Ready to share my story...I think

[daisygirl19]

So, I stumbled across this forum a few months back and have been lurking on and off since. I think I may be ready to say hello .

 

My story sounds very similar to many of yours, with the usual twists and turns, of course. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 2-4 years, depending on how you view it. My story is a bit different as we have been best friends for about 4 years. Our children go to school together, play sports together, we are both well known throughout our community, separately and together as friends. We know each other's (ex) spouses. Yes, these are very muddy waters...

 

About three years ago, we both realized we were on a slippery path. My marriage was not in good shape and I was heading for divorce. His was stagnant and had been for some time. I will admit that part of the reason I finally found the courage to end my marriage was because I realized that I had feelings for someone else that were far greater than anything I had ever felt for my husband. My ex and I divorced, worked out joint custody for our kids and parted as amicably as possible, given the circumstances. Around this time, my MM's wife asked him to distance himself from me, as "divorced woman are trouble". I walked away from him, not wanting to be part of anyone else's marital problems while picking up the pieces of my own.

 

MM and I cut ties several times, only to end up back in each other's lives for one reason or another (although no lines had been crossed, we both recognized that it was only a matter of time). This went on for about 9 months. Eventually, we ended up in a full blown emotional and physical affair about 2 years ago. Since then, he left his wife, tried marriage counseling, moved out, filed for divorce. His wife refuses to acknowledge, she does not want a divorce, she has promised to drag this out as long as she possibly can. She blames me for his leaving, although she has no proof of the affair - and I understand this, I admit I am partly to blame.

 

There's so much more to it, but that's the very short version of my story. I guess where I am now is trying to figure out how to live with the guilt. I'm not looking to be flailed. I posted here because it seems as though many of you can relate. I'm not asking for forgiveness or looking to justify my actions. I made my choices, wrong as they are/were and I now have to find a way to live with them. MM and I are still together and when it comes to "us", we are stronger than ever. He is still my best friend, my most favorite person in the world, and the person I want to spend my life with. The transition has not been easy - we live together when we don't have our kids and his family has been very supportive of us and kind to me. I guess it helps that I knew them prior to all of this. Still, as much as we have made progress, there is still so much more to get through before we can be a "real" couple, in everyone's eyes. I know it's what I want, I sometimes just wonder how much strength I have left to actually get there.

 

Thanks for reading. I look forward to getting to know you all

[DKT3]

So, I stumbled across this forum a few months back and have been lurking on and off since. I think I may be ready to say hello .

 

My story sounds very similar to many of yours, with the usual twists and turns, of course. I have been in a relationship with a MM for 2-4 years, depending on how you view it. My story is a bit different as we have been best friends for about 4 years. Our children go to school together, play sports together, we are both well known throughout our community, separately and together as friends. We know each other's (ex) spouses. Yes, these are very muddy waters...

 

About three years ago, we both realized we were on a slippery path. My marriage was not in good shape and I was heading for divorce. His was stagnant and had been for some time. I will admit that part of the reason I finally found the courage to end my marriage was because I realized that I had feelings for someone else that were far greater than anything I had ever felt for my husband. My ex and I divorced, worked out joint custody for our kids and parted as amicably as possible, given the circumstances. Around this time, my MM's wife asked him to distance himself from me, as "divorced woman are trouble". I walked away from him, not wanting to be part of anyone else's marital problems while picking up the pieces of my own.

 

MM and I cut ties several times, only to end up back in each other's lives for one reason or another (although no lines had been crossed, we both recognized that it was only a matter of time). This went on for about 9 months. Eventually, we ended up in a full blown emotional and physical affair about 2 years ago. Since then, he left his wife, tried marriage counseling, moved out, filed for divorce. His wife refuses to acknowledge, she does not want a divorce, she has promised to drag this out as long as she possibly can. She blames me for his leaving, although she has no proof of the affair - and I understand this, I admit I am partly to blame.

 

There's so much more to it, but that's the very short version of my story. I guess where I am now is trying to figure out how to live with the guilt. I'm not looking to be flailed. I posted here because it seems as though many of you can relate. I'm not asking for forgiveness or looking to justify my actions. I made my choices, wrong as they are/were and I now have to find a way to live with them. MM and I are still together and when it comes to "us", we are stronger than ever. He is still my best friend, my most favorite person in the world, and the person I want to spend my life with. The transition has not been easy - we live together when we don't have our kids and his family has been very supportive of us and kind to me. I guess it helps that I knew them prior to all of this. Still, as much as we have made progress, there is still so much more to get through before we can be a "real" couple, in everyone's eyes. I know it's what I want, I sometimes just wonder how much strength I have left to actually get there.

