Feel Like I Hit Rock Bottom Yesterday

[nofeelings22]

I just got throttled last night when I tried to get more serious with the girl I have the most in common with that I've ever met. After the most magical weekend with her, a 48 hour non stop date, hot sex involved, texts after with lots of y's on the "heyyyy" and smiles, holding hands, etc... she tells me she doesn't want to have a relationship with me, but does want one in general. Broke my heart. She was like my long term plan.

 

So after this, I realize I'm doing something wrong. Something is wrong with me.

 

How does one go about fixing themselves? I think I'm still completely lost in life such that I'm not able to keep anyone I'm dating. I'm always the second choice when they are looking for a LTR.

 

I also don't meet anyone in the 30-40 age group. all I'm meeting are 20's.

 

I feel like there is something wrong with me causing me to not do well and progress to LTRs. How can one identify their shortcomings and fix them?

[Chemist]

I just got throttled last night when I tried to get more serious with the girl I have the most in common with that I've ever met. After the most magical weekend with her, a 48 hour non stop date, hot sex involved, texts after with lots of y's on the "heyyyy" and smiles, holding hands, etc... she tells me she doesn't want to have a relationship with me, but does want one in general. Broke my heart. She was like my long term plan.

 

So after this, I realize I'm doing something wrong. Something is wrong with me.

 

How does one go about fixing themselves? I think I'm still completely lost in life such that I'm not able to keep anyone I'm dating. I'm always the second choice when they are looking for a LTR.

 

I also don't meet anyone in the 30-40 age group. all I'm meeting are 20's.

 

I feel like there is something wrong with me causing me to not do well and progress to LTRs. How can one identify their shortcomings and fix them?

 

Ask her why. Do you have female friends? Get their honest opinion about you. Ask them for it, ask them to be brutally honest, spare no feelings. Then listen to the criticisms, and really consider them.

 

Also, with most people, the problem is staring them dead in the face and they don't want to admit it or accept it. Be honest with yourself, say the gut thing you feel that excludes you. Then find a solution and attempt to fix it. Then give dating another shot.

[nofeelings22]

Ask her why. Do you have female friends? Get their honest opinion about you. Ask them for it, ask them to be brutally honest, spare no feelings. Then listen to the criticisms, and really consider them.

 

Also, with most people, the problem is staring them dead in the face and they don't want to admit it or accept it. Be honest with yourself, say the gut thing you feel that excludes you. Then find a solution and attempt to fix it. Then give dating another shot.

 

Very sensible advice and I did ask her to point out the problems.

 

Her answer was that she just doesn't feel the chemistry to have a real relationship with me and is trying to cut out escapades like we had the weekend from her life, saving them for something real.

 

She said there was nothing wrong with me, but that she didn't see me that way. Mind you, we've been doing this stuff together for 7 years now and always come back to each other. But this weekend felt different. Like we connected better than we ever have.

 

In truth, she didn't admit it, but I think the two things that get me disqualified are that she is looking for someone with a certain fashion exterior (hippie/bohemian) and that I'm quite a bit older than she is.

 

But she would only really say she "didn't like me that way."

[Gaeta]

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have not met the one yet. I don't know how old you are but don't expect ltr with 20 yo women. Stick to dating women in your age group. It will take longer but you'll have better experience.

 

Second, believe in yourself. If you repeat to yourself you will never meet anyone then you will never because we become the stories we tell ourselves. There will be more positive vibes coming out of you if you tell yourself 'I will meet very soon I can feel it'.

 

Stop the negative thinking, be yourself, there is a someone for everyone. This women here may not have liked a thing or 2 about you but another women will adore that thing or 2.

 

Chin up.

[Toodaloo]

Ask her why. Do you have female friends? Get their honest opinion about you. Ask them for it, ask them to be brutally honest, spare no feelings. Then listen to the criticisms, and really consider them.

 

Also, with most people, the problem is staring them dead in the face and they don't want to admit it or accept it. Be honest with yourself, say the gut thing you feel that excludes you. Then find a solution and attempt to fix it. Then give dating another shot.

 

One of the hardest, yet useful things to do is to get others honest opinions of you.

 

I did this a few years ago and chose people that I knew I could trust to be honest so that I could change the things I didn't like about myself.

 

If you can take it on the chin, which can be very difficult I will warn you, and not get angry at the people who are telling you this it can be a really productive thing to do.

 

Be warned. Some of the things people may come out with can be upsetting as you may not know or be aware that you were doing them... Remember that this is for your own self development and they are helping you not trying to upset you.

