Can I Move This Along? or Figure it out without having to have the talk???

[clynn]

We've been friends about a year.

 

At first he referred the time we spent together as a "Date" but I laughed it off and said "This Is Not a Date!" And I spurned his physical advances, but accepted invitations to spend time together.

 

We've continued to hang out platonically, my feelings have developed into more. He is still really flirty.

 

We have conversations about what we want, he asks if I want to be married / have a boyfriend? I always find it hard to have these conversations! And to answer straight. Uggghhhh. For instance, he asked why I am not married? I answered by asking him the same question. He said he "I don't want to be." Then he said, "no that's not true. I don't know why I'm not married."

 

Early on I didn't want to the conversations because I knew that I wanted to continue developing a friendship and wasn't sure if there were going to be romantic feelings. Now....I'm afraid to have the talk in case he isn't into having anything romantic with me.

 

I have since developed strong feelings for him. Don't want to ruin the friendship or WORSE have my pride stepped on if he isn't interested in having a relationship with me. From a conversation this weekend I got from him that he'd like a girlfriend. But me? I don't know.

 

We flirt lots but nothing too physical. Just hugs. Most of the more "dirty" flirting happens over the phone. We are more G-rated when we actually see each other. And truth be known he is the better flirter. I've warmed up and responded better as I'm now more comfortable wtih him adn his humour.

 

We've just gone through a period of a few months where we were on conflicting working schedules and him spending a fair bit of time out of town working. So maybe I'll just see if things develop from having the opportunity to spend more time together? Yikes!

 

Ultimately it sure would be great if I could lay it all the line . . . covertly. Possible?

 

Or any other suggestions.

[j.carsey]

Whoa... I've been there (from the guy's side), haha even the phone-only dirty flirting. Well this sounds pretty good from what I can tell, you're saying he's still being flirty with you and now obviously you are feeling more than platonic about him. Perhaps he is still under the impression (from your earlier 'This is not a date') that you're not that in to him in a romantic context? This is what had happened to me, my girlfriend had earlier not wanted to date and when her opinion on that changed I really did not know it -- until she told me!

[CurvyGurl]

I wouldn't get caught up in any feelings... I've had too many men get so close to me that we're talking about all this deep and meaningful stuff and then when I think he feels like I do, I get 'whoa whoa WHOA! I just like you as a friend!! " Now I don't get that close to men anymore-- you want to know me that deeply, you need a purpose for being that close.

[clynn]

Interesting thought, CurvyGirl.

 

But why would anyone, me included, wanna get close without getting close first?

 

Hmmm, chicken and egg thing right?

 

You know, you want to get to know someone better before getting too involved? But then you don't want to get involved with someone you don't know?

 

Yikes!

 

It is a risk, isn't it.

 

Thanks for the feedback j.carsey. Nice to hear from a guy with perhaps a similar situation. That is positive! We'll see. My friend is the guy with lots of girls as friends and I think he feels he is eternally the guy girls think of as a 'pal'.

 

I'd like to be the lucky one who sees him as more than a friend and I hope he wants me to be too!

 

Accck, what will I do?

[clynn]

Okay, so this is what I think I'll do...................next time we go out. (Not for a couple weeks probably - he is out of town workign AGAIN).

(and my make believe responses from him....)

tee hee.

 

 

ME: .......Hey, it sure is charitable of your girlfriend to let you still spend time with me.

 

HIM: Pshaw, I don't have a girlfriend.

 

ME: What, all those girls you spend time with?

 

HIM: No, they're not girlfriends. I have girls who are friends. But no girlfriends.

 

(THIS IS ALL basically a repeat of many conversations we've had before; it goes both ways, him teasing me, me teasing him).

 

THEN...

 

ME: Oh, so if we both want this can be an official date then?????

 

The rest I don't know of course cuz it is unchartered territory. But hopefully he'll respond in the affirmitive and then I can suggest that if it is a date then it should end with a KISS!!

[Mr Spock]

He's warming his way right into your pants.

 

 

Do NOT sleep with him without establishing first that you will agree to see each other exclusively. If he doesn't jump at the chance to be your guy, don't do it.

 

 

Otherwise, you'll get your heart broken in a big messy way. Don't even date him if he gives the slightest indication of wanting the relationship to be casual, like he gets to sleep with you but not put a deposit in the meaningful relationship bank.

 

 

You need to take a deep breath, and take a risk and simply ask him if he'd like to go out on an official date. And then go back up to the top of of this post and read it again.

 

If he says no, then you won't be wasting your time mooning for him, and if he says yes you're good to go!!!!

[clynn]

Well, actually, I know him well enough now to know that he will not sleep with me unless he was interested in us being a couple. At least now.

Maybe he would have when we first met? I don't know.

But not now that we've been friends for a while. This I am pretty darn sure of.

Thank you, though for the advice.

Noted and taken. Never hurts to have too many words of caution!

 

We do go out on 'dates' though we are kind of friends hanging out. We even sometimes refer to them as 'dates' but we've never kissed. I spurned his physical advances when we first met. Well, mostly. I gave into a neck rub but declined anything further.

 

Since those early days he hasn't really made any physical advances. Hugs, that is all.

 

I kept turning down the phsycial advances while they were coming from him in the beginning. He would make comments / ask questions about my interest in having a boyfirned, getting involved in a relationship (in a general sense).....but I didn't have much to say, I tossed these conversations aside mostly. Not sure how to respond and wasn't sure what I wanted either. (at that time - prob about 6 months ago...)

[Mr Spock]

I know, it's just that prior to the feelings you were like "No Touch!!! No Touch!!!"

 

And now you're "TOUCH TOUCH!!!!"

 

 

People sense the shift in balance-hard not to take advantage of it.

[clynn]

?????????

i"m not sure I know what you mean.

 

Maybe that you mean his intentions were always for a physical relationship only, at the beginning. And now.

 

And if he wanted he could go for it, take advantage of the situation (unless I'm wise to it) and that this doens't mean he has feelings for a relationship.