Women you can not handel FWB!

[me85]

Some women can, some women can't. Some men can, some men can't. Don't categorize us all please.

[TigerLilly78]

This man is in his mid to late 40s this girl is early 20s just out of collage he knew she had some major issues. I am angry at him for hurting my friend im also angry at her for allowing it to happen. You don't have to deamonise anyone im not asking you too you don't have to agree with me.

 

I think also the fact hes done with this other students as well it all just feels wrong to me. And yes I know shes not 100% Innocent but still its a dear friend and I hate seeing them hurt..im sure alot can sympathize with the anger that comes with that.

[elaine567]

This doesn't really sound like a FWB situation.

 

She was seduced by an older man, an older man in a position of power, who should have known better.

She got emotionally involved, she got well above her station, so he binned her and he has been exposed essentially as some sort of a player.

 

He was never available, but she told herself she would tame him, she was special, she was "the one" for him.

She believed her own fairy tale, but she has now found out he was the wicked wizard and not Prince Charming.

[Selfish]

Oh I know I don't speak for them all but you have to agree there is rarely a good thread from a women's point of view when it comes to FWB on LS these days. Most are hurt women who ended up wanting more..white the guys are more often OK or happy with the set up.

That is because people come here when they are hurting and reaching out. Forums are not a good rule to judge every situation by because generally only when things have gone wrong do people wind up here. People don't have an awesome FWB situation, seek out a relationship help forum, and then post about how awesome it is. They may come with an update if they previously had issues. But, you get my point.

 

The risk with FWB is that either side, male or female, can fall in love. I know guys and girls that this happened to and were hurt. And others who moved on.

[Selfish]

This doesn't really sound like a FWB situation.

 

She was seduced by an older man, an older man in a position of power, who should have known better.

She got emotionally involved, she got well above her station, so he binned her and he has been exposed essentially as some sort of a player.

 

He was never available, but she told herself she would tame him, she was special, she was "the one" for him.

She believed her own fairy tale, but she has now found out he was the wicked wizard and not Prince Charming.

I agree. This is being played.

[somedude81]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

I do believe that it's very important to be honest to the person you are in a FWB with and not to give hints about some supposed future.

 

It seems like it would be a complicated situation of what to do if one of the persons involved develops feelings for the other. Once again, I believe honesty is best.

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

[WomenWubber]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

I do believe that it's very important to be honest to the person you are in a FWB with and not to give hints about some supposed future.

 

It seems like it would be a complicated situation of what to do if one of the persons involved develops feelings for the other. Once again, I believe honesty is best.

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

 

Testosterone injections?

[Danda]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

I do believe that it's very important to be honest to the person you are in a FWB with and not to give hints about some supposed future.

 

It seems like it would be a complicated situation of what to do if one of the persons involved develops feelings for the other. Once again, I believe honesty is best.

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

 

I believe that yes there are, but then those things could make the sex less enjoyable. This is mostly hypothetical speculation from me, but also based on lots of stories I have heard from other women, too.

 

Like if you deliberately spend as little time as possible talking, refuse to get to know each other as much as possible, no cuddling, the one who traveled leaves immediately after both parties get their orgasm, etc.

 

But to me that just sounds like it would be terribly awkward and not very enjoyable. I've only ever been aroused by a whole chemistry package which includes personality and whatnot, not just looks. If it's just looks then I could just as enjoyably look at some porn and masturbate, really. I like interaction, I like feeling chill and comfortable with a person if I am going to be sexual with them. I want to be able to share some funny stories, even if just funny sex-themed ones, know each other well in every way that could be sexually relevant at least, etc.

 

I would also feel a little weird if I had a FWB and then just left right away every time without any conversation at all, like I'd feel like they couldn't actually stand to be around me or something and it would hurt the attraction for me.

 

When I attempted a casual encounter recently, when we were done trying to get him off, he sat on the steps and had a cigarette with me and we chatted a bit. I liked that. You know like actually having the FRIEND in FWB and not just "benefits from a body with a pulse".

