not what you were expecting.............

[weirded out]

I ama member here but I dont want anyone to know who this is because this is a difficult situation....

 

I had a HORRIBLE life growing up so I suppressed most of my memories.... but lately I have been having this one memory and it has me weirded out, grossed out and whatever else you can think of....

 

Im having this memory of me being 9 and I was sitting in my walk in closet playing with my toys and my oldest brother (13) came in and we started doing something that is not natural for a brother and sister...... I dont know if this ever happened or if its a memory coming back....

 

 

How am I to handle this????

[missopinionated]

You are going to handle it by getting some help, whether counseling or hyposis therapy.

 

There are such things as phantom memories and there are such things as repressed memories. It could be that you're now remembering a real event or it could be that you're imagining something that, had it happened, would be very distressing.

 

The important thing is to get some assistance to figure out if this is a real memory

 

If it is, you will probably want to do something about it -- ie confrontation/closure

 

If it is not real, you will want to figure out why you're having such disturbing thoughts.

 

NOT doing something is NOT an option: these things can get really out of hand and really spoil your life.

 

You may be able to access supported couseling through your employer. Check into it!

[life loser]

I'm not trying to freak you out even more, but allow for some time to yourself after you see a therapist. It's unlikely everything will just come back to you on the fiest session, but you may feel incredibly vulnerable afterwards, and might need a few days off work (maybe go on a Friday or before a long weekend) and try and have somone in mind to go with you (sit outisde an wait) to take you home and be there for you if you need it.

 

as somone else said above, you have to face it, and you'll be better anbd stronger for it, but take care of yourself while you do

 

good luck

[Tamed Wildflower]

Well, obviously you feel a lot of horror and shame when you think about this memory. Children and sex is a very delicate issue in our society, one we usually react to with terror. This is for good reason, for the most part-- child abuse is exploitative and scary.

 

On the other hand, children do sometimes have exploratory sexual experiences, either alone or with other children, that they are not at all traumatized by. What makes a sexual experience horrific and traumatizing is not so much the mechanics of what is done, but how the people feel about doing it-- is anyone manipulated into doing it? forced? pressured? This is as true of childhood sexual experiences as it is of adult sexual experiences. And I don't mean to imply that children should all start having sex like adults do. Of course not-- they are not yet of the social or psychological maturity to have the kinds of mature sexual experiences adults have. Children can peak at each other's body parts for curiosity's sake. They can explore the capabilities of bodies. They can't make love.

 

My advice is to confront your memory. Try to remember the details of what happened. More importantly, even, than what you did, is how you and your brother felt, psychologically I mean.

 

Did he tell you you had to do things with him? Did you feel intimidated? Shameful? Humiliated? Confused? Do you feel that your brother was in control of the situation and you were going along with it? Basically, did you feel like he was taking power from you? If these are the kinds of things you were feeling, then you have had a traumatic experience, and you will have to work through this memory to heal yourself and your relationship with your brother.

 

On the flip side-- did you feel curiosity? interest? fascination? was the action mutually exploratory, enjoyable, interesting, fun? do you remember any laughing, any silliness? was there a general feeling of caring and respect between you and your brother? did you feel that if you told your brother you were uncomfortable with something he suggested doing, he would have said "ok, we won't do it then"? If your experience was something like this, then it may be that you are reshaping your feelings toward the memory based on the societal idea that children are entirely "innocent" and asexual, and that any sexual relations between children are sick. Don't put yourself through that. If your experience was characterized by sweetness and curiosity, don't color it shameful and sick. Don't saddle yourself with such a burden.

 

The two possible characterizations that I have given can be thought of as two ends of a continuum. It is possible that your experience was neither completely mutual nor completely exploitative. Perhaps you were curious and interested, but you still felt pressured? Sometimes these situations can be really ambiguous. Where your feelings are contradictory, you may feel confused about which of your feelings in the memory you should consider more "valid". Please understand that all of your feelings are valid. You don't have to feel ashamed about how good it felt physically/sexually if you didn't want the experience. The pleasure of it doesn't render invalid your not-wanting of it. Sometimes bodies react pleasurably even to touch we do not welcome, and it is not okay for someone to do something you don't want, regardless of the pleasure it may generate. You don't have to feel ashamed about any curiosity you did feel just because you were also in a position where you were being intimidated or humiliated by your brother.

 

I would also suggest that the more confusing and ambiguous your memory, the more you are going to need to talk through it with a therapist who understands how confusing and ambiguous these experiences can be. But I must caution that you want a therapist who will help you reconstruct your memory by understanding the experience on its own terms-- that is, who will help you understand what you and your brother were thinking and feeling at the time. You don't want a therapist who will project societal fears about sex onto you, invalidate any positive feelings you may have felt, negate any power you did have in the situation, and recast everything you remember in terms of sickness, exploitation, and horror. Any psychologist worth his/her salt should understand this. His/her job is to help you work through trauma, not to traumatize you. The other poster, MissOpinionated, refered to "phantom memories". I am pretty sure that this happens when a misguided but well-meaning psychologist entirely reconstructs their client's memory of an event. Don't let your psychologist double-victimize you like this. (The first victimization being the manipulation of your memory at the hands of a trusted professional, the second being your new understanding of yourself as powerless victim of childhood sexual abuse.)

[Tamed Wildflower]

Hello again. I was thinking about you and your situation, and about what I said in my response. I realized I might have really scared you with that last bit that I wrote about how therapists can further confuse you. I know that what I was saying is possible, and that allegations of its occurrence have been made. But truthfully, I have never dealt with this issue closely enough to know how therapists normally handle it. I just fear that I have made it sound like this is a far more prevalent danger than it actually is. And I don't want you to not seek counseling because you are afraid that this might happen.

