Update: On my own now; how we got here

[compulsivedancer]

This is directed to the people who have become familiar with my and CompulsiveMusician's story over the last year and a half that we've posted here. Many people felt betrayed that our R, which seemed to be progressing pretty well, kind of spectacularly ended. A handful of people have PMed me to ask how things are going. I haven't really posted since Oct, so I thought I'd post an update and fill in some gaps.

 

H and I both came to the same conclusion that Tuesday in October that we both had threads posted here. We decided to split up.

 

We took our time that week and spent a few last days together, had a couple nice dinners, spent the night together. Then I packed my things and moved in with a friend and started looking for a new place. (I found one and have lived here for a month.)

 

I miss H, but when I left I realized that I was really moving out of his life. I had so little to take with me, basically just books and some movies. Over 10 years together and nothing felt like mine.

 

You know, they talk about the things cheaters say that are cliches, as if that makes them less true. So here's my cliche: I married my best friend, but we never had any chemistry. H didn't really get this because he'd never even kissed anyone else, but I knew it and chose to overlook it because I loved him as a person. When I was young, naive and a virgin, this was easy, but it got harder as time went on, and because he was so often lackluster about sex, it meant that I felt rejected sexually quite often.

 

I've always resisted saying anything bad about H on here because it's always been driven home that WSs MUST take full responsibility for cheating and any explanation AT ALL is considered making excuses. Which is why this (true) clause is standard in every explanation: I accept full responsibility for my cheating and for the role that it had in our relationship ending. However, we did not have a perfect relationship, by a long shot, prior to me cheating.

 

The reality is, our relationship worked very well all the time because I basically said yes to everything H wanted. I supported him during his education and as he got going in his career, whether financial, emotional, with career help, as his cheering section, etc. (Yes, he DOES make a respectable living as a musician, and in fact made a decent income at it while in school. No, he is not/has never been a deadbeat, and I am NOT implying that in any way, shape or form. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS been proud of him and his accomplishments, and have always looked forward to seeing what he makes of himself in life, because I think it will be spectacular.)

 

H has always been very dedicated to his career and his passion, to the exclusion of everything else, including me. For the most part, since I take a pretty go-with-the-flow approach to life, I have allowed this. Until it became clear that he did not want to have kids with me any time soon. It was already becoming clear prior to the affair.

 

When he posted here about feeling the pressure to have kids and you all told him "Don't have kids with this woman," something inside me snapped. After all, you told him to deny me the one thing I want more than anything else in my life. The one thing I told him I had to have in order to be with him.

 

I should have left him before the affair. The problem is that I didn't know that yet. The problem is that while I FELT there was a problem, I didn't KNOW (on a conscious level) that there was a problem.

 

My loneliness and emotional state (knowing emotionally that our relationship was over) left me exposed and vulnerable, and I tried to fill this space by asking to have sex with someone else. Did we ever tell you that his first response when I talked to him about sleeping with OM was "Oh, that would be perfect, because I could talk to him about it so we'd all be on the same page"?

 

When that permission was not granted, after leaving me dangling out in the wind for a couple months, I was angry and just as vulnerable and craving it even more, so I went after it anyways.

 

Intellectually, I actually thought things were going pretty well with H. Things were more or less as they always were, and our living situation was much improved. So I deluded myself and kept making excuses for how good our relationship was, while H holed himself up and got really serious about his career, simultaneously forgetting that I existed at all.

 

The thing is, when you start developing a connection with someone else, someone you have chemistry with, and those hormones start talking, and he's giving you the time of day....when you spend more time talking to than you see of your H, it just makes it impossible to get past that.

 

No matter how much I love H as a person, no matter how much our sex life improved, no matter how much better things got...it didn't make the memory go away. It didn't make the feelings or the memory of that sexual chemistry disappear.

 

And without a common purpose, we were pulling in opposite directions. In the past, I just always put down my oar and let him row us in the direction he wanted us to go, and tried to be content with that. But when I turned 30, it stopped being enough. I only have about 10 more years to have a family, and he doesn't want one any time soon. And that's just not good enough.

 

As far as separating, we decided to give it a year and see how we feel then. We are supposed to take this fall and get to know ourselves as single people, then try dating again in Jan.

 

But what we're finding is that it's exciting to be on our own again, for both of us. And while we miss each other, what we really miss is our friendship, not our marriage. It's very sad, but we seem to be functioning better as individuals than as a couple.

