Trying to reconcile... am I wrong to be jealous?

[trying2findmyway0112]

::Warning!!! Long descriptive post to ensue!!::

 

 

We've had a pretty rough marriage with it's fair share of issues and problems...even broke up twice. We're in the process now of working it out (again), I think because it's what we know, and it's comfortable, , that and because it's easier at the moment since we're still living under the same roof and neither are really financially dependant of eachother, yet. We also have two children together as well.

 

One of the biggest problems I've had with her in the past has to do with trust and infidelity. She's only cheated on me physically once, but many times over the years she's had relationships with men via text or internet that was inappropriate. Rarely did I found out from her telling me, but rather me finding out about it.

 

So getting to the point, , the last time we broke up was about 6 months ago, but we were locked into our lease till early next year so we decided to live together until we could both afford to support ourselves...put a little money away. It went really well actually.

 

Since we were separated we were free to talk to whomever about whatever. And we did. I developed a crush on a girl online, and she started talking to some guys, and both of us were fine with it, surprisingly. During this time, she also started talking sexually and dirty with two of her guy friends that she's been friends with for a few years or more. This was totally fine and there was no jealousy, cause we were separated and I had a crush on some girl. Interestingly though both guys were guys that I had found fault with in the past, , that had been an issue at some point in our relationship. The one guy quite a few times just this past summer, mostly to do with the frequency and amount she was talking to him online (he lives in another state), or the content matter of their conversations.

 

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. Nothing came of the crush I had with the girl online. Things were going better at home than they had in a long time! We weren't fighting at all. We were hanging out, watching movies and playing videogames and of course being intimate with one another, , in kind of a FWB kind of way.

 

Well of course I started falling for her emotionally and started to entertain the idea of staying together. I suggested that maybe we try to work things out or at least maybe stay together for a year or two more so she can get her degree and start her career and I can grow mine. She seemed receptive to the idea and agreed.

 

Fast forward to about two weeks ago... I'm starting to think and feel more that I want to give this marriage another shot and that I want to make it work, and I tell her this, we have a whole conversation about it, and even though she's not wanting to commit to anything yet, she also agrees. During this time we are also being very intimate with one another, doing things only lovers do and I begin to fall even more emotionally for her. Two days go by and she tells me, , "So since our talk, I've been thinking and I wanted to be honest with you and tell you that I've been talking (texting really) to the guy at the corner market...he gave me his number and I'm not interested in the guy but we've been texting...." yada yada... And I'm like, okay, thank for telling me, and I'm thinking, , well I don't really care at this point that she's talking to him but I am glad that she told me.

 

So let me be clear. We have not agreed on anything or committed to anything yet as far as being in a relationship goes. We've talked about it and have entertained it and I have told her how I've been feeling for her emotionally. Fast forward two more days. We're messing around on our phones and talking kinda nonchalantly and she mentions that she'd like to go visit her out of state guy friend (mentioned previously), and that he was offering to pay to fly her down for a weekend to hang out. Of course I get jealous feelings but keep it on the cool. I respond with something kinda sarcastic like, "yeah, you just want to go visit him so that you guys can screw around." And she responds with something like "no, I really just want to go and visit my home (he lives in a big city in her home state) and go out and see and do stuff." And then mentions somewhere while talking that he hasn't been with a girl in over a year and she'd probably give him a pity pop.

 

Over the next 10-15 minutes we kinda chat about that a little and about a few other things, and I'm in no way gonna give her my approval of her going down there and I'm pretty sure she is aware of this, but I keep my cool and am kinda messing around with her about her only wanting to go down there to mess around sexually with him. So then I say, "alright, well if it's not all about the sex, then let me read you're conversation with him and where he asked about you coming down to visit and we'll see." Well of course she said no. But I pestered her and she agreed to let me see that part of the conversation, but was very adamant about me not scrolling up or reading anything else. I was surprised and disgusted at the little I was allowed to read. It seemed from what I read that I was absolutely right about what the sole motivating factor of her wanting to visit was. I played it off and acted not to care much and just told her that "see, I was right" and we bantered back and forth for a few more minutes and then dropped it.

 

So what did I do?? I did what any jealous ******* does... I took her phone while she was sleeping.

