everybody Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 She was separated, we dated on and off for a year. I set a date to move out of state and in my last few months before leaving we started falling in love. It was so hard leaving her, but my big city ambitions compelled me. But instead of us gradually losing touch, our bond somehow grew stronger and when I came back for a visit a few months after leaving we were in love. But we didn't say it, too cautious for that. Long story short, she was to visit me and who knows maybe even move up here. But she got scared, it fell through, and she got back with her husband right before the divorce was to finalize. Months later, just as I begin to recover emotionally from the loss, she initiates contact. Says she misses me terribly. Says she realizes she loves me. She's still with husband though and feels scared to make any life changes even though she's not satisfied with him and misses me to the extent she does... but we talked on the phone and somehow, even though I kept trying to go back to how she made her choice and should work on her marriage, I also couldn't stop coming back to intimate feelings between us and how much I missed her and how she felt about me... the whole thing fell apart and devolved and our 2 hour conversation culminated in plans for her to fly up here very soon and stay with me a few days behind her husband's back. I had brushed off her suggestion in the middle of the conversation as a pipe dream but realize she meant it towards the end and I just gave in and legitimized and encouraged it. Since then we've been hammering out the details, sharing sweet texts, and sexting... no mention of her husband for days, it's been great. But now it's come down to the lurid part, and her detailing and asking for feedback on the lies she's going to feed her husband. I talked to her tonight and it was such a turn off to hear her discussing the ins and outs of the lie and how to pull it off believably, how I could help her, her finding details about it humorous enough to laugh off... it's not the girl I know and love, and.. this whole thing just isn't me... but is it? Can I stop myself? I've never been able to control myself around her, she drives me so wild... the prospect of spending a few nights with her, having her again, being with her and having the kind of fun we used to have, the tenderness, we've known such beautiful times, had such still moments, hot hot sex... it's so hard to even think about telling her we can't do this. In my heart I feel like I want to be the kind of man that's strong enough to put a stop to this, but it's so hard because not only do I really love this girl but I have no other prospects right now.. If I'm being honest, not a lot is going on for me right now, I'm just outside NYC in a village that is not very ripe for meeting women. I've had one date but I couldn't bring myself to make a move because I just didn't feel it... this girl I've been talking about though, man it's just so electric and unlike anything I've known before. I know if she comes up it will be fun but short-lived and I will want more. And though she talks as if moving up and leaving her husband is a possibility, I feel like that's probably very unlikely.. and if she would, could I trust her? Do I chock up her cheating to being unfulfilled by a marriage she got into way too young and to our deep connection? Or is it just her cheating heart... Any wisdom is appreciated. I know I've gone on and on, but writing it all out is cathartic and perhaps helpful for me in processing all this. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Put yourself in the shoes of her Husband and if she is so willing to lie to him. What lies has she told you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 If they cheat with you......they will cheat on you as well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 It's turning you off because you can see how cunning and deceitful she can be. You are made quite aware what she is capable of. It's disturbing. Naturally. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
mintcondition Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 But now it's come down to the lurid part, and her detailing and asking for feedback on the lies she's going to feed her husband. I talked to her tonight and it was such a turn off to hear her discussing the ins and outs of the lie and how to pull it off believably, how I could help her, her finding details about it humorous enough to laugh off... it's not the girl I know and love, and.. . Disturbing! Have you ever heard of the term Femme Fatale? Are you familiar with the Siren in Greek mythology? It sounds like you've fallen for one. Be careful because this woman sounds like she's full of $hit, and she's manipulating you with pulling you in and pushing you away tactics. This leaves you guessing, anxious, desperate, and unsure of where you stand in the relationship which is exactly where she wants you to be. She probably is a very charming individual, but she will never fall for you the way you've fallen for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 If I'm being honest, not a lot is going on for me right now, I'm just outside NYC in a village that is not very ripe for meeting women. If you didn't have anything in the frig for dinner, would you steal groceries from the local supermarket ??? The challenges in your life don't validate a solution that comes at someone else's expense. Ethics 101. Your difficultly meeting other women is tied to the fact that you aren't really available. Your head is somewhere else... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I can't imagine why you are wasting your time and energy on her = she is married! She has had the golden opportunity to get divorced...but she didn't make sure that happened. She is willing to use her husband and willing to use you to. It sickens me that women do this to men...more that men allow it. She's used you because you've allowed her to. So stop allowing it...that way you have room to romance an available woman who doesn't participate by lying and keeping you as their secret. She has asked to to compromise your future, your happiness and your goals and morals = ALL because she is a selfish and greedy woman. If love to know what is attractive about those qualities? My suggestion is to get busy dating available women and stop all contact with that woman that uses you. She will find your replacement quickly, unfortunately for her next victim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author everybody Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 Thank you for your input, guys. Beach, I feel that you have valid points, even though it's hard to accept... honestly, it might be hard to imagine why I'd waste my time, but it's very deep-seated.. plus, she's my exact type and it's just perfect when we're together. I'm a very passionate person, and as an artist, she's been my perfect muse... she inspired countless