 

We haven't begun divorce proceedings, but unless something changes, I don't really see a future for us. And he seems to feel the same way. We still love each other, but what we've learned is that love is not enough.

 

For those of you who are upset about us, I want you to know that we are just one of many couples. We are not you, and just because things worked out one way for us, or H or I make specific choices, that does not mean ANYTHING about your relationship. While these relationships all boil down to cliches, the particulars are pretty freakin' important, too.

 

And in our case, we were too young and too inexperienced back in the beginning to know better than to just stay friends, so we embarked on a journey together that ultimately led us in different directions. I'll probably be looking for a new hiking partner, and H will probably let his music guide him for a while. Time will tell, and there should still be plenty of it left...

Edited December 9, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[whichwayisup]

Wish you both the best. Whatever the final outcome is...

 

 

But what we're finding is that it's exciting to be on our own again, for both of us. And while we miss each other, what we really miss is our friendship, not our marriage. It's very sad, but we seem to be functioning better as individuals than as a couple.

 

I hope you two will be able to continue being friends, even if the D happens.

[thummper]

Seems a strange thing to admit to, since I don't really know you, CD, but I actually had tears in my eyes reading of your marriage coming to an end. God bless you, honey, and much luck to you as you find your way and I hope that someday you'll get to be the mother you so badly want to be.

 

 

Thummper

[drifter777]

You guys took a painful, gut-wrenching route but I think you ended up in the right place. I hope you both find what you are looking for now that you are putting this part of your lives behind you.

[compulsivedancer]

Seems a strange thing to admit to, since I don't really know you, CD, but I actually had tears in my eyes reading of your marriage coming to an end. God bless you, honey, and much luck to you as you find your way and I hope that someday you'll get to be the mother you so badly want to be.

 

 

Thummper

 

It's always amazed me how invested people here were/are in our relationship. People have really rooted for us, and many people said they felt personally betrayed when they found out I'd been searching OM online.

 

That's why I think it's important to post an update.

 

While I've gotten both good and bad advice here, it's definitely served as a sounding board and a way to understand what H was going through, which makes it really helpful.

 

For what it's worth, we didn't waste the two years in R. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other, there was a lot of healing that wouldn't have happened otherwise, and we got to leave amicably. I don't know if it's possible to be friends, but it's definitely much more likely now.

[Realist3]

Thanks for the update, CD.

 

As you know I have followed this saga since the beginning, and always figured you were holding some things back. Your cliche I could have written for myself. I'm almost jealous of the fact that you have had the ability to make the change that you needed to happen. I wish you all the best.

 

I also want to apologize to CM if he ends up reading this for jumping on his case so hard.

[Clay]

Thank you for the update. Its good your starting to see the real dynamics of your relationship to your H. Take this time to heal you. I wish you both the best.

 

Clay

[badkarma2013]

It's always amazed me how invested people here were/are in our relationship. People have really rooted for us, and many people said they felt personally betrayed when they found out I'd been searching OM online.

 

That's why I think it's important to post an update.

 

While I've gotten both good and bad advice here, it's definitely served as a sounding board and a way to understand what H was going through, which makes it really helpful.

 

For what it's worth, we didn't waste the two years in R. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other, there was a lot of healing that wouldn't have happened otherwise, and we got to leave amicably. I don't know if it's possible to be friends, but it's definitely much more likely now.

 

 

****************************************************************

 

I am incredibly HARD on most WWs here...but when i read your update i felt nothing but incredible sadness (watching the disintergration of a marriage)

 

For the first time since my D-DAY as a BH and my starting to post here....i got a glimpse from the other side...there is NO EXCUSE FOR CHEATING...but reading your story one can see how one could cross ones boundries...

 

Jesus i must be getting soft...But i wish you well...no condemnation today...just sad....badkarma2013

[DKT3]

I wrote out a long post, then as I read it back there was a lot of projection that was counter productive, so I deleted it.

 

All I got is, I hope you've made the right decision for the right reasons so there aren't gut wreching regrets.

 

Good luck

[Clay]

I wrote out a long post, then as I read it back there was a lot of projection that was counter productive, so I deleted it.

 

All I got is, I hope you've made the right decision for the right reasons so there aren't gut wreching regrets.

 

Good luck

 

I did the same thing:) Just felt it was best to wish them both good luck

[aliveagain]

CD, I have to admit that your posts did cause me to trigger a few times, specially when you spent so much time talking about O/M, sex with O/M your husband wanting you to do the same things for him, posting about how long it should take to get over O/M, searching for O/M, O/M, O/M, O/M it got to the point I couldn't reply to your posts. It almost felt like you were intentionally sabotaging your own relationship.

 

I apologize for any triggering that may have shown up in my posts. It is sad to see a relationship of so many years go down the toilet but everyone deserves happiness. I strongly believe that a relationship without honesty has very little chance of survival and that you can't run from it as it always finds it's own way into the light. Having been cheated on by several women in my life, having survived an affair child by my spouse and several long term affairs, I tend to be much more cautious about dating specially when things are getting serious. I now ask fairly early on if she has ever cheated on a spouse, not that affirmation will kill our relationship but it will make me a lot more guarded and cautious and looking for obvious red flags. What will you do if a future suitor asks you that question?

 

I truly wish you both happiness on the paths you have chosen, make your love count. A wise old friend who started a building empire and has now passed on once told me "Your word is your credit card in life, don't ruin it."

[howcouldInotknow]

 

You know, they talk about the things cheaters say that are cliches, as if that makes them less true. So here's my cliche: I married my best friend, but we never had any chemistry. H didn't really get this because he'd never even kissed anyone else, but I knew it and chose to overlook it because I loved him as a person. When I was young, naive and a virgin, this was easy, but it got harder as time went on, and because he was so often lackluster about sex, it meant that I felt rejected sexually quite often.

 

I've always resisted saying anything bad about H on here because it's always been driven home that WSs MUST take full responsibility for cheating and any explanation AT ALL is considered making excuses. Which is why this (true) clause is standard in every explanation: I accept full responsibility for my cheating and for the role that it had in our relationship ending. However, we did not have a perfect relationship, by a long shot, prior to me cheating.

time soon. It was already becoming clear prior to the.

 

 

This is an issue I've always had with LS. So many broken spirits here who have been through rough situations and this site becomes an outlet for them to lash out. A lot of relationships are miserable before an affair but after years of conditioning that misery becomes normal without even realizing it. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and sometimes something like an affair Makes us realize there is something missing. I lived this for years with my parents. Good luck and be blessed .

[dichotomy]

Best wishes to both of you.

 

CD - while you resolve (probably end) your marriage...I assume you are still focusing ultimately on getting married (again) and having kids. If this is the case I can only offer advise that you spend a lot of time on how you would get to a healthy next marriage and all the steps necessary to lay that groundwork within yourself and in your choices. Sometimes people never get healthy between marriages.

[HereNorThere]

Well, if no one else is going to say it, I'm going to.

 

Ugh, that big blame-shifting word salad diatribe you've written is just another example of how you'll never accept responsiblity for anything you do. Now you come back and say you never had chemistry with CM, he was lackluster about sex, he didn't want kids soon enough, my lonliness and emotional state left me vulnerable, yada yada yada. I guess I just keep waiting for you to have the real epiphany you need, but deep down I know if you haven't had it by now, it's probably never going to happen.

 

Gag me with a spoon, again.

 

Until you look in the mirror and say, "I'm a selfish, immature person who can't handle being in a committed relationship because I'm too narcissistic and impulsive to put someone else's well-being ahead of mine. I sleep with my partner's best friends, lie until I'm caught and then find a way to rationalize it by claiming my needs weren't met when in all actuality, I really just want things my way, all the time, and cannot handle following the most basic rules of relationships and society. I destroyed good people and good relationships while torturing the people who love me the most and ended up losing everything I have because of it." You really haven't even started progressing.

 

If you really want to make amends for the lives you destroyed, don't date. At least not until you've receieved a few years worth of therapy.

 

Let CM know he's in our thoughts and we hope he's doing well. Although he will probably never be the same, let's just hope you didn't permanently destroy the trust he has in the world. Maybe you can offer to help pay his co-pays if he does decide to seek professional help.

 

Okay, I need a shower and change after reading all that. Man, it gets in your clothes.

 

mic drop

[katielee]

The thing is, when you start developing a connection with someone else, someone you have chemistry with, and those hormones start talking, and he's giving you the time of day....when you spend more time talking to than you see of your H, it just makes it impossible to get past that.

 

 

I agree with HereNorThere. Didn't want to be the lone dissenting voice. The above is blameshifting crap.

