Women you can not handel FWB!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Great post Hydra.

Danda wrote about a situation like that, "Like if you deliberately spend as little time as possible talking, refuse to get to know each other as much as possible, no cuddling, the one who traveled leaves immediately after both parties get their orgasm, etc."

 

I agree with her that the idea of doing that is really lame.

 

Yeah, it's just one of those things I can't do unless I absolutely detest the guy. And since I don't make a habit out of sleeping with guys I detest, it's a bit hard to kinda just up and leave/kick him out. I've only ever been able to do that sort of thing with my ex but that was purely because it was towards the end and I couldn't stand to be around him for more than a quickie.

 

I believe that's what makes the difference between FWB and a booty call. With a FWB your supposed to actually be friends, so talking and getting to know each other is fine. Heh, I just thought of another thing that FWB can stand for, Fu*king With Buddies

 

The worst thing about leaving once the sex is done is that it doesn't allow for morning sex. There is nothing better than being still groggy from sleep and having a hot girl blow me.

 

Absolutely! Leaving immediately after feels a bit....idk, empty(?) to me I guess. After a good night, I'm always ready for more in the morning anyway plus, who doesn't love an AM bj??

 

 

I've got no experience with this, but it does sound like great advice, especially for women.

 

Yeah, it's a real thing. It's actually one of the main reasons why I don't discuss any budding relationship with those around me, no matter what kind it is. People close to you are inclined to ask a ton of questions you might not even be ready to answer. It sucks.

 

In other words, it would be a horrible idea for me to be FWB with Felicity from Arrow. I'd quickly fall for her.

 

So that's good advice.

 

 

Umm yeah, idk who that woman is but she's got nothing on my baby Summer Glau (who, by the way is a goddess) so she's totally irrelevant . But yeah, the advice is still the same!

 

Once again more good advice. Your post should be stickied.

 

Pigs will be flying in a frozen hell before that happens but thanks!

[ASG]

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

 

Definitely!

 

1- no contact other than to get together. By this, I mean no calling, texting at all hours every waking moment.

 

2- not getting together every day or too often. Once a week seems to work for me.

 

3- avoid sleepovers where you can. Sometimes it's just not possible, though, so it's not the biggest of deals anyway, but it's just a little extra something to remind you this is not a relationship.

 

4- KEEP IT NON EXCLUSIVE! This for me has always been the main one. If I'm sleeping with more than one guy (or am at least open to the possibility),my minds stays clear!

 

 

 

Now, as for the OP... I'm gonna join the voices of the "don't put us all in the same pot".

 

Just very very recently, my FWB arrangement (that some of you may have heard about in other threads) has come to an end. Not that we talked about ending it, but he's now gonna be out of the country for about 3 months and things were already fizzling in the past couple of months.

 

I'm a bit bummed, but not heartbroken. I kept my feeling in check and never let myself fall in love with him. I do like him though. More than I like a random guy friend I've never slept with, but I'm not losing any sleep over this "break up".

 

I mean.. I would have liked to make a go of it, but the timing was never right with us, and then, with him away on tour, things changed and the distance kinda made the connection we shared at the beginning start to fade. And in the last couple of months it was pretty obvious it just wasn't there anymore. We still had fun! But it wasn't the same and it became very clear that as soon as he left, that would probably be it.

 

 

Maybe we'll pick it up again when he comes back, but I'm not waiting around. I've found myself a "rebound" FWB to keep me entertained!

[somedude81]

 

 

Umm yeah, idk who that woman is but she's got nothing on my baby Summer Glau (who, by the way is a goddess) so she's totally irrelevant . But yeah, the advice is still the same!

 

Since we agreed on everything I want to jump to this point.

 

Summer Glau is on the same show as the girl I linked to! They are both on Arrow. Though Summer isn't on every episode.

 

BTW, something about her has always scared me, and you post a picture of her holding a gun. Yeah that really helped

[Georgia2014]

It rubbed me the wrong way the OP saying women can not handle a FWB situation. Who does she think she is making a statement like that. FYI OP some women can handle it very well. Just because her friend fell for the guy doesn't mean all FWB end that way. I was in a FWB situation the guy fell for ME. What does that tell you OP? OP you can not speak for ALL women you are NOT the spokesman for women.