[nofeelings22]

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have not met the one yet. I don't know how old you are but don't expect ltr with 20 yo women. Stick to dating women in your age group. It will take longer but you'll have better experience.

 

Second, believe in yourself. If you repeat to yourself you will never meet anyone then you will never because we become the stories we tell ourselves. There will be more positive vibes coming out of you if you tell yourself 'I will meet very soon I can feel it'.

 

Stop the negative thinking, be yourself, there is a someone for everyone. This women here may not have liked a thing or 2 about you but another women will adore that thing or 2.

 

Chin up.

 

Thanks, that's very encouraging.

 

I'm mostly trying to learm from this though. My divorce was hard. A final no from someone I've been seeing on and off for 7 years isn't so hard at all, but it is rock bottom. The most compatible person I've ever found said no.

 

 

I think the age gap got me excluded. That's my gut reaction. Opens another can of worms though. I have been dating young to find anyone to date at all. It's all I ever meet. I don't meet age appropriate (30-40). She is 24 (don't do the math, she lied about her age when we first met). We are so damn compatible, it's crazy, but I'm too old.

 

I think I need to find 30ish single women, but they don't seem to exist. I've met maybe 70 single, datable women in their 20's lately and had little flings with many. I've not met anyone age appropriate.

[nofeelings22]

Adding to this, I was a topic at the yoga instructor certification and spiritual boot camp I suggested she attend.

 

It's a live in, 12 week course that has brought about remarkable positive changes in her.

 

They told her not to see me, basically.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Those yoga folks (you gotta love us- so positive all the time, I say with tongue in cheek) were responding to her tone of voice and body language- I think that qualifies as a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from, on the age thing. I am 35, in an area where most people are married by 24, so anyone single is either too young or not my type. And to be fair, I am not really their type either. I have some pretty out there beliefs, to many people in my community. So I am looking farther afield.

 

My final advice is to broaden your community. Go find some places where the single 30-40 types hang out. Bars ain't it. That's where all the 20 somethings go to hook up. Really there is no one place to meet people of our age, specifically. You need to join an interest group, and/or get ready to do some driving, if you live in a rural area like me.

 

I drive an hour into the city if I want to do anything more than go to the grocery store or movie theatre, and half an hour to do those things. But I know that once I find someone who is worth it, we can make adjustments to our lives as we need, to accommodate our togetherness.

[nofeelings22]

Those yoga folks (you gotta love us- so positive all the time, I say with tongue in cheek) were responding to her tone of voice and body language- I think that qualifies as a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from, on the age thing. I am 35, in an area where most people are married by 24, so anyone single is either too young or not my type. And to be fair, I am not really their type either. I have some pretty out there beliefs, to many people in my community. So I am looking farther afield.

 

My final advice is to broaden your community. Go find some places where the single 30-40 types hang out. Bars ain't it. That's where all the 20 somethings go to hook up. Really there is no one place to meet people of our age, specifically. You need to join an interest group, and/or get ready to do some driving, if you live in a rural area like me.

 

I drive an hour into the city if I want to do anything more than go to the grocery store or movie theatre, and half an hour to do those things. But I know that once I find someone who is worth it, we can make adjustments to our lives as we need, to accommodate our togetherness.

 

Thank you. This is very comforting, just knowing there are others out there with similar experiences. My beliefs are way, way out there as well.

 

Even in a city you find very few people who are compatible with different belief systems. They are often just social climbers abd money slaves.

 

At the ashram, they actually have teased out every single negative character trait she had and have turned a troubled, confused 24 year old into just the most amazing person. The work she is doing on herself is just incredible. Problem is, I'm older. They don't understand or know I'm just as spiritual as they are in my approach to life, except from a Buddhist slant. Sure, I've been sewing some post divorce oats, but I stay very true to the philosophy. Part of the Buddhist type of approach is opposite these people at the ashram. They look, dress, act and make big productions about being spiritual and living like hippies. I live minimalist and Buddhist without using a costume to demonstrate my beliefs and spiritually to others.

 

She never understood this. I tried to do what they did at the boot camp for her.... helping her, but she figured that because I don't dress like a hippie or have all of that complex floral decorative crap around, I can't possibly know about these things. Yet, when they tell her what to work on, including not seeing me, she eats it up.

 

To me, that's her main character flaw and they'll never attempt to fix it because they themselves, though doing a great job, are all about hippie flash and show.

 

Rant over. lol

 

So I guess I have to make a conscious effort to go to various random gatherings? I really am more of a recluse prefering to pair bond (and travel) with other recluses, so it worries me that everyone at social groups will be incompatible.

