Ex kissed another guy while we were trying to fix things

[missinglink]

A few months ago my ex and I broke up. Kind of rough immediately after but things smoothed out and we both decided to patch things up. I didn't want to rush back into things however, so I was taking it slow. We had been together for 4 years so naturally we still have (or at least I do) feelings.

Recently she called me crying saying that she kissed another guy. It was a guy we both already knew for a while. She didn't start to talk to him until we broke up and she showed me the texts. No flirting, just seemed like he was giving her support. I know that they would only hang out in groups of their mutual friends. I don't believe that it was even because they wanted to hang out with each other in particular. But a few night ago she went with him to a play and then to a movie knowing it would be just them and letting him pick her up (her car was in the shop though) and pay for her tickets to each thing. That night I asked her to to hang out but she said she had bought tickets to a play. Didn't tell me anything about it being just him and her.

When she explained what happened that night she said she didn't tell me that it would be just them and that he bought her tickets and picked her up because she didn't want me to worry. She said that he told her they were going to the play to see his friend who is a girl in the play (She claims that she had no idea he was in to her and that she didn't know it was a date). Once the play ended he suggested going to a movie. In the theatre, he held her hand and then asked her to massage his and then he did the same to her (just hand play). Then, they kissed. She tells me that it was a brief few kisses (starting to make out) and then she pulled away saying she couldn't because of things going on in her life.

Now, I call bs on the brief kiss and pull away. I get the feeling that's not how it was because their texts that I saw from the following day seemed like nothing awkward happened. I might be wrong though. Something that really baffles me however, is that she told me she still loves me and that she doesn't have any feelings for him. She says that it was only because it feels nice to know that someone wants to kiss her but she immediately regretted it.

I am (was?) her very first boyfriend and first many things. She is a very naive girl that doesn't really get around. I just don't understand why if she still loves me and doesn't have feelings for him, she would kiss him and all that. And I don't know if it was really an "Oh, no clue this was a date. Oh, we're holding hands. Oh, we kissed. Oops, I didn't mean for this to happen" kind of thing. Just seems kind of far fetched. Correct me if I'm wrong in thinking that though.

I truly trusted her when we were together and know that she was 100% loyal to me. I told her that all that trust was lost. I asked her to not talk to him anymore and that I wanted to see her tell him that through text. She really didn't want to in front of me and wanted to text him later and then show me, but she did ended up texting him. He texted her the next day upset and she told him that she loves me.

Now, I know there's a lot to it, but what's your input on the situation?

Is she feeding me bs? Should I forgive her and trust her? What's your take on this?

Edited December 9, 2014 by missinglink

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she is into the other guy, but has a soft spot for you at the same time and is confused about her feelings. I don't believe that she didn't know it was a date and that she has zero feelings for him. For now, I would take reconciliation off the table. She evidently doesn't know exactly what she wants, which may be to date around. If you're her first boyfriend and you were together a long time, she might be wanting to explore other pastures, so to speak.

 

Take a deep breath and step back. Don't make plans together for the time being. She apparently needs time to sort herself and her desires out.

[d0nnivain]

You were her 1st BF. That means she has no idea what / who else is out there.

 

 

While you were broken up (which is a key fact for me) she got some support & much needed attention from him. It lead to kissing.

 

 

She immediately told you about it.

 

 

Her feelings for you are stronger then her feelings for him but if you don't re-establish a relationship with her -- tell her you want her & show her -- she is going to wander off to greener pastures with guys who do stroke her ego.

 

 

She didn't cheat on you so moral indignation is not on your side.

[giblesp]

And I don't know if it was really an "Oh, no clue this was a date. Oh, we're holding hands. Oh, we kissed. Oops, I didn't mean for this to happen"

 

Don't ever believe this BS. She knew exactly what she was doing, every step of the way.

You were trying to patch things up, she's playing the field. And then you're thinking about taking her back.

 

Do that, and you'll lose your self respect. Because you're compromising on what you want from life. In turn, she or any other woman will respect you less for being a sucker.

Unless you genuinely don't mind a girl you love dating another man, and then coming back to you, in which case take her back.

 

Assuming thats not the case, end it with her and move on. Otherwise, you're going to start seeing an ugly side to her that will taint your memories.

There's probably more to the story than what she told you man. Who cares. She dated another guy, its really time to move on.

[NateGrey]

You were her 1st BF. That means she has no idea what / who else is out there.

 

 

While you were broken up (which is a key fact for me) she got some support & much needed attention from him. It lead to kissing.

 

 

She immediately told you about it.

