Need Advice!!! Please Help!

[Littlepink24]

Okay to any women who have been cheated on and not the cheater, fell free not to read this because I am most likely one of the types of people you hate, but to women who have cheated and know how I feel please help. I have been cheating for 5 years with the same person and I am married( unhappily most of the time), he is also married. (I think happily) I have tried to break it off several times, but can't. I have been honest to my husband when it happened and that is all. Only the first time he knows about, that was 5 years ago. Now, I have told him that I am friends with this man and he is a very important person in my life and I know I am wrong. Me and this guy dont have a 'cheating' relationship though, we are really good friends too and I tell him so many things about my life. He says it is not based on sex, but I am not sure. He says he likes me and does not want me to just stop talking to him. I kind of do believe him because we hardly ever have any kind of sex anymore it is just hanging out and having a good time. I think I have stronger feelings for him that I ever thought I could have and he says he loves her, but does he love her if he is cheating and has been for five years? If I went on this would be a very long story needless to say, I need to let him go so I can put him behind me and have a normal happy life, I dont expect it to be with him though and I think my best bet would be to break away from my marriage also because I feel like such a horrible person, but how do I do that? P.S did I mention that he is 10 years older than me?

[caramelbrownchick]

Ok girl, if you are unhappily married and you are constatntly cheating your best bet would be to break it off why prolong the suffering for the both of you, as for this married guy who claims to love his wife and be "happily married" I think he is full of it, if he truly loved her he wouldn't need you, sexually or even as a friend. If he is so happy and she is doing everything he needs her to do, then why is he with you??? It makes no sense to me at all, I just think if your relationship with him continues you will begin to fall for him more and want him to leave his wife he probably won't by the way he is talking , healthy I think not, I know you can do better.

[Rick5478]

Ahhhh. Another woman who just feels so horrible for cheating on her husband she decides to spread her legs for another man for 5 more years just to reaffirm what a wonderful wife she is. I love women nowadays. If you're not emotionally cheating, you're physicially cheating. If you're not physically cheating, you spend your nights wondering if you could get away with physically cheating. And when you're not cheating, you're talking amongst your friends what pigs men are. Women in the 21st century...I just love 'em.

[caramelbrownchick]

Your kinda right Rick I hate to admit it but women now and days cheat just as much as men do and then try to get upset when there husbands or boyfriends do it, I know one thing when I am married if I feel the need to cheat ever I will leave him before I cheat.

[li'l bunny]

I don't think it's that simple. I don't think people 'feel the need' to cheat. They're just stupid enough not to avoid the hazardous situtations. In my opinion it can happen once that you may think you're strong enough to ignore the attraction and end up cheating but I think if you learn from this mistake, you'll recognise the signs and stay away from these situations.

 

I think if my hubby cheated on me I could forgive him, as long as it wasn't an on-going thing. Obviously in LP24's case, I don't think she loves her H. She sounds quite unhappy in her marriage and should probably have ended it a long time ago. I don't know whether she really loves this MM but it seems to me that he certainly doesn't love her.

 

LP24 I think you need to get out of both relationships. It's not fair on you or H to stay in when you want to be out.

[caramelbrownchick]

You really shouldn't forgive your hubby for cheating once you do that its basically telling him its ok to do, no one should even be in a situation where they could be tempted to cheat, chat rooms and clubs and bars are definate places to meet single people who are looking, if your not single these places should be avoided.

[Littlepink24]

Okay guys, thanks for the input. I know I have to get out of this very unhealthy marriage and relationship with the other guy too, but I think it goes a little deeper than that. I have confronted myself and realized I needed to tell my hubby and I did, the first time then we only had one sone. The married guy and I did not speak for a year and about 4 months later it started again. I have counted the number of time we have had any kind of sexual interaction in the last 5 years and it is awkward to think if the number in itself is not as high as I would think it is what the hell are we doing anyway? He claims I am his 'fantasy girl' whatever that is,- Guys, what is all that about? ..and that he escapes when he is with me. My friends that know think he is using me, but latley I don't know for what, we have not had sex like I mentioned in my first message in a while. We talk just about everyday and we also text message on our cell phones and IM all the time. I know he will never leave his wife and I know I am not the first affair he has had, even though he was mine. Yesterday I kinda analyzed him and I asked him about his childhood which I kind of already knew and I told him I think he will always cheat becasue how he was raised....but I am not going ot get into that. I came from a good family, but I admit I was a young mother and was 20 when my first son was born and a year after he was born that is when I met this guy. MAybe I do love him and if I do that is a bad thing isnt it? I know in "The Rules" it says NEVER fall in love with a married man. I just don't know how not to. My marriage is ending and I am looking for a new house and I feel very bad about it while he is living this happy perfect life in suburbia with the three kids, wife and all in between, a church goer, to baseball coach I feel so mad at him. I get so mad that I want to tell his wife the whole thing. Should I hurt her too?

