Why is it hard for the OM to have the goodbye conversation?

[Wondering33]

I have to ask, where is all this honesty and openness where your marriage is concerned? It would seem to me that a person who is as upfront and open as you say you are would never be sneaking around with an OM to begin with. Where your husband is concerned it seems you are very good at avoiding honesty and openess so why do you hold the MM to higher standards?

 

Not true, I was very open & honest with my husband. He knows about the affair & he himself wasn't exactly innocent. Him & I were separated at one point over everything. Thats why the actual A ended. I never hid anything.

[the_artist_1970]

We had the "no sex" conversation, many times, with him saying I can see us always in contact as friends (that's what confuses me).. It's not trying to "rebuild" anything, it's just being nice when we see each other, I don't harbor any ill will nor did I ever expect or see a future with him minus just being ok with each other. Usually it's the woman that gets weird about things & in this case it's opposite. My marriage is good (I've been married long time) I don't want a divorce.

 

Really??? And you are having an A with a MM? That is crazy talk.

[Wondering33]

Really??? And you are having an A with a MM? That is crazy talk.

 

I "had" an affair, not actively having one. I slipped one night after many years & I don't intend for that to happen again. I do feel terrible about it.

[beach]

I "had" an affair, not actively having one. I slipped one night after many years & I don't intend for that to happen again. I do feel terrible about it.

 

Then stop "even wondering" about him. It's wasted energy.

 

Spend that energy ON your husband.

[Wondering33]

Then stop "even wondering" about him. It's wasted energy.

 

Spend that energy ON your husband.

 

It's hard not to wonder when you see the person, I'm human. It will be fine until i see him again, which will happen & I'd like to be prepared on how I'm going to handle it. Sometimes getting different perspectives helps.

[Darren Steez]

I may have hurt him but honestly, I never thought of it that way. I've always solved every problem or relationship I've ever had & ended it conflict free, this is just very different for me.

 

...you slept with another man, so I guess "solving this" is silence..hence conflict free? Yup great marriage you have..like Kermit..none of my business though

 

No seriously, there's a lot of trying to convince yourself you can have a perfect and clean exit from this affair, whilst straddling this great marriage you have.

 

Sometimes life can't be tied up in perfect bows and pretty strings. You seem to have escaped unscathed, let the man go.

[Wondering33]

...you slept with another man, so I guess "solving this" is silence..hence conflict free? Yup great marriage you have..like Kermit..none of my business though

 

No seriously, there's a lot of trying to convince yourself you can have a perfect and clean exit from this affair, whilst straddling this great marriage you have.

 

Sometimes life can't be tied up in perfect bows and pretty strings. You seem to have escaped unscathed, let the man go.

 

My marriage is good now, I wasn't going to get into my life story as I only had a question. If I went into it, it'd be more understandable but I'm not. This guy wasn't the cause of my marriage problems (they were before him) if he had been it'd be different.I asked my question bc I ran into him & he shoved himself in my face, i was just curious about his behavior, not because I can't let go.

[Cressida]

Folks, I think everyone should back off with the judgmental comments about this lady and her husband. This is the OW thread and that's why people post here. There's no need for the same run-of-the-mill 'stick with your husband' and 'omg you had an affair'- type of comments. Come on now.

 

Wondering33, my 2 cents here.

 

From my experience as a former OW, as well as from other experiences written on this forum, men usually don't explain things, but prefer to bail. It is us women who need the 'talk' thing to make sure that no stone is left unturned, while men do not need this mechanism to cope with anything.

 

When a man bails or just distances himself, particularly if it is an affair and he has a partner present in his life, it can be for a myriad of reasons, but the main aspect is that he doesn't share that with you, because he doesn't want to. Not because he can't.

 

It is his choice and you have to respect it, because if you don't, you will come across as needy and desperate and he will push you even farther. 'But he said he loved me! Why does he do this?', you'll wonder. The same question I had asked myself for a very long time before ending my affair with my exMM.

 

In your case, your affair was short-lived, non-intense and it did not encompass all spheres of your life. It was also facilitated by a bad time in your marriage, on which you are focusing now. You have someone in your life to give you the emotional fulfilling and stability you need.

 

OM usually don't have the goodbye conversation because there's no need for it. They don't want to give explanations, excuse themselves and perhaps get to say even more lies than they had already said. They see no point in clarifying something that was 'clear' from the beginning, and they just walk. Sad but true.

 

You mentioned your exMM said that you two shouldn't be doing it and that he seemed that he wasn't ok with it anymore. If he subsequently disappeared from the radar, it is because he wanted to distance himself and he had already told you what needed to be told. Everybody copes in their own way, at the end of the day. He could have been more polite and indeed openly discussed about you two ending the affair, but he chose not to.

