Update: On my own now; how we got here

[compulsivedancer]

a man she really sees as not on par with OM.

 

H is one of the best men I know. But that doesn't make our relationship work. He doesn't really want me. He doesn't want the things I have to offer, and he never has. He wants to have me around when he's available. He wants to offer me bread crumbs and he wants me to be okay with that. But that's not enough.

[DbleBetrayal]

Wether you label the OP's post as a list of 'valid reasons' or 'excuses' for cheating, at the end of the day it resulted in The End, and prior to that, a real sh** way to live. Take away with that what you will. End of the day, cheating resolves nothing- no matter the reasons behind it.

 

Learning to really communicate as honestly as you can and to stop avoiding conflict by the use of outside validation is what I hope the take away was here- not just "Oh it was just a sh** relationship from the start, so- whatever!"- You had a voice and input from the start. It takes more guts to express your darkest thoughts, and concerns on the spot. Doing so creates real intimacy-, than it does to bottle it up, sneak around and put out to anyone that pays a compliment or what not.

[DbleBetrayal]

That's not true at all. I was all in with a man I loved very much. We didn't have stellar chemistry, but I thought there were much more important things in life than that.

 

My actions, for the first 8 years we were together (6 years of marriage), were all in support of H. Everyone on this part of LS seems to agree that love is about actions. Well, if that's the case, I proved my love by doing everything in my power to build him up and make him a successful man. He took that and became an amazing artist, but I only got scraps.

 

I thought that H wanted to travel. I thought he wanted to have kids. I thought he wanted a marriage of equals where my career was just as important as his.

 

Instead, he enjoyed having my support. He wanted me to be happy, but he left my happiness completely up to me. He did not bend or compromise when I wanted things he didn't want - like moving into a city where I could find a job in my field. Or finding a better housing situation. Or traveling. Or having kids. I went along with this for a long long time.

 

Now, after the affair, I don't think either of us ever really managed to be "all in" during reconciliation. There was simply too much pain, and neither of us really knew whether it was truly worth fighting for. It was pretty clear to me at this point that H wanted to be on his own, but he wasn't ready to give me up to be on his own.

 

There was a lot of thinking and not much talking. Why did you merely think these things. You have to speak up. Perhaps you were young, and now you learnt from all this- so it wasn't a waste. If you really want something in life, and they are important to you, demand them- people are not mind readers; as you know yourself- we are mostly self-serving.

 

I just don't want you going away thinking "I was duped and let down- and this is how I acted out. And how I will always act out, and I was justified". I hope you took away from this that you have to speak up, and be strong, don't play passive to the point of resentment- or a sneaky one at that. You can do better than that.

Edited December 9, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[DKT3]

H is one of the best men I know. But that doesn't make our relationship work. He doesn't really want me. He doesn't want the things I have to offer, and he never has. He wants to have me around when he's available. He wants to offer me bread crumbs and he wants me to be okay with that. But that's not enough.

 

Interesting that this is the only part you replied to. I think this goes along with you wanting OM. What your doing is pushing this off on CM. He don't want me, blah blah. When in fact its you that wants someone elses that is the issue.

 

You've implied this was about him not wanting a baby NOW. I don't nor did I ever buy that. This is about you giving in to the idea of OM. Its time you owe that.

[Realist3]

It really is amazing to me the disconnect between so many BS's that have replied to this thread. You really just don't get it. You DON'T. It is if you all live in some alter world.

[RightThere]

It really is amazing to me the disconnect between so many BS's that have replied to this thread. You really just don't get it. You DON'T. It is if you all live in some alter world.

 

Agreed. All the judgement that continues to go on here is pointless. The decision has been made to separate for a while. Most BS's here don't agree with how it came to this point, but that is life. The end result is both people are getting a chance to find themselves first.

 

All of the "you should have done this" or "you should be thinking that" is just projection of the replies that have their own baggage. The situation is what it is and people just need to accept that the end result is what is best for both people right now.

[Realist3]

agreed. All the judgement that continues to go on here is pointless. The decision has been made to separate for a while. Most bs's here don't agree with how it came to this point, but that is life. The end result is both people are getting a chance to find themselves first.

 

All of the "you should have done this" or "you should be thinking that" is just projection of the replies that have their own baggage. The situation is what it is and people just need to accept that the end result is what is best for both people right now.

 

 

Post of the day!!!!!!!!!!!

