. Yas

 

PS. Also, just let go of this relationship. It is bloody murder waiting to happen. Toxic. Somehow, you must be playing role -- you guys are just a bad mix. That's it. Apply some FAST common sense, or, it wont be Lifetime Network movie, more like the nightly news report.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this, it sounds like you have a lot going on. I definitely think as previous poster's have mentioned that counseling would be a good idea, whether it be marital or just individual. It seems as though the two of you are lacking the skills to properly and effectively communicate through the issues that you are having and I think that counseling could be a step in the right direction on getting help in this situation. I wish you the best of luck, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes, alcohol and drugs are involved.

How did I guess?

 

I have zero tolerance for alcohol as in get sick from one drink so I don't use it. If that wasn't the case, I'm sure I'd be in jail by now due to me trying to numb what's going on. I don't use drugs due to the risk of losing my career. She uses both. I whole heartedly agree we need to grow up fast. Our son deserves way better! When things happen, I react instead of think. Everything becomes clear a few minutes later but by then, it's too late. Arguing with someone who insists they can do no wrong is extremely frustrating but no excuse for my reactions. I know I need to get away from her and the situation but don't want to leave my son. If I do leave, she'll use that as ammo for custody. I know courts wouldn't give that much credit but this woman is being extremely vengeful and manipulative. I've already had to take a surprise drug test because she called my job and told them I was using (it came back clean). I don't trust what she would do if I just left. I'm actively seeking counseling but that is not a solution for "right now". I guess I just need to vent and I appreciate the responses so far, they are helpful, one way or another. I get what her and I are doing is the exact opposite of what we should be doing but if we acted like we should, I probably wouldn't be posting to begin with. I wonder if Lifetime would be willing to make a movie using this material.

If you want to find some sanity, you have a lot to learn about your wife's disease and how it is affecting you and the baby. You need a crash course in how to stop being triggered by her and stop reacting. If you don't, it is going to cause a lot more trouble than just your wife texting some guy. She sounds like a loose cannon. You need to start protecting yourself. Have you gone to AlAnon?