 

This gives you enough information on his character, not yours. He made his choice and he has to live with it. It really doesn't matter why he or any other MM wouldn't have the 'talk' and they prefer to simply walk away. I think that in most cases, the outcome of him walking away and the fact that he didn't say anything else are related in some sort of way- he didn't feel like putting in more effort.

 

Don't torment yourself with negative thoughts over why he did or did not something. It was his way of coping with things, his decision, and you must adapt your behavior accordingly, as in don't contact him and go full NC.

 

If he contacts you again, you can tell him that you didn't appreciate his attitude and you don't think there's a point to continue a connection you have overestimated. At least this is my opinion, I am not a pro, or some know-it-all, so please don't mind me for saying these things

 

Just be tranquil about it, be calm, don't get worked up. Wasting energy and emotions over something like this isn't going to take you anywhere.

 

I understand that your question also referred to the general 'why' related to all men in general. I don't know if there's an absolutely valid answer for it, perhaps some gentlemen could clarify things for us or just give their input

 

Please stay focused on the people who love you and don't stress over this man.

[stillafool]

My marriage is good now, I wasn't going to get into my life story as I only had a question. If I went into it, it'd be more understandable but I'm not. This guy wasn't the cause of my marriage problems (they were before him) if he had been it'd be different.I asked my question bc I ran into him & he shoved himself in my face, i was just curious about his behavior, not because I can't let go.

 

You should ask your husband about it maybe he could suggest something.

[Wondering33]

Folks, I think everyone should back off with the judgmental comments about this lady and her husband. This is the OW thread and that's why people post here. There's no need for the same run-of-the-mill 'stick with your husband' and 'omg you had an affair'- type of comments. Come on now.

 

Wondering33, my 2 cents here.

 

From my experience as a former OW, as well as from other experiences written on this forum, men usually don't explain things, but prefer to bail. It is us women who need the 'talk' thing to make sure that no stone is left unturned, while men do not need this mechanism to cope with anything.

 

When a man bails or just distances himself, particularly if it is an affair and he has a partner present in his life, it can be for a myriad of reasons, but the main aspect is that he doesn't share that with you, because he doesn't want to. Not because he can't.

 

It is his choice and you have to respect it, because if you don't, you will come across as needy and desperate and he will push you even farther. 'But he said he loved me! Why does he do this?', you'll wonder. The same question I had asked myself for a very long time before ending my affair with my exMM.

 

In your case, your affair was short-lived, non-intense and it did not encompass all spheres of your life. It was also facilitated by a bad time in your marriage, on which you are focusing now. You have someone in your life to give you the emotional fulfilling and stability you need.

 

OM usually don't have the goodbye conversation because there's no need for it. They don't want to give explanations, excuse themselves and perhaps get to say even more lies than they had already said. They see no point in clarifying something that was 'clear' from the beginning, and they just walk. Sad but true.

 

You mentioned your exMM said that you two shouldn't be doing it and that he seemed that he wasn't ok with it anymore. If he subsequently disappeared from the radar, it is because he wanted to distance himself and he had already told you what needed to be told. Everybody copes in their own way, at the end of the day. He could have been more polite and indeed openly discussed about you two ending the affair, but he chose not to.

 

This gives you enough information on his character, not yours. He made his choice and he has to live with it. It really doesn't matter why he or any other MM wouldn't have the 'talk' and they prefer to simply walk away. I think that in most cases, the outcome of him walking away and the fact that he didn't say anything else are related in some sort of way- he didn't feel like putting in more effort.

 

Don't torment yourself with negative thoughts over why he did or did not something. It was his way of coping with things, his decision, and you must adapt your behavior accordingly, as in don't contact him and go full NC.

 

If he contacts you again, you can tell him that you didn't appreciate his attitude and you don't think there's a point to continue a connection you have overestimated. At least this is my opinion, I am not a pro, or some know-it-all, so please don't mind me for saying these things

 

Just be tranquil about it, be calm, don't get worked up. Wasting energy and emotions over something like this isn't going to take you anywhere.

 

I understand that your question also referred to the general 'why' related to all men in general. I don't know if there's an absolutely valid answer for it, perhaps some gentlemen could clarify things for us or just give their input

 

Please stay focused on the people who love you and don't stress over this man.

 

 

Thanks for answering. It was on & off for 6 years. I just ran into him & was wondering if why he said he wanted nothing to do with me, why is he in my face making me uncomfortable. It's not that I'm not over it, it was a run in & I wa curious.

[Wondering33]

You should ask your husband about it maybe he could suggest something.