 

Then I think there's also a weird sort of 'caring about you' streak I get. Like if I genuinely enjoy pleasuring a guy, it's because on at least some level I care about how he feels and thus want him to feel good. I'd be emotionally safer if I didn't give a damn how he feels, but then I'd have no real desire to pleasure him, either.

 

And then lastly, I don't really understand romantic love outside of intellectualized definitions. I love my friends dearly, and I also enjoy having orgasms. I can be friends with a guy and love him that way, but then maybe I also find him sexually attractive. So then it's like I see him as a friend and would also like to fool around with him. But how would actually being in love be different? I have no idea, to be honest. Again I can intellectualize it. Like a relationship is different because you don't have sex with other people guaranteed. But that doesn't explain the feelings behind it, and then what about polyamorous couples? So I don't know. But I think maybe for women like me who haven't figured out the line in the sand between a friend you love and want to ****, and someone you are in love with, we are at a really high risk of getting attached.

[TouchedByViolet]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

I do believe that it's very important to be honest to the person you are in a FWB with and not to give hints about some supposed future.

 

It seems like it would be a complicated situation of what to do if one of the persons involved develops feelings for the other. Once again, I believe honesty is best.

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

 

At the core of a FWB relationship is a fundamental inability to see yourself exclusively long term with a particular person. Whether it's physical, emotional, circumstantial or whatever. Just be real as to why this was a FWB arrangement to begin with. If things change and you can see yourself long term than say something and see if the other person feels the same way. Don't confuse comfort and pleasure with long term potential either. Respect and fun is what it is about.

[Ruby Slippers]

During a cynical period, I had FWBs at two different times. I was 100% clear up front that it was just for fun, affection, and sex. But both of them eventually told me they were developing feelings and wanted more, so I had to end it. I was cool with the arrangements as they were, but eventually they weren't.

 

Now I avoid any kind of casual involvements, because deep down, male or female, I think most people don't feel good about being used for physical enjoyment with not much of a deeper connection.

[Danda]

During a cynical period, I had FWBs at two different times. I was 100% clear up front that it was just for fun, affection, and sex. But both of them eventually told me they were developing feelings and wanted more, so I had to end it. I was cool with the arrangements as they were, but eventually they weren't.

 

Now I avoid any kind of casual involvements, because deep down, male or female, I think most people don't feel good about being used for physical enjoyment with not much of a deeper connection.

 

That's something that I don't understand, though, if anyone wants to elaborate?

 

Like I don't understand how someone could feel used if they are getting what they want out of the arrangement, as well.

 

Not to sound terribly aloof, but just as a really blunt comparison, if I spend $5 on a meal, I don't feel like the diner "used" me for my $5, and I don't think the diner feels like I "used" them for their food. Know what I mean?

 

So if two people are both getting sexual satisfaction from each other, then how can they feel used?

 

And if one person is not getting sexually satisfied, then why keep the FWB arrangement?

 

Now I understand if one person falls in love or whatever, but aside from that, I don't understand how someone would feel used?

[Ruby Slippers]

Now I understand if one person falls in love or whatever, but aside from that, I don't understand how someone would feel used?

The guy who told me one morning he was falling in love with me got very upset when I broke it off, and accused me of "using" him. It's easy to see with hindsight that he was infatuated and hoping for more. I think it's too easy for one of the people to get attached like this, and it's natural that it happens. So for that reason, I learned to avoid the risk entirely.

[Omei]

I've had my Fwb for 2 months now and I don't think about him daily nor do I text to chat.

 

He has a kid(I don't want to do the ex thing) he doesn't want to get married(I do) he isnt romantic(I am) only contact each other when we have the itch and he doesn't even spend the night so there ain't no holding each other in bed all night long or cuddling the only time we touch is sex and we dont kiss at all (so no private moments together)everytime I do think about him I think about how hes everything opposite of what I want so there's no way id ever enter anything unless he changed.

 

I think having a good Fwb should be with someone you couldnt possibly date but just find attractive, and a really good thing to consider doing is not hanging out with them at all beyond the sex.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Omei

[Danda]

The guy who told me one morning he was falling in love with me got very upset when I broke it off, and accused me of "using" him. It's easy to see with hindsight that he was infatuated and hoping for more. I think it's too easy for one of the people to get attached like this, and it's natural that it happens. So for that reason, I learned to avoid the risk entirely.

