elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 You don't tell a man with a history of domestic violence that you're leaving him. You plan an escape and play nice until you can safely leave. Very true. Leaving is a dangerous time. "their first reaction will be to harm you, to remind you who is in charge and who has control. " How to Leave an Abusive Spouse: 9 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 You don't tell a man with a history of domestic violence that you're leaving him. You plan an escape and play nice until you can safely leave. Yeah, she said she doesn't fear him, so..nope, still gives her zero right to USE him for his finances until she is ready to bounce. She can safely leave right now, she said she doesn't feel unsafe by him, so SHE CAN LEAVE NOW. So anyone advising this woman to use him until the best possible moment is giving her horrid advice. You don't tell a man with a history of domestic violence you are leaving? Okay, so then she leaves right now without saying a word. Also, you don't make topics about super awesome guys who abuse you are, and yet..here we are. Sorry, just because in the past he physically abused her and she decided to stay doesn't give her the right to use the guy until she is ready to bounce. You don't advise telling him in advance? Okay, then she leaves right now. No, not once she has used him enough so she can graduate, but NOW. Also, is this woman going to go into witness protection or something? If she going to fake her death? Otherwise, if the guy is so horrible and abusive, just suddenly leaving with the kids in tow once the ink on her diploma is dry is going to make him just try to hunt her down more, not less. So again, the OP has flat out said she feels safe. So, she can leave now, safely, like you said. Nope, she doesn't get to lie and manipulate just so the guy continues to pay for her schooling. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Just to be clear, I'd agree with all you saying she should deceive and manipulate the guy until she is ready to bounce..if she had not said she feels safe, and if we did not currently sit in a topic dedicated to how awesome she thinks the guy is. I said that before, but it needs to be resaid: she doesn't feel unsafe, she has no reason to stay other then to use him for his finances. You can't play the victim while playing up all his virtues. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Hey people who advised this woman to keep her mouth shut about her plans to jump ship: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/504890-guy-my-class Still advising this woman to not say anything? Not only is she planning on leaving, but it's obvious she is ready to have an affair, and it's obvious she can't love her H if she has a crush on another man, admits she will miss this other man, etc. So I just need to know if the advice people were giving stays the same, because it sure as heck shouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emerald_11 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Well this thread went WAAY differently than I thought it would. I have been really confused lately about where my life is headed. I do love my husband very much. I will always love him. I am starting to wonder if I am in love with him. My husband is a very in control type of person. It is intimidating sometimes. I do not think he will cause ME any physical harm however him & I do not agree about how he disciplines our kids. An example is the other night he flicked my daughter with his middle finger & it left a welt on her face. He said he did it because she was being disrespectful. I witnessed the whole thing she was excited about something and he said no to her her and she didn't stop immediately so he flicked her face. I know she wasn't seriously injured but that's not the point. He yells, slaps and spanks them & I feel it is more effective and much happier for everyone to just talk to them. My husband & I have talked about it a lot and he just says we have different parenting styles and he behaves "how a dad is supposed to" whatever that means!! It is hard for me to be sexually attracted to a man that is constantly hitting my/our kids and telling me its just fine. It also does not turn me on at all when he gets on my case about laundry or chores he thinks I need to be doing while he thinks its ok for him to do very little chores/ things around the house. I am starting to realize that although my husband is attractive I might be losing my sexual attraction to him for personality reasons. It was a huge red flag that something was really wrong when I realized that I thought it would be fun to spend time with and date other people. I know it is wrong when I am married. That's why nothing happened. I am a loyal person. My husband and I have taken turns over the years supporting each other financially we don't USE each other we SUPPORT each other. I am being honest with him about the way I feel. My husband had to go to court ordered counseling. I never went to any of his counseling. I think he learned a few things from it but I do think he should have continued counseling for a while longer. He cut way back on drinking and things were really good for a while. BUT Now he is back to drinking as soon as work is over every day. One thing I will give him credit for is he only drinks beer now instead of hard alcohol or whiskey like he used to. So him being drunk is more manageable than it used to be. I do not have any set in stone plan to leave him and I have to focus on school right now. I know I am in no financial place to support me & my kids by myself right now unless I pick up hours at work. I think the best thing to do is get him to go to MC with me ASAP. So we can really talk about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 I think it’s smart to get your degree and begin your new career. Get yourself solid. That’s normal and has nothing to do with your husband. Marriage counseling can be good but it can also trigger people who can’t tolerate criticism, who blame a lot and who think they’re in charge- or should be. I’d even consider having a male counselor so he can’t as easily dismiss the counselor for being a woman. I'd wait until your exams are done to start MC. Definitely have a plan for what you will do in case he is violent again. Stay safe. Good luck on your exams. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Any parent leVng a mark on a child is abuse. You need to look at what is happening in your life - it's not good. Your H drinks too much - gets unpredictable - you make excuses for his bad behavior - you get interested in other men - your H reacts oddly to that - the home life is unsafe and unpredictable. I hope you will seek professional help. None of what you've described in your life is reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
NateGrey Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) You don't feel that if you loved your H that there would not be another topic on this forum made by you at the moment talking about having feelings for other men, missing this other man, etc.? You don't feel that if you truly loved your H you wouldn't of entertained the idea of going on a trip with this guy, even for a second? One more thing, I have a question, do you feel part of you might be attracted to disrespectful men? Since your H disrespects you, but you claim to love him. Your scumbag friend in class disrespects you, but you still claim you have feelings for him and will miss him. If you can ask him for permission to go on trips with other dudes then you can't be that scared of him, so if you do plan on leaving him you don't get to keep it a secret under the guise of being afraid what he'll do. You said you don't plan to leave him, so okay. I am curious, how did he react to the information that you have feelings for the man you asked to go on a trip with? How did he react to knowing you used to sit next this man in class frequently?(by the way, that can never happen again, and I'd advise against merely sitting one seat over from, whichever side of the classroom he sits on from now on, you should be sitting on the opposite side) How did he react to you saying you will really miss him once the semester is over? Since well, you did tell him all that, right? If you don't plan to divulge that information don't bother going to counseling, your marriage is doomed. Edited December 13, 2014 by NateGrey Link to post Share on other sites
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