 

Thanks for reading. I look forward to getting to know you all

 

You have to understand that in the eyes of many (namely your kids) you will likely NEVER be a "real" couple. Your relationship will forever be tainted, fair or not. It would have forever come on the back of pain for the other parent, son, daughter, sister or brother. These people you will never be able convince that HE isn't the reason for....

 

Also your focus of ending your marriage has been dimmed by the outlook of starting this new relationship. This can cause you to maske your true or deeper feeling that you have. At some point those feeling will have to be dealt with. This may also cause some resentment of one another. I think, no I know that often is the case were a WS will rewrite the history of the marriage and in that moment make it out to be much worse then it actually was. At one point you say, your marriage was bad and over, then you say it was feelings for MM that finally ended your marriage. In time this was it wasn't it will cause you a great deal of pain, happy or not in this new relationship.

 

Of course there is no absolutes when dealing with humans, you two may very well live out the next 50 years happier then you've ever been. Odds are highly unlikely, its far more likely that your relationship will blow up within a year of totally clearing the path. Why? These types of relationships are driven by the secrets, the stolen moments, the utter chaos that they make of your life. Its that extra element of excitement that is no longer there. Now he is your husband with a different name, or you his wife with a different face. And since you two have shown poor coping skills, its highly likely that one or both will search out that excitement from another.

 

Again no absolutes, but you need to understand what your really going to face moving forward.

Edited December 8, 2014 by DKT3

[darkmoon]

i know a once-secret couple whose affair (both married to others) ended in a great marriage, they agreed to try it and it worked

 

it is the kids, now in their late twenties - who are no longer really kids - that cause problems, hard on the step-parent (nasty emails, back-biting)

r

i find these grown-up non-kids doing this to be preposterous, tantrumy, but their mother crucially does not, this can cause friction, be aware of this, imho

Edited December 8, 2014 by darkmoon

[bathtub-row]

Don't put yourself in the position of acting guilty, or apologizing. The truth is, your past marriages had serious problems. If they didn't, none of this would've happened. Maybe you could've gone about it in another way but you can't turn back the clock. Stay firm in your commitment to one another and keep your heads held high.

[jellybean89]

The foundation of your 'relationship' is built on lies, deceit and disrespect.

 

I highly doubt there will be a happily ever after here.

 

He isn't divorced. You jumped from marriage into affair..and even admit the affair was the reason for the divorce. Bad, bad move.

 

Both of you will have negative reaction from 'society'/your community. You will be known as the home-wrecker/mistress/other woman --- the woman who had an affair with a married man. That reputation will follow you for quite a while. There is another poster here who is 5 years out from the affair and she is still shunned by her community.

 

Best thing to do - break all contact with him and let him deal with his marriage/divorce. BOTH of you need time to access what you did in your marriages, why you chose affair vs divorce and what you need to do to fix what is broken inside of each of you.

 

IF it is 'meant to be', you both can start again in a healthy manner. I have a feeling that with time and space, both of you will realize you can't be in a healthy relationship with each other.

[GirlStillStrong]

It's kind of too late for guilt, dontcha' think? I mean, look, guilt has a function, it serves a purpose, which is to PREVENT you from doing certain things, like sleeping with someone other than your husband. Now that it's done, what's the point? And anyway, are you sure it's guilt and not regret you are feeling? Because loverboy is still married, right?

[the_artist_1970]

I really think you two could make a great marriage, but what is the reason you don't have your kids. That hurts my heart to think that a mother doesn't have her kids and is happy with a man she gave up everything for. I cannot imagine not having my kids. I know MM is your best friend/lover and everything you want but maybe part of the reason you are feeling guilty is you sacrificed your kids for him. No man is worth that no matter how great you think he is. Remember that no matter how much you love this man he is human with flaws and humans have a way of disappointing us at times. I say get your kids. They need you, you are their mom. Nurture them the way they need to be loved. Otherwise your kids will grow up with serious abandonment issues and a whole lot of other issues that children have when their mom has deserted them.

[daisygirl19]

Oh wow. I have a lot of clearing up to do. I was trying not to make my original post a book...

