whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Also, the times you've seen him, he's in uniform, working, so that's probably not the time to go confront and talk to him in public. Many cops now have recording devices, so watch what you do and say around him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Also, the times you've seen him, he's in uniform, working, so that's probably not the time to go confront and talk to him in public. Many cops now have recording devices, so watch what you do and say around him. He never seemed concerned about that, we'd hangout for hours while he was working, many times. You're right about a lot of this, it's just is a crappy feeling that someone you were close to (in any situation right or wrong) can be this way. After all these years not a word but will sit so close to me on purpose but won't say anything. It makes me feel unnerved when I see him. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You are in a really toxic relationship. I think he is doing his best to keep out of it and out of your way. Forget what he said about being friends or anything else. Just leave it alone. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
I'mNotYours Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I think that in this case you shouldn't obsess so much over his actions (that he stares at you), but listen and understand his words instead. Maybe he misses you, maybe he loves you, and maybe he doesn't really want it to end, but he feels and said it HAS to be over and that's what matters. One thing I've learned is that sometimes closure is something that has to happen within yourself. I really wanted "one last meeting" with my xMM, and I told him it was to say goodbye, but in reality I wanted him to change his mind, when he saw me. It's like meeting with an ex, where you put on your best dress, clean the whole house etc. We didn't meet, and now I think it's for the best. Instead I tried to get closure by writing in my journal, writing in here, doing letting go-meditations and other kind of things. That really worked/works for me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I think that in this case you shouldn't obsess so much over his actions (that he stares at you), but listen and understand his words instead. Maybe he misses you, maybe he loves you, and maybe he doesn't really want it to end, but he feels and said it HAS to be over and that's what matters. One thing I've learned is that sometimes closure is something that has to happen within yourself. I really wanted "one last meeting" with my xMM, and I told him it was to say goodbye, but in reality I wanted him to change his mind, when he saw me. It's like meeting with an ex, where you put on your best dress, clean the whole house etc. We didn't meet, and now I think it's for the best. Instead I tried to get closure by writing in my journal, writing in here, doing letting go-meditations and other kind of things. That really worked/works for me... I'm not really obsessing, just was curious about others thoughts. I don't want him to change his mind as us being together, that would never happen. I'll never get divorced. I think I'm just disappointed that he just didn't have the balls to say what he wanted & now just shoving himself in my face, he just doesn't make any sense. I've been moved on with my life for some time , so it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenAxe Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Being an OM of 5 years I can input that the goodbye conversation is the last thing I want to hear. I'd rather just let things die. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Being an OM of 5 years I can input that the goodbye conversation is the last thing I want to hear. I'd rather just let things die. Why is that? I'm curious. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm not really obsessing, just was curious about others thoughts. I don't want him to change his mind as us being together, that would never happen. I'll never get divorced. I think I'm just disappointed that he just didn't have the balls to say what he wanted & now just shoving himself in my face, he just doesn't make any sense. I've been moved on with my life for some time , so it is what it is. Wondering, I understand it's hurtful and baffling. But several posters have pointed out that he did say what he wanted/expected the last time you slept with him. I'm curious why you don't acknowledge that. Did you not think he was serious? Many As (most As?) end messily, with jagged edges and unspoken words (mine among them). Alas, we don't usually get to pick our own ending, like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure novels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Wondering, I understand it's hurtful and baffling. But several posters have pointed out that he did say what he wanted/expected the last time you slept with him. I'm curious why you don't acknowledge that. Did you not think he was serious? Many As (most As?) end messily, with jagged edges and unspoken words (mine among them). Alas, we don't usually get to pick our own ending, like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure novels. We've gone through this before. I've broke it off & wouldn't even stare his way when I saw him, that turned into him literally following me. He said I acted like a man & was cold. Then we were friends & it was fine. Now this happened, & I should clear up, he said we couldn't sleep together again but that things were fine & when a run in happened it would be the same it always was. If he doesn't want to talk that's fine but logic tells me if someone doesn't want contact they don't implant themselves in a person's face. It doesn't make sense. Either leave it alone or say what you want. In what way am I not acknowledging what he said? My question was to OM of why would a guy say that & then behave that way? Just is confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
I'mNotYours Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 We've gone through this before. I've broke it off & wouldn't even stare his way when I saw him, that turned into him literally following me. He said I acted like a man & was cold. Then we were friends & it was fine. Now this happened, & I should clear up, he said we couldn't sleep together again but that things were fine & when a run in happened it would be the same it always was. If he doesn't want to talk that's fine but logic tells me if someone doesn't want contact they don't implant themselves in a person's face. It doesn't make sense. Either leave it alone or say what you want. In what way am I not acknowledging what he said? My question was to OM of why would a guy say that & then behave that way? Just is confusing. Ok, I'm not a OM, but I will reply anyway Yes, it sounds confusing, but why is it important for you to understand his behaviour? Does it change anything if you understood? Wouldn't it be more helpful for you to think: "Ok, his behaviour doesn't make sense (to me), but he has chosen to act like this, and I don't HAVE to understand. And I will just accept that I don't understand."? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 OK, I understand what you are asking. IT is more about him staring at you than the affair being over. It is odd and stalkerish for him to do that. It is best to ignore it unless it continues for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Ok, I'm not a OM, but I will reply anyway Yes, it sounds confusing, but why is it important for you to understand his behaviour? Does it change anything if you understood? Wouldn't it be more helpful for you to think: "Ok, his behaviour doesn't make sense (to me), but he has chosen to act like this, and I don't HAVE to understand. And I will just accept that I don't understand."? I agree with what you're saying. It makes me wonder bc I never experienced anything like this before. Im very matter of fact, get to the point kind of person & I've surrounded myself with like minded people. this kind of behavior just threw me off a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Why should he have the goodbye conversation with his affair partner? Did he ever tell his wife about you? Look at the end of the affair for what it is and begin investing time in your marriage or walk away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 if that's true, then I wish he could just say it. He's just lusting after you - without the action. It's designed to intimidate and it seems creepy. Next time you can say "stop staring at me"! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Why should he have the goodbye conversation with his affair partner? Did he ever tell his wife about you? Look at the end of the affair for what it is and begin investing time in your marriage or walk away from it. Where I come from, when you end something there is usually a conversation. No he never told her about me specifically, he confessed to cheating before they got married but he would have never sold me out personally. I haven't invested time into him for quite awhile. The actual A part has been over for sometime, when I met him my marriage was in a bad spot & he was just a side guy to take my mind off things but then we really became friends. I was just curious to his behavior the other day & that's it. I have no intention of carrying on with him in "that way". Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 He's just lusting after you - without the action. It's designed to intimidate and it seems creepy. Next time you can say "stop staring at me"! You don't know that for sure. We are getting a one-sided version of the story. For example the staring could just be him processing the emotions of him being hurt and damaged being still involved after all these years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 You don't know that for sure. We are getting a one-sided version of the story. For example the staring could just be him processing the emotions of him being hurt and damaged being still involved after all these years. If he didn't want to say it, then why if he's feeling that way want me to see it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Where I come from, when you end something there is usually a conversation. No he never told her about me specifically, he confessed to cheating before they got married but he would have never sold me out personally. I haven't invested time into him for quite awhile. The actual A part has been over for sometime, when I met him my marriage was in a bad spot & he was just a side guy to take my mind off things but then we really became friends. I was just curious to his behavior the other day & that's it. I have no intention of carrying on with him in "that way". I guess I'm confused...if you have no intentions of carrying on with him, what's the difference if he gives you and explanation to why the affair is over? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I guess I'm confused...if you have no intentions of carrying on with him, what's the difference if he gives you and explanation to why the affair is over? I know, I know, you said, where you come from that's not how its done...and I will keep quiet, I promise I will not say a word...lips zipped... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I guess I'm confused...if you have no intentions of carrying on with him, what's the difference if he gives you and explanation to why the affair is over? Not why its over, it's more why if it's over is he still doing stupid crap. Just was trying to understand the logic, get different perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 We can all tell you what we think he's doing - but nobody knows 100% sure why, all we can do is guess. (I mentioned to you a few times already that he's playing a game and he knows it bothers you that he is staring at you and following you around. he's wanting any kind of reaction, positive or negative) and he's enjoying watching you squirm.) Either you tell him to stop staring at you and totally leave you alone or you completely ignore him like he doesn't exist. Make peace with this otherwise you're gonna drive yourself nuts over thinking the why's and how's of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I know, I know, you said, where you come from that's not how its done...and I will keep quiet, I promise I will not say a word...lips zipped... I meant I was raised in a very open discussion environment, nothing was off limits & if there's unresovled conflict, you talk it through. Anything else confuses me. do I have to understand it, no but it was just something I was wondering from a male's perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 We can all tell you what we think he's doing - but nobody knows 100% sure why, all we can do is guess. (I mentioned to you a few times already that he's playing a game and he knows it bothers you that he is staring at you and following you around. he's wanting any kind of reaction, positive or negative) and he's enjoying watching you squirm.) Either you tell him to stop staring at you and totally leave you alone or you completely ignore him like he doesn't exist. Make peace with this otherwise you're gonna drive yourself nuts over thinking the why's and how's of it all. I agree with you. I'm just simply replying back to those that are answering my thread. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would respect that, IF he didn't pull his staring & purposely parking near me (he's a cop) the other day we see each other & he pulls in the parking lot next to me & sat there & stared at me, while I pumped gas. He wants to be left alone, that's fine but why do things like that? Sometimes we care for people we don't intend on destroying our lives for. I am connected to my husband but that doesn't mean feelings stop. I don't daily contact but why put yourself so close to me & not have the balls to say something? It's weird. The next time he does this go up to him and ask him why? Then tell him to stop doing it. It's over and you need to ignore and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I meant I was raised in a very open discussion environment, nothing was off limits & if there's unresovled conflict, you talk it through. Anything else confuses me. do I have to understand it, no but it was just something I was wondering from a male's perspective. I have to ask, where is all this honesty and openness where your marriage is concerned? It would seem to me that a person who is as upfront and open as you say you are would never be sneaking around with an OM to begin with. Where your husband is concerned it seems you are very good at avoiding honesty and openess so why do you hold the MM to higher standards? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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