[letmoc]

It rubbed me the wrong way the OP saying women can not handle a FWB situation. Who does she think she is making a statement like that. FYI OP some women can handle it very well. Just because her friend fell for the guy doesn't mean all FWB end that way. I was in a FWB situation the guy fell for ME. What does that tell you OP? OP you can not speak for ALL women you are NOT the spokesman for women.

 

I think more often than not women can't handle it. In the case of my friends I have seen more women get more invested in these situations than men. And i know i am unable to have sex without developing feelings for the person. I get immediatley attached so I avoid FWB totally. I'm like a clingy cuddle monster after sex.

[elaine567]

I get immediatley attached so I avoid FWB totally. I'm like a clingy cuddle monster after sex.

Aww!

[Danda]

I think more often than not women can't handle it. In the case of my friends I have seen more women get more invested in these situations than men. And i know i am unable to have sex without developing feelings for the person. I get immediatley attached so I avoid FWB totally. I'm like a clingy cuddle monster after sex.

 

I think also a lot of women totally ignore giant red flags of manipulative and/or disrespectful behavior.

 

Like a lot of women I knew at work were reading that Fifty Shades of Grey book. I was told it was a story about BDSM kink, and since I tend to like that type of fantasy stuff, I checked it out.

 

But it wasn't a story about BDSM kink. It was a story about a guy with serious issues who meets a woman with no healthy boundaries, and they have a really dysfunctional 'relationship' in which the sex just so happens to be kinky. They weren't role playing.

 

I think a lot of women are conditioned to think of giant red flags as exciting/romantic instead of as giant red flags. They don't realize this until a guy they don't find attractive at all start popping the same flags, and then suddenly it becomes really obvious just how creepy and disrespectful certain behaviors are.

 

So to put in the FWB context, consider the OP's friend's situation. The guy was obviously just playing games, being disrespectful and manipulative, but OP's friend ignored all of it and went right into delusion mode.

 

I also think it happens to men, as well, since they can have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, too. Like if a woman has only known you for 3 days but is so in love with you and thinks you are the best ****ing thing since sliced bread and wants to get serious right away, chances are she has BPD and you are in for the ride of your life (not the good kind) if you succumb to the fantasy instead of recognizing the red flags.

 

Probably the best way to avoid getting hurt in a FWB situation is to make sure you have your own head on straight before giving it a try, because it likely will unearth any deeper dysfunctions you have.

[TigerLilly78]

It rubbed me the wrong way the OP saying women can not handle a FWB situation. Who does she think she is making a statement like that. FYI OP some women can handle it very well. Just because her friend fell for the guy doesn't mean all FWB end that way. I was in a FWB situation the guy fell for ME. What does that tell you OP? OP you can not speak for ALL women you are NOT the spokesman for women.

 

Im sorry my opinion rubbed you the wrong way but its no less valuable then yours so I shall stand by it for the most part. If you can do a FWB and have no prob then congrats to you! ive seen it hurt more people then it has helped them including my friend so this is how I am forming this opinion.

 

Also if you had read down further in my thread I had said that "some might be able to handle a FWB" so perhaps reading a little more might make you feel better next time..I was hurt and angry when I made this thread but I still do not believe that the majority of women can handle the dynamic of a FWB with out getting attached and then getting hurt..

[TigerLilly78]

I think also a lot of women totally ignore giant red flags of manipulative and/or disrespectful behavior.

 

Like a lot of women I knew at work were reading that Fifty Shades of Grey book. I was told it was a story about BDSM kink, and since I tend to like that type of fantasy stuff, I checked it out.

 

But it wasn't a story about BDSM kink. It was a story about a guy with serious issues who meets a woman with no healthy boundaries, and they have a really dysfunctional 'relationship' in which the sex just so happens to be kinky. They weren't role playing.

