Update: On my own now; how we got here

[DKT3]

Throughout CD's post, its clear she is very interested in OM and I honestly believe its was/is a major factor in the ending of the marriage. She is (as my father would say) talking out of both sides of her mouth. She says "I'm not looking for a relationship with OM" then in the next breathe she says "om is still with his girlfriend, I won't go there as long as they are still together". I think OM making it clear he has no interest in you is the only reason you haven't jumped in feet first the second you left CM.

 

CD has done a really good job of pulling the wool over our eyes this past year. CD you won't have a healthy relationship with anyone ever, until you start being honest about your true motivations behind your actions. Its all a mumbled mess, the way your telling it to us. No reasonable person would be pushing for a child this soon after a betrayal of this level. It really appears you have done many things to push CM away in order to force his hand in ending the marriage.

 

I didn't want to believe the things I just wrote, but its become so very clear.

[compulsivedancer]

Its all a mumbled mess, the way your telling it to us.

 

Emotions and logic are always a mumbled mess, especially when you try to combine them. Emotion doesn't always agree with logic.

 

But yes, it feels like a switch has been turned off regarding OM. It is definitely possible that my interest in him was symbolic, that he represented something I couldn't find in my relationship with CM.

[Trotters]

Emotions and logic are always a mumbled mess, especially when you try to combine them. Emotion doesn't always agree with logic.

 

But yes, it feels like a switch has been turned off regarding OM. It is definitely possible that my interest in him was symbolic, that he represented something I couldn't find in my relationship with CM.

Such as???

[DKT3]

Emotions and logic are always a mumbled mess, especially when you try to combine them. Emotion doesn't always agree with logic.

 

But yes, it feels like a switch has been turned off regarding OM. It is definitely possible that my interest in him was symbolic, that he represented something I couldn't find in my relationship with CM.

 

Come on CD, there was nothing turned off except him having no desire to be with you. You didn't get the reaction you were looking for when you went to see him. It knocked you off balance but nothing has changed.

 

Of course the interest is symbolic. You took one part man added three parts fantasy and created the answer to all your unhappiness in OM. You then allowed this manifestation of perfect man to kill your marriage.

 

I hope for your sake the price of this decision will be something you can pay. I fear that as the dust settles this will be something you pay for emotionally for a long time.

[Sassy Girl]

Emotions and logic are always a mumbled mess, especially when you try to combine them. Emotion doesn't always agree with logic.

 

But yes, it feels like a switch has been turned off regarding OM. It is definitely possible that my interest in him was symbolic, that he represented something I couldn't find in my relationship with CM.

 

There it is.

 

 

Just closure, eh? You know it wasn't. You were 'interested'... You pursued.

 

 

Why lie about it?

Edited December 28, 2014 by Sassy Girl

[road]

OM is still with his longterm GF, as far as I know, so I would not go there anyhow, as long as they are together.

 

 

 

 

Always posting with back door escape routes.

 

 

 

I never thought that OM and I would make a great couple, so I have never seriously considered trying to date him. Having feelings for someone and wanting to be with that person are not the same thing.

 

 

 

Yet you never would go NC with HIM. You lying then or now. Having an affair and Banging the OM is Dating.

 

 

 

 

I would rather move on and find a healthier relationship to be part of, one without the baggage of an affair.

 

 

 

 

Yet you started this post the back door statement as long as they are still together.

 

Again where are you telling the truth and lying: I want a healthy relationship....yet you state you would not go after the OM because he is not available now.

 

Why? He was dating his GF when you banged him before. Why does him having his GF now stop you?

 

You come across as being unbelievably delusional or one story teller coming to boards to spin yarns.

 

The OM has shown he is not worth having a relationship. He betrayed his GF, his friend your BH, enabled you to ruin your marriage. Yet the only reason you will not date him now is that he still has a GF.

 

You logic, value system, morals, sense of write and wrong is broken, missing, never was there to start with. If you believed your actions posted here were bad, wrong. You would of left the OM in the dust and never look back into your rear view mirror driving down the road of your life.

 

Change your name to flim flam flip flop.

