Afool4him Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Hey again to all my stong people! This is pretty much an update on my situation. For a refresher u can go back to my December 1st post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t52374/ Anyway, my ex still lives with this chick...Back info...we were together for 6.5 yrs, living together for 2.5 years. He calls me almost everyday, sometimes 4-5 times a day. He has cried on the phone telling me how much he regrets what he did, how he would have done it differently, how he wishes he could take it all back. This is along with how much he misses me, loves me, is still in love with me, how he tried to prove to himself that he could live without me but he realizes he can't. He calls me today bashing his new "girl" calling her a bi**h. I told him not to say that about her, because I was given advice to not bash the exes new girl in front of him. I have explained to him actions speak louder than words and his actions are not showing anything. He told me that he is basically "trapped" in the situation he is in cause she takes all of his money and he has no money to actually get his own place. Plus, he is on parole & can't keep switching locations. He is, deep down inside, a great guy. I have explained to him that I AM NOT waiting for him, that if he waits to long he might completely lose me forever. He told me that he is aware of that & thinks about me everyday. He told me that instead of me kicking him out, I should have suggested counseling...Too little, too late. My question: How do I know he is sincere? He has nothing to gain from being nice to me, he could just leave me alone if he really didn't care. People may say he is just trying to hold onto me cause he knows, or just in case, it may not work out with this new girl, but if it doesn't work out with her DOES IT MEAN WE ARE MEANT TO BE? ANOTHER QUESTION: HOW DO I KNOW HE IS THE ONE? ANY HELP WOULD BE SOOOOO APPRECIATED, I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE HONEST, SMART & CARING! Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 I tend to be an all-or-nothing type of person but this: Originally posted by Afool4him I have explained to him actions speak louder than words and his actions are not showing anything. ..is all you need to focus on, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by Afool4him I have explained to him actions speak louder than words and his actions are not showing anything. He told me that he is basically "trapped" in the situation he is in cause she takes all of his money and he has no money to actually get his own place. Plus, he is on parole & can't keep switching locations. He is, deep down inside, a great guy. I have explained to him that I AM NOT waiting for him, that if he waits to long he might completely lose me forever. He told me that he is aware of that & thinks about me everyday. He told me that instead of me kicking him out, I should have suggested counseling...Too little, too late. Deep down everybody might be a great guy / girl. The fact is he has done too little to preserve his greatness, and now he finds himself in a rotten situation he is hoping you are willing to drag him out of the misery he has gotten himself into. Telling you he is aware of things but not doing a thing to improve his life and to get rid of the "b*tch", a way of speaking of a woman which is a warning sign itself, can only be interpreted as a sign that he prefers this self-inflicted misery, or lacks the strength to improve his situation. Both would be dealbreakers for a restoration of a relationship with you. My question: How do I know he is sincere? He has nothing to gain from being nice to me, he could just leave me alone if he really didn't care. People may say he is just trying to hold onto me cause he knows, or just in case, it may not work out with this new girl, but if it doesn't work out with her DOES IT MEAN WE ARE MEANT TO BE? Like I said before, he might think he has something to gain from you by being nice to you. As long as he does nothing to prove the value of his words, his words are just that: words. You might even be a back-up plan if things don't work out with her. He had you once, and there were reasons the two of you broke up. ANOTHER QUESTION: HOW DO I KNOW HE IS THE ONE? ANY HELP WOULD BE SOOOOO APPRECIATED, I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE HONEST, SMART & CARING! You would know. If you ask the question itself, you already have doubts. If he was the one for you, you would not have broken up with him in the first place, and he would not be in this situation too. Be a smart girl, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
blackendangel13 Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 I agree. You need to let him go. We all may think that our exs have no reason to be nice to us and nothing to gain, but its not true. Especially if they mistreated you. They may be nice to feed their ego and make themselves feel better about how they treated you, or (as I think may be the deal here) he is trying to keep you hanging on as a last resort. I gave up contact with my ex of 1.5 years and after he realized I was serious he started going out of his way to contact me and tried being nice. This was because everyone around me knew how poorly he treated me and what a piece of s*** he was. I think you need to leave him with what he left you with... nothing. You will find someone better who doesn't have to resort to playing with your emotion to feel good about himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 My XBF did the same thing to me. While we were dating, he had an XGF whom he dated for 7 years and lived with for two years of the time they dated. He called that XGF often, usually whenever he and I had an argument. I'm sure he would