Women you can not handel FWB!

[TigerLilly78]

Im sad I just got done reading some stuff a very good friend sent me she needed my input I guess so she let me see some text between her and her FWB. Basically it was her trying to tell him she loved him and him giving her vague one or two word responses then cutting her off and going to bed before they could discuss it any further..

 

I tried to warn her months ago but she was stead fast "I wont allow myself to fall in love its just for fun" don't worry..well here we are and the train wreck is commencing..why do women do this? do we all really like pain this much now a days? and this guy seams to be a pro at this he use to be one of her teachers shes graduated now but yeah he knew exactly what to say and how to act to get into her pants.

 

And now she will lay down and do exaclty what ever he wants even with as bad as those messages were to an outsider she was trying to defend him. I guess this is a question and a rant thread..im just really not looking foward to the day we have the real melt down cause I know shes not going to handel it well..and I just want to ring his flipping neck for takeing advantage of some one like her!...ok rant over..*grumble grumble*

[Thegreatestthing]

Sexual liberation,slut shaming concepts,the new idea that women should have casual sex as men do,that we approach sex the same way men do even though it's painstakingly obvious that women get invested.

 

I have known friends who I am 99 percent sexually attracted to,1 percent romantically interested in and I still wouldn't go for a fwb,I know feelings are not static and would develop.

[Danda]

Because it's better than nothing. Most relationships are the same exact ****, except the guy pretends to actually care about you or even love you. At least with FWB there is never that feeling like you're an idiot and fell for some bull****. But you still get some sexual intimacy and usually some decent conversation and maybe a bit of cuddling or some shared laughs sometimes. Eventually the 'break up' happens but at least you never trusted them.

 

Might sound awful but it's an honest answer, so try to empathize with her point of view. She doesn't like pain and was hoping she could avoid at least some of it. Be her friend in the same way you would if this were a normal 'break up', that's all.

[maysj18]

Nearly all of my girlfriends have had FWB. Every single one developed intense feelings and ended up heartbroken. It's really nobody's fault, but it sucks that it happened. It seems women can be so hooked on someone that they will lie to themselves repeatedly just so they can keep him around in some way. :/

[SerCay]

Yep. I have to agree wit you all.

Happened to me recently: co-worker I was really attracted to physically approached me and after some flirting we ended up on a date but basically both wanted the same thing.

 

Weird thing is, I had no feelings AT ALL for this guy beforehand...but when we started flirting, something changed, I started thinking of him more and more and I didn't know why. Then after the date I couldn't deny that I was really starting to get invested.

 

I stopped myself and I decided never to see him again in my personal life. Then I stopped texting with him as well.

 

So even though I only liked him physically, feelings started to develop right after he started paying me attention. I think this is where us women have weaknesses. It may not be about the sex, maybe it's about the attention??

[TigerLilly78]

Eventually the 'break up' happens but at least you never trusted them.

 

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I dont think this melt down will have been "better then nothing" for her..and see thats were we trick ourselves she IS trusting this guy apparently more then shes ever trusted anyone else..I will always be her friend and be there for her but the situation just makes me shake my head..

[Danda]

Yep. I have to agree wit you all.

Happened to me recently: co-worker I was really attracted to physically approached me and after some flirting we ended up on a date but basically both wanted the same thing.

 

Weird thing is, I had no feelings AT ALL for this guy beforehand...but when we started flirting, something changed, I started thinking of him more and more and I didn't know why. Then after the date I couldn't deny that I was really starting to get invested.

 

I stopped myself and I decided never to see him again in my personal life. Then I stopped texting with him as well.

 

So even though I only liked him physically, feelings started to develop right after he started paying me attention. I think this is where us women have weaknesses. It may not be about the sex, maybe it's about the attention??

 

I think it's because many (maybe even most?) women can't truly enjoy ourselves sexually unless we like the guy at least on some level. And if we don't even enjoy the sex, then why would we do a FWB thing with a guy. So therefore if we are able to actually enjoy a FWB, that means we like the guy to at least some extent.

