Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) Just to let you know that i had an affair with a married man (i am married too) for about 6 months on and off. We mutual broke it off 3 weeks ago after an argument that went wrong. We agreed not to delete each other from facebook but mentioned nothing about friendship. I've been feeling terrible even though i believe we were both in love with each other about our partners. I felt insecure because of the limited time we had to contact or meet up so i couldn t handle it anymore. I kept no contact after this as i considered that his manner was not good. He wouldnt speak to me for days before the break up as he said he was too upset about the argument. Then we spoke and agreed to break up. He told me that part of the reason was the arguments but he refused to tell me the other reason creating a mystery which i found nasty. He knew that my dad had health problems the days before the break up but still didn't speak to me even though i have explained i was going through a difficult time. For me that was the breaking point as i found it heartless. When i asked him he said that he wanted to contact me but he was too upset. (The argument was because i felt he had really pulled back communication so i felt really lonely, he blamed work. I told him that i had trust issues). After the break up he suddenly started liking all my photos on facebook for about two weeks and posting photos on his timeline from our trip together on my home island (without me in the pictures) stating how much he missed the place (he is a photographer). Knowing his ways that was an indirect way of sending me a message. A week ago he texted me regarding a photo i had posted (i am a photographer too) and what i should correct on it. I replied politely with a yes thank you. After that he slowly stopped contact. I dont want to go back as it would kill me psychologically. I feel really low and i dont know what to do. I insist on no contact. With the exception of just replying politely but firm to his message i havent been in touch in any way (not even likes on facebook )but i still feel low and empty. I love him but i dont want him back. I think he desrespected me and been really nasty. I hate these indirect ways of trying to catch my attention. I think he even tried jealousy by liking all pictures of mutual female friends on facebook just to catch my attention but nothing direct. At least to say sorry. The relationship was always very intense especiallyfrom his part saying how special i was and that he loved me. I dont know how to move on. I am heartbroken. Thank you for reading any advice would be more tan welcome. Edited December 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You really would do yourself a favor and block him on all forms of social media. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 The only way to move on is NO CONTACT. Now, you can rationalize how hard that will be but if you are looking for a fix that will be painless for you it does not work that way. You seem intelligent and if you are you know all this code messaging on FB is just a bull **** excuse to keep contact . You poor husband is clueless and you are agonizing about your OM. So are you looking to stop or looking for reasons why it is so hard to stop. If you really want to stop just confess to your husband. No, that will be hard also and risky but when you get caught again you will wish you had 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 You are right my poor husband! I have been stupid and now obsessing over the OM. I dont know how to stop the thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You are right my poor husband! I have been stupid and now obsessing over the OM. I dont know how to stop the thoughts... Confess. If your honest about wanting to get over this then tell your husband. Affair thrive in dark. To be honest, it sounds like MM dumped you. Not being able to accept that after him giving you the ILY's and so on doesn't give much hope for your marriage. Why? Because as you said obessing. This will create a onesided bond with MM and more distance between you and your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 As i don't know this abriviation what does giving methe ILY's mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I agree that he inisiated the break up with a lame excuse. I just expected that he would leave me alone after that and stop reminding me the good times when posting photos of our times together. This is notthe first time we break up. The first time he kept doingthe same things until i contacted him. I dont know if i should confess to my husband. I tought about it the other day but then i thought we would never be the same again. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I agree that he inisiated the break up with a lame excuse. I just expected that he would leave me alone after that and stop reminding me the good times when posting photos of our times together. This is notthe first time we break up. The first time he kept doingthe same things until i contacted him. I dont know if i should confess to my husband. I tought about it the other day but then i thought we would never be the same again. Sweetie, things are already not the same and never will be the same again. If you're dead serious about not making any more contact with your OM or any other MM for that matter, blow up the f*cking bridge! What does that mean? Confess your wayward ways to your HUSBAND. If not, you're just leaving yourself open and vulnerable for more indiscretions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Thank you for your advice guys andi know exactly what you mean. I just really feel very fragile at the moment to tell my husband as tha means i have to face not only the music but still i am trying to recover from my affair. I feel really depressed and his indirect messagesand contact te other day make me feel worse. Buti i am not going back. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 First off, delete and block him on facebook and any other social media you have going on. it is so pointless to keep him on there. All it does is hurt you and keep him in your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You are right my poor husband! I have been stupid and now obsessing over the OM. I dont know how to stop the thoughts... You get busy living life and spending time with family and friends, and your husband. You've emotionally detached from your H and now it's time to reconnect with him again. Seek counseling to help you cope with the sadness of the A ending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 I know i feel guilty and low. I suspect he was suffering from BPD so it has been very traumatic the whole process. As he would break it off then trying to get my attention again then withdrawn . It has messed me up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Me and my ex decided to break up after a fight 6 weeks ago. I went no contact straight away. He carried on liking my posts on facebook and posting photos that had a specific meaning for us as a couple from our holiday together (just landscapes). I kept ignoring him. Then he sent me a message for good morning. I replied after a while firm but politely : you too. Then kept ignoring his ways of getting my attention indirectly on social media. My no contact period ended five days before his birthday but i waited until then and sent him a polite text with happy birthday and have a merry xmas. He replied straight away with : thank you so much! Merry xmas to you too (my name) with happy and good days. I didnt reply anything else and left it to it. Should i wait for him to make a move ? Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 So much of our daily lives includes FB. What do you want? Do you want to work things out with him? Or just continue on with this cat and mouse approach? Right now he's contacting you! Then you do not answering back only when you feel like doing so. This goes on for how many days? Sometimes you do answer him? What I would do is send him a message like on the real phone (cell phone) and say listen we need to talk out things. So you go to a place where there are a lot of people. Sit down and talk things over. Better than what your doing right now is nothing! This is not how your suppose get back together. If that's your goal? If you don't want that then move on. If you do want to be with him but unsure of things you need to talk to him in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I have started no contact not in order to manipulate him but to get over it as he sounded that he made his decision to be apart from me. I would prefer a direct approach from him. I am not playing games, i do love him but he has confused me and i dont know what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I have started no contact not in order to manipulate him but to get over it as he sounded that he made his decision to be apart from me. I would prefer a direct approach from him. I am not playing games, i do love him but he has confused me and i dont know what he wants. What he wants is much less important than what you want If you're confused about what he wants, you can be sure that he's even more confused about what he wants than you are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I agree thats why i am just sharing my thoughts here with you guys. I want to leave him to it not because i am not interested but i dont see the point of me running after him. That way i gave him his space and mine so i can relax from the pain. He initiated the break up after the fight so i agreed with him. I didnt see any other pount of trying to change his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I want to leave him to it not because i am not interested but i dont see the point of me running after him. That way i gave him his space and mine so i can relax from the pain. He initiated the break up after the fight so i agreed with him. I didnt see any other pount of trying to change his mind. This is a very mature approach, good work! It's making an assumption that he does not know what he wants, and agree that you want should be equally important. I think he might just have communication issues when he is angry. In your case, if I might recommend a book..."Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames." Its a quick read and might provide some additional perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I think you should focus your thoughts and energy on your husband and marriage instead of your affair partner. Maybe there are reasons the affair has ended. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ducktape Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The plot thickens! DUM DUM DUUUUUUM Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I am asking for kind advice. If somebody would like to provide it . I know that people can see my previous posts about me having an affair . You can ignore or advice me on what i am asking. To tell me what to do with my husband (without knowing since the last post if i am still married to him or not) has to do with not you advising me but trying to play the ethics person without being in my shoes. Well done everybody now admires how clever you are reading older posts . Thanks for the "advice" Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I am asking for kind advice. If somebody would like to provide it . I know that people can see my previous posts about me having an affair . You can ignore or advice me on what i am asking. To tell me what to do with my husband (without knowing since the last post if i am still married to him or not) has to do with not you advising me but trying to play the ethics person without being in my shoes. Well done everybody now admires how clever you are reading older posts . Thanks for the "advice" I think a lot of people read previous posts by a thread starter because it gives a clearer picture. Also, a good portion of people start new threads (and omit pertinent information) to see if they get new responses. To be completely fair, you didn't give the entire picture, and, if people are going to give advice, they really do need the entire picture. I think the question is: why omit something so pertinent as the fact that you are married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marialilly13 Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 the answer is that circumstances have changed as me being married. if i was still there i would have mentioned it. (as i said i knew that people can see the old posts ). But i agree that a lot of people start new threats to ask things Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You are right my poor husband! I have been stupid and now obsessing over the OM. I dont know how to stop the thoughts... Focus on your husband. Start by blocking your ex and creating a new start. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I am asking for kind advice. If somebody would like to provide it . I know that people can see my previous posts about me having an affair . You can ignore or advice me on what i am asking. To tell me what to do with my husband (without knowing since the last post if i am still married to him or not) has to do with not you advising me but trying to play the ethics person without being in my shoes. Well done everybody now admires how clever you are reading older posts . Thanks for the "advice" I am not judging you. I apologize if my post came across that way to you. Yes, I read your earlier posts to get more information as to what is going on with you. My advice still stands. It sounds like, to me, that your relationship with your affair partner is unhealthy and bodering on toxic. Clearly the communication between you and your affair partner is lacking and your emotional state seems to be all over the map. Maybe you should try focusing on one relationship instead of two? Link to post Share on other sites
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