Xmas buying etiquette for a stepdaughter who doesn't want anything to do with us?

[Mapper71]

My husband and his 16, now 17, yr old daughter had a BAD BAD fight back in July. It has been nearly 5 months and they have not spoken to each other. She is 4 hours away with her mother. She won't answer her phone if she knows it's him, so calling is not an option. He has tried texting her simple things like "Happy Thanksgiving" and "We got new kittens" (with a picture) and "You should go see this movie when it comes out, I think you'll like it" just to keep the door open with no response from her whatsoever. He sent her over $100 worth of stuff for her birthday back in October and didn't get a thank you until he texted her 2 days later "Did you get my present"? She responded with a simple "Yes thanks". The most she's said to him in 5 months. He texted her Happy Birthday and got no response from her, however I texted her Happy Birthday and she got right back to me and we texted each other a few more times. She is not upset with me, but with him.

 

Now it's Christmas and once again he is loading up on presents for her and has asked what I'M going to get her. Um, can't you just say these are from us? Why do you need to segregate your presents? I really don't want to get her anything. She isn't going to say thank you unless prompted. I just am not one who gets excited for Xmas in general. I hate coming up with something to get someone...especially someone who I don't see, but feel obligated to get for.

 

I must get this hatred for gift buying and Xmas in general from my mom. She is so not into it that every year she tells me to pick out a gift box of cheese from the same place and buy it for ourselves and she'll reimburse us the money!

[stillafool]

Can't you just tell your husband you aren't buying her anything because she never says thank you for gifts?

[Mapper71]

Yeah but then he goes "Well I just want her to know we are thinking about her and keeping the door open. He added "It would be nice if you gave her something separate from me so she knows you put some thought into it". Really? She has never once in her life put any thought into anything for us. On the extremely rare occasion she did get either of us anything it was an afterthought at the mall after she got everything she wanted for herself and then picked up a pair of socks for us! You know damn well she won't be getting us anything, not even a hand drawn picture, but we should definitely go out of our way to spend a huge amount on her? I remember one year I told him I'd get her a $25 gift card to a store and he goes "Oh come on! Get her at least $50"! Why? So she can be ungrateful for $50 instead of $25?

[dreamingoftigers]

I've missed these threads complaining about your step-daughter.

 

Maybe you should get her a $25 gift card and put it in a Christmas card apologizing for the contemptual way you've treated her.

 

You know, the back-stabbing and all.

 

And then you can realize that you are her "step-mother" and that she isn't your junior high rival so using the excuse "well she never......or well she always" is reasoning best left behind with your step-daughter's age group.

[d0nnivain]

She's a kid. Be the bigger person. Get her an Amazon gift card or send her cash if you can't think of anything else.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If a person gives something it's not supposed to be under the condition that the person reacts in the way the giver wishes. You don't seem to have any spirit of giving so don't, but your husband evidently loves his daughter and I hope he sends all the gifts and manages to heal his relationship with her regardless of what you would prefer.

[CarrieT]

I texted her Happy Birthday and she got right back to me and we texted each other a few more times. She is not upset with me, but with him.

You have a better relationship with her than her father does.

 

Build on that and don't be the petty person that you've been displaying in these threads.

[dreamingoftigers]

Merry-Freaking-Christmas Step-Daughter!

 

Maybe you should get her a pumpkin and a Fairy Godmother. They'll figure the rest out.

[Mapper71]

If a person gives something it's not supposed to be under the condition that the person reacts in the way the giver wishes. You don't seem to have any spirit of giving so don't, but your husband evidently loves his daughter and I hope he sends all the gifts and manages to heal his relationship with her regardless of what you would prefer.

 

Really? So I shouldn't even expect an acknowledgement or a thank you unless I prompt her with "Ahem, did you get my gift"? I grew up being expected to write (yes hand write!) thank you cards to everyone who gave me something and I did it without fail no later than the day after I received it. When you can't even get a thank you (verbal, written or texted) for something, what is the point?

[Mapper71]

Merry-Freaking-Christmas Step-Daughter!

 

Maybe you should get her a pumpkin and a Fairy Godmother. They'll figure the rest out.

 

Maybe I SHOULD! Excellent point!!

