She said she's no longer in love, how should I proceed?

[Thedudeabides0]

First some background info, I am 28 she is 23. We met at work when she was 17. We always flirted at work but I never pursued anything because of you know how old she was. We eventually started seeing each other and had a whirlwind romance spending a lot of time together and every moment was great. She admitted to me she had fidelity issues and had cheated on every one of her exes. I went into the relationship with great scepticism. We continued to see one another and our relationship blossomed into something special.

 

She was doing a lot of drugs at the time and I wanted to help her get clean. She ultimately decided to join the army as a way of forcing herself to get clean and to get away from home. This was after about 6 months of us dating. I did not want to lose her and she pushed the issue of marriage. At the time I was completely happy so I proposed to her. While she was in training I myself enlisted, as I had always wanted to serve my country anyways I just couldn'tbe a pilot because iof my eyesight so I had dismissed the military for some time.

 

She got out of her 6 months of training and came home for leave. We did a courthouse wedding and I moved to her duty station and we spent about 3 months together before I had to go to my own 6 months of training. During this time there was strain because of the distance and communication issues just like when she was in training. When I did return we spent yet another 3 months together before I was deployed to Afghanistan for 9 months. When I returned we had our issues but we were adjusting to actually living together you know?

 

About a year into us living together she stressed she was not happy with our relationship because I choose to escape and cope with both my childhood and the stressor of being deployed by drinking (excessively) and spending quite a bit of time playing video games. I initially disregarded this as her being emotional or whatever and she came out and said that she was contemplating divorce. So we went to marriage counseling for approximately a month and I was working on my own demons while trying to be a better husband. During this time she ended her contract. She was trying to go to school to become a teacher and I suggested that she move back home to start her classes and certifications in the state we resided. So she left and I still had 9 months left. Before she left we spent a lovely weekend together and had a great time. I visited for summer leave for a week and we fought quite a bit my guess is that it was just anger that I had to leave so soon once again.

 

The counselor had suggested that we still have to be married that not enough time has passed for us to even know what we want out of a marriage. Well I'm about a month away from going home, super excited and anxious to see her. She went on a mini vacation for Thanksgiving to visit family. I was kind of hurt she didn't want to come see me but I understood. During this trip I rarely talked to her and to be honest after the repairing that went on when she was there kind of went out the window as she was busy with schooland work and ffamily and I barely got to even speak with her. We have had about 3 serious conversations in the past 6 months and I feel neglected anyways but I attribute that to her unhappiness with us.

 

I admit I have my issues and she does as well, neither of us is the same person we married. She used to be very caring and supportive etc and I as well. I know I have had depression for a while now after looking back upon my life. She is also battling her own demons and admitted to me that she once again started doing drugs again but was afraid to tell me because I can be very judgmental. I realized this and didn't overreact when she told me this.

 

Well that's about it on the background but I never thought this day would come. She has always been about the for life until death do us part and has my name tattooed on her body twice. Now she says she sees us following a cycle of broken promises to change and fights and sees her parents in our relationship. She said many times she will always be there for me, because I don't really have a family and feels bad that she'sputting me in this pposition, no where to go etc. I told her that us being friends wouldn't work because I still am in love with her. I'm just really anxious about the future since we really haven'taspent any time together as a married couple. I need some advice on what to do... I want to be with her but she's always putting something or someone else above us. Just last night we were having one of the three conversations that was more than chit chat in the past 6 months and she was typing to a classmate about a project she had due when I was pouring my heart out, expressing my feelings as one of the reasons she wasn't happy (I tend to be very guarded and bottle up emotions as a coping mechanism from my troubled youth).

 

Everything I've read on this and other sites suggested one of two things, counseling which I doubt she will agree to as she doesn't wish to always be fighting even though our one month of counseling had worked in my opinion. And the other option is the old adage if you love something let it free and break contact. I don't know what to do and am so completely unprepared for the future as I thought I would have a place to stay and a person to love etc. Sorry for being so verbose and lengthy but this is very important to me. Oh and our 4 year anniversary is this weekend. Should I even bother getting her a gift? I had a really good idea for a gift that I had decided about prior to her confessions. Look at me still going if there's anything I didn't cover feel free to ask. Thanks for reading.

[M30USA]

You know what they say about cheaters. Once a cheater...always a cheater. It's not just the cheating, itself. Usually these people have an underlying problem of not being able to sustain a relationship and be content in life. They always need something better--more excitement and passion. It never ends. It's like trying to fill up water in a seive. And the worst part is most counselors will tell you to keep pouring and pouring and pouring more water in, while giving a free pass to the person who is the source of the problem.

