Confession of a MW

[alorabella]

So, new to this thread and I may be wrong to post here but wanted to tell my story. I just ended a 5 year affair after my AP told me that he was starting to have feelings for a woman he knows from his triathlon team. I'd been suspecting for some time that he had untapped feelings for another woman who is also on the team as he would frequently mention how great she is and what a sweetheart she was, so the notion of him having feelings for someone else wasn't too far off my radar, just didn't expect it with this particular person.

 

In any event, I immediately went numb but felt that with him telling me this, I had no choice but to step aside and let him pursue his feelings. He told me he had feelings for me too, but he's been wanting to be in a relationship for a long time now (he is divorced and when we met, he was in the process of getting that divorce). When he said that, my heart sank and I had to walk out before completely breaking down. In the past 5 years, I've given him my heart, mind, body and to hear him say that was too much to bear. We never spoke of me leaving my husband as I assumed he didn't want that and was perfectly fine with what we had.

 

I've been struggling with this whole thing for the past two weeks and have gone NC except texts to extend my condolences to him on his mother's passing, which happened the same week I ended things. I felt our relationship transcended a fling or tryst...we've gone on vacations, I've supported him through losing his job, etc. For the past 5 years we've either talked every day or seen each other, so going NC has been a struggle. What I felt was love, but I never articulated that because I always felt it would make him run or freak him out. I'm working on moving on and currently in therapy to process this and to decide if I want to stay in my marriage. I've started 3 emails to my AP and deleted them as I don't know if that will complicate things more to send an email stating my feelings. Thoughts?

[jbrent890]

What you had with your AP was a relationship, not an affair. Do you honestly think that you will fully be able to recommit to your husband after that? I know you are processing a lot right now, but you should probably leave your husband. However bad of a husband he might have been, nobody deserves to get cheated on, especially for five years. I think you should let both men go and start fresh with someone new. Now that you are done with your AP and the depression is kicking in, your husband is going to know that something is up.

[anika99]

I think first of all you should sort your marriage out and if you decide to divorce don't contact the other man until you have moved out and the divorce is at least in the works if not final.

 

 

Anything else would be selfish. Emailing him now to tell him your true feelings would just confuse him and possibly pull him back to the affair which isn't fair to him. If he wants an honest out in the open relationship and you can't give him that then you need to let him go. He doesn't deserve to waste his live being the OM.

[Poppy47]

I was in an A for 5 years also as the single OW.

 

I hate to sound harsh, but you have had your cake and eaten it too for a really long time. Did you expect to do that for the rest of your life? Perhaps you never really thought about it.

 

You might have given him your heart, mind and body, but where are you??? Still in your marriage.

 

I think it's the best thing your AP can do for himself and his future. He seems to realise there isn't one with you.

 

If you wanted him, you should have done something about it before. The bus seems to have departed without you.

 

I don't think you will be able to reconcile with your husband it you truly had such deep feelings for your AP. xMM told me that he couldn't give himself one hundred perecent to his wife again after the A. He was 72 when we parted, so age and finances made it impossible for him to leave. He is stuck, but you don't have to be.

 

Give yourself some time. 5 years is a great big chunk of your life.

Best Wishes Poppy

[Hope Shimmers]

"In the past 5 years, I've given him my heart, mind, body"

 

Nonsense. You didn't give him what he needed. Because you are married. And you still won't. And he found it with someone else.

 

What did you expect?

[GoBlue]

Five years is a very long time to be in such a relationship. If you were with a man who was willingly involved with you - a married woman - did you really expect that he would stick around for the rest of your lives? I am not trying to minimize your heartache or sense of loss because it truly is a loss no matter how illicit it really was. Don't you think it's time to share these things with your husband though? I mean, honestly, I can't imagine being married to someone who was involved in an affair for five years...did he know? Has he ever asked questions? What on earth is the suggestion of your therapist?

[Ducky71]

Turn about is fair play.

 

 

What goes around, comes around.

 

 

I'm not trying to me mean, but I have trouble feeling bad for you.

 

 

I hope things get better for you, I really do, but you've made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

[alorabella]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I'm working on correcting the things that put me in this position. I am certain things will work out for all parties involved.

[Rainbowlove]

I feel your pain. Regardless of whether or not you are married, you lost someone you loved.

 

Allow yourself time to mourn that properly. The problem is how can you do that still in your marriage? Your depression and sadness will be visible to your spouse and then how do you explain it?

 

Don't chase after him.

 

Get your situation at home figured out. Stay or leave your marriage. Take care of yourself by resolving that first.

 

Counseling is a good first step.

[Poppy47]

Turn about is fair play.

 

 

What goes around, comes around.

 

 

I'm not trying to me mean, but I have trouble feeling bad for you.

 

 

I hope things get better for you, I really do, but you've made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

 

I agree. I was the OW for 5 years.

xMM was mortally wounded when I started dating other men at the end of the relationship. I realised that I had a future to look after and it would be without him.

 

Alorabella cannot have it all forever.

 

Poppy.

[Georgia2014]

You brought this pain on yourself. Karma is a bitch plain and simple.

[bigman1]

You are in for a heck of a rude awaking and may just end up alone. First, what type of real "relationship" involves one person not knowing whether the other one wanted to be with them forever, or exclusively, or just divorced from your spouse? You were afraid that you would "run him off". You gave your heart, soul, mind, and body to this guy and NEVER talked about a future?

 

My dear cheating wife, you were in fairy tale land. The land of sex, vacations, bliss, and bull****. See, once it came down to a real relationship, OM did not consider you. He was happy with what he had with you, its just that you don't realize what he had with you.

 

What he had with you was fun and sex. Your husband paid the freight and did all of the work, but your lover reaped the benefits. He had no intention of actually going all in with you. He cared about you. He felt things for you. He enjoyed his moments with you. He enjoyed your support. That being said, he was not going to spend a life with you and probably would not keep you on the side. Let me ask you this, why end a good thing? What does he get by telling you that he is going for someone else? That was really not necessary given that you all were cheaters anyway. That he could have kept you or asked for more from you and chose not to should tell you a whole lot.

 

As chauvanistic as this sounds, a lot of men put women in categories for relationships. The basic categories are the women you can marry, the women you bang, and friends. A man might marry a friend, and he might become friends with a woman he would bang, but he will never marry a woman who is for banging.

 

Now you see why I say that you may end up alone. Your lover only wanted you for a purpose, to fulfill needs he had. Your husband, when this comes out, is going to probably want you gone. You, still believing that you had something real with your lover and being so used to having your cake and eating it too, are going to be lost.

[whichwayisup]

I'm working on moving on and currently in therapy to process this and to decide if I want to stay in my marriage. I've started 3 emails to my AP and deleted them as I don't know if that will complicate things more to send an email stating my feelings. Thoughts?

 

Your (ex)AP shouldn't be a factor in your decision whether you divorce your husband or not. Divorce because you'd rather be alone and on your own than stay married one minute longer.

 

Your (ex)AP has found someone that has potential for a long term real out in the open relationship, so be happy for him even though it hurts you.

 

Fix your own life, whether you stay or divorce. If you do end up divorcing and this OM becomes single at some point, then you can 'date' him in a proper way, get to know him outside of an affair setting...But for now, he isn't an option.