[gettingstronger]

Good luck and I hope you both find what you are looking for-

[SawtoothMars]

And in our case, we were too young and too inexperienced back in the beginning to know better than to just stay friends, so we embarked on a journey together that ultimately led us in different directions. I'll probably be looking for a new hiking partner, and H will probably let his music guide him for a while. Time will tell, and there should still be plenty of it left...

 

Meh... I've been there done that. I feel sorry for you the same way I feel sorry for some bullied kid that shows up to school with a gun and shoots the place up.

 

Yeah... I get your situation. You didn't feel 'la pasión'. So you got as emotionally abusive as is humanly possible with the man you pretend to love.

 

If this was his post I'd probably get on him about being selfish and failing to create chemistry... or whatever. I have loads of advice for him. For you... I'm just not convinced that there is anything worth saying. Some people are not in a place to receive good advice. I just hope you don't have kids anytime soon. I can't imagine a situation where you wouldn't mentally abuse or mindfu*k them. I'm sure in the future you will be a great mom.

 

All that said... I DO wish you the best. Please work on yourself

[Robert]

The thread was originally closed as it was full of off topic posts, so many in fact that most of the thread was off topic and moderation didn't have the time to sort out such rude behavior.

 

I would remind everyone, including the thread starter that posts must remain on topic or the thread will be closed for good and infractions will be given, thanks

[Furious]

This is directed to the people who have become familiar with my and CompulsiveMusician's story over the last year and a half that we've posted here. Many people felt betrayed that our R, which seemed to be progressing pretty well, kind of spectacularly ended. A handful of people have PMed me to ask how things are going. I haven't really posted since Oct, so I thought I'd post an update and fill in some gaps.

 

H and I both came to the same conclusion that Tuesday in October that we both had threads posted here. We decided to split up.

 

We took our time that week and spent a few last days together, had a couple nice dinners, spent the night together. Then I packed my things and moved in with a friend and started looking for a new place. (I found one and have lived here for a month.)

 

I miss H, but when I left I realized that I was really moving out of his life. I had so little to take with me, basically just books and some movies. Over 10 years together and nothing felt like mine.

 

You know, they talk about the things cheaters say that are cliches, as if that makes them less true. So here's my cliche: I married my best friend, but we never had any chemistry. H didn't really get this because he'd never even kissed anyone else, but I knew it and chose to overlook it because I loved him as a person. When I was young, naive and a virgin, this was easy, but it got harder as time went on, and because he was so often lackluster about sex, it meant that I felt rejected sexually quite often.

 

I've always resisted saying anything bad about H on here because it's always been driven home that WSs MUST take full responsibility for cheating and any explanation AT ALL is considered making excuses. Which is why this (true) clause is standard in every explanation: I accept full responsibility for my cheating and for the role that it had in our relationship ending. However, we did not have a perfect relationship, by a long shot, prior to me cheating.

 

The reality is, our relationship worked very well all the time because I basically said yes to everything H wanted. I supported him during his education and as he got going in his career, whether financial, emotional, with career help, as his cheering section, etc. (Yes, he DOES make a respectable living as a musician, and in fact made a decent income at it while in school. No, he is not/has never been a deadbeat, and I am NOT implying that in any way, shape or form. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS been proud of him and his accomplishments, and have always looked forward to seeing what he makes of himself in life, because I think it will be spectacular.)

 

H has always been very dedicated to his career and his passion, to the exclusion of everything else, including me. For the most part, since I take a pretty go-with-the-flow approach to life, I have allowed this. Until it became clear that he did not want to have kids with me any time soon. It was already becoming clear prior to the affair.

 

When he posted here about feeling the pressure to have kids and you all told him "Don't have kids with this woman," something inside me snapped. After all, you told him to deny me the one thing I want more than anything else in my life. The one thing I told him I had to have in order to be with him.

 

I should have left him before the affair. The problem is that I didn't know that yet. The problem is that while I FELT there was a problem, I didn't KNOW (on a conscious level) that there was a problem.

 

My loneliness and emotional state (knowing emotionally that our relationship was over) left me exposed and vulnerable, and I tried to fill this space by asking to have sex with someone else. Did we ever tell you that his first response when I talked to him about sleeping with OM was "Oh, that would be perfect, because I could talk to him about it so we'd all be on the same page"?

 

When that permission was not granted, after leaving me dangling out in the wind for a couple months, I was angry and just as vulnerable and craving it even more, so I went after it anyways.