[li'l bunny]

I'm sorry i don't agree. I think you will always meet people you are attracted to. Myself and my H rarely go out to bars or clubs but there are still occasions like work, the gym, weddings....you can't cut out other people altogether and you'll always find someone who you click with. The trick is to stay away from these people, or not allow yourself be in a situation where you think you might falter.

 

I have a friend who was very attracted to someone from work. He felt very guilty about even being attracted to the person. It happens to everyone, the difference is HE didn't do anything. It's naive to say they shouldn't be in a situation where they could be tempted to drink. You might not know you could be tempted to cheat until certain factors add to the moment. Say you're having a drink with friends, you drink some, he drinks some, you talk about something upsetting, he comforts you and suddenly you're kissing....Or maybe you believe girls shouldn't have male friends...?? Anyway, there are varying degrees of cheating. And many reasons for it too.

 

In this case I think LP24 is unhappy in the marriage and may just be looking for a way out. She told her H about the affair and then continued it for five years. Does that not tell you something??

[li'l bunny]

Sorry LP24, didn't see you post just there. I don't think you should tell his wife but that's just my opinion. I think quite often wives know these things (especially if he has done it before) but they just don't want to admit them and prefer to stay in the dark.

 

I DO think you're doing the right thing by getting out of your marriage if you're truly not happy. It's just a pity it has taken you so long.

[caramelbrownchick]

I think he should tell his wife, your right its not fair that his life is going on the way it is, but hun I promise you even if he doesn't tell his wife it will come out sooner are later, no one can cheat constantly and get away with it one way or another she will find out. What goes around does come back around and if he thinks he can live in sin and be happy he has got another thing coming.

[Littlepink24]

Li'l Bunny, have you ever cheated? I know people are attracted to each other and all that, but yes I was in a very bad part of my larriage, I got mistreated all the time. Being expceted to stay in a marriage due to a child is a difficult situation and yes, we do look for ways out especaily when we are young and very much naive. 5 years had been too long and even though we compare each other to friends it doesn't work anymore. I get mad at him when he can't hang out with me and does not call, that is how I know it has gone too far. when I sat down and tried to think about it if I believed in past life experience Iwould have said I knew this MM he and I do click in so many ways, but those ways dont include being married. He does love her, but caramelbrownchick is right, what goes around comes around and she will find out somehow. I just want that to be now though. He can go on living and I am suffering. I fully admit I was living a big sin, but he has not told anyone so how will she know? Would I really be a worse person if I wrote her a letter?

[caramelbrownchick]

I just feel that sometimes in the craziest ways things come out, but girl if you wanna write her a letter and you really feel the need to you should do it, as long as you know that this man will probably have a deeep hate for you after this and might even harm you a wife and three kids is alot to take away from someone, and I am worried that he might harm you if you do this, most of the time women wont believe another woman I know its sad, but its true they think oh this woman probably just wants my man. The only true proof is a woman getting preganant and the paternity test proving that the guy is the father ya know (not at all telling you to go to that extream). If you want him to get caught leave hickys on his neck condoms in his car etc, I hate to sound childish but even if he lies about the hickys and condoms his wife will start to wonder and maybe start to explore more. But like I said either way it goes eventually she will find out, even if you two stop the relationship he will probably continue cheating with another woman it will come out.

[Littlepink24]

That would be so easy to leave little clues around everywhere in his car. Plant my makeup or a piece of jewelry in there. I don't know, I feel sometimes like hiring a PI and having him take pics of us or even a friend. You are right about a MW not believing the other woman. The only proof I have is emails, that and I know a whole hell of a lot of information on their family. He did once say that even if she knew she would not leave. They do have the perfect life from what he says, but she is clueless. I know I am no better from doing what I am doing to my hubby, but I am not going on pretending like nothing is happening. Why do I feel like the stupid woman scorned type? He called this morning from the airport (he travels) and I know now would be such a great time to talk to her. I think I need that in some way and him hating me will make me really stop talking to him obviously, but the memories we have is what is really keeping me from being a bitch...well more than I already have. That, and he says he cares and likes me alot.