 

Well that's unfortunate but he was in the wrong, in my opinion. You did not "use" him at all, and he should have taken more responsibility for his emotions (for his own sake) instead of projecting that responsibility onto you.

 

I can understand why you avoid the risk, though. You can intellectually understand 100% that the other person is responsible for handling their emotions appropriately, but if you are an empathetic person then it still blows big time when they get upset, even if it's not your fault. So I can understand your perspective, for sure.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So if two people are both getting sexual satisfaction from each other, then how can they feel used?

 

And if one person is not getting sexually satisfied, then why keep the FWB arrangement?

 

Now I understand if one person falls in love or whatever, but aside from that, I don't understand how someone would feel used?

 

Yeah, I don't see how you can call yourself "used" just because you suddenly developed feelings for someone and they didn't reciprocate yet it happens all the time. Actually it's quite manipulative and selfish but hey.

 

People have a nasty habit of fully agreeing to one then hoping for another and getting mad when things don't turn out they way they wanted. How many times have you heard a guy complain after helping a woman move furniture or something then the woman doesn't sleep with him and/or agree to a date? Same deal with FWB.

[Ruby Slippers]

People have a nasty habit of fully agreeing to one then hoping for another and getting mad when things don't turn out they way they wanted.

Yes, it's all too common that people get hurt in these situations, and that can lead to drama. I'm sure some people have good boundaries and can handle it. I felt that I was handling it fine from my side, keeping things positive and enjoyable. But I think most people are going to have problems with it eventually.

[Danda]

Yeah, I don't see how you can call yourself "used" just because you suddenly developed feelings for someone and they didn't reciprocate yet it happens all the time. Actually it's quite manipulative and selfish but hey.

 

People have a nasty habit of fully agreeing to one then hoping for another and getting mad when things don't turn out they way they wanted. How many times have you heard a guy complain after helping a woman move furniture or something then the woman doesn't sleep with him and/or agree to a date? Same deal with FWB.

 

That just seems weird to me, though. The reason I am attracted to the idea of FWB is in order to avoid feelings of anger, bitterness, regret and so on.

 

It's like.. If I really respected and cared for someone, and trusted them, and they 'fall from grace' in my eyes, that is so ****ing painful for me. I mean yeah the other types of hurt feelings and so on suck, too, but that is the worst part. I hate the feeling of hating someone, it's the worst thing ever. But I'm never going to hate someone I never loved. To me that's the beauty of a FWB thing. I wouldn't hold them to very high standards (not to imply they couldn't be capable by default, but) and so I'd never have to experience that. Not sure why someone would set themselves up to feel that way almost guaranteed when it's such a ****ty feeling.

[ascendotum]

Love is worth the hurt lust is not she wanted love yet she settled for his attention and to let him use her body because he knew exactly what to say to give her hope. Im sorry but I am going to shake my head at this situation cause its sad. Its not the same as a normal break up she never got the affection she craved agreed she brought this on herself im not saying she didn't but nows not the time for me to even think of saying anything like that to her..

 

For lots of women a pseudo relationship with a guy that's better than they would get for a proper committed relationship is better than the latter often. Yes they get the disappointment but they also get the excitement & chemistry they crave.

Many women also get sucked into them, as the nature of the guys intentions/expectations will be vague at the start, plus many of these women will hope to win him over, and as I've had a few women admit to me over the years there is something about the challenge of trying to tame a wild boy/player that inspires them as well. Sometimes people I think blur f-buddy with fwb. To me a proper fwb arrangement has an agreement upfront, not that it will stop the woman often from wanting to try steer it in another direction. lol Some women will regret it, but most I know IRL don't seem to. It depends on the woman on how they can handle their emotions, and maybe also if they had a bad experience with it where the guy just treated them less special, more as a f-buddy when he's in the mood.