 

I knew that they were talking dirty and that she was sending him naked pics and stuff, , and that was totally fine, , but I guess for some reason I assumed that with us being as intimate with eachother and having talks of us working things out that this kind of talk would have toned down... But quite the opposite. All the way up till the day of that I took her phone they were talking filthy with eachother and sending pics often. I couldn't believe some of the things they were describing that they wanted to do with eachother. I also read more of where they discussed the possibility of her visit. It was so painful to read things that she had just told me werent true. She even told him that what I wanted didn't matter, but to be clear she wanted him for a weekend!! It made me sick to my stomach...all of it! I felt like such a fool!

 

So of course the next day I'm overly upset and tell her that I took her phone. She's upset for obvious reasons. Long story short, she declares herself more or less Innocent, saying that she didn't know that it was an issue, that I knew that they were talking that way and sending pics and that most of the things she says to him sexually she doesn't even mean, that she's not in to him like that really and that she says those things mostly for him. She totally plays the whole innocence thing and she does so convincingly, saying we're not in a committed relationship relationship and that she didn't know what she was doing was wrong and that she's sorry for how she made me feel and that she'll stop talking to him that way.

 

So that was a week ago. As far as I know she's held true to her word of not talking sexually with him out of respect for me. I know that there is no relationship future between the two of them since he lives in another state and doesn't want children or even commitment for that matter. I also know that they have a good friendship (aside from the sexual stuff) and have helped eachother through some stuff and have been a good support system for eachother.

 

I guess I just don't know how the three of us fit together? I think I'm probably fine with them being friends if we stay married, I just don't want to worry about whether she's upfront and honest with me or whether their relationship will remain appropriate. I also don't want to be jealous and feel like I come 2nd to their friendship or that she spends more time with him. Am I crazy for thinking this could work? Am I fool for trusting and believing her?

 

Thank you to anyone who read all of this!! It's nice to be able to talk about these things and get them off my chest some...I can't talk to many of my friends about this stuff. Any advice or suggestions is appreciated!

[PegNosePete]

Am I crazy for thinking this could work? Am I fool for trusting and believing her?

Yes, you are totally crazy for thinking it can work, and a complete fool for believing her.

 

She is treating you like the backup plan. She is using you for home and stability while she is off sexing other guys. As soon as she gets a better offer, she will be out the door and will never look back. And you're perfectly happy to let her do that. Where is your spine man? Where are your self respect and dignity? Are you into cuckolding?

 

This is your WIFE man. Tell her to start acting like one, or just file for divorce. This self-imposed purgatory is going to end in a world of pain for you.

[Dontfindme]

How in the world did she convince you to trust her?

 

She's completely untrustworthy! She cheated on you while you guys were married, and now when things are more lax, she's still choosing to lie to you when the truth wouldn't have been as bad.

 

I think you're just in denial. Let her go.

[ExpatInItaly]

This marriage is already dead. You might want to give it a shot, but she obviously doesn't. Open your eyes and accept the reality of the situation - it's over.

[Chi townD]

Read Pete's post again. He nailed it and I can't really add to much more to that.

[drifter777]

Since you already are ok with her having phone sex and sexting her boyfrieds why not just let it go physical? She'll be happier and that will make your life easier. Some people can make this work, at least for a while, and you seem open-minded enough to handle it.

 

You are so close to living an open marriage right now I don't think it would be much of a leap to get all the way there. Let her screw who she wants and you do the same. You live together for convenience and maybe so you can both be there for the kids but that's it. You two make up the rules. Maybe you stay FWB because, well, why not? But you don't get involved in each other's sex life.

[drifter777]

Wow - what you have posted here is a lot different than what you posted yesterday. Which one is the true story? Why would we believe you?

[trying2findmyway0112]

Both stories are true, just from a different perspective. The other post I made was more focused on my feelings of things where this one has more to do with issues within the marriage, mostly jealousy.

 

It seems as if maybe some things were missed by many of the responders. Yes she cheated on me, but that was many years ago and we have moved beyond that. I don't really feel that its that relevant. The dirty talking and texting recently has been while we were separated, so I don't feel that is cheating or anything remotely close. I was disappointed to find that she was still talking to him the same way after I started to fall for her emotionally and we had talked about working things out, but the fact of the matter is we were still separated, so even though it was upsetting, I don't feel like she was cheating or anything of the such.