 

Definitely do look into therapy. Do some research into therapists in your area, find out about their reputation, whether they are well-respected. Ask questions about what their therapeutic model is. The name of their therapeutic model might sound like jargon, but they will be able to explain to you what it means-- this is part of their job. You can also do some internet research into what kinds of counseling is available for people with experiences like yours, and try to figure out what you need that way. I'm willing to bet that most therapists are good therapists who really be able to help you with this. Still, it is always a good idea to do a little research and shopping around when we seek professional help for matters that are really important to us.

 

If you needed a kidney transplant, wouldn't you want to know that your surgeon was experienced, competent, and sensitive? We would all do well to treat our psyche with as much care as our vital organs. :-D

[Tamed Wildflower]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry to be so wordy in my responses. I don't mean to be annoying, but I see that you are really troubled by this and I want to offer to you whatever I have that may be of help. Unfortunately I take a lot of words to say it. BAd habit. :-( But I am going to do it one more time, b/c I'm still worried about ya...

 

It occured to me that maybe you are still weirded out... that maybe if your experience wasn't really sweet and curious OR scary and humilating, you may be thinking, "Oh no!! Me and my bro did something that just isn't for natural brothers and sisters! We did things that people as young as us simply don't do! It wasn't sweet and curious, it was intense! And we (nervous gulp!) LIKED it! REALLY liked it! Uh-oh! Does this mean we were sick kids? Are we horrible people? Oh I am so confused and ashamed!"

 

If this is what you are thinking, Honey, DON'T WORRY! You are OKAY!!!

 

Look, MOST people don't do this kind of thing with their siblings. But some do have their first sexual experiences with siblings or cousins who are about their age. Lots of kids begin to feel intense bodily desires before they have the maturity to make sense of them the way adults make sense of them, where they can associate them with romance and intimacy.

 

I don't think that MOST kids act on these feelings. There are lots of reasons why a kid wouldn't act on these feelings-- in our society (in the U.S. and probably some other countries of the modern world) sex is a little bit taboo, and cerainly VERY taboo for children. Children are taught modesty, sometimes they associate certain body parts with shame. They may understand vaguely that sex is something grown-ups who love each other do, and that it involves the body parts between their legs. To a kid who has nothing of the emotional and social maturity to fall in love, any desires they may begin to feel between their legs can be really confusing. These feelings are embarassing, and many kids may not even want to talk about them, let alone act on them with other kids. Also, for many people who begin to feel these feelings early, the ability to feel desire and the readiness to act on desire WITH OTHERS are two ENTIRELY different things.

 

That said, it is true that now and then, especially in cultures where sex is treated with a little more humor and a lot less anxiety, kids do sometimes experiment with each other, sometimes with silliness, sometimes with intensity. If a kid is lucky enough to have a relationship with his or her siblings that is characterized by comfort and trust, it is understandable that he or she might turn to them to indulge in some exploration and pleasure.

 

So my best advice is still to examine how you and your brother felt about what you did. If it was scary to you, please, work through this trauma with a therapist. If it was sweet and curious, or even if it was intense, lustful, and pleasurable, even if--let me have it out and said--even if you did anything oral or penetrative, and you did NOT feel scared, intimidated, or humiliated, then don't worry. Even if there was a little bit of shame involved, but it was that let's-not-tell-our-parents-how-mischievous-we've-been! kind of shame, you don't need to worry. YOU ARE OKAY. You are not sick. You are a normal person who had a sexual experience much earlier than most.

 

 

The only thing I am still concerned about is the age difference between you and your bro. A while back, I read some summaries of research on children's sexual experiences. (A friend of mine found out about a sexual flirtation going on between her 9-y-o girl and the girl's 10-y-o male friend and freaked out, even though the kids had felt entirely fine about it before their parents found out. I felt bad for the kids and was worried that my friend was causing her daughter unnecessary shame, so I looked around the Internet for what reputable and non-pedophiliac info I could find about childhood sexuality. I found a good bit of info, but I couldn't convince my friend that her daughter's sexual flirtation was alright.) Anyway, there was some research done in which a sample of young adults was asked about any early sexual experiences they had and what kind of feelings they felt about them. It was generally consistent that people who had experiences with others close in age to them (less than 4 yrs. difference) had positive feelings, whereas those with experiences with other kids further from their own age (more than 4 yrs.) were disturbed and confused about it. It seems to me that the trouble with the age difference is that the people involved won't understand the experience the same way. This can make the experience really exploitative, because the older one can manipulate the understanding of the younger one-- for example an older brother telling his younger sister, "I'm making up a game and you have to play it with me," whereas he's really thinking, "Cool! I can trick my younger sister into (_fill_in_the_blank_)." I don't have the stomach to fill in the blank myself here, but what would go in the blank would be any phrase for sex that would indicate a more mature understanding on the part of the brother, and one entirely different than the understanding he is trying to plant in the sister's head. As I understand it, it is this disconnect between the understanding of the older and the younger, and this manipulation of the understanding of the younger by the older, that makes the experience abusive.

 

So, if you feel that you were manipulated into doing whatever you did, please, do get help. But if you participated freely, please, don't think you are sick. Either way, you don't have to feel ashamed. YOU ARE OKAY.

 

 

 

Can anyone else who has actually experienced something like this (either abuse or childhood exploration) offer her some reassurance?