 

Intellectually, I actually thought things were going pretty well with H. Things were more or less as they always were, and our living situation was much improved. So I deluded myself and kept making excuses for how good our relationship was, while H holed himself up and got really serious about his career, simultaneously forgetting that I existed at all.

 

The thing is, when you start developing a connection with someone else, someone you have chemistry with, and those hormones start talking, and he's giving you the time of day....when you spend more time talking to than you see of your H, it just makes it impossible to get past that.

 

No matter how much I love H as a person, no matter how much our sex life improved, no matter how much better things got...it didn't make the memory go away. It didn't make the feelings or the memory of that sexual chemistry disappear.

 

And without a common purpose, we were pulling in opposite directions. In the past, I just always put down my oar and let him row us in the direction he wanted us to go, and tried to be content with that. But when I turned 30, it stopped being enough. I only have about 10 more years to have a family, and he doesn't want one any time soon. And that's just not good enough.

 

As far as separating, we decided to give it a year and see how we feel then. We are supposed to take this fall and get to know ourselves as single people, then try dating again in Jan.

 

But what we're finding is that it's exciting to be on our own again, for both of us. And while we miss each other, what we really miss is our friendship, not our marriage. It's very sad, but we seem to be functioning better as individuals than as a couple.

 

We haven't begun divorce proceedings, but unless something changes, I don't really see a future for us. And he seems to feel the same way. We still love each other, but what we've learned is that love is not enough.

 

For those of you who are upset about us, I want you to know that we are just one of many couples. We are not you, and just because things worked out one way for us, or H or I make specific choices, that does not mean ANYTHING about your relationship. While these relationships all boil down to cliches, the particulars are pretty freakin' important, too.

 

And in our case, we were too young and too inexperienced back in the beginning to know better than to just stay friends, so we embarked on a journey together that ultimately led us in different directions. I'll probably be looking for a new hiking partner, and H will probably let his music guide him for a while. Time will tell, and there should still be plenty of it left...

 

 

Gently....CD...and I say this as a mother and as if you were my daughter.

 

 

All marriages have challenges and stress, realistically... everyone at any given phase in their marriage could justify infidelity. Sure there are those who will say there are equal transgressions just as bad or worse than cheating. In a perfect world, there would be no compromise, there would be equal support in reaching the success that one aspires to. Sometimes it's a grievance about dishes in the sink, who's career is prominent, who gives up their dream to support their spouse's dream. It's like a balancing act, and it can come with resentment and open cracks in the relationship.

 

On the one hand you grieve for wanting a child and a home. Yet, on the other hand you strongly pressured for an open relationship and for sexual relationships outside of your marriage.

 

Ironically, the person you wanted to have a sexual relationship with was your husband's long time friend. A man who is at least 30, lives with his parents and works in a library and has a girlfriend who is in the dark durring this whole time.

 

You complain about CM, but was the OM promising you a child, a home, or was he just an opportunist who betrayed his good friend and his girlfriend. That's what is completely dysfunctional in this whole situation. You broke NC for closure with a basement dwelling fake friend to your husband and yet you were obsessed with wanting to believe you were more than just a piece of meat to this guy.

 

Your self esteem is hinged on the wrong people, and as much as CM had flaws you choose someone with even bigger flaws to cheat with. That's the paradox.

 

I really do support both the decision to divorce, I hope and wish that you grow and learn from your experiences and that you and CM find your separate way to a healthy, mature, and happy life.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Furious

[NateGrey]

Well, if no one else is going to say it, I'm going to.

 

Ugh, that big blame-shifting word salad diatribe you've written is just another example of how you'll never accept responsiblity for anything you do. Now you come back and say you never had chemistry with CM, he was lackluster about sex, he didn't want kids soon enough, my lonliness and emotional state left me vulnerable, yada yada yada. I guess I just keep waiting for you to have the real epiphany you need, but deep down I know if you haven't had it by now, it's probably never going to happen.

 

Gag me with a spoon, again.

 

Until you look in the mirror and say, "I'm a selfish, immature person who can't handle being in a committed relationship because I'm too narcissistic and impulsive to put someone else's well-being ahead of mine. I sleep with my partner's best friends, lie until I'm caught and then find a way to rationalize it by claiming my needs weren't met when in all actuality, I really just want things my way, all the time, and cannot handle following the most basic rules of relationships and society. I destroyed good people and good relationships while torturing the people who love me the most and ended up losing everything I have because of it." You really haven't even started progressing.

 

If you really want to make amends for the lives you destroyed, don't date. At least not until you've receieved a few years worth of therapy.