 

Do they have a meet up group for sexy recluses??? ha ha ha

Edited December 10, 2014 by nofeelings22

[genuinelyloverly7]

Greetings fellow Loner! The irony of all recluse types- we want to meet other recluses, so we can meet The ONE other recluse we want to spend all of our time with, hahaha. I am the same way.

 

As to the sexy loner groups, maybe you could create one. I recently started a meet-up group in my area because there wasn't one focusing on what I want to talk about. It is slow starting, and I won't get any dates from it (it's not sexually/romantically focused), but it is expanding my community.

 

I just keep telling myself that at one of these outings where I am with other people, a spark will fly and I'll meet the one who meets the important requirements in my life. Then the real work starts ;-)

 

P.S.- young folks are looking for guidance, and it rarely works to get it from your lover. She is young. They give her guidance. You are her lover. She wants to seem equally capable of making decisions in your eyes, so if you give her advice, she may be pushing away to unconsciously rebel at the fact that her supposed equal is treating her as a less experienced person. <just a hypothesis!!!>

[genuinelyloverly7]

Gosh a sexy loner meet-up… we may be on to something here. I might just form a local chapter.

[PhoenixRysing]

Having read some of your other posts I can definitely relate. I am a woman very similar to you (married for 10 years, now 30s, struggling to relate and date again). I have gone back and forth on whether I am the issue or if this age and particular phase in life is just incredibly difficult. I continue to self-improve but I think it is important to recognize that sometimes when something feels difficult, it is because it truly is!

 

I think you have nailed some of the issues, 30 -40 is a very difficult age group to date in. Everyone has very clear ideas by this time about what they are looking for, but our available pool of appropriate partners is drastically narrowed. Younger dates tend to not be stable enough, older dates tend to have made a choice that pre-empts their suitability (no more children, never want to get married again, or conversely, want children, and want to get married).

 

So we are looking for someone who shares our religious leans (as they are unlikely to change at this age), shares our view of marriage, children, travel, and sex (as we have no learned that those tend to be deal breakers when not accommodated), is physically attractive (enough), and is not burned out or bitter from a prior relationship. Insert geographical dispersion, often time consuming careers, and potentially old school ideals (like you I struggle to multi-date) and the haystack only gets bigger. Let's not forget they need to also be interested in you and be able to see a future in the same way you do...and well? So more specific requirements + smaller pool of appropriate options = crazy making dating scenarios!

 

I don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know that mid-30s women, who are single, stable, attractive, and successful do exist...just as you do! And contrary to some opinions we are not all broken. Battered and a bit weary? Maybe. Wizened and improved with age? Definitely.

 

I am in on the sexy loner meet-up whenever we start it.

[nofeelings22]

Wow. Thank you both for these responses.

 

They really helped. It is good to know there are a few of us out there left.

 

I'm not sure I'm so much a loner, as someone who pair bonds and then escapes the world (through travel, amazing food, exercise, etc...) with that person I'm with. I'm very much a one woman guy (trouble multi dating, as we are discussing here too).

 

After getting married, I figured I was done being single. That was for life, in my mind.

 

Now that I'm left here alone, I'd like another fun, cool partner to do interesting things with, just her and I. However, they are certainly in short supply.

 

Maybe we are onto something here though. I'm interested in travel and maybe some rural stuff near a city I can get to now and again. Not sure if we are even loners, are we? Aren't we just people who like quality quieter times with that special person?

Edited December 10, 2014 by nofeelings22

[genuinelyloverly7]

Yes, loner is a media-hyped word and concept that instantly brings up images of the uni-bomber and basement dwellers. (There is a great book about this, It's title is "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto"- it breaks up the different ways certain people like to be alone, and how it had been portrayed in the media as a sign of instability and desperation, when really some of our best minds are usually loner-types).

 

I prefer 'socially elective.' I am very outgoing in certain social situations, and once I warm up to a person in general. But I am also comfortable being the wallflower, the mysterious lady in the corner, even the obvious voyeur and simply watching (yes I mean that in all ways- is that too forward for LS? I can get pretty racy when I don't watch my engine's). But I am not 'comfortable' in most social situations where lots of chit-chat is the norm. Social butterfly I am not. More like a social cat.

 

'Pair bonds' is a great concept and term, and a better way of looking at it than 'codependent.' Which is the only way I have heard it referred to in my life. So negative. And so different than what pair bonding implies. A closeness, a growth towards one another, and together, as opposed to in one another's way… Ima borrow that from you.

