MelWell Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Guys - I have a serious issue. I am a huge snoop! I am in a very happy relationship, and i think it has to do with my own insecurity that i'm always snooping. The more I snoop, the more I find insignificant things to blow out of proportion. If I deep inside feel that my SO truly loves me, how do I stop torturing myself - it's like I find myself SEARCHING for things and making innocent things seem like much more. I am aware that I'm just causing myself pain, for nothing - because my relationship is great. I just think that I'm so scared of getting hurt, that I want to catch it before it bites me in the butt. Help. I can't take this anymore, and I hate that I have broken that trust. Is it safer to just say "whatever happens, happens and if he's unfaithful it will come out anyways." Or should women always be "aware" of what's going on to avoid getting hurt. I don't know why I keep doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
innerconflict Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 MelWell....I am in the same boat as you. I have been cheated on before and find myself snooping on my current bf. I am always afraid of being cheated on again, and always alert for clues that anything unusual is happening. I am not proud of the fact that I do snoop in my bf's computer, and I wish I can stop. The only thing is that I rather know than not know. Link to post Share on other sites
the_opposite_sex Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 k ladies, your not alone...i'm a 3rd snooper lol i think the reason i do it is b/c my guy is SUCH a wonderful man that it's hard to believe that i could be w/ someone like him. So I would think that other girls might see that and be after him too. But that's where my trust in HIM comes into play...i have to trust that he's not doing anything about it, or doing anything AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 Hey girls - Well goes to show that as much as people are against snooping, it sure puts some answers on the table. I found out he was lying about something, not cheating i don't think but definitely lying. So i'm jsut trying to deal with that right now... so much for trying not to snoop, when everytime i do snoop i find something. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 I hear ya. I snoop in my fiancee's phone for received/dialed calls. I'm tired of either finding that she's made/recieved calls she knows I'd say something about (exboyfriend who lives on the other side of the country but works with the same company she does among them), or I see that her call list is only 5-9 calls long, meaning she's deleted a few calls. She just promised a month ago that since we got engaged that she wouldn't talk to her ex so much since it makes me upset. I know she's lying to me about it, but I don't know how to bring it up. Just had a minor fight this weekend. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like whenever we get in a fight, then she runs to her phone and calls her ex. She's also having a lot of success at work right now, and I'm not in her field, so I think she may just want some insight from this guy on her recent successes. Hell if I know. All I know is it pisses me off to no end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 Well, I caught my bf red handed hiding something from me - just talking to this girl whom id on't like and he knws it. the best is to just sit down with him let him know it betrays your trust and if you want a future together you need to trust her to keep her work. super hurt today, so i am not doing great at advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Everyone is going to lie about stuff from time to time. I guess it depends what it is. I have done some snooping in the past and dug up some good dirt. I don't think people should just blindly trust anyone, You don't have to hire a PI, but if you sense something fishy is going on then I think you should look into it further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 I did, and I found. He lied about an old friend he was talking to, and turns out they went out for drinks with another friend and he told me he was sleeping. i just got upset cuz i didn't even know why he would lie about somtehing like this, its totally random. i'm just so confused... Link to post Share on other sites
innerconflict Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Sorry MelWell about your situation. I HAVE BEEN THERE!! And it hurts like hell. It is time you have a heart to heart with your man. Rather be upfront and honest than letting him think you don't know what is going on. It maybe nothing, but again...it is better to know than not know. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 and oh if they ever find out u did snooop..man the things you hear...! been there, done that Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I snooped on my BF, I felt so guilty about it too, but if I hadn't snooped I would have never found out that he was having sex with another woman, and he and this woman were deliberately hiding it from me. My therapist said the urge to snoop is there when you sense in your gut that something is not right. I think she was right, cause I didn't snoop with other boyfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
the_opposite_sex Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by joodee My therapist said the urge to snoop is there when you sense in your gut that something is not right. I think she was right, cause I didn't snoop with other boyfriends. well anytime i had snooped on my b/f *i looked through his phone and computer*, when i felt the urge, i never found anything. I dont know why i felt something wasn't right, but i did feel the need to snoop. Its probly my own insecurities b/c i've never found anything... Link to post Share on other sites