 

Let CM know he's in our thoughts and we hope he's doing well. Although he will probably never be the same, let's just hope you didn't permanently destroy the trust he has in the world. Maybe you can offer to help pay his co-pays if he does decide to seek professional help.

 

Okay, I need a shower and change after reading all that. Man, it gets in your clothes.

 

mic drop

 

This..just, this, this, 1,000 times this.

 

Though I would say she should not offer to pay the guys shrink bills. She has done enough. I get the reasoning behind you saying that, but this woman literally coming to this guy and saying "let me pay your shrink bills" just might rub him the wrong way. Or it would certainly rub me the wrong way, because I would respond with "spend the money on a shrink for yourself".

[Selfish]

I never got a chance to comment before it was locked so I am glad I can now. Thank you for coming back and posting how you are doing. I am glad you guys are letting go of each other and moving on with your lives. How you got here obviously was not the best way. But I know you can't change that now. Keep on working on yourself and good luck.

[compulsivedancer]

Gently....CD...and I say this as a mother and as if you were my daughter.

 

 

All marriages have challenges and stress, realistically... everyone at any given phase in their marriage could justify infidelity. Sure there are those who will say there are equal transgressions just as bad or worse than cheating. In a perfect world, there would be no compromise, there would be equal support in reaching the success that one aspires to. Sometimes it's a grievance about dishes in the sink, who's career is prominent, who gives up their dream to support their spouse's dream. It's like a balancing act, and it can come with resentment and open cracks in the relationship.

 

H and I can be very good together. We complement each other well. But without any chance of kids together, it's time to move on. The other things could be overcome. This can't be.

 

On the one hand you grieve for wanting a child and a home. Yet, on the other hand you strongly pressured for an open relationship and for sexual relationships outside of your marriage.

 

H was as interested in an open marriage as I was. In fact, he brought it up this time. The whole point was to experiment BEFORE we had kids.

 

Ironically, the person you wanted to have a sexual relationship with was your husband's long time friend. A man who is at least 30, lives with his parents and works in a library and has a girlfriend who is in the dark durring this whole time.

 

You complain about CM, but was the OM promising you a child, a home, or was he just an opportunist who betrayed his good friend and his girlfriend. That's what is completely dysfunctional in this whole situation. You broke NC for closure with a basement dwelling fake friend to your husband and yet you were obsessed with wanting to believe you were more than just a piece of meat to this guy.

 

Your self esteem is hinged on the wrong people, and as much as CM had flaws you choose someone with even bigger flaws to cheat with. That's the paradox.

 

I was not planning a long term relationship with OM, so a family was not part of those considerations.

 

Additionally, you are describing OM from H's after-affair perspective without any nuance. There is always more to the story than this.

 

I really do support both the decision to divorce, I hope and wish that you grow and learn from your experiences and that you and CM find your separate way to a healthy, mature, and happy life.

 

To be clear, I am not going to go start a family tomorrow. It's just that I only have 10 years to meet a man and have kids with him. Maybe in 5 years H would be ready for kids...but maybe he never would be. Or maybe in 5 years I'd be completely miserable and completely resent him for running out my clock. Then I could leave and be truly desperate.

[katielee]

I posted in this thread from the perspective of a wayward. I've been there. My husband could have beat me. Still no reason to go outside my marriage to solve any kind of misery...

[violet1]

CD,

 

 

Have you completely mourned the loss of your baby? I remember you stating you've experienced a miscarriage pre affair. Did the experience make you want children more? Did you feel resentment towards CM because he wanted to wait? I ask this because I wonder if this could also be a factor of why your marriage is ending. My apologies if I've triggered you in any way.

 

 

Realistically, it could take years to have a family with someone else that you connect with as well as CM. Has CM never given you a timeline of how long he wanted to wait? I'm assuming when you married the both of you desired children right? What exactly changed? Were you afraid CM was trying to punish you by making you wait? I hope that you continue to work on yourself and healing. I can literally feel the pain and anger in your posts. I hope this is not considered off topic as well. IMHO, the baby issue is equally the cause of breaking down the marriage as the affair was.

[compulsivedancer]

CD,

 

 

Have you completely mourned the loss of your baby? I remember you stating you've experienced a miscarriage pre affair. Did the experience make you want children more? Did you feel resentment towards CM because he wanted to wait? I ask this because I wonder if this could also be a factor of why your marriage is ending. My apologies if I've triggered you in any way.

