I can't "feel" anything...

[Inflikted]

I'm 26, I've never had friends, never dated, never had any kind of connections with people in my life. As you can imagine, that has often led me to some very lonely, depressing, sad times in my life.

 

The problem is, it's really not a "lack of opportunity", or a "lack of trying". I just never seem to really "feel" anything towards people. That's not to say I "dislike" people, but I never feel any kind of interest or attraction towards anyone, I never feel any kind of empathy or sympathy towards anyone. And to be honest, it makes me very sad that I never "feel" anything towards anyone.

 

There was really only one time I "felt" something for someone. A girl I knew, a couple of years ago. I'm not even sure what random little moments led to me feeling something for her, but I really enjoyed talking to her, getting to know her, spending time with her, etc., which I never feel about anyone. Of course, she rejected my romantic feelings, and my sadness over that drove her out of my life altogether.

 

What scares me, too, is that I'm so desperate to "feel" something, that I'm worried that's going to cause me to make some very bad choices. For example, last year, I was so desperate to be with someone romantically (and, well, to be blunt, experience sex for the first time), that I was ready to force myself to have a casual, sexual relationship with a woman I had met online. In the end, I couldn't go through with it, and while a rational part of my brain knows that that's probably for the best, a part of me wonders "What if?", and I sometimes find myself pondering whether or not I should try to get back in touch with this woman and try again.

 

Or, another example. Early on this year when I was taking my last classes, I met this girl that seemed to take some kind of interest in me. I started getting the impression that I could've dated her if I wanted to. I struggled for a month or two, trying to talk myself into asking her out, but I just had no real interest or attraction to her, in particular. I tried forcing myself to find something about her that was appealing enough to me to ask her out, but I just couldn't come up with anything. Eventually, we kinda drifted apart, and whether she was actually "flirting" with me or just being friendly, I don't know, but I could never stop kicking myself for essentially blowing off a potential romantic partner just because I couldn't "feel" anything for her in any way.

 

On top of that, one of my greatest fears is that I'll somehow eventually find myself in a relationship with someone that I don't "feel" anything for, and that would just be super depressing.

 

But this applies to any kind of relationship in my life, even platonic. I try so hard to talk myself into "feeling" something for the people I meet, so as to develop friendships and a social circle, but try as I might, I just feel nothing for anyone.

 

I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm desperately lonely and sad, but at the same time, I know it's my fault, because for whatever reason, I just don't seem to actually "feel" anything for anyone.

[Mirages]

Let us look at the spectrum of extroversion: there are some monks who do not speak, right or wrong, they seem to do fine. Most people want social engagement of some sort, but ultimately this should be based on your needs. What is a concern in your text is you do have a strong desire for a partner, the words clearly say it, but I feel you are timid to carry on.

 

One defense mechanism that you can convince yourself, and I think you may be victim of, is as follows: "Since I am not confident to find someone for me, I am going to project that I am just an introvert and do not need anyone, due to lack of feelings." Be careful to be honest with yourself.

 

Since you are feeling socially awkward, if you have a car, I would recommend reading on this forum for a couple of weeks, doing a little self improvement wherever you wish, then get on OLD, find a date located about 40 minutes away, and gain experience. If you are happy with who you meet, the distance is overcome able, but the distance will ease your fears getting started.

 

On top of that, one of my greatest fears is that I'll somehow eventually find myself in a relationship with someone that I don't "feel" anything for, and that would just be super depressing.

Yes, this happened to me, it was terrible, took greater than a decade to get out of.

[StalwartMind]

I can imagine the struggles you fight with, especially when most other people around you seem to be feeling things all the time. You specifically talk about feeling something towards other people, but how do you actually feel about stuff yourself? I know you said all this makes you feel lonely and it's depressing, I can very much understand that, but are there things in life that you actually take joy in? It may seem terrifying to most, but some people don't like music at all, no matter how strange it may sound to most.