 

 

Her feelings for you are stronger then her feelings for him but if you don't re-establish a relationship with her -- tell her you want her & show her -- she is going to wander off to greener pastures with guys who do stroke her ego.

 

 

She didn't cheat on you so moral indignation is not on your side.

 

I find your post incredibly disingenuous. I really don't know what else to say. You clearly ignored a major key detail of his post in that this all happened after they agreed to patch things up. If you saw that detail then I can't fathom why it was not mentioned in your reply, since it is important. I admit I was left a bit speechless because not only is this detail in the TITLE but it is also like the very first sentence of his post, so I can't even believe you just skimmed this and did not see it. Or if you saw it and truly felt it was unimportant, well..color me confused.

 

So sorry, agreeing to patch things up is..agreeing to patch things up. The OP said they were taking it slow, but that still equates to "they were patching things up". You don't get to go on dates and kiss other men if you are trying to patch things up with a guy.

 

You might be right in that her telling him might show she has stronger feelings for the OP then the other guy. But that is a moot point, her feelings weren't strong enough to keep her from betraying the OP. And yes, it was a betrayal, even if you feel it wasn't out and out cheating.

 

So nope, OP needs to cut his losses and move on. Go find a girl who doesn't go on dates with other men after saying she wants to work on things.

Edited December 12, 2014 by NateGrey

[JChristie]

your girl may be just young and naive. since the guy had been "helping" when you were broke up, she may have felt obligated to go out with him because he had been so nice. on the other hand, since your relationship hadn't been going well, this other guy may be treating her better than you did.

 

just because we love someone and are in a relationship doesn't mean we don't have to work to keep things fun, fresh and in a loving place. too often daily crap puts us in bad moods, which we take out on loved ones. if we aren't doing damage control when this happens, we can choke off the love that once flowed in the reltp.

 

you need to look at the other signals she is giving you. as well as any other specific things she is telling you. take these things seriously. reltps hit bumps in the road. if we navigate them well, the reltp is stronger afterwards. do her eyes shine with love for you when you are with her? do yours shine for her? is she contacting you or do you have to contact her? it is the little things that will tell you if she really loves you.

 

send her love, wish her well, if you love her, fight for her so to speak. if she is a great person who is perfect for you, don't let her go easily. on the other hand, you both were younger when you first got together. maybe you have both changed and want different things from the reltp. get clear about what you really want in a reltp/partner.

 

hope this helps.

[JChristie]

in general if we love someone, we treat them with love and respect. we want to do things that please them. when both people in a reltp are doing this, it is very beautiful.

 

when love is present, we want to protect that person from harm. to be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on or whatever.

 

we are willing to do things that we may not enjoy or know about to please that person.

 

when love is present, this person is the most wonderful special person in the world to us.

[NateGrey]

If the girl cheats because she is "young and naive" then it just goes to show she is not gf material.

 

But JChristie, you are all over the map here. You tell the guy to "fight for her". But then you also go on to say if we love someone we treat them with love and respect,we want to protect them from harm. So then, you basically just said this girl doesn't love him, right? Since there is no respect in what she did, it's impossible for there to be.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm going to call it as I see it, much like nategrey just did.

This girl ain't a woman, she's acting like a kid.

She wanted to work on things with you, then deliberately deceived you about a date,

Even showed hesitation about cutting contact off with this mate.

 

Excuses are excuses, young or old it matters not,

naivety is still an excuse, regardless of experience or education taught.

Granted, few people stay with the first person they encounter,

But that doesn't mean they play their feelings like pogs on a counter.

[smackie9]

I didn't want to rush back into things however, so I was taking it slow.

 

This tell me they were not officially back together, but they were still figuring things out if they should or not.

 

There are a lot of emotions at play here for both. There was still uncertainty about the future, about if things could work, etc.

 

That guy took advantage of her emotional state. I'm not making excuses for her, BUT these things do happen to those who find themselves emotionally weakened and confused. So for those who are bashing her, if you have never experienced being in a compromising situation in a weakened emotional state like she did, then you shouldn't have anything to say about it. I doubt very highly she purposely intended this to happen like you all are insinuating.

 

I don't think she should go back, she is just in denial with herself that she wants to move on. I know one gets emotionally displaced after a LTR and the first reaction it to go back. She just needs to adjust and then she will see this relationship needed it to end, and it was for the best. She's young and should be out having different experiences rather than being locked into a committed relationship. You are only young once, she needs to enjoy her youth.

[coolheadal]

Testing something different. This is your Ex so she is free to do what she wants. You can't control her as no one should be controlled in any relationship. Even if your trying to fix things she still interested in learning things.

