How can I stop my snooping

[secret wife]

Melwell it's great he can admit his problem but it doesn't mean it will go away.

 

I have been married 1.5 years, and my husband lies about little ridiculous things (or did, I should say) but the damage is already done. He admits he's in the wrong but the pain won't go and the trust won't come back.

 

He lied about people in his past, didn't tell me his best friend (a girl) was someone he dated and slept with. Didn't tell me he was engaged, told me he lived with 1 girl before but it was 2 in 3 different cities. He told me I was the only girl he'd been with that he met online, turns out the girl before me he met online also. He said he called his mum and left a voicemail on her cell when we needed help, but he didn't leave a voicemail. He laughed at strippers, yet he'd been to strippers and had lap dances. He told me 'dont use the word ****, I only ever make LOVE' but he'd had one night stands he forgot to mention. And tons of little insiginifcant lies which would never of meant anything if he'd been honest to begin with.

 

Now I distrust him so much, one day he had to pick up a girl for work from the airport and I didn't agree with it... although I know he'd NEVER cheat. He said he was going to work, but did go and pick her up without telling me. It all leads to distrust over stupid things... he is working to get it back. But it's difficult.

[mutton]

To summarize, I'm in a three year relationship with my boyfriend. We get along great and he treats me well. My problem is that I don't trust him. Like the post by thatsjustmeeh, I can't stand it when other people hide things from me. In our relationship, it comes down to the fact that I snooped once and found minor things that I disliked. This was after I asked him about it many times. Once I found these things, I realized that he had been lying to me the entire time. Of course that does not mean that I did not suspect it in the first place.

 

Continuing on...before I discovered what he was hiding from me on his computer, we have been through an extensive amount of fights about that subject and finding out about his lies only further pushed the growing distrust in me. For about one year, I continually questioned him on the subject. Besides the first time that I snooped, I snooped on two other separate occasions and caught him red-handed. Of course, before I caught him, he would always tell me that he learned his lesson and that he's not lying. This now leads down to my feelings of almost complete distrust of him on that subject. The interesting thing is that my boyfriend hates it that I snoop, but I catch him with something almost everytime.

 

Now and these days, he seemed to have changed. Though he tells me the same things that he used to, he seems to get less angry everytime I bring up the subject. As of lately, I've been trying to have more trust in him, but one day, when I had the chance to check up on his computer, I took it. To me, it was a split second decision and it was the first time I found his computer clean. He could have just deleted the files, but I suspect that he did not think that I would snoop anytime recently since he has always been protective of his computer as of late. All-in-all, he believes that snooping is an invasion of his privacy and that since he supposedly is now reformed, he does not deserve that. The day that I found his computer clean, I accidently left a trace that I have snooped. When he found out, he became really angry at me and my lack of distrust. He complains that I am too stuck on events that happened over a year ago and that I should be less paranoid.

 

After what happened, I did feel guilty about it and I did realize that I may not trust him at all. This is despite the fact I have been trying to build up trust in him for a while. My dilemma is that I feel guilty and justified at the same time. My guiltiness stems from the fact that he may truly have put a tremendous effort to change and I hurt him when I showed that I still do not trust him. I feel justified because he has lied to me over three times in the past about his habits. Even though I feel as if he has changed, I cant erase his lies out of memory and what is left of my distrust has swept into other areas of his life that I become paranoid of his friendships with other (attractive) women. I feel that now and these days that I may have no reason to distrust him, but I still do and it hurts his feelings greatly. When I'm proved wrong, the urge to snoop tends to become less powerful, but after a few days, it comes back at full force.

 

As anyone can tell, I'm pretty confused on how to take things. I sometimes think that snooping is a way for me to learn that he is worthy of my trust. Other times, I think it is plain wrong to do when I saw in that one instance how much it hurt his feelings. His feelings mean a lot to me and I want to trust him, but I cant. In this way, I recognize that the problem may be with me and my developed paranoia. I used to trust my instincts, but it does not seem as reliable as before. Does anyone know how else that a previously betrayed person can build up trust in other ways than having to result to snoop? especially when it is entirely possible that their significant other may have truly changed?

[lindya]

If you strongly suspect that your loved one is doing the dirty on you, then snoop away. But rather than snooping for evidence of cheating, snoop for something he REALLY won't want you to find. Old attempts at writing poetry, song lyrics - or, best of all, "the next critically acclaimed novel" are treasures worth uncovering. All the better if they've been written from the heart, during a really angsty/angry phase. Pocket, photocopy and return to their original hiding place. You'll need something to snigger about amidst the tears if it later transpires that he has been cheating on you.

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by thatsjustmeeh

I have a major snooping problem. I have always snooped with my last boyfriends. But now, I have found the man of my dreams. He is so honest and sincere.... loves God.... is so good-looking and popular... funny as anything.... loving... etc etc etc.... anyways, I am like, SUPER-snoop with him. I think, too, that technology has something to do with it because I got access to a keylogger (program that's hidden and you can pull it up and see every keystroke and website pulled up from that day). I got one, and now I have every possible password and log-in that he has. Everything from e-mail to online banking to student web to even EBay... i mean everything. And I check them all. I have never found anything. Ever. But... I always check. It bugs me and I feel horrible everytime I see my photo in the front of his wallet.... knowing that he has no idea that this girl of his dreams is secretly and decietfully snooping in every part of his life. He believes that it is polite to ask before you take something or do something (like go thru his phone)... but he has no idea what else I go though. I know he would be very disheartened if he found out. Especially since I've accessed every possible account he has. That is pretty embarrassing. I feel like a terrible girlfriend. It's a disease. It's not like I've been cheated on alot or anything, my last boyfriend of 3 yrs lied all the time, but it was all little things.