maja Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Oh boy, and i thought i was all alone on this.... I don't quite like the statement of your therapist. Sometimes your gut or intuitions are not telling you the truth, or how are you supposed to know that they are? I was never good at knowing if they are true or false. I believe it's our own personal insecurities that make us snoop. I have been cheated on and hurt in many different ways as well, and now that I found the love of my life that treats me with lots of love and respect, I get very scared and paranoid that something wrong is going to happen. I've scopped in the past and found that he was emailing with his ex once in a while, and that didn't pass through me very well, so I sat him down and told him it needs to stop, or he can have her and her chats back, and he told me he would becasue she's not worth him loosing me. I scopped after to see if he was speaking the truth or not, and luckily he has been (i hope) or he's extra careful now and hides it well.....but even though i know his love for me is profound, I still snoop here and there.....It's all me! It's all my fault, he does nothing to show me that he's up too no good. He doesn't go out without me at all, we love being with one another so when we do go out i'm there. He is a really handsome man and he is very popular becasue of what he does for a living so maybe that is why i'm so insecure. I need to beleive in myself and then I will be able to beleive in him!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 I had a huge heart to heart. Mostly him saying he blew it that he doesn't even know why he lied to me about talking to this girl he just didn't think me knowing was that important. But when he went out with a group and iddn't tell me, that's when i truly lost it. Cried to me about how I'm not worth losing over something like this and that he knows its going to take a while for me to trust him again. Pretty much just very upset at himself for blowing it and killing the trust and respect we built the two years we were together. So now the ball is in his court, he promised to tell her to stop calling cuz it's affecting our relationship and that he promises to rebuild the trust i originally had. it'll take some time, but we'll see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
innerconflict Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Well it is a relief knowing that I am not the only person with this problem. I am not proud that I snoop on my boyfriend, but I have been hurt too many times to trust blindly. So far I haven't seen anything to indicate that he is lying/cheating. And I cross my fingers that I never do. Best of luck MelWell....I hope your bf is sincere. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I'm a snooper to I want to stop but I just cant help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arch_123 Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 My wife used to (and probably still does) snoop quite a bit. I found it hurtful, and then decided to make a game of it. Nothing to set off alarm bells, mind you, but more as amusement for myself. After she spolit a few surprises (hidden b-day or christmas presents, tracking down phone numbers I was calling only to eventually discover I was setting up a surprise party for her), she stopped--or seems to have, anyway. And I'd call her on it everytime, too. "Not much of a surprise when you snoop, eh?" "Guess I don't need to bother wrapping your present!" I don't agree with the statement "I just can't help it"--would that justify your H/bf cheating on you if he said that? Of course you can help it--you simply choose to continue snooping. I wonder if your H/bf is snooping on you thru your history or cookie cache as LS.... Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Snooping is obviously some insecurity issue, I don't deny that I don't have one. I guess I do it because I've been cheated on so much in the past and I DIDN"T snoop so I feel like If I snoop I'll find out. Am I right for doing so? Absolutely not, the statement " I just can't help it" meant I know that when I am snooping I am wrong BUT I do so anyway.. Lame excuse yep, but it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 I snooped because I had a gut feeling something was wrong, and i'm glad i did because if not he wouldn't have known how badly it hurt, how much it bothered me, etc. I had been feeling guilty, and it turns out my gut feeling was right and now he knows that there are rules when you have a relationship, a basic one meaning respect the person you are with. So its hard to say when its right and when its wrong to snoop. I mean, if my bf wanted to snoop i have nothing to hide, so i wouldn't get too mad i don't think. Link to post Share on other sites
smilie77 Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 I snooped and now I am hurting. My boyfriend of almost 6 years has a cam connected to his computer. I every once and a while see it out in view of the bed. Thought about it and said, "nah." , he wouldn't be recording us. But it is a kinda turn on. One winter night, a bunch of us were going in the jacuzzi outside. In his room I saw the cam on the printer desk that was pulled out from against the wall and was pointing toward the bed. I had gone into his room to change. I changed at the end of his bed because I felt wierd looking toward the cam. Another friend(girl) had gotten changed in their too. Btw, I think that she is prettier and skinnier than me. But I didn't say anything about the cam thing. I always had a feeling that he recorded that night. One evening when he was out, I snooped on his computer and looked under "my videos" and found some interesting things. He had porn which is fine, he had recorded us, uner a baseball cap, and one night with the lights on,which is fine too, altough I could of hammed it up abit, but what disturbed me was that he DID record record that night of the jacuzzi and on that video was our friend getting changed into her bathingsuit. She stood right there, right where he had the cam pointing. On that video he had a nice smiley face next to the title. This has been festering inside of me since then. I can't confide in any of my friends because we all have the same mutual friends. I don't want to tell him because I will be caught of snooping. He violated me and our friend, although I'm not that close to her. But this really hurts. I needed a place to let this all out. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 What he did was illegal, and is very disturbing. You were recorded having sex without your consent. For all you know he could be emailing these videos all over the net. He shouldn't get mad at your for snooping because he invaded your privacy and the privacy of your friend first, and I might add, much more egregiously. Link to post Share on other sites