 

It may not be very helpful to your situation but I'd very much like to know if other things in your life make you feel things. Typically that's how you also bond with others and develop feelings if you find someone you share something with, but I guess it's entirely possible your mind works in a different way. Maybe someone here can cast some light on this specific issue, I don't have much experience with people struggling from such severe "feelings or rather lack thereof", but I have encountered before people that simply don't "care or feel" much towards anything, without they actually are depressed because they fully function in every day life and are even in relationships.

 

Have you tried talking to someone professional about this? I really hope you'd consider approaching some options that would be of great benefit to you, so you can learn how to improve your current state. I wouldn't worry so much about finding friends, a partner and experience sex, you are still young and you can still find that when the time is right. You really ought to do yourself the favor to research this and possibly get help so you can perhaps learn to feel for others, without it has to be forced.

 

Since you said you did feel something once, it's entirely likely you can ignite that part of you again, no matter how deep or well hidden it is within you. Without it has to sound too romantic, it is entirely possibly that only very few people can have a sincere impact on your feelings and change your outlook on life and yourself. All the best to you.

[Inflikted]

Whether or not I "feel" for anything is kind of a tricky answer. I can say that I DID "feel" things for certain hobbies and interests, previously. But over the last few years, my loneliness and my lack of human relationships have kind of dominated my mind, and have sapped the enjoyment, satisfaction, etc. from anything I do.

[toscaroscura]

Before you start dating I think it's wise to check yourself for clinical depression. Not feeling things, being sort of "meh" and seeing the world as gray and colorless is a classic symptom. And given your history of social isolation and loneliness, it wouldn't be suprising if you were depressed.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I'm going to take this in a maybe unexpected direction, and say that I have experienced the same thing, for two different reasons, I think. I have posted before about my lack of feeling anything, and it's probability of being related to a sort of post-relationship PTSD type of experience. That takes time to heal, and talking it out. LS is better than nothing (all love, LS!), but a therapist you agree with modality-wise would be better.

 

The 'unexpected direction' I am going to go in is this: when I am feeling bad- sad, angry, helpless, I eat. I eat to emotionally numb myself, so I don't have to experience those negative emotions. It is engrained in our culture, and reinforced by media, and many times our family and friends.

 

Fats and gluten and all the synthetic crap they put in our foods, as well as stimulants like caffeine and sugar, are chemicals that really do alter the chemistry of your brain. Many mental challenges and emotional illnesses these days are being attributed to the toxic overload we experience in our food and environment.

 

I experience much more emotional connection when I am eating a diet based primarily in raw or less-cooked fruits and green vegetables. Quinoa and sweet potatoes over white starches. You get the idea (and if not, I can give you many more).

 

I can tell I am eating too much processed stuff, when I start to emotionally zone out more than usual. It is hard work, processing deep emotions. And humans aren't built for just the light ones. Examine whether you are instinctually shielding yourself from some painful emotion. The ones we don't feel now, will come up later. They don't go away. If we don't emotionally process them, they come up as sickness in our body.

 

And there is a likeliness that you are creating emotions, but your physical body has stopped processing those into feelings, because you are trying to shield yourself from something painful in your past or current life.

 

When you do start to feel, it might be overwhelming at first. You will want to, or without your conscious consent, start to go back into feeling nothing. But remember, you have to feel the bad, to feel the good. You cannot block off one, without blocking off all. It will be a long process, of drawing out your emotions, ad learning to sit with them as they process out. But you will be fine! You will learn and grow and feel awesome one day! You are beautiful!

[Danda]

Sort of reminds me of my male friend, the one I've known for 7 years and who lives in another country.

 

He's a classic Schizoid and we met online as we were both playing online role playing games and were both major RPers. Our fantasy worlds just so happened to bump into each others' in this manner and clicked in that regard.

 

He rarely creates or maintains friendships, has only dated once in his whole life and it was very short-lived, and then he didn't really care all that much when it ended, anyway.