 

In terms of my marriage, I was already living in my basement apartment and separated from my ex before I even met MM. I didn't technically file for divorce until after I met him, and I do credit SOME of the reason I finally had the strength to do it to my feelings for another person. I never cheated on my ex. My divorce was final before I got involved with MM in any way. I in no way hold MM accountable for anything to do with the breakup of my marriage. I did not leave my marriage to be with him or have an affair, nor did I jump from one to the other.

 

I am well aware of how I will be perceived in the community and among our friends. I struggle with this, and I know I should. Not looking for anyone to tell me its ok or try to alleviate my guilt. I know this will be a long hard uphill battle. No, MM is not yet divorced. No one can make his wife sign anything and she will not agree to a divorce, plain and simple. He moved out almost a year ago and filed. It's now in the court's hands. Not sure what else can be done on that front. In PA, we need to wait two years when one party contests.

 

In terms of my kids, I'm not sure why you think I don't have them? My ex and I share custody of them equally. I am extremely hands on and involved in their lives. I certainly did not give up my kids for any man.

 

Here is my struggle - yes, I should have walked away. I never should have gotten involved with a MM. Hindsight and all that. I will live with that guilt forever, and I own it. I'm not looking to absolve it. I know that our "relationship' is based on a foundation of lies and deceit and that it will likely forever haunt us. However, what would walking away now do? I wait until he has a piece of paper stating his divorce is final in another year? And the community, his wife, our kids, everyone, will see us a different light? I don't buy it. Whether I walk away or not, I will always be seen as a reason for their divorce, fair or not.

[eye of the storm]

Daisy, If it were me, this is how I would deal with my guilt. Acknowledge that you and he got together too soon. Treat both Exs with kindness and respect. And then go on with your lives.

 

It sounds like you were both already one foot out the door with both marriages anyway.

 

The couples where the APs ended up with each other all seem to recommend counseling. And all relationships, no matter how they started, require a lot of work and communication.

 

Good luck

[daisygirl19]

Daisy, If it were me, this is how I would deal with my guilt. Acknowledge that you and he got together too soon. Treat both Exs with kindness and respect. And then go on with your lives.

 

It sounds like you were both already one foot out the door with both marriages anyway.

 

The couples where the APs ended up with each other all seem to recommend counseling. And all relationships, no matter how they started, require a lot of work and communication.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you. I agree with you, and I do acknowledge that we made bad decisions and got involved too soon. I guess my issue is not being able to take any accountability for it publicly, which is somewhat selfish of me I think.

 

We have discussed counseling and he is 100% on board. We have a lot of issues to deal with in terms of his ex and our kids. As I mentioned, we're all very ingrained in each other's lives and can't avoid one another. My ex is fine, but his hates me and blames me for the demise of their marriage. I can't control that, nor do I blame her. Whether we have admitted to the affair or not, on some level we all know the reality of the situation.

[DKT3]

Oh wow. I have a lot of clearing up to do. I was trying not to make my original post a book...

 

In terms of my marriage, I was already living in my basement apartment and separated from my ex before I even met MM. I didn't technically file for divorce until after I met him, and I do credit SOME of the reason I finally had the strength to do it to my feelings for another person. I never cheated on my ex. My divorce was final before I got involved with MM in any way. I in no way hold MM accountable for anything to do with the breakup of my marriage. I did not leave my marriage to be with him or have an affair, nor did I jump from one to the other.

 

I am well aware of how I will be perceived in the community and among our friends. I struggle with this, and I know I should. Not looking for anyone to tell me its ok or try to alleviate my guilt. I know this will be a long hard uphill battle. No, MM is not yet divorced. No one can make his wife sign anything and she will not agree to a divorce, plain and simple. He moved out almost a year ago and filed. It's now in the court's hands. Not sure what else can be done on that front. In PA, we need to wait two years when one party contests.

 

In terms of my kids, I'm not sure why you think I don't have them? My ex and I share custody of them equally. I am extremely hands on and involved in their lives. I certainly did not give up my kids for any man.

 

Here is my struggle - yes, I should have walked away. I never should have gotten involved with a MM. Hindsight and all that. I will live with that guilt forever, and I own it. I'm not looking to absolve it. I know that our "relationship' is based on a foundation of lies and deceit and that it will likely forever haunt us. However, what would walking away now do? I wait until he has a piece of paper stating his divorce is final in another year? And the community, his wife, our kids, everyone, will see us a different light? I don't buy it. Whether I walk away or not, I will always be seen as a reason for their divorce, fair or not.

 

Hmm, this is in direct conflict of your first post. Oh well, good luck