kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My boyfriend talks about our lives in term of a definite future in the long run. He is currently wanting to buy a house and all of that kind of stuff. But he never talks about marriage. Is that normal? I want to be married before we have a HOUSE in "our name". Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 My boyfriend talks about our lives in term of a definite future in the long run. He is currently wanting to buy a house and all of that kind of stuff. But he never talks about marriage. Is that normal? I want to be married before we have a HOUSE in "our name". It may or may not be normal, men think differently than women a lot of the time. Have YOU let him know that you won't have a house together until you're married? If not, you have to let him know where you stand. Its all about communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rydo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I dont think its abnormal. I never want to be married personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yes. I have. He doesn't really like what marriage has turned into. He sees a lot of people getting married for the wrong reason. It makes me mad because just because other people do things for a reason doesn't mean we are. He also sees marriage as permanent. UHH YEAH?! And us getting a house together is NOT? Slap in my face as far as im concerned lol Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yes. I have. He doesn't really like what marriage has turned into. He sees a lot of people getting married for the wrong reason. It makes me mad because just because other people do things for a reason doesn't mean we are. He also sees marriage as permanent. UHH YEAH?! And us getting a house together is NOT? Slap in my face as far as im concerned lol Sounds like you have decisions to make then. I would NEVER EVER buy a house with a man that I wasn't married to. NEVERRRRRRR. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Do you want to be married so you are on the title to the house? How much would you contribute to the purchase and mortgage to justify an ownership share? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Sounds like you have decisions to make then. I would NEVER EVER buy a house with a man that I wasn't married to. NEVERRRRRRR. HOw long have you been together? This needs to be resolved soon. It doesn't sound like he's gonna want that. You can still have a committed relationship without marriage, but it requires a ton of really good communication and sharing ownership of a house still isn't a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 It's not a slap in your face. Next time he mentions buying a house, talk to him about what your vision of the future looks like: Marriage 1st house 2nd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 We have been together for over a year and a half. We live together now. I do want to marry him. But I thought that would come first before house buying talk lol. We have a house, there is NO rush to need one right now, but he wants to move more "into the country". And that's fine. If that's what he wants, then I am fine with that. We both work. He works and gets a VA check from military. He wants to quit next year (leaving me working and making most of the money) So he can go back to school.. AGAIN.. Shouldn't marriage be something first? Yes we can have a committed relationship without marriage- we have that now BUT I still want the legal aspect of marriage as well. I want the man I loves last name. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Have you told him any of those things? If his plan is to go back to school & live off his disability check while paying tuition, how does he plan to save for a wedding or pay a mortgage? You two have a LOT to talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yeah we have talked about it. I just don't think marriage is what he wants first, he wants other things right now BUT he knows I want marriage before the other commitments. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Weddings are expensive so are houses. He probably prioritises getting a roof over your heads to a ring on your finger. For some people marriage isn't all that big a deal as what is the rush if your going to stay together anyway and what difference would it make? Owning your own home and the security that goes with that does make a big difference... Talk to him. Your not going to get a resolution from us. The pair of you need to understand what and why the other is thinking the way you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rydo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Ive always wondered what the big deal about wanting marriage is, and why its usually woman that care more? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 I would NEVER EVER buy a house with a man that I wasn't married to. NEVERRRRRRR. Why not? If you're unmarried then the law is very simple: 50% each means 50% each. Whereas if you're married it gets real complicated and real expensive, real fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yeah I get a house is more important,, but we HAVE a house. We don't NEED one. Link to post Share on other sites
Rydo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Yeah I get a house is more important,, but we HAVE a house. We don't NEED one. The same could be said for a marriage. You dont NEED one. And tbh there isn't a chance in hell that I would get married after only a year and a half. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchelle6888 Posted December 9, 2014 Author Share Posted December 9, 2014 yeah we DONT NEED marriage NOR a house. But I wouldn't be comfortable getting into a contract buying a house with someone im not married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Rydo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 So you are happy for one type of contract but not another? Maybe there are legs implications where you live that I don't know about I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Why not? If you're not married the legal position is much simpler. 50% ownership is 50% ownership. If you're married it's a lot more complicated than that. And as the financially stronger partner, you'd be in a worse position after marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Why not? If you're unmarried then the law is very simple: 50% each means 50% each. Whereas if you're married it gets real complicated and real expensive, real fast. Because I've been there done that a gazillion times and then some. No marriage no live together, period. Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Ive always wondered what the big deal about wanting marriage is, and why its usually woman that care more? Marriage provides legal protections to both couples automatically without the additional need of drawing up legal contracts. I purchased a house with my x-live in without being married. Mistake. We split up. We didn't have any type of a legal contract specifying what type of a relationship we had. Tenant-in-common, tenants with right of survivorship, none of that...so... I basically gave her the house when we split. The costs of suing her, forcing an apportionment fight thru the courts, the time involved, and the emotional pain, wasn't worth it to me. If you are married, those things are handled during the divorce proceedings. It's still painful (I did that once too...god I suck.) but you are covered under the assumed contract of marriage. Much easier. Why do women want it more? I don't think it's a financial issue, I doubt many really consider that. I think women are far more happy to think about spending the rest of their life with ONE man, than we men are to spend it, and only have sex with, ONE woman the rest of our lives. Marriage tends to confirm that position in one's mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Marriage provides legal protections to both couples automatically without the additional need of drawing up legal contracts. I purchased a house with my x-live in without being married. Mistake. We split up. We didn't have any type of a legal contract specifying what type of a relationship we had. Tenant-in-common, tenants with right of survivorship, none of that...so... I basically gave her the house when we split. The costs of suing her, forcing an apportionment fight thru the courts, the time involved, and the emotional pain, wasn't worth it to me. If you are married, those things are handled during the divorce proceedings. It's still painful (I did that once too...god I suck.) but you are covered under the assumed contract of marriage. Much easier. Why do women want it more? I don't think it's a financial issue, I doubt many really consider that. I think women are far more happy to think about spending the rest of their life with ONE man, than we men are to spend it, and only have sex with, ONE woman the rest of our lives. Marriage tends to confirm that position in one's mind. Not to mention, men are SO stuck on the fact that they're going to be stuck paying out their a55 if it doesn't work "cheaper to keep her". Guess what, I'd be the one paying the piper if I get married and my marriage doesn't work. I could be taken to town for alimony. I still want to get married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Not to mention, men are SO stuck on the fact that they're going to be stuck paying out their a55 if it doesn't work "cheaper to keep her". Guess what, I'd be the one paying the piper if I get married and my marriage doesn't work. I could be taken to town for alimony. I still want to get married. And you know what Mammasita...despite my failed marriage, and my failed live in experiment, I'd like to get married again too. I'm a man, and I'm not afraid of it, nor commitment. Money is just money, but to find someone you connect with on a deep level...money can't buy that. Oh, and alimony isn't very likely these days, unless you are in a long term marriage, it's seldom awarded on either side. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Because I've been there done that a gazillion times and then some. No marriage no live together, period. Well I learned the opposite. Unless you own your property jointly, it is a huge financial risk to get married. If you own your own home you're literally throwing it into the joint marital assets pot. Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Well I learned the opposite. Unless you own your property jointly, it is a huge financial risk to get married. If you own your own home you're literally throwing it into the joint marital assets pot. Not if her names on not the deed, or the mortgage. Assets you bring into the marriage, prior to it, remain yours alone unless you co-mingle them. Link to post Share on other sites
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