[Mapper71]

You have a better relationship with her than her father does.

 

Build on that and don't be the petty person that you've been displaying in these threads.

 

But see, I don't WANT to get her anything. Just like I don't want to get my husband or mother or sister anything either! I hate buying presents just to buy presents. My feeling is, if you want something then go out and buy it yourself! I do! I plead with people "Please do not buy me ANYTHING!" You are the only person who knows what you truly like and want!

[pink_sugar]

I think it's very unusual that your husband cannot do a joint gift with you. But from your previous posts, I shouldn't be surprised. Everything about your husband raises red flags. Did he ever find another job?

[dreamingoftigers]

Really? So I shouldn't even expect an acknowledgement or a thank you unless I prompt her with "Ahem, did you get my gift"? I grew up being expected to write (yes hand write!) thank you cards to everyone who gave me something and I did it without fail no later than the day after I received it. When you can't even get a thank you (verbal, written or texted) for something, what is the point?

 

Maybe write her a thank you card if she graces you with her company again.

 

Maybe write her a not or letter. Then she can see how thoughtful it is.

 

You are really supposed to be the example here.

 

Even my nightmare/trainwreck/alcoholic/codependent parents send Christmas presents. You do not want to be the parent that makes my parents look good. Seriously.

[Mapper71]

If a person gives something it's not supposed to be under the condition that the person reacts in the way the giver wishes. You don't seem to have any spirit of giving so don't, but your husband evidently loves his daughter and I hope he sends all the gifts and manages to heal his relationship with her regardless of what you would prefer.

 

I hope he manages to heal his relationship with her too, but that's no reason to spend ungodly amounts of money on her! Let's see, a $300 guitar that never got played and sits in the corner of her room, a $300 camera that she broke immediately, $150 boots that got ruined immediately, a $400 PS4 that never gets used. Yup brilliant decisions on his part! Meanwhile, he can't pay his share of the bills, but he can go broke for his daughter who wont' speak to him or give him a simple thank you for those gifts!

[Mapper71]

I think it's very unusual that your husband cannot do a joint gift with you. But from your previous posts, I shouldn't be surprised. Everything about your husband raises red flags. Did he ever find another job?

 

He's at his same job and has been doing great. Hasn't missed a day of work in 3 months now ever since he got a new lead in his dept!

[mrs rubble]

But see, I don't WANT to get her anything. Just like I don't want to get my husband or mother or sister anything either! I hate buying presents just to buy presents. My feeling is, if you want something then go out and buy it yourself! I do! I plead with people "Please do not buy me ANYTHING!" You are the only person who knows what you truly like and want!

I was always taught "It's the thought that counts." My ex MIL is a nasty old hag, yet she still sent cards and bookmarks, small token things to say she was thinking of us.

If you truely want to be the christmas grinch, why not tell everyone you're a Jehovah's witness now? Solves the whole gift problem for you.

[pink_sugar]

He's at his same job and has been doing great. Hasn't missed a day of work in 3 months now ever since he got a new lead in his dept!

 

Glad to know things have been going better.

[darkmoon]

you title this "buying etiquette" and then say how your family never buy presents so nor do you

 

then later you say how you wrote thank you letters by hand

 

you sound torn between two options, i say do what your husband hopes you will do, just be peaceful and festive

[whichwayisup]

But see, I don't WANT to get her anything. Just like I don't want to get my husband or mother or sister anything either! I hate buying presents just to buy presents. My feeling is, if you want something then go out and buy it yourself! I do! I plead with people "Please do not buy me ANYTHING!" You are the only person who knows what you truly like and want!

 

There are some things you just do, and this is one of them.

 

Just because you hate gift giving and Christmas, doesn't mean others hate it.

 

Put some thought into it, something special that she would like. Or just go get a gift card to a popular clothing store or movie gift certificates. Not buying her anything certainly is the wrong thing to do.

 

She's a teen and struggling with issues, seems all of you have issues that feed her issues.

[Anela]

I've missed these threads complaining about your step-daughter.

 

Maybe you should get her a $25 gift card and put it in a Christmas card apologizing for the contemptual way you've treated her.

 

You know, the back-stabbing and all.

