prettyeyes87 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 How powerful is silence/going NC I do not ask this question for the following reasons: 1. Hoping NC will change anything within exMM situation or "force his hand". 2. That I am thinking of breaking NC 3. That I'm thinking of breaking NC sometime in the future. I know NC is forever. What I do want to know is what my silence is demonstrating. And Yes I would like know what it says to the person you initiate it on. Little background on my NC. I am currently NC almost 6 weeks. I chose the NC. I won't go into detail but after exMM said he was going to work on his marriage he still wanted to be friends, said I can call him whenever to talk and blah blah. So for a couple weeks after we were still in contact but everything came to head and I just couldn't do it so I initiated NC with no warning or heads up to him. I just did it. I am hoping my NC shows I think way more of myself than to be second place to any woman. That I am mature and can leave a situation gracefully and have my dignity about myself. I feel like I have my respect and power back but I want to know how powerful the silence is to the other person? What does their spouse think of your silence? An example I have is when so many OW/OM vent about wanting to reach out to their exMM/MW, usually the first advice is to not do it and that silence is way more powerful than words and my question is why? Link to post Share on other sites
Mitzimojo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Silence is the ultimate tool because your other person has no idea what is going on with you. The silence for some reason says that you are having an amazing time and that you are missing that person. Not sure why it says that but think back to past relationships when someone else initiates the NC and you will remember what I say. Someone with NC is mysterious and elusive and desirable. And yes, your silence also says that you are a mature woman who can stand on her own. And you can. Good for you. So here is my question. What do you want your NC to accomplish? Do you want to get away from this man or do you want him back? NC is best way to get away from him. Everyone who has ever been in an affair knows that NC is the only way to prevent you from falling back into bed with each other. The passion just never wanes. So NC is working to keep you away from him and will hopefully last until you meet someone better, and available. NC is also an excellent way to get him back because he is wondering about you and what you are doing and who you are with. So if thats what you want don't stop. Keep doing it. NC will ultimately work. Either way, don't stop NC. It is a very powerful tool and makes you a powerful person. The minute you end it you lose your power. Good luck, be strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author prettyeyes87 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Silence is the ultimate tool because your other person has no idea what is going on with you. The silence for some reason says that you are having an amazing time and that you are missing that person. Not sure why it says that but think back to past relationships when someone else initiates the NC and you will remember what I say. Someone with NC is mysterious and elusive and desirable. And yes, your silence also says that you are a mature woman who can stand on her own. And you can. Good for you. So here is my question. What do you want your NC to accomplish? Do you want to get away from this man or do you want him back? NC is best way to get away from him. Everyone who has ever been in an affair knows that NC is the only way to prevent you from falling back into bed with each other. The passion just never wanes. So NC is working to keep you away from him and will hopefully last until you meet someone better, and available. NC is also an excellent way to get him back because he is wondering about you and what you are doing and who you are with. So if thats what you want don't stop. Keep doing it. NC will ultimately work. Either way, don't stop NC. It is a very powerful tool and makes you a powerful person. The minute you end it you lose your power. Good luck, be strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing. Thank you for your post. My goal is to stay away from him forever.I don't want to risk stirring of feelings on any level. But it def makes NC a lot easier to know I am just being a bigger person and not trying to pursue a disrespectful friendship and that the other person can see that. You gotta fake it until you make it I guess but seeing as I used to think I couldn't go 24 hours without speaking to him and now look almost 6 weeks later... It's not a big feat I know, but it's better then where I started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Maybe this isn't what you want to hear, but the major point of NC is for yourself and for you to move on. Whatever the other person thinks of it is irrelevant. They may think a lot of it or nothing at all...but if most of NC is spent wondering what your silence says to them then you're still giving them too much head space. I understand the need to know you're "showing them" something though, but after you move past that, you stop caring about what they think and realize NC is to move the hell on from it and not to teach them any kind of lesson or care what they feel about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) NC is only for yourself. It's a way to detoxify yourself from a toxic and hurtful situation. It's a way to put your own interests first. MM\MW aren't putting anyone's needs except their own first. Their spouse and the AP are both selfishly being used