 

But he's not a psychopath, it's not that he has no sense of morality or hates people or sees them as objects or anything like that. He actually has a rather sweet, sentimental side to him that emerges now and then, a little secret romance in his brain amidst all the crazy sexual stuff lol.

 

He is just sooooo introverted and keeps most of his emotions and such in within himself, but has an extremely difficult time forming emotional attachment to 'outside' (i.e. real) people in real life.

 

I am pretty sure the only reason we are so close is because we met online, knew each other for years without any type of emotional, in-person pressure of any kind, and both shared/indulged our fantasy worlds with each other via role play. If I had just been some random cute girl at one of his jobs or something, probably no way he ever would have talked to me in a million years lol.

 

Op if you have a secret inner fantasy world where you play out a lot of emotion/stories/etc in your mind, you should do a bit of reading on Schizoid Personality Disorder (although I question whether or not it really deserves the label "disorder").

 

Then there is also Aspergers which can create a feeling of being set apart and emotionally unattached, yet not in a psychopath sort of way.

 

As someone else mentioned, depression can feel like that, as well.

 

But whatever the case might be, take heart in that all you have to do is work on understanding yourself, and there won't be any 'right' or 'wrong' about you. You'll just be able to use your own self-understanding to figure out what would be best for you in life and stop judging yourself / worrying.

[Inflikted]

When you do start to feel, it might be overwhelming at first. You will want to, or without your conscious consent, start to go back into feeling nothing. But remember, you have to feel the bad, to feel the good. You cannot block off one, without blocking off all. It will be a long process, of drawing out your emotions, ad learning to sit with them as they process out.

 

I can imagine. I remember when I started "feeling" for the girl a couple of years ago, and it really threw me out of whack. I knew my unstable feelings would cause me to make a big mess with her, and initially, I was trying to repress my feelings for her and keep my distance from her. But, for whatever silly reason, I convinced myself that I had a handle on my feelings, and that I'd be fine. But, of course, I was wrong, and my feelings led to me making a big mess.

 

Anyway, as for the food thing, I sometimes have the thought process that I'm going to try to start eating better and living a more healthy lifestyle, but I have a very hard time convincing myself to follow through on that. I never feel like I have the time to really sit down and do the research on what types of food I should be eating, and given how drained I typically feel after work, it's easier to just pick up a burger on the way home than to properly prepare a meal at home.

 

But whatever the case might be, take heart in that all you have to do is work on understanding yourself, and there won't be any 'right' or 'wrong' about you. You'll just be able to use your own self-understanding to figure out what would be best for you in life and stop judging yourself / worrying.

 

Heh. I've been trying to "understand" myself for several years, now. Unfortunately, I'm a very self-analytical person, I often ponder on myself, why I am the way I am, why I act and behave the way I do, etc. Thing is, I don't think I really know what's "best" for me. In my experience, I have the worst judgment. Any time I have to make some decision, I typically end up making the wrong one.

[Danda]

Heh. I've been trying to "understand" myself for several years, now. Unfortunately, I'm a very self-analytical person, I often ponder on myself, why I am the way I am, why I act and behave the way I do, etc. Thing is, I don't think I really know what's "best" for me. In my experience, I have the worst judgment. Any time I have to make some decision, I typically end up making the wrong one.

 

Well from your original post it looks like you're on here with concern/anxiety (or something) about the way you are, possibly vs the way you think you're supposed to be.

 

But not really much in the way of you being distressed or feeling bad about the way you are or any indication that you wish you could change. Of course, maybe you do feel that way? Only you know.

 

But if you're just concerned that you seem to be different or unusual, then my point is that sexuality and relationships for each person can vary quite a bit. And you do already understand yourself to some extent. You're not some evil, manipulative douche out trying to game women. You just don't feel much emotional connection to them. But you are interested in sex.

 

As long as you are honest with yourself and with others you'll be fine.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I can imagine. I remember when I started "feeling" for the girl a couple of years ago, and it really threw me out of whack. I knew my unstable feelings would cause me to make a big mess with her, and initially, I was trying to repress my feelings for her and keep my distance from her. But, for whatever silly reason, I convinced myself that I had a handle on my feelings, and that I'd be fine. But, of course, I was wrong, and my feelings led to me making a big mess.