 

I'm sure there are special exceptions, but that seems to be the norm.

 

I think the problem is when women don't realize this and are ticked into believing that their brains, emotions, hormones, etc are just like a man's before they have their first FWB scenario. Then it's like oh ****.

 

I wish I had a FWB at this point in my life. But I'd go into it secretly knowing that it'd only be a matter of time. That'd I probably have great experiences, since I'd have picked him because I liked him and thus the sex would be great, and then eventually I'd get attached, get a bad case of the feels and have to fade out or fall off the grid abruptly. I think maybe that's just part of being female when it comes to sex. I think better to embrace and cope with it (if you're gonna do the FWB thing) than to try to delude yourself.

 

I had my first "casual encounter" at the end of this past November. Don't know anything about him, I said. Will never see him again, I said. No emotional risk at all, I said. Just pure fun and experience under my belt, I said. Definitely won't cuddle with him or anything like that, I said.

 

Oh and btw, we have similar political views and the same sense of humor, the cuddling was nice and I didn't even get laid. FML

[Danda]

I dont think this melt down will have been "better then nothing" for her..and see thats were we trick ourselves she IS trusting this guy apparently more then shes ever trusted anyone else..I will always be her friend and be there for her but the situation just makes me shake my head..

 

Might look that way to you but she made her choices for her own reasons.

 

If she had had a serious relationship and it ended (they all do), and she was crying and he was being an ass, would you be giving her **** like, "Hope this was better than being single"?

 

No of course not, you're a good and caring friend.

 

So why judge her (shaking your head) because it's a FWB situation gone south and probably ending?

 

To her it was better than nothing, but it came with risks/price and now it's the bad part.

 

If she trusted him, though, then she wasn't personally prepared for FWB, you'd be right about that.

[Danda]

Also can't blame the guy, either. He signed up for FWB and was honest. He didn't do anything wrong. He's a bit of an ass for refusing to tell her straight up how it is in response to her love confession, so she can just know, process and move on. But he didn't do anything wrong by being her FWB.

 

Maybe that's what I like about FWB concept.

 

Serious romantic stuff leaves me feeling stupid, angry, bitter, self-loathing, etc.

 

FWB type deal and all I have to deal with is a bad case of the feels when it has to end. But at least I won't struggle with feeling betrayed and blaming and trust issues and all that extra ****.

 

But yeah if your friend trusted him to love her when she knew they were just FWB then FWB probably isn't for her personally. She can know that know and be all lesson learned.

[TigerLilly78]

Might look that way to you but she made her choices for her own reasons.

 

If she had had a serious relationship and it ended (they all do), and she was crying and he was being an ass, would you be giving her **** like, "Hope this was better than being single"?

 

No of course not, you're a good and caring friend.

 

So why judge her (shaking your head) because it's a FWB situation gone south and probably ending?

 

To her it was better than nothing, but it came with risks/price and now it's the bad part.

 

If she trusted him, though, then she wasn't personally prepared for FWB, you'd be right about that.

 

Love is worth the hurt lust is not she wanted love yet she settled for his attention and to let him use her body because he knew exactly what to say to give her hope. Im sorry but I am going to shake my head at this situation cause its sad. Its not the same as a normal break up she never got the affection she craved agreed she brought this on herself im not saying she didn't but nows not the time for me to even think of saying anything like that to her..

[TigerLilly78]

Also can't blame the guy, either. He signed up for FWB and was honest. He didn't do anything wrong. He's a bit of an ass for refusing to tell her straight up how it is in response to her love confession, so she can just know, process and move on. But he didn't do anything wrong by being her FWB.

 

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Trust me ive seen this develope from the get go he wasent 100% honest he gave her little hints as they went to get her to keep going back for more but now its seams clear when it comes to it hes not really interested..also hes much older then her and was once a role model having been one of her teachers and believe me he played that off to a tee as well telling her how much he admired her back then..and laying the crap on thick..this wasn't a 100% honest and upfront FWB..were the girl just falls for the guy on her own doing..