bash me in front of her. He probably told her that I was a B*tch and he wanted to leave me. Well eventually, I left him. I didn't like him talking negative about me with his XGF. He told me the XGF was his new BEST FRIEND. After I left him, he started dating someone else. Now I'm the XGF, he comes to me and bashes his new GF to me. He aplologizes for the way he treated me and wishes he could reverse it all. He is certain that his new GF is not the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. But he wants me to WAIT, until he resolves things with her before he and I can start over. Well, I haven't been actually waiting for him. But it was four months ago when he told me all this. Since then, he still calls me and complains to me about the new GF. All he has to do is simply leave her. But he won't. I suppose, he's waiting for her to get tired of him and leave him the way I left him. And if this pattern is anything like the pattern of his XGF before me, just because the new GF leaves him, that doesn't mean that he will come back to me. These kind of men are not worth waiting for. The only way to get rid of them and stop worrying about them is to end all contact with them. They will use you and take advantage of you until YOU make them stop. Right now, your XBF is taking advantage of his GF by bashing her to you and staying with her. He's also talking advantage of the fact that you obviously still love him, and are willing to wait for him. Clearly there was a reason why the two of you are not together. Don't forget that reason. What do you think would happen if he actually came back to you? Link to post Share on other sites
heart2heart Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 The guy is very much doing what my ex husband did (we were married 10 years), and after he left to live with his OW. He too would call me, sobbing his heart out, say he'd made a mistake, he was torn in two, his head was battered, he still loved me, .......BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Yet despite saying all of this, he never lifted a finger to get out of the situation he'd found himself in and two years down the line, yep he's still with his OW! IMO, he is using as a 'safety net', incase all fails with the other woman in his life, in exact same way my ex H used me as a 'safety net' incase all failed in his new relationship. Reason he is calling you and saying the things he does, is because he's looking for constant reassurances that you are still there for him, should things not work out with his other woman. When you are giving him those reassurances, he KNOWS that you are still there for him and so he will continue to sit on the fence, try and make things work with the other woman, if they don't he knows he can come back to you and you'll take him........he's keeping u hanging on!! Best thing you can do! When he next calls tell him that he made his choice and now he must live with his choice. If his situation was as bad as he says, he'd get out of it!! I personally wouldn't be his 'sounding off' board anymore and I wouldn't accept no more of his calls, get voicemail to take them. I'd take away his reassurances totally, that you are still there for him. This is the only way IMO, when you will truly find out if it's you or her he wants to be with. If he wants to be with you, then he will find a way to come back to you and it won't be with mere words, it will be with ACTION!! Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Wow, reading back through these posts, please listen to what everyone on here on LS is saying (probably you're friends and family too no doubt), and what you know yourself as the smart girl you are and come across as from your post! Don't accept any more of his calls, move on with your new life without him in it. He's just manipulating you for his own ends. Don't entertain any more of his emotional games. You'll be so glad you did it. Link to post Share on other sites
invincible summer Posted March 26, 2005 Share Posted March 26, 2005 Amen to the previous posts. He sounds like a "grass is always greener on the other side of fence"guy. Also for whatever its worth don't date anyone on parole. Someone still on parole probably hasn't had enough time to prove they're a better person just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Afool4him Posted March 28, 2005 Author Share Posted March 28, 2005 Thank you all so much for the TERRIFIC advice. As we all know it is easier to say things then to actually follow through with them. After hearing what you all had to say I realized that you are all absolutely right. He called me Friday with rumors that he had heard about me that weren't true and that he believed. I told him that I was done with the whole thing & that he should move on with his life & I will move on with mine. I told him not to contact me anymore. He agreed. but this is the 3rd time I have told him this so I know he will call me again. This time around I will not be at his beck & call. I will not pick up if he calls me and I have changed my route to work so I don't "bump" into him. I am not saying it is easy, or it is going to be easier, especially when I see his number on the caller ID, but I have realized I am too good for this nonsense & too good for him. I know I will love him for a long time, but at this point I love myself more. We all know he'll be back, but now he has lost me for good! Thank you all for the great advice again. I appreciate all of your honesty & all of your support. I am thankful to all who took the time to reply to my post. I want you all to know, I will try my best to give you all the same support you have shown me. Thanks again & good luck to all of you in your individual situations. Link to post Share on other sites
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