 

I think the dating scene has been hijacked a bit by men over the last 20 yrs with the rise of the FWB. Lots of guys now want their share of the NSA action. From a guy's perspective it can be tricky to pull off if you want o give the woman a truly great sexual experience as to do that its ideal to have a certain level of intimacy, yet that will create strong feelings that will make her want more out of the relationship.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Good stuff in this thread.

 

I do believe that it's very important to be honest to the person you are in a FWB with and not to give hints about some supposed future.

 

It seems like it would be a complicated situation of what to do if one of the persons involved develops feelings for the other. Once again, I believe honesty is best.

 

BTW, are there any things one can do to try and avoid developing feelings for somebody they are regularly having sex with?

 

Ha, if we knew the answer to that, Loveshack's traffic would be down 40%.

 

Of course the obvious solution would be to just make your relationship purely sex based. To revive one of my favorite terms from the 70s, a "zipless f*k", if you will. However that leaves a lot to be desired as many people (male and female) aren't so emotionally closed off as to really be able to enjoy sex with absolutely zero connection whatsoever. But barring ensuring your encounters are little more than a brief romp.....

 

1) Don't become FWB with someone you already have romantic feelings for, no matter how small. A lot of people (women especially) become FWB in the hopes of it leading to "something more". Yet as we've seen, that rarely pans out, so just don't even attempt it.

 

2) Date people. It can be very easy to start seeing an FWB as a potential mate if you're not seeing anyone else so don't stop going out or asking people out just because you're having regular sex with someone else.

 

3) Isolate the relationship and keep the arrangement to yourself. Discussing your FWB with friends has lead to more "Wait, DO I have feelings for this person" crisis of conscious than anything else I've ever seen. It invites too many questions and opinions you neither need nor want. Friends and family have a terrible habit of trying to convince you there's something more or shame you when you say there isn't so just don't discuss it in any capacity.

 

4) Don't go become FWBs with someone who has strong potential of becoming a long term mate. Even if you follow step 1 to the letter and only choose FWB you don't already have feelings for, people have a tendency to select FWBs based loosely on criteria they already have for a potential mate.

 

- Basically, if you're into blondes who like science and comic books, don't be FWB with blondes who like science and comic books. You may start off having zero feelings for them but since they already fit part of the bill for what you would like in a long term partner, you're setting yourself up to potentially fall for them.

 

5) Occasionally (or regularly, if need be) remind yourself of WHY the person you're sleeping with is an unsuitable long term mate. Maybe they're super high maintenance or have anger issues. Maybe you don't have much in common or they're still hung up on their middle school crush. Whatever the case, don't lose sight of why a serious relationship wouldn't be a good idea; and if you can't find any reasons, consider putting an end to the arrangement.

Edited December 9, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[isisisweeping]

I think FWB is fine as long as both parties are completely honest and don't harbor hopes for something more.

 

If you even let it seem a little bit like there's a future with the person maybe to keep the benefits you get from the arrangement going, you're an arse. (male or female) No fair to give false hope.

 

I've seen friends (male and female) not hurt in a FWB situation and I've seen friends (male and female) hurt in one. The difference seems to be how openly honest both parties are.

[isisisweeping]

I think FWB is fine as long as both parties are completely honest and don't harbor hopes for something more.

 

If you even let it seem a little bit like there's a future with the person maybe to keep the benefits you get from the arrangement going, you're an arse. (male or female) No fair to give false hope.

That's when a person is used. If someone is leading them on with the idea of something more.

 

I've seen friends (male and female) not hurt in a FWB situation and I've seen friends (male and female) hurt in one. The difference seems to be how openly honest both parties are.

[TigerLilly78]

My friend is depressed her fb has been bleak today*sigh* I am glad in a way I started this thread least the subject can be discussed and maybe give some more insight before they choose to get into a FWB type situation..

[MrNate 2.0]

I like the advice here.

 

Also, when a man relegates you to FWB, you're usually not moving from that spot at all.

 

 

If he wanted to make you his gf, he would have done so already.

[somedude81]

Great post Hydra.

Ha, if we knew the answer to that, Loveshack's traffic would be down 40%.