[Woggle]

You don't speak for all women. In general though most people aren't that emotionless when it comes to sex and that is both genders.

 

The advice I would give women is if a guy says he only wants casual assume it will stay that way until he says otherwise.

[Danda]

Love is worth the hurt lust is not she wanted love yet she settled for his attention and to let him use her body because he knew exactly what to say to give her hope. Im sorry but I am going to shake my head at this situation cause its sad. Its not the same as a normal break up she never got the affection she craved agreed she brought this on herself im not saying she didn't but nows not the time for me to even think of saying anything like that to her..

 

All I'm saying is that it was her choice and she had her reasons. However, with that bolded part and then"

 

Trust me ive seen this develope from the get go he wasent 100% honest he gave her little hints as they went to get her to keep going back for more but now its seams clear when it comes to it hes not really interested..also hes much older then her and was once a role model having been one of her teachers and believe me he played that off to a tee as well telling her how much he admired her back then..and laying the crap on thick..this wasn't a 100% honest and upfront FWB..were the girl just falls for the guy on her own doing..

 

Well then this doesn't sound like legit FWB to me. Sounds like dating with sex, and him leading her on.

 

With legit FWB both parties are straight up like this is just for sex and nothing else, not going anywhere and no emotional crap, deal? Deal.

 

So I think this thread is going to be a little messy without this info in the original post.

 

I still don't think there is anything crazy or wrong with a woman doing the FWB thing as long as she has realistic expectations and knows when she needs to walk away from it.

 

But what this guy did to your friend was just ****ty and wrong.

 

As usual it's a matter of manipulation and deception. That's the real problem and the real reason he's a ****ty person.

 

So yeah I can understand why you're pissed off at him, makes sense to me. I'd debate on whether or not one made a mistake in doing FWB just because they wound up getting the feels, but I won't debate that what he did was wrong.

[TigerLilly78]

You don't speak for all women. In general though most people aren't that emotionless when it comes to sex and that is both genders.

 

The advice I would give women is if a guy says he only wants casual assume it will stay that way until he says otherwise.

 

Oh I know I don't speak for them all but you have to agree there is rarely a good thread from a women's point of view when it comes to FWB on LS these days. Most are hurt women who ended up wanting more..white the guys are more often OK or happy with the set up.

 

I guess its just how nature wired the sexes? men need to spread their seed so to speak and women need to nurture more? I dunno just a guess there as to why it happens the way it dose more often then not..there are always rare exceptions of course..

[Woggle]

I am sorry if this comes off harsh but a good portion of these threads are from women who have want what you can't have syndrome. The minute they get what they want from the guy they don't want anymore. I see it happen time and time again.

[Haydn]

Us blokes get invested as well. Despite what a lot of threads say.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Naturally there's no surefire way to guarantee you don't develop feelings, however if you decide to get into a casual relationship you can certainly take steps to lessen the blow should you feel yourself developing them.

 

While I feel for your friend, her FWB is not the issue here. If he had lied to her or implied their relationship would progress should she keep sleeping with them then yeah, he would be an ass and you'd have a point; however that doesn't appear to be the case. It was unfair of her to confess her feelings and expect him to automatically reciprocate.

 

People rarely "catch feelings" over night so at some point she obviously felt herself falling for him, yet she continued to casually sleep with him anyway. That was her first and probably her biggest mistake. The moment she began to feel something she should have either A) let him know up front and took things from there or B) ended the relationship. Had she chosen option A and he declined a serious relationship she should've then selected option B.

 

I'm quite curious to know the exact nature of what he said and the ways in which he "lead her on" because short of saying "Yes, keep giving me sex and one day we'll be together" (which she'd be a fool to believe) I don't see this how this grown woman so sorely mislead.

[Danda]

Us blokes get invested as well. Despite what a lot of threads say.

 

But do most men need to have a non-sexual attraction of some sort with a woman, in order to be able to really enjoy sex with her?