 

Yes, I'm still a little on the fence about things, but I decided to give it one more shot. I guess I am just jealous of her friend who lives in another state and am not sure if it's fair to request she stop talking to him all together, only that they don't talk the way that they were while we were seperated. I haven't mentioned anything to her about her stopping talking to her friend, so it's not like I want her to and asked and she refused. I don't know what she'd say or how she'd respond... I don't know. What do you guys think?

Edited December 10, 2014 by trying2findmyway0112

[NateGrey]

I'm going to be brutally honest with you for your own good: you are in so much denial it defies imagination. This girl is walking all over you and you seem keen to want this to keep on keeping on. First of all, she is sending naked pictures to this other guy and dirty talking him, that means she has no interest in getting back with you. Second, you don't feel her past multiple betrayals are relevant? I hate to burst this bubble, but they totally are because they set a precedent of behavior, which she seems to continue keeping up.

 

This girl tells you she wants to work on things with you, but she asks to fly down to "hang out" with some guy she has been flirting with? The writing is on the wall and you just don't want to see it. She obviously knows this and is going to continue to play you. My advice is to simply get her out of your life as soon as possible. You feel this guy was willing to pay for her to fly down just to hang? Riiight.

 

If you for some reason want to work on things with her then sorry no, she can't have this guy friend in her life in any capacity anymore. In fact, that goes for any male friends. The problem is after the way she has treated you..you forgiving her for all these messed up things would make you look very very weak. So I'm afraid you are in a lose lose situation here. My advice is cut your losses and move out as soon as you can, and make it clear to her you will never be back together. Or if you want to for some reason be with her, make it clear these guy friends are out of her life for good.

[trying2findmyway0112]

Just to reiterate, she *was* talking to this guy that way while we weren't together. I found out while I was talking about getting together and she was on the fence. So since we weren't together I have a hard time finding fault with her actions. Now if I was to find out she was still doing it then that would be an entirely different story.

 

I don't want to be in denial or naive. I want very much to see things for what they are. We both commited about 3-4 days ago to work on things and resume our relationship. She since has seemed commited and has been accommodating to my wants and needs.

 

I guess we'll see what happens fr here on out. If I'm determined to work it out, is there any constructive criticism you guys would like to give? Or are you all dead set on thinking the relationship is over?

 

Thank you all kindly for the responses!!

[NateGrey]

Just to reiterate, she *was* talking to this guy that way while we weren't together. I found out while I was talking about getting together and she was on the fence. So since we weren't together I have a hard time finding fault with her actions. Now if I was to find out she was still doing it then that would be an entirely different story.

 

I will just quote you: "he dirty talking and texting recently has been while we were separated, so I don't feel that is cheating or anything remotely close. I was disappointed to find that she was still talking to him the same way after I started to fall for her emotionally and we had talked about working things out"

 

She wasn't cheating, but you had talked about working things out, you said she was receptive. If she was truly receptive she would of STOPPED talking to him like that, but she did not. You have a hard time finding fault with her actions because of the denial.

 

I don't want to be in denial or naive. I want very much to see things for what they are. We both commited about 3-4 days ago to work on things and resume our relationship. She since has seemed commited and has been accommodating to my wants and needs.

 

If she seemed committed she wouldn't of kept talking to the dude after saying she wanted to work on things.

 

I guess we'll see what happens fr here on out. If I'm determined to work it out, is there any constructive criticism you guys would like to give? Or are you all dead set on thinking the relationship is over?

 

Thank you all kindly for the responses!!

 

Like I said, if you are determined to stay you only have one option: these guys are out of her life, for good. Here is the thing, a woman truly committed to you would have no problem doing that. In fact, a woman truly committed to you wouldn't of continued to talk to this guy at all, but I digress..these guys need to go, she isn't trustworthy enough to have male friends. I feel like once you cheat..if you are forgiven then you still lose all chances for friends of the opposite sex.

 

It is true that if someone is going to cheat they will find a way, but it is also true that there must be consequences for behavior, and one consequence for banging other people is you have to get used to friends that are either gay, your own gender, or related to you. Sorry, thems the breaks if you cheat.

[stillafool]

Please don't be foolish enough to think she isn't going to perform the sex acts she described to him. His mind is on fire for what they talked about and he isn't going to let up until it happens. She's fully aware of this. Please don't think she's innocent because she knows exactly what she's doing.