 

Things are looking up though.... the more I check and don't find anything, the more I don't care to look. It's like, "why go thru the trouble? there's never anything juicy there..." but the urges are still there to some extent. Why do I have such a major urge? Is it because I am so controlling? Am I THAT insecure? I can't stand the thought of people hiding things from me. Is the only way to cure this, to just stop cold-turkey? Is there any theories out there to help someone with this disorder?

 

Confess to him what you have been doing, ask him to forgive you and help you stop being so insecure and dishonest. You should also speak to a lawyer and ask if this is a criminal offence in your jurisdiction.

[Bunnylove]

I am addicted to snooping I admit. I feel horrid about it and I'm wondering wheher I need some professional help as it has become a daily addiction.

 

I snooped for the first time in my first relationship. My bf was deliberately winding me up trying to make me jelious. It didnt work at first but something clicked one day and I felt the urge to check up on him. i went through his wallet and pockets when he was at work and by the time i came home i had found over 30 phone numbers of girls I had never even heard of. He said there was nothing in it! He eventaully cheated on me adn i dumped him!

 

second relationship i was hurt from previous cheating and was curious whether next one would also fail. I went through his things but found nothing and I left it at that. I really felt inside I didnt need to do that and was just being nosey!

 

The next few relationships i was fine with and never felt the need to snoop but then one day I was in a relationship with someone I wasnt sure I could trust. infact i had a sickening feeling in my gut. I went under his bed and found a list of names. Numbers went up the side going from 1-50. the names went up to 34. they were all girls names and it seemed like e was making a list of girld he had slept with. my name was at number 32!!! I confronted him and he went CRAZY I went through his stuff and said i was at 32 because he remembered the other names later. Anyway a friend of HIS told me he was cheating on me a week later. I found it to be true and he was dumped for cheating AND lieing.

 

In my next relationship I didnt snoop because I felt no need to and trusted him. we lasted four years...my longest relationship to date!

 

In my next relationship...my latest one...it was the worst case of snooping I have ever had! i KNOW I am insecure sometimes but call it a gut feeling ok because i DO belive my gut was telling me something. Right enough one day i found a card from a girl going on about feelings and boundaries. he lied about her at first but evetually told me he cheated on me. This wasnt the first time though. When he met me he was already dating someone and never told me. After telling me he loved me he went and slept with her....cheating in my book!

 

Anyway i got into a really bad habbit of snooping! i guess i never truted him and still don't. I have read his journals to find he has a history of cheating and has had threesomes with girls he STILL hangs out with to this day. I had his email passwords and his voice mail codes and still do. I would always be finding something that was questionable but i couldnt always bring them up because I felt so bad about snooping! When I found that card at xmas, i went thorugh the rest of his stuff to find out more1 I told him i did that and then he sais he felt violated and felt that he has been made into a criminal! I felt so bad but i couldnt stop!

 

the worst part is we broke up about a month ago and I'm still at it. i cheack his emails and phone messages whenever i can. i guess i want to know if he is giving himself some time to moarn the end of the relationship. but I know he hasnt and only days after we broke up there was meassages from other women he had been out with. One of them saying "i'm not looking for a boyf right not but....bla bla" OBVIOUSLY he hasd been putting himself out there!

 

I cant seem to stop even thought we are now broken up. What is gona happen to me in my next relationship? I might end up ruining my next bf by doing this! but maybe I will trust him and wont feel the need! or maybe I need help!

 

I have to say though that I went with my gut feeling every time I snooped...and the stronger it was...the more determined i was to find something...and you know what...I ALWAYS did!

[Bunnylove]

Another thing i have to add is that I have scarily become so good at it! Maybe I should become a private investigator!!!

 

But seriously I am glad I'm not the only one. but it has become an addiction I think now...I know its bad for me...but its so hard to stop!

[scarlyjones]

I think that SOME people like chaos. Those people,...when in a trouble free (boring) relationship, ...may snoop, hoping to find things to STIR up some trouble. This is usually an subconcious thing.

[kicker1229]

Originally posted by MelWell

I had a huge heart to heart. Mostly him saying he blew it that he doesn't even know why he lied to me about talking to this girl he just didn't think me knowing was that important. But when he went out with a group and iddn't tell me, that's when i truly lost it.

 

Cried to me about how I'm not worth losing over something like this and that he knows its going to take a while for me to trust him again. Pretty much just very upset at himself for blowing it and killing the trust and respect we built the two years we were together. So now the ball is in his court, he promised to tell her to stop calling cuz it's affecting our relationship and that he promises to rebuild the trust i originally had.

 

it'll take some time, but we'll see how it goes.

I 'm going through the same thing with my gf. I got into her email and found she is chatting with a couple of guys. She has never done anything but it always turns out that the underlying theme of their emails is somehow related to sex. I am afraid to confront her because I hacked into her email. Any advice?

[kicker1229]

I am going through a similar situation w/ my gf. I got into her email (which I feel awful about) and found she has been talking with a co-worker and another guy. The emails are always somehow related to sex. I nkow she hasn't done anything physically but this upsets me. Should I feel upset? How many women talk w/married guys about sexual feelings? I want to confront her in the worst way but I feel guilty about hacking into her email.