 

Of course the obvious solution would be to just make your relationship purely sex based. To revive one of my favorite terms from the 70s, a "zipless f*k", if you will. However that leaves a lot to be desired as many people (male and female) aren't so emotionally closed off as to really be able to enjoy sex with absolutely zero connection whatsoever. But barring ensuring your encounters are little more than a brief romp.....

 

 

Danda wrote about a situation like that, "Like if you deliberately spend as little time as possible talking, refuse to get to know each other as much as possible, no cuddling, the one who traveled leaves immediately after both parties get their orgasm, etc."

 

I agree with her that the idea of doing that is really lame.

 

I believe that's what makes the difference between FWB and a booty call. With a FWB your supposed to actually be friends, so talking and getting to know each other is fine. Heh, I just thought of another thing that FWB can stand for, Fu*king With Buddies

 

The worst thing about leaving once the sex is done is that it doesn't allow for morning sex. There is nothing better than being still groggy from sleep and having a hot girl blow me.

 

1) Don't become FWB with someone you already have romantic feelings for, no matter how small. A lot of people (women especially) become FWB in the hopes of it leading to "something more". Yet as we've seen, that rarely pans out, so just don't even attempt it.

 

I agree 100%. Becoming a FWB with a guy you like, hoping that he will start to like you back is just asking for trouble.

 

Also if a girl already likes somebody, then her feelings are just going to increase from having sex with him.

 

2) Date people. It can be very easy to start seeing an FWB as a potential mate if you're not seeing anyone else so don't stop going out or asking people out just because you're having regular sex with someone else.

 

Yeah that makes sense. Your FWB can't be your only contact to the other gender.

 

3) Isolate the relationship and keep the arrangement to yourself. Discussing your FWB with friends has lead to more "Wait, DO I have feelings for this person" crisis of conscious than anything else I've ever seen. It invites too many questions and opinions you neither need nor want. Friends and family have a terrible habit of trying to convince you there's something more or shame you when you say there isn't so just don't discuss it in any capacity.

 

I've got no experience with this, but it does sound like great advice, especially for women.

 

4) Don't go become FWBs with someone who has strong potential of becoming a long term mate. Even if you follow step 1 to the letter and only choose FWB you don't already have feelings for, people have a tendency to select FWBs based loosely on criteria they already have for a potential mate.

 

- Basically, if you're into blondes who like science and comic books, don't be FWB with blondes who like science and comic books. You may start off having zero feelings for them but since they already fit part of the bill for what you would like in a long term partner, you're setting yourself up to potentially fall for them.

 

In other words, it would be a horrible idea for me to be FWB with Felicity from Arrow. I'd quickly fall for her.

 

So that's good advice.

 

5) Occasionally (or regularly, if need be) remind yourself of WHY the person you're sleeping with is an unsuitable long term mate. Maybe they're super high maintenance or have anger issues. Maybe you don't have much in common or they're still hung up on their middle school crush. Whatever the case, don't lose sight of why a serious relationship wouldn't be a good idea; and if you can't find any reasons, consider putting an end to the arrangement.

 

Once again more good advice. Your post should be stickied, but then it would cut Loveshacks revenue by 50%, so it can't be common knowledge. Oh well.

[Anderlie]

I agree with the others, not really a FWB arrangement as described by the OP so of course feelings were going to be hurt. I can only speak for myself but I've had successful arrangements before and they all ended very well. The last one I had was actually really fun and nice, I broke it off when I met my now-husband and it was a really nice and supportive breakup.

 

I guess why we worked is because he was honest with me from the get-go about not wanting a relationship. I didn't want one either so that was fine, we'd occasionally check in with each other to make sure nobody caught feelings and that worked out fine. Two other important things were that I liked the guy but I knew I didn't like him enough to want to date him (he would have annoyed the crap out of me in an ongoing dose) and he always treated me with respect. We'd chat during the week as friends and often we'd go on fun little dates, I was always welcome to stay the night whenever I visited and we'd have coffee in the morning.

 

It takes a certain type of person to pull off being FWBs, they have to be honest to the point of brutality yet still respectful and an actual friend - not for the faint hearted.