[caramelbrownchick]

If you feel you need to let his wife know because it will end this whole thing and get alot off your chest I think you shoulld let her know, it will be closure on the whole situation, this guy is no prince at all so he kinda deserves it. You should like put an earring or some lipstick in the passenger side of his car (somewhere where only the passenger which will probably be his wife will see it). Also put yourself in his wifes shoes would you want to be told, I know I would.

[Littlepink24]

Yes, I think I am going to do that. I am coming to town to meet with friends this weekend and I am supposed to meet with him to have drinks Friday. I just have to remember to bring something I could leave in his car. I have given this a lot of thought about the closure thing and I have told him that telling all parties involved would make it better and when I make it seem like I want to tell his wife, he gets a little nicer to me. I think it is maybe so I won't tell her.

By the way, caramelbrownchick I saw that you are from North Dallas can I ask what part, me too. What part are you from?

[caramelbrownchick]

I'm actually from Denton but no one knows where that is, but im in dalllas all the time hanging out in deep elum and west end

[Littlepink24]

Do you go to UNT? I used to live in the Frisco area and lived in the North Dallas area all my life. Love Deep Ellum was actually there last weekend at The Bone. How funny is that? Anyway, waiting for him to call to confirm Friday

[caramelbrownchick]

Ha thats funny small world, when you meet up with him you could always tape record him or something lol keep those wheels turning just incase it ever does turn sour and you seek revenge.

[caramelbrownchick]

Oh and no I dont go to UNT, but hopefully I will soon I am at a junior college now.

[TUDOR]

I thought I might chime in on this one. First and foremost I know where Denton is....went to UNT few years back.

 

Now the important stuff. I think you are barking up the wrong tree with trying to tell his wife. She may may very well have the right to know and you may feel that it will help you bring this whole thing to an end but it is a very destructive way to go about it.

 

Carmelbrownchick had a good point, chances are she already knows because the signs are hard to ignore unless she is just choosing to. But while you feel it is your place to clue her in to the fact that her hubby is a cheater what is your real reasoning behind it? Is it to be the the good samaritan by letting her know or for the purpose of ending your relationship and what anger you might have that you were in it for more than maybe he was and that hurts?

 

Their marriage will have to deal with that issue sooner or later but I just don't see what possible good can come from letting her know when the mistake was the hubbies and your's. I don't mean that bad either so please take it with a grain of salt. You should deal with him and you but I think you are looking for mega drama if you think you should tell the wife! Just my two cents.

[Littlepink24]

You know Tudor, you are most likely right, but I saw that you area a male and most likely are you a man scorned or what?

 

I don't need the drama, but for some people the easiest way out could be the ugliest way out. You get me? This is a very hard thing to do in the first place. The story goes a lot deeper than this if I wrote the whole story there would not be space, that and I have to have some privacy here right? When I do try to end it he says that he can't end it like that, without ever knowing if I am ok and what I am doing, he does not want to know that I am not there. You are a man, what does that mean? So then how do I end it? Just totally ignore him? that is hard because I initiate conversations with him just when I am bored and need someone to talk to and when he is not there then what?

 

I think I should stick with the idea me and caramelbrownchick had.

[TUDOR]

I responded on the othet thread thinking it was this one. Need some more coffee.

 

"You are a man, what does that mean? So then how do I end it? Just totally ignore him? that is hard because I initiate conversations with him just when I am bored and need someone to talk to and when he is not there then what? "

 

What it means is that he playing mind games with you to guilt you into staying so that he can have his hook up and still play the married life that he will never have the balls to walk away from. I know how much you must need his conversation and attention because it is lacking in your marriage but there are better ways to get that and they won't hurt you in the end like this is going to. This thing with him has no where to go and is only going to end in tears...those tears will be yours.

 

If you are going to end it then do it in a way that you can walk away with a greater selfrespect for you yourself. Tell him that you can no longer do this not because you don't want to but because you both deserve better. You can't and won't be a side dish. Hold yourself and him to a higher standard. It will be hard and I know you will miss him but you won't have to live with the guilt and that I think you have now for talking to him even though your marriage is on its way out. Just don't make it harder than it needs to be by coming up with ways to tell the other wife. In the end telling her is not going to make this any better.