[Thedudeabides0]

I agree about the cheating thing but as far as I know she has been faithful. She told me she was unhappy with her other relationships. I have been insecure about us in the past due to this but I have learned to trust her. But I do agree about the pouring water analogy. But I'm not sure if the issue is really me or her which she admits she may never be happy as she struggles with her own inner demons.

[shadow_stang]

I'm all about the saying "If a person truly cares, they will meet you halfway." I guess that applies to the communication issue between you two. The fact that she was never faithful to any of her ex boyfriends is a huge red flag to me personally, and you seem like a pretty caring guy since you looked past that. But from what I read, especially about you pouring your heart out, and her not seeming to listen well, or care, (if that's what you meant) seems like another red flag. I can tell that you truly care about this person, and I hope the situation turns positive for you, but sometimes people get tired, and lose interest. I think if that's the case, you need to be realistic about how much longer you are going to try and fix things. Takes two people to do that.

 

Assuming it does end, don't feel like it's the end of the world. Imagine how awesome it will be when the next girl comes along, one who has a good background, and no drug issues, etc. Don't get me wrong, not trying to judge your girl. But it sounds like you deserve better. What I suggest is to stay strong, continue to show her you care, don't be too forceful, and def don't lose your temper. Be sweet, ask her to dinner, sit down and talk it out. I can't stress that enough to couples. Sit down, and talk. it. out. If she refuses, then that shows how much she really cares. And remember the importance of having to let her go, if things get to that stage, don't try to hold onto someone who no longer cares, if that's what ends up being the case.

 

 

But we're here for you man! Keep us updated!

[violet1]

Honestly, it sounds like she was too young when the two you got serious. Women change a lot, especially during their 20's. She needs to figure out who she is and what she wants in life before she can be a good partner to another person. I suggest you consider letting her go. From your post it doesn't seem like the two of you are on the same page at all. If your having this many problems so early on it's not going to get any better unless you both are willing to make sacrifices and put 100% into the relationship.

 

 

Good Luck!

[Justanaverageguy]

My opinion counseling can actually have a negative impact unless both parties are on the same page and actually want to do it. You both have to want to save the relationship and want to do the counseling otherwise it is quite literally counter productive. Making someone who is unsure about a relationship and wanting separation to go to counseling only forces them further away. Its like force feeding someone who is not hungry a 3 course meal.

 

I like to think of relationships as a balancing act. When there are issues and one partner starts to pull away .... the default reaction of the other partner is to run towards them and do everything in their power to stop them leaving. This is actually the worst thing you can do .... it pulls the scales of the relationship even further out of balance and makes you seem unattractive and desperate to your partner at a time when they are already having second thoughts.

 

When your partner pulls away ..... the correct action is actually to do the same. Sounds counter productive but like I said think of it like a scale or a seesaw. You taking a step back allows the relationship to maintain some level of balance. It does not become completely one sided while you chase after them looking desperate and needy.

 

I don't mean NO contact at all I mean implementing the 180 posted in the sticky in this forum here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Deliberately withdrawing from relationship discussions, only messaging your partner if they message you, not trying to convince your partner to stay or force them into counseling, not being needy, jealous or overly attentive and clingy. Instead focusing on yourself, showing that you are successful and happy person without them and coping ok with the breakup. This often makes the other partner realize what they are giving up and realize that you are an attractive person and they could well lose you.

 

This is not a guarantee that they will come back .... but if you can implement it consistently and show you are moving on without being rude, mean, desperate or clingy it is crazy how often this process works. Also if they don't come back it puts you in the best position to move on with the rest of your life.

 

As a first step is I would actually not give her a gift for the anniversary. And I would only raise the anniversary if she raises it with you first. By not calling her on the anniversary will have a much bigger affect then you showering her with gifts at a time when she doesn't want to be with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't mean NO contact at all I mean implementing the 180 posted in the sticky in this forum here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Deliberately withdrawing from relationship discussions, only messaging your partner if they message you, not trying to convince your partner to stay or force them into counseling, not being needy, jealous or overly attentive and clingy. Instead focusing on yourself, showing that you are successful and happy person without them and coping ok with the breakup. This often makes the other partner realize what they are giving up and realize that you are an attractive person and they could well lose you.

 

It's also called the Hail Mary, which should give you an idea of how often it succeeds . But I agree, it's your best chance. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Justanaverageguy]

It's also called the Hail Mary, which should give you an idea of how often it succeeds . But I agree, it's your best chance. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If implemented consistently from the beginning I think it has a pretty good chance of working. When implemented 3 - 6 - 12 months down the road after doing all the begging, pleading, crying then agreed - it really is a bit of a hail Mary. Normally by then you don't really have much contact with the ex and a lot of the emotions have already gone.

 

In saying that I implemented it recently after going through a absolutely horrible breakup. Not so much as a way to get my ex back .... more as a way to move on and get healthy/happy again. It brought my ex back to the point of begging me to take her back. Emails, texts, calls for a good couple of months - I honestly could not believe how much her behavior changed.