 

Anyway, as for the food thing, I sometimes have the thought process that I'm going to try to start eating better and living a more healthy lifestyle, but I have a very hard time convincing myself to follow through on that. I never feel like I have the time to really sit down and do the research on what types of food I should be eating, and given how drained I typically feel after work, it's easier to just pick up a burger on the way home than to properly prepare a meal at home.

 

Just to put in my two cents: trying to repress your feelings and keep your distance is not having a handle on your feelings, it is trying to control them. BIG difference. Having a handle means being able to express and experience them. Which I know is what your talking about. So I can only offer what has helped me.

 

About the food- it is actually amazing, (even to someone like me, who has been eating healthy and consciously for years now) when a little more healthy foods makes me feel so GOOD! Add a salad, or a green smoothie (green smoothie's are the best lazy eaters way to get your greens- I speak from experience!) to your day. Just one. Then as your more motivated to do it. Add another.

 

Some great websites for green smoothies are…

 

simplegreensmoothies.com and greensmoothiegirl.com

which leads me to…. thegardendiet.com. This one is based on the lives of a raw vegan family, and about how the husband is building his muscle mass on raw vegan foods. (Just so you don't feel overwhelmed by estrogen in the health-food world;) )

 

One caveat: if you are experiencing significantly high toxic-overload, then you may go through a detox process similar to an alcohol detox, IF you try to switch over to all healthy foods too quickly. Does this make sense? You can google it and get tons of results about detoxing from raw foods transitions. So that is why I say to add one or two meals a day of high-raw veggies and fruits, instead of going hung-ho 100%.

 

Not that your trying to make this some big thing in your life. But I do want to encourage you to try this in conjunction with whatever else you do, and don't want you to get deterred if you experience this.

 

As a last note, yoga and meditation on letting go/accepting the moment really helps me. I prefer Bikram or hot yoga style, as it is also a great and gentle workout. Namaste!

[amaysngrace]

Why do you feel detached from humanity? What happened in your life to make you feel that way?

 

Were you abused as a small child?

[Inflikted]

Why do you feel detached from humanity? What happened in your life to make you feel that way?

 

Were you abused as a small child?

 

Nah. I dunno, I can't really think of anything "traumatic" that happened to me. I mean, I had a pretty rough time with classmates in high school, but I remember my general lack of "frelings" towards people even before that.

[amaysngrace]

Nah. I dunno, I can't really think of anything "traumatic" that happened to me. I mean, I had a pretty rough time with classmates in high school, but I remember my general lack of "frelings" towards people even before that.

 

But nothing stands out? And you've been this way for most of your life?

 

I have no idea then.

[Inflikted]

But nothing stands out? And you've been this way for most of your life?

 

I have no idea then.

 

Not that I can think of, no. I guess maybe I don't know for sure if it's been my "whole life", but I honestly can't remember a time where I felt differently. I just never really thought much about it until the last several years of my life.

[Inflikted]

Just to put in my two cents: trying to repress your feelings and keep your distance is not having a handle on your feelings, it is trying to control them. BIG difference. Having a handle means being able to express and experience them. Which I know is what your talking about. So I can only offer what has helped me.

 

Well, no, what I was getting at was that I was overwhelmed by having "feelings" and I was trying to make them go away by keeping away and disconnecting. But for whatever reason, I convinced myself to stop trying to do that, and I convinced myself that I could express my feelings properly but also be rational and mature, and be able to handle the possibility of rejection. I believed I could do that.

 

And as it turned out, I couldn't. Having "feelings" for someone led to me saying and doing things that made that someone uncomfortable, made that someone want to be as far away from me as possible.

 

I trusted myself, I gave myself the opportunity to prove to myself that I could handle having "feelings", and I failed miserably, and I ended up pushing away a person who was probably the best possible partner I could've ever ended up with.