 

And then you can realize that you are her "step-mother" and that she isn't your junior high rival so using the excuse "well she never......or well she always" is reasoning best left behind with your step-daughter's age group.

 

I agree with dreaming. Your husband is doing the right thing - keeping the door open for his daughter to come back, when she wants to. It's obvious that he wants his wife to feel the same way, and to show his daughter that *both* of you want her to be in your lives, not just him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope he manages to heal his relationship with her too, but that's no reason to spend ungodly amounts of money on her! Let's see, a $300 guitar that never got played and sits in the corner of her room, a $300 camera that she broke immediately, $150 boots that got ruined immediately, a $400 PS4 that never gets used. Yup brilliant decisions on his part! Meanwhile, he can't pay his share of the bills, but he can go broke for his daughter who wont' speak to him or give him a simple thank you for those gifts!

 

Clearly he's a "throw money at the problem" type of guy.

 

My Dad is too. I resent it.

He has historically thrown money at our relationship but won't stop screaming at me publically. Guess what comes to mind more often?

 

Your husband got physical with her in July while you hid

Guess what? She wanted a Dad that wouldn't act like an ape more than a $300 guitar.

 

And now you resent her even having boots and a camera she broke etc.

 

Seriously. I rarely just tell a poster what to "do."

But seriously. Just get her a giftcard and zip it.

Stop braying at the moon everytime your step daughter has any kind of contact with her delinquent father. You have his primary attention. No need to compete with her over it.

 

Do a joint gift or jusr be cheap about it. No need for this young woman to get rejected over and over. Which IS what YOU are doing, especially by refusing to give her a gift.

 

How old are you that you seriously have never heard about what Christmas is supposed to be about: giving.

 

I for one HATE Christmas. It was the one time of year I couldn't go to school and hang out with my friends. My father was a Christmas perfectionist and he would blow up and get super-stressed. Not to mention the Christmas booze and insistance on filming it all. Ugh.

 

My husband was raised Jehovah's Witness. I thought I finally escaped Christmas forever.

Guess what? I have a daughter now.

Up goes the tree and stockings.

Presents abound. It's frigging Christmas. You get through it.

Shut up and give.

[CaliGypsy]

Really? So I shouldn't even expect an acknowledgement or a thank you unless I prompt her with "Ahem, did you get my gift"? I grew up being expected to write (yes hand write!) thank you cards to everyone who gave me something and I did it without fail no later than the day after I received it. When you can't even get a thank you (verbal, written or texted) for something, what is the point?

 

 

Sounds like she's had a tough time with the divorce. You can only be sorry later for not making the attempt now.

[rester]

I don't think the OP wants to leave the door open for her step-daughter. I think she's secretly happy she is not visiting anymore. Buying her a gift would show that she's open to a relationship with her, which she's not.

[bathtub-row]

I think, for me, it would be very important to consider what the big argument was about. If it was because he wouldn't buy her a diamond ring, then I'd say send her a Christmas card signed by both of you and be done with it. If the argument was about something else, something that perhaps your husband has some responsibility in, then that's an entirely different matter. In that case, he needs to make time and get his butt out there and patch things up.

 

I'd say that, overall, I have trouble understanding someone who doesn't get joy out of buying and giving gifts to others. It's fun knowing that someone was thinking of you and did something with you in mind. The exchange of gifts at Christmas is extra fun because it's a sharing of that joy. I think it's a little sad that you can't see that.

[CarrieT]

I grew up being expected to write (yes hand write!) thank you cards to everyone who gave me something and I did it without fail no later than the day after I received it.

So did I. But those types of expectations are TAUGHT and if there is no one her life to teach her these things, why be so angry about it?

 

Heck, my new step kids are practically model citizens in comparison, and their mother never taught them this simply act of courtesy either. I am teaching them that they have to write thank-you notes.

 

When you can't even get a thank you (verbal, written or texted) for something, what is the point?

Part of the job of being a stepmother is teaching and helping and you can do that by being gracious and kind. THAT is the point. And when the gift is given, you can politely bring it up later that one should give thanks for gifts given.

 

I'm curious Mapper, do you carry the weight of this vitriol out in the open all the time to everyone else - or is it just here that you vent your anger? Because it would seem mightily unhealthy to express this amount of angst all the time over stuff like this...