 

I think a lot of women are conditioned to think of giant red flags as exciting/romantic instead of as giant red flags. They don't realize this until a guy they don't find attractive at all start popping the same flags, and then suddenly it becomes really obvious just how creepy and disrespectful certain behaviors are.

 

So to put in the FWB context, consider the OP's friend's situation. The guy was obviously just playing games, being disrespectful and manipulative, but OP's friend ignored all of it and went right into delusion mode.

 

I also think it happens to men, as well, since they can have low self-esteem and poor boundaries, too. Like if a woman has only known you for 3 days but is so in love with you and thinks you are the best ****ing thing since sliced bread and wants to get serious right away, chances are she has BPD and you are in for the ride of your life (not the good kind) if you succumb to the fantasy instead of recognizing the red flags.

 

Probably the best way to avoid getting hurt in a FWB situation is to make sure you have your own head on straight before giving it a try, because it likely will unearth any deeper dysfunctions you have.

 

Very well put indeed ty for this post..and I agree my friend got caut up in the "what ifs" and and the hope of having more with this guy he saw it and played right along with it..at the very start I was kinda happy even tho hes older I thought maybe he might be patient and kind and just what she needed to help get her life going in a positive direction.

 

Then she started telling me more and more and I saw the red flags go up! and then she started really falling for him because they were/are talking every night and so on and now shes his full blown younger piece of *** on the side..and shes still holding out hope for more while trying to tell everyone shes happy with things the way they are..to anyone who really knows her we know shes not..

 

Shes only fooling herself and hes getting what ever he wants and I do mean what ever sexually..Granted maybe this is not a standard FWB but it was the closest thing I had to compare it to as they were friends before they startd sleeping togher so I thought it fit..

[SawtoothMars]

Nearly all of my girlfriends have had FWB. Every single one developed intense feelings and ended up heartbroken. It's really nobody's fault, but it sucks that it happened. It seems women can be so hooked on someone that they will lie to themselves repeatedly just so they can keep him around in some way. :/

 

Actually... it IS somebodies fault. When I was a kid this was common knowledge. The girls who engaged in what we called "fu**buddy" relationships did so with their hearts prepared for problems. This message is nowhere to be found today. So the answer is that WE as a society are to blame.

[Danda]

Actually... it IS somebodies fault. When I was a kid this was common knowledge. The girls who engaged in what we called "fu**buddy" relationships did so with their hearts prepared for problems. This message is nowhere to be found today. So the answer is that WE as a society are to blame.

 

I know I'm in broken record mode, but again I think it's because modern feminism has taken a seriously wrong turn. Rather than being about how there should be nothing shameful or less deserving of respect about female existence in all of its elements, there actually seems to be the polar opposite message in that being female is somehow bad and therefore women need to be more like men.

 

Tricking young women into thinking they are just like men in every single way, hormonally, biologically, neurologically, etc is not celebrating / respecting women at all. It's the exact opposite message and it's flippin weird.

 

Meanwhile stereotypical male attributes, like aggression and competition, are being demonized as inherently 'bad' (rather than simply having their proper places and times).

 

Sexually speaking, as a result we have a bunch of women who think they can screw like men without getting attached easily, and a bunch of men who are scared to death to even ask women on dates or take control in the bedroom. What a mess lol.

[ASG]

I know I'm in broken record mode, but again I think it's because modern feminism has taken a seriously wrong turn. Rather than being about how there should be nothing shameful or less deserving of respect about female existence in all of its elements, there actually seems to be the polar opposite message in that being female is somehow bad and therefore women need to be more like men.

 

Tricking young women into thinking they are just like men in every single way, hormonally, biologically, neurologically, etc is not celebrating / respecting women at all. It's the exact opposite message and it's flippin weird.

 

Meanwhile stereotypical male attributes, like aggression and competition, are being demonized as inherently 'bad' (rather than simply having their proper places and times).

 

Sexually speaking, as a result we have a bunch of women who think they can screw like men without getting attached easily, and a bunch of men who are scared to death to even ask women on dates or take control in the bedroom. What a mess lol.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I object to the idea that having **** buddies/FWB/NSA sex is "being more like a man". It's rather a "I'd rather have sex than not" thing, for me and for my friends.