 

This is what I would do back-off! Let her be! Wait and see if you calls you or pays you a visit. Give this a week or two. If you don't hear from her, then move on! Can't change her and even if your were trying to get back together it's all different now!

[Darren Steez]

A few months ago my ex and I broke up. Kind of rough immediately after but things smoothed out and we both decided to patch things up. I didn't want to rush back into things however, so I was taking it slow. We had been together for 4 years so naturally we still have (or at least I do) feelings.

Recently she called me crying saying that she kissed another guy. It was a guy we both already knew for a while. She didn't start to talk to him until we broke up and she showed me the texts. No flirting, just seemed like he was giving her support. I know that they would only hang out in groups of their mutual friends. I don't believe that it was even because they wanted to hang out with each other in particular. But a few night ago she went with him to a play and then to a movie knowing it would be just them and letting him pick her up (her car was in the shop though) and pay for her tickets to each thing. That night I asked her to to hang out but she said she had bought tickets to a play. Didn't tell me anything about it being just him and her.

When she explained what happened that night she said she didn't tell me that it would be just them and that he bought her tickets and picked her up because she didn't want me to worry. She said that he told her they were going to the play to see his friend who is a girl in the play (She claims that she had no idea he was in to her and that she didn't know it was a date). Once the play ended he suggested going to a movie. In the theatre, he held her hand and then asked her to massage his and then he did the same to her (just hand play). Then, they kissed. She tells me that it was a brief few kisses (starting to make out) and then she pulled away saying she couldn't because of things going on in her life.

Now, I call bs on the brief kiss and pull away. I get the feeling that's not how it was because their texts that I saw from the following day seemed like nothing awkward happened. I might be wrong though. Something that really baffles me however, is that she told me she still loves me and that she doesn't have any feelings for him. She says that it was only because it feels nice to know that someone wants to kiss her but she immediately regretted it.

I am (was?) her very first boyfriend and first many things. She is a very naive girl that doesn't really get around. I just don't understand why if she still loves me and doesn't have feelings for him, she would kiss him and all that. And I don't know if it was really an "Oh, no clue this was a date. Oh, we're holding hands. Oh, we kissed. Oops, I didn't mean for this to happen" kind of thing. Just seems kind of far fetched. Correct me if I'm wrong in thinking that though.

I truly trusted her when we were together and know that she was 100% loyal to me. I told her that all that trust was lost. I asked her to not talk to him anymore and that I wanted to see her tell him that through text. She really didn't want to in front of me and wanted to text him later and then show me, but she did ended up texting him. He texted her the next day upset and she told him that she loves me.

Now, I know there's a lot to it, but what's your input on the situation?

Is she feeding me bs? Should I forgive her and trust her? What's your take on this?

 

Yeah pal, she knew she was going out with him, she lied about it, they kissed but she told you because it was likely it was going to get back to you anyway seeing as you have the same circle of friends.

 

That excuse, that she just wanted to see what it was like? Well she found out didn't she, so now she has lied and cheated and you forgive her, what is to stop her doing it again?

 

Let her go, the crying and all might pull on the heart strings, but if she really didn't want to, she wouldn't have lied then gone ahead and made out with him.

[NateGrey]

This tell me they were not officially back together, but they were still figuring things out if they should or not.

 

There are a lot of emotions at play here for both. There was still uncertainty about the future, about if things could work, etc.

 

Nope wrong, OP flat out says they agreed to patch things up. Nothing else needs to be said, saying he was taking their newly patched up relationship slow doesn't negate the whole "relationship was newly patched up" thing.

 

That guy took advantage of her emotional state. I'm not making excuses for her, BUT these things do happen to those who find themselves emotionally weakened and confused. So for those who are bashing her, if you have never experienced being in a compromising situation in a weakened emotional state like she did, then you shouldn't have anything to say about it. I doubt very highly she purposely intended this to happen like you all are insinuating.

 

But you totally are making excuses for her. She's an adult, don't portray her as the poor victim who got taken advantage of. She agreed to patch things up, and then responded via cheating.

 

She's young and should be out having different experiences rather than being locked into a committed relationship. You are only young once, she needs to enjoy her youth.

 

Being young doesn't mean she needs to sleep around, which sorry, that is how I take your comment. I take your comment as "someone in a committed relationship in their youth can't enjoy their youth" which is so utterly false it defies imagination. Gaining life experience via sleeping around is..no way to advise young girls to gain experience and enjoy youth. Especially if you feel this girl was "taken advantage of" ??? Then sorry, she will be just another notch for any smooth talking guy she comes across. Is that much better then being in a committed relationship? Why do you feel she will enjoy being another notch, as opposed to being with someone who might have actual respect for her?