 

 

Realistically, it could take years to have a family with someone else that you connect with as well as CM. Has CM never given you a timeline of how long he wanted to wait? I'm assuming when you married the both of you desired children right? What exactly changed? Were you afraid CM was trying to punish you by making you wait? I hope that you continue to work on yourself and healing. I can literally feel the pain and anger in your posts. I hope this is not considered off topic as well. IMHO, the baby issue is equally the cause of breaking down the marriage as the affair was.

 

What is completely? Of course it changed me. We said we wanted kids before we turned 30. We wanted the chance to be young parents. We wanted three.

 

I was 25, we'd been married for three years. It was unexpected. He wanted me to have an abortion, but he could see that that would kill me. He almost hyperventilated when we told his parents.

 

At the time, I was in grad school, making enough money to pay for food and gas. He was finishing up undergrad. The recession had started, but it wasn't affecting us yet.

 

We lived next door to his parents in a house they owned. It wasn't livable and should have been condemned. They "gave" it to us, and we were trying to fix it up. In the winter, we could often see our breath inside the house.

 

We clearly weren't ready to have a baby. When the miscarriage happened, it was a relief for him. I basically did nothing but sit on the couch all summer and stare off into space, I was so depressed.

 

H told me that if I wanted kids, I'd have to find a job to support them. He told me to use it as motivation. I got really lucky. The first job I applied for I got, and it was a great career job (I actually made more money then than I made now). But it was stimulus-funded, and when the grant ran out, so did the job.

 

I was unemployed for the next year. H made about the same amount the entire time, which was basically a decent part-time salary. It wasn't enough to upgrade housing, it wasn't enough to have a child.

 

Our house was destroyed by nature, and we moved into a much better place. I got a job, but it didn't pay the bills. We got roommates to cover the difference.

 

H started working his ass off, and got really great and what he does, but it didn't translate to more money. He started acting freaked out every time I mentioned kids. He started getting annoyed at me for being upset about my housing situation.

 

He moved his brother into the house without asking me, rent-free. Into the room that was supposed to be my place to get away from all the roommates, noise and general maleness of living with three guys (now four). Oh yeah, his brother's a drummer and liked to practice at home. And a slob who doesn't do his share of housework.

 

This is about when the affair started. I was 28.

 

So....that was a lot of explanation for a short question.

 

Did I ever recover from the miscarriage? No.

 

Was H ever going to have kids with me if there hadn't been an affair? Maybe, but probably not any time soon.

 

Did the affair make him totally freaked out about having kids? Yes.

Did the affair make him want to go be on his own and play music without having anyone to answer to? Yes.

Did the affair make him want to go out and have sex with other people? Yes.

 

Oh, here's a fun one....did H ever decide to sexually experiment during our possible open relationship? Yes. Who with? A close friend of mine.

Did they have sex? No. Did he feel totally guilty about it? Yes. Did he blame me for it because of all the pressure? Yes.

Did I complain about it one iota? No, because I gave him permission and because I was in the middle of an affair with OM. And because I was hoping I'd get tit for tat. Joke on me.

[SolG]

CD,

 

On reading your opening post I don't believe that you are justifying your A, but rather analysing the context that ultimately led to it. Completely different cognitive processes; the latter actually being a very healthy thing to do.

 

What I read was acknowledgement of the wrongness, and a searching back to determine the thoughts and feelings that led to your destructive behaviour. Nowhere did I read you saying that you were within your rights to pursue an A at all, but rather I read regret. (Although not enough regret and self flagellation for some it would seem :-/)

 

If we don't understand how we came to make flawed decisions in the first place, how can we hope to learn from those mistakes and seek not to replicate them? Keep going with that journey.

 

Good luck!

[Furious]

To be clear, I am not going to go start a family tomorrow. It's just that I only have 10 years to meet a man and have kids with him. Maybe in 5 years H would be ready for kids...but maybe he never would be. Or maybe in 5 years I'd be completely miserable and completely resent him for running out my clock. Then I could leave and be truly desperate.

 

 

You're all over the map. if you are racing against the baby clock, how does having an affair fix this.

 

ughhh...CD...you really don't get it.

[compulsivedancer]

The thread was originally closed as it was full of off topic posts, so many in fact that most of the thread was off topic and moderation didn't have the time to sort out such rude behavior.

 

I would remind everyone, including the thread starter that posts must remain on topic or the thread will be closed for good and infractions will be given, thanks

 

Robert, other than the back and forth between realist and anne, I think everything was pretty on topic. Even the mean stuff.