It has nothing to do with trying to be like men.

 

And considering the "examples" people are giving here, of women not being able to deal with it, I'd say they are really NOT trying to be like men, but rather be like women, who give men sex as a way to keep them in a relationship of sorts and then get disappointed when he is not on the same page.

 

However, us women who do it right, we're not trying to be men. It has nothing to do with it. We're just trying to satisfy our sexual urges while we look for a suitable long term mate.

 

And sure, sometimes things go wrong with such arrangements, even if you know what you're getting in to. Sometimes feelings just develop. At that point, the party who developed feelings just needs to be able to deal with the situation and not blame the other party for not wanting the same, since they were the ones who tried to change the rules of the arrangement.

[Danda]

I'm sorry, but I object to the idea that having **** buddies/FWB/NSA sex is "being more like a man". It's rather a "I'd rather have sex than not" thing, for me and for my friends.

It has nothing to do with trying to be like men.

 

And considering the "examples" people are giving here, of women not being able to deal with it, I'd say they are really NOT trying to be like men, but rather be like women, who give men sex as a way to keep them in a relationship of sorts and then get disappointed when he is not on the same page.

 

However, us women who do it right, we're not trying to be men. It has nothing to do with it. We're just trying to satisfy our sexual urges while we look for a suitable long term mate.

 

And sure, sometimes things go wrong with such arrangements, even if you know what you're getting in to. Sometimes feelings just develop. At that point, the party who developed feelings just needs to be able to deal with the situation and not blame the other party for not wanting the same, since they were the ones who tried to change the rules of the arrangement.

 

But men and women do have strong trends in being biochemically and neurologically different, and therefore there are strong trends in how women tend to process sexual intimacy, compared to men.

 

But these days it's considered "sexist" to point these things out, and so these things often get ignored, and women are not educated in the ways in which they are (likely, special exceptions aside) different, and how those differences will impact their experiences.

 

So what can often happen is that the man and the woman in the FWB situation are having the same literal experiences but processing and perceiving those experiences differently. Again I understand there are special exceptions.

 

So furthermore, what can often happen is that the woman will start developing emotional attachment that her male counterpart is not, and in observing that her male counterpart does not seem to be experiencing things the same way, there can be a sort of self-deluding that takes place in which the woman denies her own female existence (on a more psychological level, not literal) and tries to keep on trekking through it as though she is having a standard male experience, when deep down she is not.

 

Present day feminism typically encourages this sort of thing, because again, acknowledging strong trends in biochemical and neurological differences is ridiculed as "sexist" and thus gets swept under the rug. It denies the ways in which the female experience tends to be unique, which often comes across as though the female experience is somehow bad, and thus you should pretend like it doesn't exist.

 

Then you get a thread like this where a lot of women confess that not getting attached in a FWB situation is difficult. What's sad is that this is coming as a surprise to many women, and they are learning the hard way as they totally fumble their way through their first attempt and wind up in broken-hearted disasters.

 

If you are a woman who knew inherently right off the bat that you would need to be vigilant of your emotions and stay purely logical about a situation, when to walk away, etc, then you are probably just wiser and more perceptive than average. Which is cool and all. But I am speaking more for the sake of women who go into it clueless and get burned.

[dispatch3d]

handle. It's spelled that way. For some reason that bothers me.

 

 

I agree with you, I think she's just barking up the wrong tree. She should distance herself from him and find someone that's committed to her.

[TigerLilly78]

But men and women do have strong trends in being biochemically and neurologically different, and therefore there are strong trends in how women tend to process sexual intimacy, compared to men.

 

But these days it's considered "sexist" to point these things out, and so these things often get ignored, and women are not educated in the ways in which they are (likely, special exceptions aside) different, and how those differences will impact their experiences.

 

So what can often happen is that the man and the woman in the FWB situation are having the same literal experiences but processing and perceiving those experiences differently. Again I understand there are special exceptions.