 

let me guess, you don't have one to ask anything yourself? plus in the past I already had to deal with his 19 year old OW, don't make snide comments off one question or statement bc you never know the whole story.

[RickFox]

Because more than likely he still has feelings for you but knows it's over. He doesn't know truly how to process how he's feeling so her stares. My xmw and I , after the affair ended, we found things to fight over and then I found her parking near me, behind me in traffic, we just seemed to bump into each other. While she acted like I didn't exist, I too would find myself staring.... I caught her at times doing the same thing. That being said, you say you're okay with it, but be honest you're not. If you truly were, you wouldn't be here trying to figure out why he's acting the way he is, it simply wouldn't matter. Emotions are harder to hide than you think. Either confront him or drive off paying no attention.

[bathtub-row]

Hard to believe practically 5 pages of nonsense with lectures and judgmental comments in this thread. Really, people?? The guy's behavior is strange and only a few here have acknowledged that. I guess it's more important to get on your soap box about affairs than to answer a legitimate question. Sheez!

 

Wondering, I was in an affair for many years and we broke it off many times in that time period. For the past couple of years, we have been completely done with our affair but remain friends. And I mean that in a very loose sense because we don't communicate on a daily basis like we used to, etc. If my xMM acted the way yours is acting, it would concern me, too. I don't really know what's going on with him but maybe it's just his way of letting you know that even though it's over, he still thinks about you and cares. He may even be a little hurt. The next time he does something like that, just give him a small wave and and a smile.

[Wondering33]

Because more than likely he still has feelings for you but knows it's over. He doesn't know truly how to process how he's feeling so her stares. My xmw and I , after the affair ended, we found things to fight over and then I found her parking near me, behind me in traffic, we just seemed to bump into each other. While she acted like I didn't exist, I too would find myself staring.... I caught her at times doing the same thing. That being said, you say you're okay with it, but be honest you're not. If you truly were, you wouldn't be here trying to figure out why he's acting the way he is, it simply wouldn't matter. Emotions are harder to hide than you think. Either confront him or drive off paying no attention.

 

I'm ok with it being over, I'm not ok with him shoving himself in my face, it does bother me when he does this. I knew I'd run into him eventually but if he can't be civil & doesn't want to say anything, then just stay away from me, you know?

[Wondering33]

Hard to believe practically 5 pages of nonsense with lectures and judgmental comments in this thread. Really, people?? The guy's behavior is strange and only a few here have acknowledged that. I guess it's more important to get on your soap box about affairs than to answer a legitimate question. Sheez!

 

Wondering, I was in an affair for many years and we broke it off many times in that time period. For the past couple of years, we have been completely done with our affair but remain friends. And I mean that in a very loose sense because we don't communicate on a daily basis like we used to, etc. If my xMM acted the way yours is acting, it would concern me, too. I don't really know what's going on with him but maybe it's just his way of letting you know that even though it's over, he still thinks about you and cares. He may even be a little hurt. The next time he does something like that, just give him a small wave and and a smile.

 

 

Thank you! I asked one question & most people added to it & just want to write their opinion on everything but the question I asked. Thanks for your advice .

[Wondering33]

Why does it bother you so much? Why can't you just leave him alone? He obviously has a different way of dealing with it than you. Why can't you just respect that? Why do you need to have his attention? Why can you not accept someone else's boundaries? Are you always pushy?

 

Like I've said, I'd respect it if he stayed out of my personl space. I'm starting to think either some of you people don't know how to read or you don't have comprehension of what answering a question is. If you knew how to read, it's him not respecting boundaries.

[Wondering33]

who are you wishing to convince that your marriage is good? maybe your level of good is being able to have this long lingering affair. For some its being able to move away from such and respect their spouses. I"m sure with your solid marriage you can tell your husband how annoyed you are about your affair partner treating you with indifference. Husbands and wives do seem to be able to have that level of sharing from the heart.

 

I love how people like you sit behind a computer, purposely come on to a forum that states OM/OW & post something judgmental to make yourself feel better about your crappy life. Have a good holiday season Jesus (since I know you're without sin).

 

Ps- my husband once asked me how to handle his ex-affair partner & I told him to deal with himself. Oh wait, you didn't know bc you assume from one question you know everything. Also I've read some of your threads, you have problems with everyone. You ever think it's not everyone else, it's you?

[anika99]

I think people are just going off what you have said. In your first post on this thread you did say that you have sent text messages to him, and in a post on another thread you said that you will always care about him and would like to remain on friendly terms. Those are small things but it does sort of subtly say that you're not okay with being ignored by him. Maybe people have been jumping to conclusions.