[thummper]

I was not looking for a relationship with OM. I wanted to talk to him. Seeing him reminded me of the reality of who he was, rather than the fantasy. I was also able to discover that he was not wishing for or wanting me. It actually did help me with closure. OM is still with his longterm GF, as far as I know, so I would not go there anyhow, as long as they are together.

 

I never thought that OM and I would make a great couple, so I have never seriously considered trying to date him. Having feelings for someone and wanting to be with that person are not the same thing.

 

I would rather move on and find a healthier relationship to be part of, one without the baggage of an affair.

 

That's an interesting remark, CD. Does that indicate that if they weren't together, you might consider some kind of relationship with him, perhaps only sexual. From your earlier posts it sounded as though you two shared some really great sex. Just a thought.

[compulsivedancer]

That's an interesting remark, CD. Does that indicate that if they weren't together, you might consider some kind of relationship with him, perhaps only sexual. From your earlier posts it sounded as though you two shared some really great sex. Just a thought.

 

I don't think there'd be anything to gain by it, so probably not. It would just add to the confusion of everything, and continue to cause hurt to H. Meanwhile, it would make it harder to move on.

 

I think the best course of action is to focus on moving forward instead of looking back. There are other people out there who would be a much better fit for me, who don't come with all of the baggage created by our A.

[thummper]

Just teasing, CD. I can't get my emoticons to work or I'd have put one on there winking at you. You doin' ok over the holidays?

[compulsivedancer]

Just teasing, CD. I can't get my emoticons to work or I'd have put one on there winking at you. You doin' ok over the holidays?

Yeah. H gave me a Christmas gift this year, one of the first he's given me in years. It was thoughtful and something I wanted that I wouldn't have gotten myself. It hurt because I wanted to call him and tell him I loved him. But loving him doesn't change anything. Our R isn't failing because of lack of love.

 

I got myself a kitten for Christmas. He's a cutie and a delight. It helps to have someone to love.

[lgspot]

Was obvious when you and he were both posting that there was a great deal of love and affection shared between the two of you.....

[beach]

Emotions and logic are always a mumbled mess, especially when you try to combine them. Emotion doesn't always agree with logic.

 

But yes, it feels like a switch has been turned off regarding OM. It is definitely possible that my interest in him was symbolic, that he represented something I couldn't find in my relationship with CM.

 

This is where you are mistaken.

 

Emotions and logic aren't always a mumbled mess.

 

I think it's only or mainly that way when a person has had an affair.

 

 

I've had many emotions and logic in my previous 20 year marriage. Never did I feel any of it was a mumbled mess until an affair was presented into the marriage.

 

A healthy relationship doesn't feel a mumbled mess. It feels safe and secure and loving.

 

Don't confused what you know with what you don't yet know.

[Spectre]

But loving him doesn't change anything. Our R isn't failing because of lack of love.

 

It was the lack of love that caused you to break no contact with the OM in the first place, you realize this right? It all comes down to it, doesn't it? If you loved him you'd respect him, and would never of done it. I agree with you though, that, a lack of love is not the only reason this failed. But..there was a definite lack of love.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Spectre

[jellybean89]

Not sure why so many feel the need to continue to kick you, continue to analyze your prior actions, etc... as you said, it is done and over. Not much left to say except to either wish you the best, wish CM the best or not.

 

I hope the both of you can move forward with your lives and you both find happiness.

[Spectre]

Not sure why so many feel the need to continue to kick you, continue to analyze your prior actions, etc... as you said, it is done and over. Not much left to say except to either wish you the best, wish CM the best or not.

 

I hope the both of you can move forward with your lives and you both find happiness.

 

As long as the topic is open and she continues to comment on the situation..well, I don't see why you are surprised because keep responding to her comments.

[stillmind]

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by leaving CD. Both you and your stbx deserve happiness. Your life goals were simply incompatible. There's no sense in fighting for a marriage where one or both parties will grow resentful over having to give up on such major life goals (family and career).

 

I wish you both happiness!

[lgspot]

I think CD’s is an evolving story. I for one hope she will continue to post her thoughts and future steps towards her personal recovery. Nice that CM got her a Christmas gift. Perhaps these two people don’t choose to “kick” each other as a few posters seem so egger to do to her.