 

My assumption is no, but guess I could be wrong. Why I'm asking lol.

 

My impression is that most men can definitely enjoy romping with a woman if she is really hot to them, even if they don't like or know anything much about her personality at all and she never spends any non-sexual interaction with them at all. I know that some men are not like this, but it just seems like most are.

 

There was actually a guy in the sexual health forum recently who was treating his inability to perform until he grew comfortable with a woman as some type of sexual dysfunction / disorder or something and was asking for help.

 

I think if a woman was like, "My vagina can't get totally relaxed and aroused with a guy until I get comfortable him," everyone would be like duh.

 

I don't think this means that men can't ever get attached to a FWB. I just think that if a woman is genuinely enjoying sex with her FWB, then it's almost guaranteed she is attached to some extent, in that she likes more about him than just his body and the motion of his ocean.

 

So therefore I think when women do a FWB thing they need to have that expectation right upfront, like lady you WILL get attached and you WILL get a case of the feels, so just be prepared for it and know how to handle it when it happens.

 

Whereas for men I think it's like oh my gawd can't believe I actually got the feels.

[TigerLilly78]

I am sorry if this comes off harsh but a good portion of these threads are from women who have want what you can't have syndrome. The minute they get what they want from the guy they don't want anymore. I see it happen time and time again.

That would be fair enough with the exception this guy played her fairly well..he made her think she could have him in a way.

[TigerLilly78]

Naturally there's no surefire way to guarantee you don't develop feelings, however if you decide to get into a casual relationship you can certainly take steps to lessen the blow should you feel yourself developing them.

 

While I feel for your friend, her FWB is not the issue here. If he had lied to her or implied their relationship would progress should she keep sleeping with them then yeah, he would be an ass and you'd have a point; however that doesn't appear to be the case. It was unfair of her to confess her feelings and expect him to automatically reciprocate.

 

People rarely "catch feelings" over night so at some point she obviously felt herself falling for him, yet she continued to casually sleep with him anyway. That was her first and probably her biggest mistake. The moment she began to feel something she should have either A) let him know up front and took things from there or B) ended the relationship. Had she chosen option A and he declined a serious relationship she should've then selected option B.

 

I'm quite curious to know the exact nature of what he said and the ways in which he "lead her on" because short of saying "Yes, keep giving me sex and one day we'll be together" (which she'd be a fool to believe) I don't see this how this grown woman so sorely mislead.

 

He did at one point very early on before they slept together I do believe say he might be open to more then sex also hes continually given her little "hints" comments in passing as to him caring more then it now appears he actually ever did..he told her he got rid of his other FWB and has also told her he would be jealous if he knew she was with another man if thats not leading a girl on at least a bit I don't know what is..

[Danda]

He did at one point very early on before they slept together I do believe say he might be open to more then sex also hes continually given her little "hints" comments in passing as to him caring more then it now appears he actually ever did..he told her he got rid of his other FWB and has also told her he would be jealous if he knew she was with another man if thats not leading a girl on at least a bit I don't know what is..

 

Yeah he broke some unspoken FWB rules, in my opinion.

 

1. Giving a false sense of hope, probably to keep the sex coming

2. Claiming to have gone exclusive and pretty strongly implying he wants her to go exclusive as well (for emotional reasons and not for health safety reasons)

 

Sounds slimy.

 

Was there ever the official FWB talk? Like where both parties verbalized their agreement and understanding that it was just casual sex and nothing more, no matter how friendly they ever got outside of sex?

 

This is just sounding less and less like actual FWB.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

He did at one point very early on before they slept together I do believe say he might be open to more then sex also hes continually given her little "hints" comments in passing as to him caring more then it now appears he actually ever did..he told her he got rid of his other FWB and has also told her he would be jealous if he knew she was with another man if thats not leading a girl on at least a bit I don't know what is..