to satisfy their needs irregardless of their spouse or AP's emotional well-being (surprise, that's why you're a bloody secret) , and there's simply no way out of the situation except NC. The power is in what it can do for you. Your MM/MW may or may not care, but that's not the point. The point is that they stay out of your life so you can terminate the addictive situation you've created for yourself that the MM/MW has zero intention is changing. Edited December 10, 2014 by FusionCutter 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I am hoping my NC shows I think way more of myself than to be second place to any woman. That I am mature and can leave a situation gracefully and have my dignity about myself. I feel like I have my respect and power back but I want to know how powerful the silence is to the other person? What does their spouse think of your silence? The problem with this prettyeyes is that this demands HIS validation. You want him to see that you think more of yourself and that you have dignity...but why? He shouldn't be the one to validate you. Going NC should be about proving this to yourself, the real power is when you could give a shyt about what he feels or thinks about it. If he thinks it means you value yourself or he thinks something else...doesn't matter. He can think whatever he wants as he isn't the final arbiter of your worth is the point and doing NC while focusing on what it means to the other person and what message they get from it gives them way too much power to validate you when that's the opposite of the point. Hope that makes sense! Edited December 10, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I think the reason for NC doesn't matter, as long as your doing and have no plans of breaking it. 2.5 months NC made my mm chase me, and stop being selfish. He got a D and now were together... A normal couple. I think NC made him see the situation more clearly and how much he missed me, it gave him perspective of what his life would be like if I was to move on... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Fusioncutter is correct. NC removes you from the MM completely. You do not know what he is doing and vice versa. It doesn't matter because it's no longer your business or his . It gives you the space to recover your lost self and dignity without MM making demands on you and intruding into your space. Although I am still grieving the loss of the relationship with MM, I would never go back to the emotional chaos it put me in. At the end of the day, there was nothing to look forward to but more of the same ****. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) Whatever the other person thinks of it is irrelevant. They may think a lot of it or nothing at all...but if most of NC is spent wondering what your silence says to them then you're still giving them too much head space. I think that the NC thing is a bit of a twofold thing....and that there's nothing inherently wrong about 'wanting' to get some 'message' sent across to the AP. At the end of the day, if it was an affair and not a normal relationship, someone must've gotten hurt down the way, and even if they consciously know that it was supposed to go that way, i.e. with pain, remorse, etc., unconsciously they still want some sort of 'compensation' so to speak. Plus, I think that if a significant share of the 'negative' feelings is put on the back burner, as in the person initiating NC doesn't really want to go back or just punish the MM to twist his arm, but to really do NC because they have decided to end it and all that, there is nothing wrong with a little 'retribution'... It doesn't make someone less brave or 'independent' to want that MM/OW get the message of NC as a slap in the face, it just levers the balance. There's nothing wrong with giving someone a taste of their own medicine and being unavailable through NC, just as the AP (married partner) was unavailable, disrespectful etc. despite promises they made (99% of cases). (Yes married people tend to be unavailable, I don't want to make a Captain Obvious- Told You So argument here) My point is that there's nothing wrong with expecting a little advantage on the side while doing NC. And yes i think that NC can drive someone crazy, particularly after a while, and particularly if the NC doer is the one who was usually all over the AP. If someone doing the NC didn't know that there was an outcome to be 'gained' out of it and that the AP was totally indifferent, they'd probably not be as strong as they end up being if they sense that there's also some turmoil happening on the other side of the table. Let them suffer like they made me suffer, y'know:D I am saying all this because I've noticed that all NC-related advice always revolves around the 'it doesn't matter what they think', 'this is only about you and nobody else', inner growth, distancing yourself for your own sake, etc. Nothing wrong with that, absolutely, but a bit of spice here and there definitely feels better and motivates through the entire experience. Edited December 10, 2014 by Cressida 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 And imo yes, NC does send a very strong message of dignity and prioritizing, particularly if it comes from a woman. It appeals to the the way men are genetically hardwired, makes them competitive inside and jealous. (Whereas a woman would perceive instant NC from a man a a crass act of cowardice and expect the 'open and honest' talk.) So you go girl, make him feel the pain. If he contacts you, and he will, do not answer under any circumstance. F*ck with his mind a little:D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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