Triguluous Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 i don't mind if a girl I am dating is snooping on me, it really doesn't bother me. I have nothing to hide from people and I don't mine if they want to know more about me. I am pretty honest. Link to post Share on other sites
retta Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 I snooped in my boyfriends things and computer after getting the feeling he was lying to spend time at his computer, when I went to bed at night and even before I would wake up. He was looking at massive amounts of porn and very gross stuff at that which I will spare the details. I confronted him and he didn't stop so the second time I was more assertive about my feeling and expectations and then he did stop. But I kept snooping and found he was having sexual relationships with 6 other women on the internet and one of those six he even commented how he wanted to meet her in a hotel but how timing would be tricky (because of me of course). Needless to say he almost lost me and our 4 month old son. I know what I've written makes him sound like a pure a**hole and he really is a sensitive, committed and great guy, but this whole ordeal has made my trust in him and a longtime relationship more critical. I still snoop in his computer and it's been clean for 2 months untill today when I found last night he had gone to another porn sight. I do have control and insecurity issues but at the same time I'm not a stickler, I don't get on him for stupid stuff and the whole porn thing really doesn't bother me if it's a once in a while kind of thing but judging from the past it's hard to believe that he can really do that and talking to women like he was on the internet is totally unacceptable. It's funny because I'm sure he knows I snoop and he's even commented on it indirectly and mabey it is wrong for me to be looking at his personal stuff, but I feel that if I never did he would of never came clean with me, really I shouldn't have to feel like snooping just to get the real picture of what is going on he should be a more honest person. Whats right and whats wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 I think everyone has pretty much summed up why people snoop. For a large number of people, it's because you have been cheated on (and unless you have, you can't begin to know the pain), so you snoop to satisfy your curiosity that somehow you can prepare yourself or even spare yourself the heartache of being cheated on. I was cheated on by my bf (I married him not knowing he was cheating on me). I never even gave a second thought to snooping on him - too trusting I guess. I had no reason to. We seemed genuinely happy and I thought he loved me as much as I loved him. I would never consider cheating so I guess I projected my morals, etc. onto him - thinking he would deal with life, relationships, etc. like I would. Boy was I wrong. So in the long run, I don't think you are "wrong". It's human nature to try and protect yourself from something you view as devastating (and believe me, being cheated on by someone you love more than the world is devastating). Link to post Share on other sites
thatsjustmeeh Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 I have a major snooping problem. I have always snooped with my last boyfriends. But now, I have found the man of my dreams. He is so honest and sincere.... loves God.... is so good-looking and popular... funny as anything.... loving... etc etc etc.... anyways, I am like, SUPER-snoop with him. I think, too, that technology has something to do with it because I got access to a keylogger (program that's hidden and you can pull it up and see every keystroke and website pulled up from that day). I got one, and now I have every possible password and log-in that he has. Everything from e-mail to online banking to student web to even EBay... i mean everything. And I check them all. I have never found anything. Ever. But... I always check. It bugs me and I feel horrible everytime I see my photo in the front of his wallet.... knowing that he has no idea that this girl of his dreams is secretly and decietfully snooping in every part of his life. He believes that it is polite to ask before you take something or do something (like go thru his phone)... but he has no idea what else I go though. I know he would be very disheartened if he found out. Especially since I've accessed every possible account he has. That is pretty embarrassing. I feel like a terrible girlfriend. It's a disease. It's not like I've been cheated on alot or anything, my last boyfriend of 3 yrs lied all the time, but it was all little things. Things are looking up though.... the more I check and don't find anything, the more I don't care to look. It's like, "why go thru the trouble? there's never anything juicy there..." but the urges are still there to some extent. Why do I have such a major urge? Is it because I am so controlling? Am I THAT insecure? I can't stand the thought of people hiding things from me. Is the only way to cure this, to just stop cold-turkey? Is there any theories out there to help someone with this disorder? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts