anne1707 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She did realize her mistake, and that was her marriage in the first place, and she is moving on. That was one mistake. She has made several mistakes since in how she dealt with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She made a bad decision in the way she dealt with the first mistake. She gets that. She doesn't need to be hit over the head with it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 That was one mistake. She has made several mistakes since in how she dealt with that. At this point you are just piling on bullsh*t. That issue has already been acknowledged by CD. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 CD - I REALLY wish the best for you. But I want to point out you still have digging to do before the next relationship. Your premise is that you couldn't help yourself. I KNOW you're stronger and smarter than that. No, that's not my premise at all. I knew what I was doing the whole time. I didn't get carried away. Yes, there was some powerful chemical incentive, but it didn't make me do anything that I didn't willingly do. The sad truth is that I wanted it more than I cared about my relationship, and I had no idea how much it would hurt H. As far as contacting OM, I waited and waited and didn't contact him because I wanted to be with H. But at a certain point it became more important for me to have my questions answered than staying in the marriage. I agree - it's very selfish. I am far from ready to date again. I am currently trying to figure out my own life without complicating things with some new guy. I am also still grieving two different relationships. I want to move on, but I have a long way to go before I'm ready to find someone new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She made a bad decision in the way she dealt with the first mistake. She gets that. She doesn't need to be hit over the head with it again. Ok I get it Realist. You think having affairs is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. The rest of us think it is head in the sand, cruel and selfish behaviour. Anyway I can't be bothered arguing with you on this anymore. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 (edited) Ok I get it Realist. You think having affairs is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. The rest of us think it is head in the sand, cruel and selfish behaviour. Anyway I can't be bothered arguing with you on this anymore. Projecting much????? Here is what you are missing. This isn't the thread to be making your case about your beliefs. This is a long story that has been going on this board for over a year. The judgments of what took place have already been hashed out hundreds and hundreds of times. You are instigating for no good reason. Edited December 9, 2014 by Realist3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 anne1707, Instead of castigating CD all over again, maybe you/we should take a moment and learn from what drove her to make the decision she made. Whether it wasa good or bad decision is not the point at all. She opened up and said., "This is what led to my decision to do what I did." That is a learning point. Take it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 This is directed to the people who have become familiar with my and CompulsiveMusician's story over the last year and a half that we've posted here. Many people felt betrayed that our R, which seemed to be progressing pretty well, kind of spectacularly ended. A handful of people have PMed me to ask how things are going. I haven't really posted since Oct, so I thought I'd post an update and fill in some gaps. H and I both came to the same conclusion that Tuesday in October that we both had threads posted here. We decided to split up. We took our time that week and spent a few last days together, had a couple nice dinners, spent the night together. Then I packed my things and moved in with a friend and started looking for a new place. (I found one and have lived here for a month.) I miss H, but when I left I realized that I was really moving out of his life. I had so little to take with me, basically just books and some movies. Over 10 years together and nothing felt like mine. You know, they talk about the things cheaters say that are cliches, as if that makes them less true. So here's my cliche: I married my best friend, but we never had any chemistry. H didn't really get this because he'd never even kissed anyone else, but I knew it and chose to overlook it because I loved him as a person. When I was young, naive and a virgin, this was easy, but it got harder as time went on, and because he was so often lackluster about sex, it meant that I felt rejected sexually quite often. I've always resisted saying anything bad about H on here because it's always been driven home that WSs MUST take full responsibility for cheating and any explanation AT ALL is considered making excuses. Which is why this (true) clause is standard in every explanation: I accept full responsibility for my cheating and for the role that it had in our relationship ending. However, we did not have a perfect relationship, by a long shot, prior to me cheating. The reality is, our relationship worked very well all the time because I basically said yes to everything H wanted. I supported him during his education and as he got going in his career, whether financial, emotional, with career help, as his cheering section, etc. (Yes, he DOES make a respectable living as a musician, and in fact made a decent income at it while in school. No, he is not/has never been a deadbeat, and I am NOT implying that in any way, shape or form. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS been proud of him and his accomplishments, and have always looked forward to seeing what he makes of himself in life, because I think it will be spectacular.) H has always been very dedicated to his career and his passion, to the exclusion of everything else, including me. For the most part, since I take a pretty go-with-the-flow approach to life, I have allowed this. Until it became clear that he did not want to have kids with me any time soon. It was already becoming clear prior to the affair. When he posted here about feeling the pressure to have kids and you all told him "Don't have kids with this woman," something inside me snapped. After all, you told him to deny me the one thing I want more than anything else in my life. The one thing I told him I had to have in order to be with him. I should have left him before the affair. The problem is that I didn't know that yet. The problem is that while I FELT there was a problem, I didn't KNOW (on a conscious level) that there was a problem. My loneliness and emotional state (knowing emotionally that our relationship was over) left me exposed and vulnerable, and I tried to fill this space by asking to have sex with someone else. Did we ever tell you that his first response when I talked to him about sleeping with OM was "Oh, that would be perfect, because I could talk to him about it so we'd all be on the same page"? When that permission was not granted, after leaving me dangling out in the wind for a couple months, I was angry and just as vulnerable and craving it even more, so I went after it anyways. Intellectually, I actually thought things were going pretty well with H. Things were more or less as they always were, and our living situation was much improved. So I deluded myself and kept making excuses for how good our relationship was, while H holed himself up and got really serious about his career, simultaneously forgetting that I existed at all. The thing is, when you start developing a connection with someone else, someone you have chemistry with, and those hormones start talking, and he's giving you the time of day....when you spend more time talking to than you see of your H, it just makes it impossible to get past that. No matter how much I love H as a person, no matter how much our sex life improved, no matter how much better things got...it didn't make the memory go away. It didn't make the feelings or the memory of that sexual chemistry disappear. And without a common purpose, we were pulling in opposite directions. In the past, I just always put down my oar and let him row us in the direction he wanted us to go, and tried to be content with that. But when I turned 30, it stopped being enough. I only have about 10 more years to have a family, and he doesn't want one any time soon. And that's just not good enough. As far as separating, we decided to give it a year and see how we feel then. We are supposed to take this fall and get to know ourselves as single people, then try dating again in Jan. But what we're finding is that it's exciting to be on our own again, for both of us. And while we miss each other, what we really miss is our friendship, not our marriage. It's very sad, but we seem to be functioning better as individuals than as a couple. We haven't begun divorce proceedings, but unless something changes, I don't really see a future for us. And he seems to feel the same way. We still love each other, but what we've learned is that love is not enough. For those of you who are upset about us, I want you to know that we are just one of many couples. We are not you, and just because things worked out one way for us, or H or I make specific choices, that does not mean ANYTHING about your relationship. While these relationships all boil down to cliches, the particulars are pretty freakin' important, too. And in our case, we were too young and too inexperienced back in the beginning to know better than to just stay friends, so we embarked on a journey together that ultimately led us in different directions. I'll probably be looking for a new hiking partner, and H will probably let his music guide him for a while. Time will tell, and there should still be plenty of it left... You post an update. Which is just a long drawn out burst of hot air and baloney for you to justify you cheating on your BH. To young to marry yet old enough to bang the OM. Sadly all of the time you have spent here you have only grown older while avoiding growing up. And you wonder why recovery did not work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 This thread was not posted to justify my affair. The long and short of it is: there were problems in the relationship prior to the affair that didn't go away as we dealt with the fallout from the affair. Some of the problems could be fixed. Some simply couldn't be, and they were deal breakers. Unfortunately, even though I think our relationship in many ways improved during R, our eyes were now wide open to the problems in our relationship, including the faulty foundation it was built on. Many on here have repeatedly told H or me to divorce. And though the tone of the posts were oftentimes very mean, the reality is - what's best for us as individuals is to not be a couple any more. So those posters were right, and here we are. Then why are you still trying to justify you banging the OM? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Wow - we took a hard turn toward reality. Ok, my .02... In her heart, CD hasn't truly been ready to reconcile her marriage from the beginning. I believe she thought she did but it was really just her desire to keep her "friendship" with CM alive. But she couldn't do it because she never got it because she never felt it. Let's at least congratulate her for releasing herself and CM from the painful bondage that is a doomed reconciliation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Could some of you just take a break from your high horse for one dang minute? Is it that hard? Seriously. You are adding nothing to what has taken place. What is done is done. If you don't like it, fine. Just keep it to yourself. Nothing to do with horses here unless CD and you shoveling manure. What is done can not be undone. The OM can not be unbanged. CD is still currently a WW because she has not owned her affair. CD saying I had an affair is admitting it nothing more. Because CD is still justifying her cheating on her BH. SERIOUSLY can you not see this? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She did realize her mistake, and that was her marriage in the first place, and she is moving on. The problem was not her marriage ending. The problem is she did not need to have an affair before ending her marriage yet chose to. The problem is she did not divorce her BH first and set him free before she gave herself freely to the OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 The problem was not her marriage ending. The problem is she did not need to have an affair before ending her marriage yet chose to. The problem is she did not divorce her BH first and set him free before she gave herself freely to the OM. The problem was the marriage stating in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Basically, OP is saying- right from the beginning of the marriage she wasn't never truly "in it" and just went with it, because, well- it was something. She went in half-heartedly, probably due to co-dependency. Than, something new came along, and BAM- the cracks began to show. Oh well, at least you sorted this now before children and at a fairly young age. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She made a bad decision in the way she dealt with the first mistake. She gets that. She doesn't need to be hit over the head with it again. She does not get anything. It showed with her breaking NC. It also showed with her starting this thread and justifying her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 She does not get anything. It showed with her breaking NC. It also showed with her starting this thread and justifying her affair. You are so far off base. This was not a post about justifying the affair. Think about that for a minute. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Wish both you and your H peace in the future. I do hope you do stay away from the OM. He cheated with you and you will not find your peace with him. He still is not the man that CM is today or was in the past. Sorry for your and your H's pain. Be very careful with boundaries in future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Think about that for a minute. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Think about that for a minute. Nothing to think about. CD's words in the first post on this thread is her justifying her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Nothing to think about. CD's words in the first post on this thread is her justifying her affair. Again, it went right over your head. No ill will, you just missed it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I think the long and short is CD is still emotionally vested in OM and the what ifs completely killed what was left in her marriage. At the first sign of real trouble she looked for the off ramp. Yet this wasn't done before reaching out to OM to gage if it was a safe place to land. Its a delayed reaction but I really feels like this was done for a shot with OM. At any rate, at least she is no longer stealing time from a man she really sees as not on par with OM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Road, and others... You are all focusing on the wrong topic. You are focusing on how an inherent problem was dealt with. How that was dealt with you disagree. Got it. The inherent problem existed before it was dealt with improperly. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Marriages, even the best of them, at times require a lot of effort. Are you sure your taking the best route and not the easiest? I expect at some point we'll hear your husband's take on this turn of events. Don't be surprised if you're not as in sync as you say you are. Just sayin', Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Basically, OP is saying- right from the beginning of the marriage she wasn't never truly "in it" and just went with it, because, well- it was something. She went in half-heartedly, probably due to co-dependency. Than, something new came along, and BAM- the cracks began to show. That's not true at all. I was all in with a man I loved very much. We didn't have stellar chemistry, but I thought there were much more important things in life than that. My actions, for the first 8 years we were together (6 years of marriage), were all in support of H. Everyone on this part of LS seems to agree that love is about actions. Well, if that's the case, I proved my love by doing everything in my power to build him up and make him a successful man. He took that and became an amazing artist, but I only got scraps. I thought that H wanted to travel. I thought he wanted to have kids. I thought he wanted a marriage of equals where my career was just as important as his. Instead, he enjoyed having my support. He wanted me to be happy, but he left my happiness completely up to me. He did not bend or compromise when I wanted things he didn't want - like moving into a city where I could find a job in my field. Or finding a better housing situation. Or traveling. Or having kids. I went along with this for a long long time. Now, after the affair, I don't think either of us ever really managed to be "all in" during reconciliation. There was simply too much pain, and neither of us really knew whether it was truly worth fighting for. It was pretty clear to me at this point that H wanted to be on his own, but he wasn't ready to give me up to be on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Marriages, even the best of them, at times require a lot of effort. Are you sure your taking the best route and not the easiest? I expect at some point we'll hear your husband's take on this turn of events. Don't be surprised if you're not as in sync as you say you are. Just sayin', Twosadthings You know, I thought he'd be all into dating and trying to fix what we have, but he's made it pretty clear that while he hurts like hell, he's not really interested in fixing this. Link to post Share on other sites
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