 

This is going to drive me insane. What does someone saying they "might be open to more than sex" even mean? Because to me it tells me absolutely nothing concrete. And honestly I'm still unclear as to what exactly these "hints" were because frankly it sounds like little more than the same non-committal, ambiguous jargon of MM and others clearly not interested in progressing further tend to use. It also sounds an awful lot like she was making a feast out of crumbs. If your boss "hints" at maybe one day giving you a raise you don't go out and buy a house.

 

And the intent behind such talk - i.e. the desire to keep the one aspect of the relationship going with no desire to move beyond that - is immediately apparent to most. Some just either choose to ignore it or pretend it definitely means something else. Which it sounds like your friend did.

 

Personally, if a guy I was casually sleeping with vaguely hinted at maybe perhaps considering possibly thinking about trying for a real relationship I'd call BS then and there. My next action would be to ask when. Why on earth would she not call him on this from the beginning?

 

Instead of saying point blank "Hey FWB, are you trying to tell me you'd like to be a proper couple today?" it appears she just coasted along with crossed fingers and now I guess we're supposed to demonize the guy. Idgi .

Edited December 8, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[Leigh 87]

Well it takes a certain type of woman.

 

I never had issues with FWB.

 

Absolutely loved every moment of it, I am still good friends with them to this day even. Wasn't bummed when it ended.

 

Even though I had feelings for him, I cut them off well enough so that I was entirely comfortable with it ending at any given moment.

 

Just because one woman cannot handle a FWB arrangement, that doesn't mean she is representative of all women.

 

I know very well when I am falling in love for real... I would bolt in that case, if I knew it was just a FWB type of thing.

[Leigh 87]

Sexual liberation,slut shaming concepts,the new idea that women should have casual sex as men do,that we approach sex the same way men do even though it's painstakingly obvious that women get invested.

 

I have known friends who I am 99 percent sexually attracted to,1 percent romantically interested in and I still wouldn't go for a fwb,I know feelings are not static and would develop.

 

 

That is funny. I didn't get invested with my FWB.

 

I had two I was quiet close to. One is still on going from October.

 

However - if I met a guy who I felt I had a special and unique connection with - there are just some guys out there in the world who I WOULD NOT be able to do FWB with, due to my feelings being too strong.

[TigerLilly78]

This is going to drive me insane. What does someone saying they "might be open to more than sex" even mean? Because to me it tells me absolutely nothing concrete. And honestly I'm still unclear as to what exactly these "hints" were because frankly it sounds like little more than the same non-committal, ambiguous jargon of MM and others clearly not interested in progressing further tend to use. It also sounds an awful lot like she was making a feast out of crumbs. If your boss "hints" at maybe one day giving you a raise you don't go out and buy a house.

 

And the intent behind such talk - i.e. the desire to keep the one aspect of the relationship going with no desire to move beyond that - is immediately apparent to most. Some just either choose to ignore it or pretend it definitely means something else. Which it sounds like your friend did.

 

Personally, if a guy I was casually sleeping with vaguely hinted at maybe perhaps considering possibly thinking about trying for a real relationship I'd call BS then and there. My next action would be to ask when. Why on earth would she not call him on this from the beginning?

 

Instead of saying point blank "Hey FWB, are you trying to tell me you'd like to be a proper couple today?" it appears she just coasted along with crossed fingers and now I guess we're supposed to demonize the guy. Idgi .

I see your points and agree with you she liked this guy before she ever got into a FWB type of thingish with him she was asking me for dating advice and such with older men.

 

But then some how things seamed to evolve into the sorry state it is today and I also agree she should have had more of a backbone in the situation she kept saying she was afraid to talk to him about it and shes afraid to mess things up even yesterday as it was clear as day he was blowing her off she was upset she might have ruined things.

 

I know shes not the most emotionally stable girl and she has very low self easteam so maybe that was a contributor as well..I personally learned a long time ago not to get myself into crap like this cause its never worth it..I have a good few years on this girl how ever so she doesn't yet have the same life experiences sadly..seams she has to also learn them the hard way..