 

My topic was: It ended - here's why. Then I talked about a TON of stuff. So anything related to why my relationship is ending or the end of my relationship seems pretty on-topic to me. Doesn't the thread starter get to define that?

[compulsivedancer]

You're all over the map. if you are racing against the baby clock, how does having an affair fix this.

 

ughhh...CD...you really don't get it.

 

I wasn't trying to fix this problem by having an affair. I had an affair two years ago. H isn't going to have babies with me NOW.

 

So no matter how much I love him, no matter how hard I work on our relationship, no matter how much I wait....it makes no difference. HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH ME...Not now. Not next week. Not next year. Probably not two years from now.

 

He may NEVER want to have children with me. And he can't give me a timeline. When he TRIES to, it's clear he just doesn't. want. to.

 

Why would I want to have kids with someone who isn't interested in them, and won't be excited to have them? H doesn't want to be pressured. And I can't not pressure him. So it's time to leave. It's time to work on me, to move on NOW so that I have TIME, so I can find a guy when I'm READY. So that we'll still have time to have more than one kid together, without rushing.

 

If I don't leave now, I'll never have a chance for this. If I don't leave now, I will ONLY be able to have a chance at this with H, and he - frankly - isn't a very safe bet on this subject. And before he's ready, I'll become a bitter, resentful wife because I ALREADY regret not having kids with him yet.

[lovinDKT3]

CD, we've had many talks via PM and I think you know how highly I think of you. I do think your making a mistake here. I think your running away because you don't want to face it, not really.

 

Hearing you talk about CM turning down sex with the friend just makes me think the guilt hit you hard. Maybe you felt he was better then you for having not done it. The thing is, it wouldn't have made you feel better.

 

You know our story, you know the pain I had in watching him fall in love with another woman. It was my fault, I was always the woman he wanted but I made that impossible for him because I couldn't face what I had done. I see this in you.

 

I really hope you find what your looking.

[compulsivedancer]

CD, we've had many talks via PM and I think you know how highly I think of you. I do think your making a mistake here. I think your running away because you don't want to face it, not really.

 

Hearing you talk about CM turning down sex with the friend just makes me think the guilt hit you hard. Maybe you felt he was better then you for having not done it. The thing is, it wouldn't have made you feel better.

 

You know our story, you know the pain I had in watching him fall in love with another woman. It was my fault, I was always the woman he wanted but I made that impossible for him because I couldn't face what I had done. I see this in you.

 

I really hope you find what your looking.

 

Hmm...I think I misstated this...he fooled around with her. Just couldn't bring himself to have sex with her. He did NOT know about the affair yet. Got permission to sleep with her, did this, then changed his mind about giving me permission.

[DbleBetrayal]

I wasn't trying to fix this problem by having an affair. I had an affair two years ago. H isn't going to have babies with me NOW.

 

So no matter how much I love him, no matter how hard I work on our relationship, no matter how much I wait....it makes no difference. HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH ME...Not now. Not next week. Not next year. Probably not two years from now.

 

He may NEVER want to have children with me. And he can't give me a timeline. When he TRIES to, it's clear he just doesn't. want. to.

 

Why would I want to have kids with someone who isn't interested in them, and won't be excited to have them? H doesn't want to be pressured. And I can't not pressure him. So it's time to leave. It's time to work on me, to move on NOW so that I have TIME, so I can find a guy when I'm READY. So that we'll still have time to have more than one kid together, without rushing.

 

If I don't leave now, I'll never have a chance for this. If I don't leave now, I will ONLY be able to have a chance at this with H, and he - frankly - isn't a very safe bet on this subject. And before he's ready, I'll become a bitter, resentful wife because I ALREADY regret not having kids with him yet.

 

 

This is the right way to think.

 

When you don't get your needs met after communicating them- especially BIG ones like these- you leave. All those years of cheating and discussing open relationships could have been better spent getting out of the rut and finding someone that wants the same future you envision. You have that option now.

Edited December 11, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[lovinDKT3]

Hmm...I think I misstated this...he fooled around with her. Just couldn't bring himself to have sex with her. He did NOT know about the affair yet. Got permission to sleep with her, did this, then changed his mind about giving me permission.

 

Doesn't change anything, you knew you were already sleeping with OM. Then when CM didn't go through with it, and also rejecting you doing it the guilt hit since you were already doing it with the expectation that he would give you the OK.

 

To me, if a man rejects sex with a woman he is attracted to there is a reason behind it. YOU were his reason behind.