[violet1]

Thanks for the update CD. I was wondering how you were doing. I think dating and getting into serious relationships at too young of an age can be detrimental. You don't always know what you want or need in life. This sometimes causes couples to grow apart instead of growing together. Take this time to learn and grow as a person. I wish you and CM both the best!

[anne1707]

I agree with HereNorThere. Didn't want to be the lone dissenting voice. The above is blameshifting crap.

 

Another one agreeing with HereNorThere (which may surprise him).

 

CD

 

As a fWS, I know what it is like to get lost in an affair and how difficult it is to reconcile. My disappointment in October was not because you and CM were not getting through this together but that YOU still did not get what you had done. Even now when your marriage has finally ended, you still don't accept how much of this is on you alone.

 

Don't blame CM for being the man he is when you knew that who he was when you married him. Don't blame CM for the decisions you made in response to your unhappiness in the marriage. Don't blame CM for not wanting to bring something as precious as children into something as fragile as your marriage.

 

If you are to ever get past this and be truly happy, you need to finally accept full responsibility for your actions without all this blame shifting.

[compulsivedancer]

I agree with HereNorThere. Didn't want to be the lone dissenting voice. The above is blameshifting crap.

 

This thread was not posted to justify my affair. The long and short of it is: there were problems in the relationship prior to the affair that didn't go away as we dealt with the fallout from the affair. Some of the problems could be fixed. Some simply couldn't be, and they were deal breakers.

 

Unfortunately, even though I think our relationship in many ways improved during R, our eyes were now wide open to the problems in our relationship, including the faulty foundation it was built on.

 

Many on here have repeatedly told H or me to divorce. And though the tone of the posts were oftentimes very mean, the reality is - what's best for us as individuals is to not be a couple any more. So those posters were right, and here we are.

[Realist3]

Could some of you just take a break from your high horse for one dang minute? Is it that hard? Seriously. You are adding nothing to what has taken place. What is done is done. If you don't like it, fine. Just keep it to yourself.

[anne1707]

Could some of you just take a break from your high horse for one dang minute? Is it that hard? Seriously. You are adding nothing to what has taken place. What is done is done. If you don't like it, fine. Just keep it to yourself.

 

 

Seriously, could you just realise that people need to learn from their mistakes if they are to ever move on.

[badkarma2013]

This thread was not posted to justify my affair. The long and short of it is: there were problems in the relationship prior to the affair that didn't go away as we dealt with the fallout from the affair. Some of the problems could be fixed. Some simply couldn't be, and they were deal breakers.

 

Unfortunately, even though I think our relationship in many ways improved during R, our eyes were now wide open to the problems in our relationship, including the faulty foundation it was built on.

 

Many on here have repeatedly told H or me to divorce. And though the tone of the posts were oftentimes very mean, the reality is - what's best for us as individuals is to not be a couple any more. So those posters were right, and here we are.

 

 

I agree CD...************************************************** ***************AGAIN....

*******Some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten or forgiven .....Not complicated...Not confusing...THEY JUST CANT.. MOST of us here...wish you both the best...

[compulsivedancer]

Don't blame CM for being the man he is when you knew that who he was when you married him.

 

I'm not blaming him for being my friend, or for our lack of chemistry. We were both young and naive and I thought it would be enough. I am, however, upset that he showed no interest (prior to the affair) in the plans we made and the things we said we wanted out of life when we were dating. I feel like he agreed to the things he thought I wanted, then once we were married decided they weren't important.

 

Don't blame CM for the decisions you made in response to your unhappiness in the marriage. Don't blame CM for not wanting to bring something as precious as children into something as fragile as your marriage.

 

I don't blame him for this. But I can't live with it either (in the sense of staying with him).

[anne1707]

I don't blame him for this. But I can't live with it either (in the sense of staying with him).

 

I totally understand not staying if the marriage is not giving you what you need and want. The issue is how you dealt with it and now how you learn from that.

 

The learning is what you need to focus on now CD.

[katielee]

CD - I REALLY wish the best for you. But I want to point out you still have digging to do before the next relationship. Your premise is that you couldn't help yourself. I KNOW you're stronger and smarter than that.

[Realist3]

Seriously, could you just realise that people need to learn from their mistakes if they are to ever move on.

 

She did realize her mistake, and that was her marriage in the first place, and she is moving on.