 

So furthermore, what can often happen is that the woman will start developing emotional attachment that her male counterpart is not, and in observing that her male counterpart does not seem to be experiencing things the same way, there can be a sort of self-deluding that takes place in which the woman denies her own female existence (on a more psychological level, not literal) and tries to keep on trekking through it as though she is having a standard male experience, when deep down she is not.

 

Present day feminism typically encourages this sort of thing, because again, acknowledging strong trends in biochemical and neurological differences is ridiculed as "sexist" and thus gets swept under the rug. It denies the ways in which the female experience tends to be unique, which often comes across as though the female experience is somehow bad, and thus you should pretend like it doesn't exist.

 

Then you get a thread like this where a lot of women confess that not getting attached in a FWB situation is difficult. What's sad is that this is coming as a surprise to many women, and they are learning the hard way as they totally fumble their way through their first attempt and wind up in broken-hearted disasters.

 

If you are a woman who knew inherently right off the bat that you would need to be vigilant of your emotions and stay purely logical about a situation, when to walk away, etc, then you are probably just wiser and more perceptive than average. Which is cool and all. But I am speaking more for the sake of women who go into it clueless and get burned.

You bring up some interesting points ive also seen some women try to almost convince themselves they are fine in a FWB I mean really lay it on thick then when you talk to them more the truth slowly leaks out that in reality they do wish things would develop into more..but they are in essence settling for the FWB..

[ASG]

But men and women do have strong trends in being biochemically and neurologically different, and therefore there are strong trends in how women tend to process sexual intimacy, compared to men.

 

But these days it's considered "sexist" to point these things out, and so these things often get ignored, and women are not educated in the ways in which they are (likely, special exceptions aside) different, and how those differences will impact their experiences.

 

So what can often happen is that the man and the woman in the FWB situation are having the same literal experiences but processing and perceiving those experiences differently. Again I understand there are special exceptions.

 

So furthermore, what can often happen is that the woman will start developing emotional attachment that her male counterpart is not, and in observing that her male counterpart does not seem to be experiencing things the same way, there can be a sort of self-deluding that takes place in which the woman denies her own female existence (on a more psychological level, not literal) and tries to keep on trekking through it as though she is having a standard male experience, when deep down she is not.

 

Present day feminism typically encourages this sort of thing, because again, acknowledging strong trends in biochemical and neurological differences is ridiculed as "sexist" and thus gets swept under the rug. It denies the ways in which the female experience tends to be unique, which often comes across as though the female experience is somehow bad, and thus you should pretend like it doesn't exist.

 

Then you get a thread like this where a lot of women confess that not getting attached in a FWB situation is difficult. What's sad is that this is coming as a surprise to many women, and they are learning the hard way as they totally fumble their way through their first attempt and wind up in broken-hearted disasters.

 

If you are a woman who knew inherently right off the bat that you would need to be vigilant of your emotions and stay purely logical about a situation, when to walk away, etc, then you are probably just wiser and more perceptive than average. Which is cool and all. But I am speaking more for the sake of women who go into it clueless and get burned.

 

 

Going on the bolded... what are you basing that on? Cause... I mean... up until a few decades ago, women were property. They were not allowed to have a sex life outside of marriage.

 

Hell, vibrators were invented by doctors to cure women "hysteria", because it was believed that women had no need for sex or pleasure, so surely, it was a medical condition!

 

So I don't think we can talk about men and women being inherently different, when the reality is society has made us different. Nature vs nurture and all that.

 

Who's to say that, if men and women had been granted the same amount of sexual freedom in the past, we wouldn't all be the same?

 

I can, and have, had sex without even thinking about feelings. In fact, I've had long term FWB arrangements, that lasted YEARS and dating them never even occurred to me.

I'm not going to talk about feelings, because those always develop, for both parties. But not LOVE feelings. Feelings of fondness. But nothing more. I mean, I care about my long term FWBs. They are friends. Sometimes close friends. We have spent enough time together to have had deep and meaningful conversations. But a I in love with them? No, I'm not. Do I want to date them? No. I really don't.

 

 

So, while you make some good points, I think your logic is flawed. Because there is no shred of evidence that the differences are biological, as opposed to taught.