 

And just to pick your word nits, here:lmao:, it sounds to me like you don't try to escape life with your one so much as experience it with her… or maybe that's how I would experience that.

 

It's official. I'm going to start working on a sexy-loner type of group to get together with in my area. Maybe a tea and snuggle pairing party. Which of his/her PJ's go best with my honeyed rooibas?

[PhoenixRysing]

Loner is not really descriptive for me either, I like the idea of "selectively social". I love all sorts of entertainment and even parties on occasion but I miss having a partner to plan those things (especially travel) with or to mutually decide to blow it all off and as gl7 mentioned, a good snuggle (though I am more of a wine and sci-fi movie gal for those indoor evenings).

 

I loved being married and having a partner in my adventures. I unfortunately chose poorly and ultimately we had very different ideas about what made for a good time. I am definitely looking for the person I can be alone with rather than be loner with - but I have high hopes that he will want to be alone with me all over the world, at awesome shows and concerts, and painting the town red a bit here and there.

 

What I find in dating is I am bit too well defined in the things I can't live without which causes my pool to get even further reduced (too many stagnant folks in this age group), though I have no issue adding to that list!

 

I have recently done some traveling alone and have met many likeminded folks in our age group but their originating countries often make dating an impossibility (geographical dispersion problem). For instance, my last boyfriend was based in London and ultimately the big pond between us became an issue. Meeting him around the world was fun, but ultimately I did still want the regular old "cuddle time."

 

I do think we are on to something though - even if it is just finding singles groups to travel and meet up for cool events? It would be awesome to find someone with the same goals in life. What a cool story too - we met in Costa Rica on a trip and found out we lived an hour a part! I like it.

 

Not helping myself with the immediate conundrum or you two either for that matter, but I like it.

[nofeelings22]

I'm thinking an OLD category would be good for this, actually, to open up the geography a bit and reach even the most hardened Henry David Thoreaus out there.

 

I actually work so much right now, I have little time to go to events, meet ups, etc.

 

I need to maximize my dating efforts.

 

I have to admit, seeing not one, but two seemingly perfect matches right here on this site gives me a lot of hope.

 

Where are the really cool 30's chicks hanging out? Answer: home

[nofeelings22]

Yes, loner is a media-hyped word and concept that instantly brings up images of the uni-bomber and basement dwellers. (There is a great book about this, It's title is "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto"- it breaks up the different ways certain people like to be alone, and how it had been portrayed in the media as a sign of instability and desperation, when really some of our best minds are usually loner-types).

 

I prefer 'socially elective.' I am very outgoing in certain social situations, and once I warm up to a person in general. But I am also comfortable being the wallflower, the mysterious lady in the corner, even the obvious voyeur and simply watching (yes I mean that in all ways- is that too forward for LS? I can get pretty racy when I don't watch my engine's). But I am not 'comfortable' in most social situations where lots of chit-chat is the norm. Social butterfly I am not. More like a social cat.

 

'Pair bonds' is a great concept and term, and a better way of looking at it than 'codependent.' Which is the only way I have heard it referred to in my life. So negative. And so different than what pair bonding implies. A closeness, a growth towards one another, and together, as opposed to in one another's way… Ima borrow that from you.

 

And just to pick your word nits, here:lmao:, it sounds to me like you don't try to escape life with your one so much as experience it with her… or maybe that's how I would experience that.

 

It's official. I'm going to start working on a sexy-loner type of group to get together with in my area. Maybe a tea and snuggle pairing party. Which of his/her PJ's go best with my honeyed rooibas?

 

Exactly, exactly, exactly!

 

On this forum, I've routinely said "codependent" is a positive thing. It's another level of openness and baring your soul to your partner beyond the "door half closed, I'm scared to get hurt" bs relationship where both partners do their own thing and keep a distance.

 

I prefer to become one with my partners and experience that extra level of joy this brings, even if the heartache on possible breakups is worse.

 

And yes... I prefer to experience life with my partner, escaping the average American life.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I'm thinking an OLD category would be good for this, actually, to open up the geography a bit and reach even the most hardened Henry David Thoreaus out there.

 

I actually work so much right now, I have little time to go to events, meet ups, etc.

 

I need to maximize my dating efforts.

 

I have to admit, seeing not one, but two seemingly perfect matches right here on this site gives me a lot of hope.

 

Where are the really cool 30's chicks hanging out? Answer: home

 

 

I had this thought exactly last night! There are my type of people out there (YAAY!)- I just need to get out and connect.