 

 

Sitting in his car and looking at you isn't exactly the same as shoving himself in your face but it is weird. Looks like your options are to either completely ignore him or to confront him and tell him to stop. Talking it over with your husband would also be a good idea. I'm not saying that sarcastically, married people should go to each other with their problems and concerns.

[Wondering33]

I think people are just going off what you have said. In your first post on this thread you did say that you have sent text messages to him, and in a post on another thread you said that you will always care about him and would like to remain on friendly terms. Those are small things but it does sort of subtly say that you're not okay with being ignored by him. Maybe people have been jumping to conclusions.

 

 

Sitting in his car and looking at you isn't exactly the same as shoving himself in your face but it is weird. Looks like your options are to either completely ignore him or to confront him and tell him to stop. Talking it over with your husband would also be a good idea. I'm not saying that sarcastically, married people should go to each other with their problems and concerns.

 

I will always care about him but that doesn't mean I'm obsessed & haven't moved on with my life. I texted him bc he parked next to me & was making me uncomfortable. It's just crazy to me how people make such assumptions from a paragraph. Thanks for your advice

[stillafool]

let me guess, you don't have one to ask anything yourself? plus in the past I already had to deal with his 19 year old OW, don't make snide comments off one question or statement bc you never know the whole story.

 

Wrong! I've been happily married for 17 years and never cheated.

 

I'm ok with it being over, I'm not ok with him shoving himself in my face, it does bother me when he does this. I knew I'd run into him eventually but if he can't be civil & doesn't want to say anything, then just stay away from me, you know?

 

This is why you should tell your husband. I'm sure you have been totally transparent with him about your affair and NC. I think sharing this with him would show him that you are trying to put this affair behind you but your AP is still playing games with you. I said tell your husband to protect yourself. Sorry you took that statement as a snide remark.

[jellybean89]

I "had" an affair, not actively having one. I slipped one night after many years & I don't intend for that to happen again. I do feel terrible about it.

 

Did you tell your h of your recent sex with MM?

 

I'm ok with it being over, I'm not ok with him shoving himself in my face, it does bother me when he does this. I knew I'd run into him eventually but if he can't be civil & doesn't want to say anything, then just stay away from me, you know?

 

From what you said, it was ONCE that he allegedly parked near you and looked at you. Why all this commotion over ONE look? Maybe HE was wondering why YOU weren't saying anything to him?

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm not really obsessing, just was curious about others thoughts. I don't want him to change his mind as us being together, that would never happen. I'll never get divorced. I think I'm just disappointed that he just didn't have the balls to say what he wanted & now just shoving himself in my face, he just doesn't make any sense. I've been moved on with my life for some time , so it is what it is.

 

Just read a few more posts. Somehow I missed that he was doing this weird s**t to you. He might have some emotional issues. He sounds angry, maybe seething. Don't provoke him but watch your back. Maybe I sound paranoid but read the news, people like this are dangerous. But you're right, the normal thing to do would be to sit down and have a normal discussion, part ways amicably, but for some reason this guy has issues and can't. Maybe send him a card or note, handwritten, say you are sorry (doesn't matter if you really feel it, just apologize) and that you hope there are no hard feelings. Maybe if he sees you let down your guard this way, it'll be enough for him to open up.

[GirlStillStrong]

Like I've said, I'd respect it if he stayed out of my personl space. I'm starting to think either some of you people don't know how to read or you don't have comprehension of what answering a question is. If you knew how to read, it's him not respecting boundaries.

 

I'd think it would be pretty apparent by the responses you are getting that you have not been clear or something about your story is not adding up.

[Wondering33]

I'd think it would be pretty apparent by the responses you are getting that you have not been clear or something about your story is not adding up.[/quote

 

I had to add a bit bc people instead of just answering what I asked, have to add in things that I never wrote, like I'm obsessed, stay away, him & his new wife, those are all really way off. In most simple way, I saw him, he parks & stares as hard as he can (he has a history of doing this) all with out a word. That's why my question was why can't guys just have the talk. If we had that I'm sure he wouldn't be doing these type of things. But with one question came a bunch of other posts that really didn't pertain to my question, it finger pointing on everything else.

[Wondering33]

Did you tell your h of your recent sex with MM?

 

 

 

From what you said, it was ONCE that he allegedly parked near you and looked at you. Why all this commotion over ONE look? Maybe HE was wondering why YOU weren't saying anything to him?

 

He has a history of this & following me. I just assumed if we had the talk he wouldn't be doing this. No, I didn't tell my husband this last time (did say I ran into him) bc it was a slip, I have no intention to carry this on with him, so why stir that all up for nothing. I'm open, not stupid.