 

 

From the direction of her past responses, it appears to me she appreciates constructive comments and criticism as she ventures forward, and is earnest in correcting past mistakes. Certainly she hasn’t done everything “right,” but in using LS as a sounding board she learns along with the rest of us….

 

 

I wish CD and CM all the best in the coming year. Who knows where that will take them?!?

[compulsivedancer]

I just realized I hadn't said anything about what CM is doing these days. He has basically been booked solid doing networking type activities that are hard to accomplish when you have to come home to a wife, and he is already seeing the fruits of his labor.

 

We still talk sometimes. He came over to see my new kitten, which is when he gave me the Christmas gift. He has said he wants to keep being friends. I'm not sure if this is possible, but we will feel things out as we go.

[AmyBamy]

Well, if no one else is going to say it, I'm going to.

 

Ugh, that big blame-shifting word salad diatribe you've written is just another example of how you'll never accept responsiblity for anything you do. Now you come back and say you never had chemistry with CM, he was lackluster about sex, he didn't want kids soon enough, my lonliness and emotional state left me vulnerable, yada yada yada. I guess I just keep waiting for you to have the real epiphany you need, but deep down I know if you haven't had it by now, it's probably never going to happen.

 

Gag me with a spoon, again.

 

Until you look in the mirror and say, "I'm a selfish, immature person who can't handle being in a committed relationship because I'm too narcissistic and impulsive to put someone else's well-being ahead of mine. I sleep with my partner's best friends, lie until I'm caught and then find a way to rationalize it by claiming my needs weren't met when in all actuality, I really just want things my way, all the time, and cannot handle following the most basic rules of relationships and society. I destroyed good people and good relationships while torturing the people who love me the most and ended up losing everything I have because of it." You really haven't even started progressing.

 

If you really want to make amends for the lives you destroyed, don't date. At least not until you've receieved a few years worth of therapy.

 

Let CM know he's in our thoughts and we hope he's doing well. Although he will probably never be the same, let's just hope you didn't permanently destroy the trust he has in the world. Maybe you can offer to help pay his co-pays if he does decide to seek professional help.

 

Okay, I need a shower and change after reading all that. Man, it gets in your clothes.

 

mic drop

 

This is really interesting. As I read through the post, I couldn't help but remember her older posts about how wonderful everything had been and how wrong she had been and how great the R was going. I tend to believe the R was being faked, and that the bad marriage prior is the truth. All of the R talk just seemed way too pristine. She was even quite hateful at times about it to others who doubted the sincerity of the R or the "we had a great marriage and I cheated anyway because there was something wrong with me".

 

Complete turnaround. Perhaps the "marriage fog" has lifted finally? And, as sad as I am that they were not able to R at least now they are living honestly. They both deserve better than the relationship they obviously had. And again, proof that affairs don't happen in a vacuum and 100% of the time, there were issues in the marriage prior that were big.

[anne1707]

This is really interesting. As I read through the post, I couldn't help but remember her older posts about how wonderful everything had been and how wrong she had been and how great the R was going. I tend to believe the R was being faked, and that the bad marriage prior is the truth. All of the R talk just seemed way too pristine. She was even quite hateful at times about it to others who doubted the sincerity of the R or the "we had a great marriage and I cheated anyway because there was something wrong with me".

 

Complete turnaround. Perhaps the "marriage fog" has lifted finally? And, as sad as I am that they were not able to R at least now they are living honestly. They both deserve better than the relationship they obviously had. And again, proof that affairs don't happen in a vacuum and 100% of the time, there were issues in the marriage prior that were big.

 

 

I was initially a tad surprised to read this post until I read the last sentence. Basically you are cheering the demise of CD's marriage because you believe it supports the view you have on marriages where there are affairs. Surely you realise that one example does not prove a theory that this is the way things are 100% of the time. However one example (e.g. Me) can and does disprove that theory of yours.

[Spectre]

This is really interesting. As I read through the post, I couldn't help but remember her older posts about how wonderful everything had been and how wrong she had been and how great the R was going. I tend to believe the R was being faked, and that the bad marriage prior is the truth. All of the R talk just seemed way too pristine. She was even quite hateful at times about it to others who doubted the sincerity of the R or the "we had a great marriage and I cheated anyway because there was something wrong with me".