 

For me the best part of this strategy is just that - sometimes it brings the partner back .... but when they come back you have moved onto a point where you no longer want them. In my case there was something immensely satisfying about being able to tell my ex I was not even remotely interested in getting back together with her. Maybe just my ego .... if you follow the steps and the process it puts you in the best space to move on and be happy again - with or without them - which is really the main thing.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, I would lose respect for a grown man who plays video games and consistently drinks too much. I think both of you need to grow up. The problem is, once a woman loses respect for a man, it's a death sentence unless he can somehow raise her level of respect again. This can be done but you need to know what it is that has caused her to lose respect for you. I'm sure previous conversations would reveal this to you.

 

As far as she's concerned, if you weren't married to her, I would've advised you not to get involved with someone who habitually cheats and who does drugs. These are very bad signs that rarely have a happy ending. While you say you feel lost and didn't believe it would come to this, surely some part of you saw the red flags. This is why it is so important to be careful about who we let ourselves get involved with and why we shouldn't ignore the red flags. Because it comes to this kind of thing.

 

As far as the "once a cheater"'comments, I would say that's not entirely true but she has admitted to doing it more than once which makes her morals very suspect. You gambled on someone who was not a sure bet. It's not surprising that it has come to this. You can try to salvage it but if either of you think that being in love is a necessity for staying married, then you're both sunk. Those feelings of being in love are going to diminish over time and what you have left (hopefully) is a deep like and friendship. Not to say that love and passion completely goes away, but you need to have some very substantial to make it last beyond the very fickle "in love" stage.

[Thedudeabides0]

Thanks for all the comments, let me try and respond to them.

 

When I was pouring my heart out a few days ago she did listen for the first bit but a lot of her answers to my statements were I don't know what to tell you. And toward the end of the conversation she was preoccupied with her school group which made me angry so I ended the talk before I said something I regret. I was expressing to her about the time we spent apart and how we had only done counseling for a month before she left back home . I suggested that we continue counseling but she said she told herself before our previous counseling that if it didn't work she was giving up.

 

I think you fail to realize we've been in a long distance relationship with limited contact because of the army for our entire marriage as it is. So asking her to dinner isn't possible. At least for now. A lot of your comments are ragging on her drug use and cheating which I agree are normally huge flags. But she wasn't even 18 when all this stuff happened. She had a strained relationship with her parents and still battles depression herself. I admit I was very guarded and suspicious about her cheating, and very insecure during the early stages but I grew out of that. She now smokes pot, but when we first met I was as well but I have put that stuff behind me. She used to do much harder drugs than she does now but you know the old adage gateway drug.

 

The too early to get married is probably true. Latin women tend to get married early I guess. And she had said that she wasn't the same person she was when we got married which I know is true. The problems we face are a product of our time spent apart vs together, in my opinion. We grew apart before we could even cement our marriage.

 

I read the no contact thread, it does seem like a good idea IF things deteriorate into that. But at this point no contact seems even more counterproductive to me. I will consider this though as it does make some sense to me to help myself to help heal, especially the Facebook etc because I noticed that she had taken a picture before she went to the club with her friends that she was not wearing her wedding ring and that she has already put in parenthesis her maiden name on her account which really hurt. So I can definitely see the benefit to the no comtact thing.

 

In response to my drinking and gaming, the drinking was pretty bad and she pointed it out to me as I didn't even know. There's a lot of alcoholics in the military for a reason, you use it to cope with things you've done and seen. I have since cut back significantly on my drinking a complete 180. The gaming stems from my own troubled childhood where I used games to escape from my own horrible reality. I appreciate your honesty about respect and that actually seems quite feasible for my situation, especially since after she told me that she was considering us separating she continued to have random chit chat with me about oh on my way to class etc.

 

I think that, upon a few days of reflection and inner soul searching as it was, is that I did know that this was inevitable but chose to live in a static fake happiness. When it comes to reconciliation I'm not sure if it will happen because of how she feels we will be constantly fighting and making promises to change etc. I could do the whole compromise thing which I was working on when she left, but I feel she wouldn't go for that at this point. She said that I deserve to be happy and she doesn't make me happy and all that and doesn't want to make me think that even down the road to be in fear that one day she'd want to leave again. Which is definitely a possibility. I have determined that my main concern is my own future, as we had planned to get a place together when I came home in less than a month and that now Ihave no place to go or plans ffor work that scares me and makes me even more anxious about my separation from the military. I had told her I may not even come home after because I at least have an apartment here, at least until I figure it all out.

 

I suppose I need to do as you all have suggested and figure out me first before I even attempt anything. I appreciate all of your comments and advice, and I thank you.