[Revolver]

If the only time you and a guy interact is when he calls you over for sex, your not his "FWB", you're his bootycall. Guys like to put that FWB tag on to make a woman feel special when in the grand scheme of things it's the same thing

[GemmaUK]

I did FWB once.

It went badly wrong.

He proposed to me.

 

 

I was not attached or anywhere near even dating let alone marriage...eek!

[Leigh 87]

If the only time you and a guy interact is when he calls you over for sex, your not his "FWB", you're his bootycall. Guys like to put that FWB tag on to make a woman feel special when in the grand scheme of things it's the same thing

 

Yep. Women with self respect generally do that accept that sort of tag and they can spot it.

 

Where as my Fwb would take me out for meals, spend non sex related time with me and talk to me daily when we were not screwing.

 

Accepting anything less than that type of casual arrangement isn't going to end well.

[Leigh 87]

I did FWB once.

It went badly wrong.

He proposed to me.

 

 

I was not attached or anywhere near even dating let alone marriage...eek!

 

Yes this has happened to me but it's not limited to FWB. ..There are some real whack jobs whom you try to date for real... who end up falling in love after a week and that type of thing...

 

One FWB fell in love with me and he wouldn't leave me alone.

 

Then I met ex and now he won't leave me alone.

 

So yeah. All types of guys can end up acting psycho.

[eye of the storm]

Over 4 years ago, i started a FWB with a MM. For about 3 years it was just that. Then a little over a year ago I realized I had somehow fallen in love. The guy is one of my best friends and biggest supporters, and I just got addicted to that feeling I have when I am with him.

 

About 3 years ago i also started a FWB with another man. Great guy. He is the one that developed feelings. I decided that it was just going to hurt him so I started encouraging him to date more. Actual dates. We are still friends but I can tell he would take me back in an instant. I feel like I hurt my friend. And its sad.

 

So...FWBs can be fun but I think if they go on to long...somebody is going to get hurt, male or female. One of the couple will eventually develop feelings

[Danda]

Going on the bolded... what are you basing that on? Cause... I mean... up until a few decades ago, women were property. They were not allowed to have a sex life outside of marriage.

 

Hell, vibrators were invented by doctors to cure women "hysteria", because it was believed that women had no need for sex or pleasure, so surely, it was a medical condition!

 

So I don't think we can talk about men and women being inherently different, when the reality is society has made us different. Nature vs nurture and all that.

 

Who's to say that, if men and women had been granted the same amount of sexual freedom in the past, we wouldn't all be the same?

 

I can, and have, had sex without even thinking about feelings. In fact, I've had long term FWB arrangements, that lasted YEARS and dating them never even occurred to me.

I'm not going to talk about feelings, because those always develop, for both parties. But not LOVE feelings. Feelings of fondness. But nothing more. I mean, I care about my long term FWBs. They are friends. Sometimes close friends. We have spent enough time together to have had deep and meaningful conversations. But a I in love with them? No, I'm not. Do I want to date them? No. I really don't.

 

 

So, while you make some good points, I think your logic is flawed. Because there is no shred of evidence that the differences are biological, as opposed to taught.

 

Sorry for the delayed response. Sometimes I can sense myself getting into soapbox mode and try to step out before I turn into a total blowhard lol.

 

There are many, many research studies showing the biochemical and neurological differences between the two sexes, that have extremely strong trends.

 

However, this doesn't mean that either gender should be less respected, or have more or less rights, or anything like that.

 

Many people are afraid of acknowledging biochemical/hormonal and neurological differences for fear that it will lead to things like discrimination or disrespect.

 

But why can't there be strong trends in differences, and yet we still treat everyone with equal respect, dignity, rights, etc?

 

By denying science in order to prevent disrespect, it sets up a sort of logical fallacy premise that if there are differences, then disrespect is okay. This is why I consider it so dangerous and flawed to deny science as a way to band-aid long-standing cultural problems.

 

Rather, the sexes do have very strong trends in differences, but it is still not okay to disrespect each other or treat each other like property or anything like that. Rather, these common differences should be respected and cherished as important parts of humanity.