 

Complete turnaround. Perhaps the "marriage fog" has lifted finally? And, as sad as I am that they were not able to R at least now they are living honestly. They both deserve better than the relationship they obviously had. And again, proof that affairs don't happen in a vacuum and 100% of the time, there were issues in the marriage prior that were big.

 

I will admit if the R was going great then no contact would of never been broken in the first place.

[AmyBamy]

I was initially a tad surprised to read this post until I read the last sentence. Basically you are cheering the demise of CD's marriage because you believe it supports the view you have on marriages where there are affairs. Surely you realise that one example does not prove a theory that this is the way things are 100% of the time. However one example (e.g. Me) can and does disprove that theory of yours.

 

Um - I never cheer the demise of anyone's relationships, unless it's abusive and the abused finds their way out. I didn't say it proved anything. I simply remembered reading CDs posts about how great the R was going and I remember thinking it sounded too good to be true. Sorry but I'm a realist and I just think that during many reconciliations there are a lot of delusions going on. I'm just pointing out that it's a perfect example of people claiming to be reconciling (the WS in this case) and presenting it as something it's not.

 

Reconciling is very hard and is not successful in many cases. Resentment is a tough burden to overcome in a relationship and most people aren't cut out for that kind of forgiveness.

 

You taking this personally and getting defensive (albeit nicely) about how it's not true and my "theory" isn't true is odd to me. I was commenting on this OPs former posts about R and I have no knowledge of your R whatsoever. Why does one example of someone not presenting exactly honestly about their R threaten you? Like you said, it's just one example.

[star gaze]

Amybamy: In your post #194, you said in your last sentence “…proof that affairs don't happen in a vacuum and 100% of the time, there were issues in the marriage prior that were big”, I also take exception to this; did you mean that issues in the marriage causes affairs? Please, do elaborate. All marriages have issues, always. Your post did come across a little gleeful that your point that bad marriage causes affairs was proved beyond doubt.

 

After infidelity in marriage, it may seem that prior issues are being neglected; but affair itself becomes THE main issue that can potentially and utterly destroy marriages, however good or bad the marriage was previously. So it may seem the previous issues are being neglected for the time being. I made a post about it in this section “Affairs and happy relationship” and interestingly it starts with the same sentence as your’s “affairs don’t happen in vaccuum’….please read the posts by other poster and do reply.

[compulsivedancer]

Guys, I'm going to reign you in a bit, before you get too off topic. Please don't start fighting back and forth on my thread.

 

Yes, our R had fits and starts. We put a ton of hard work into it, especially in the first 6 months. After about a year, H started withdrawing and stopped talking to me about his feelings. He also started talking about separation.

 

Failing at R is not the same as a "false reconciliation," btw. There was nothing false about what we went through. Eventually it all became too much and we realized it wasn't possible to continue.

 

Now, some of that was due to the affair, and some of that was due to other issues from before the affair. No, the affair didn't happen in a vacuum, but neither did our marital issues excuse me having an affair.

 

Now, if you want to add something about our specific situation, please do. If you'd rather have conversations about your theories about affairs, please take it elsewhere.

[beach]

Guys, I'm going to reign you in a bit, before you get too off topic. Please don't start fighting back and forth on my thread.

 

Yes, our R had fits and starts. We put a ton of hard work into it, especially in the first 6 months. After about a year, H started withdrawing and stopped talking to me about his feelings. He also started talking about separation.

 

Failing at R is not the same as a "false reconciliation," btw. There was nothing false about what we went through. Eventually it all became too much and we realized it wasn't possible to continue.

 

Now, some of that was due to the affair, and some of that was due to other issues from before the affair. No, the affair didn't happen in a vacuum, but neither did our marital issues excuse me having an affair.

 

Now, if you want to add something about our specific situation, please do. If you'd rather have conversations about your theories about affairs, please take it elsewhere.

 

But you're leaving out that while the false/failing reconciliation was happening - that it was due to you continuing to look up the OM.

 

You continued to lie and dishonor/disrespect CM throughout the time you claimed to be putting the M back together.

 

It wasn't his fault. It was because you didn't respect him by being honest.

 

Nothing about the way you participated is CM's fault.

 

When you own how you participated then maybe you can begin to heal and move forward.