poems, songs, paintings, thousands and thousands of photos I've made with her on our adventures (I'm a photographer). All the time I miss her and wish to include her in new projects. And then there's this dynamic where, it took awhile for her to have sex with me but once we were there she's just got this side to her that opened, like fire... she's quite religious, though not church-going, and I'm not religious or spiritual in any sense... but it never comes up or matters to us. It just feels right being with her... we could have fun doing anything, going anywhere, just walking around is a pleasure. She's sweet to me. I remember the first time we held hands crossing a walking bridge, I felt so satisfied. Even just standing next to her, being close enough to smell her hair, gives me pleasure. She makes me want to be a better person, it's on that level. I quit smoking for me but I know part of it was being inspired by her healthiness... things that I've never been interested in or even refused to ever do like dancing or going on roller coasters, her enthusiasm for those things made me want to do them with her and I enjoy them even separate from her now. So that's the thing... this isn't just a girl to me... this is the girl. And I am so damn nuts about her. I would never look back if I thought she was happy with her husband. I want her to be happy. But I can't stand the thought that fear of change and leaving her hometown has kept her in a passionless marriage and from making the leap to be with me and lead a life she would enjoy more. I hate that idea, it feels like a betrayal of life to me. Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Aye yi yi You're in for a world of pain 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Honey, she's right where she chooses to be. She's not unhappy. Not enough to choose you. She's not in a passionless marriage - she needs to tell you those lies so you keep participating. You're seeing how happy she gets to pull a fast one on the man she married - the man she claims to love. That's cruel of her! Why are you thinking being her plan B is good enough? It shouldn't be for you. Read the infidelity and OM/OW sections of this forum - you will understand better how much the cheater lies and is consistently selfish. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) Good people don't do this to each other. You're unable to see how inherently selfish and harmful her actions are. Stop listening to her words. If she loved you and wanted to be with you she simply would do it. Good people get a divorce in this case or end the affair to fix the marriage. Not string you along indefinitely. Good people don't cheat and hurt people. If your relationship with your MW was so good, why are you posting in here for? Because you know something is incredibly wrong with the picture. She's deceitful, lying, manipulative, cruel, and unloving. People that love each other don't do this to each other. Try for one second to view life through her husbands eyes. I know it s hard since all you can see is what you have with MW. Being alone and feeling lonely is better than her pain of being her side piece. Have some standards for yourself please. Treat her like she will never leave her husband and just exit the situation. She doesn't love you as a person, she loves you as an experience. That's just plain cruel to you. You're simply unable to see it but it is painful obvious to everyone here. In time you will see that's she's actually a monster. PS. She's not thinking about you when she's having sex with her husband. Edited December 11, 2014 by FusionCutter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mintcondition Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Read my first post again. You are being taking to the cleaners with her charming and manipulative ways, but you don't see it! She is married, so all that hand holding, not having sex right away,"making you a better person", religious, spiritual, etc. stuff., these are all tactics of a user. She plays games with you, her husband, and other lovers who have come and gone, and are in her future prospect pipeline. Here's the deal... if you can just handle having sex only without any emotions or expectation then you're good to go. Just don't give into her games. But you've fallen for her hook line and sinker, and she's married. It sounds like your foundation isn't strong enough to handle a manipulative player, and it will affect your peace of mind, job, health, if you don't walk away now. You sound like a nice person who's making a mistake.....so fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 She smelled your weakness ten miles against the wind and knows how to push your buttons - aka sex and you're good. Feeling sorry for the husband here only. You aren't the first, you won't be the last. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 this is the girl. 1). She's a cheater 2). She's a liar 3). She's manipulative 4). She's a coward 5). She lacks empathy 6). She's a hypocrite ("she's quite religious" - really ?) If this is your type, hate to meet the girl that isn't... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Thank you for your input, guys. Beach, I feel that you have valid points, even though it's hard to accept... honestly, it might be hard to imagine why I'd waste my time, but it's very deep-seated.. plus, she's my exact type and it's just perfect when we're together. I'm a very passionate person, and as an artist, she's been my perfect muse... she inspired countless poems, songs, paintings, thousands and thousands of photos I've made with her on our adventures (I'm a photographer). All the time I miss her and wish to include her in new projects. And then there's this dynamic where, it took awhile for her to have sex with me but once we were there she's just got this side to her that opened, like fire... she's quite religious, though not church-going, and I'm not religious or spiritual in any sense... but it never comes up or matters to us. It just feels right being with her... we could have fun doing anything, going anywhere, just walking around is a pleasure. She's sweet to me. I remember the first time we held hands crossing a walking bridge, I felt so satisfied. Even just standing next to her, being close enough to smell her hair, gives me pleasure. She makes me want to be a better person, it's on that level. I quit smoking for me but I know part of it was being inspired by her healthiness... things that I've never been interested in or even refused to ever do like dancing or going on roller coasters, her enthusiasm for those things made me want to do them with her and I enjoy them even separate from her now. So that's the thing... this isn't just a girl to me... this is the girl. And I am so damn nuts about her. I would never look back if I thought she was happy with her husband. I want her to be happy. But I can't stand the thought that fear of change and leaving her hometown has kept her in a passionless marriage and from making the leap to be with me and lead a life she would enjoy more. I hate that idea, it feels like a betrayal of life to me. You are in love with the "illusion" of her. In your affair, you only get the good parts. Dinners, secret rendezvous, holding hands, messages back and forth about love. You are missing out on the real her operating in real life. You are missing how she reacts when you leave dirty clothes on the floor. You are missing the frustration you feel when rent is due and she spent her money on a hair treatment. You are missing her making you late for a party as she can't decide what shoes to wear. All that stuff is "cute and quirky" in the beginning of a relationship, but if it's against your natural instincts, it becomes something you resent in her. She is not your muse. The illusion of her in your mind is your muse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 She sounds wonderful. I think you should marry her. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 You seem smitten. Which feels wonderful, but then your head gets involved. And so now here you are. Confused, right? Torn between your head and heart? If I had a magic wand and a big poofy dress (a la Disney fairy godmother) what would you want me out of this? 1. Your girl to leave her H and come live where you do? 2. Your girl to stay with her husband and stay with you too (On the side)? If you get either one, your eyes have opened up to what she is comfortable with. She made vows to this man in front of God, family and friends and she laughs as she discusses breaking them? It has understandably shaken you. Whatever her motives are (her cheating heart, finding the true love, etc) you now see the chances are higher it will happen to you too. I would find a center in yourself, a balance between head and heart. Then decide if you ended up with this girl, is it what you really want? Could you live with the fear that this very situation could happen to you in a few years, right under your nose? Lose her the way you got her? Also realize that you must be leaning towards a dissolution of the relationship. Just look where you posted - this subforum is mainly people who have been or going through the fallout of a spouses affair. You will get very emotional responses from hurt people here, as you might get on the other man forum. In the end, it's about you and her. Can you live with a future wrapped around this kind of beginning? Good luck soul searching and finding your inner truths. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author everybody Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 I didn't even realize there was an OM forum. But I am glad I got the powerful responses I have gotten here. I am normally a conscientious person. In this case, never knowing him except from scoping his Facebook page and hearing things that make him seem like the exact opposite of me... makes me sympathize with him less. That makes me selfish and self-absorbed. It looks like this is going to happen, she's giving me her card info so I can buy her ticket. I guess the best I can do is to not have expectations about the future and have an honest conversation with her wherein I express my concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I am normally a conscientious person. In this case, never knowing him except from scoping his Facebook page and hearing things that make him seem like the exact opposite of me... makes me sympathize with him less. That makes me selfish and self-absorbed. Trust me. She is going to tell you everything you want to hear. - Her husband is a jerk - Her marriage is dead - He doesn't pay attention to me - He makes me feel unloved, unsexy, unwanted It serves two purposes. To paint an image of who you need to be and who he is not, and also make you react and sympathize with her: - I would never take you for granted baby - You are the sexiest woman in the world - I would appreciate you every day and tell you that. It's all part of living in affairyland. You get part of the story and part of the wife. But obviously you only get the good filtered parts. The other half isn't the better parts. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Trust me. She is going to tell you everything you want to hear. - Her husband is a jerk - Her marriage is dead - He doesn't pay attention to me - He makes me feel unloved, unsexy, unwanted It serves two purposes. To paint an image of who you need to be and who he is not, and also make you react and sympathize with her: - I would never take you for granted baby - You are the sexiest woman in the world - I would appreciate you every day and tell you that. It's all part of living in affairyland. You get part of the story and part of the wife. But obviously you only get the good filtered parts. The other half isn't the better parts. Boom. Headshot. My wife told me once the kids were dying to go camping, and the weather was perfect, and since she was busy that weekend, perhaps it would be a good time to go..... so of course I loaded up the truck and took them camping. Later found an email that said " He went camping this weekend and never even invited me" 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 In this case, never knowing him except from scoping his Facebook page and hearing things that make him seem like the exact opposite of me... makes me sympathize with him less. Any uncertainty about what he's like could be cleared up in 10 minutes of conversation. And I'm pretty sure he'd be interested in what you have to say. Let's say the sh*t hit the fan and your affair was outed. Assuming she remained consistent in her decision to stay married, how do you think she'd describe you to him ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I think you two would make the perfect fit. You both like each others best and have similar value systems. I think you should go for it. Don't mind the husband - he probably doesn't care anyway... or what do you think? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Prove that you're serious and steal her away from her husband. Rescue her from her sham of a marriage, you can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author everybody Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Well, I don't know about the similar value systems... I've never gone out of my way to cheat. A few times I received oral at work when I was married, but the girls at work were very aggressive and the environment was extremely conducive to such a failing. Not to mention, my wife was verbally and at times physically abusive... But I've never been a cheater, and generally I am very loyal. I really doubt she's a chronic cheater. Just my gut. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Well, I don't know about the similar value systems... I've never gone out of my way to cheat. A few times I received oral at work when I was married, but the girls at work were very aggressive and the environment was extremely conducive to such a failing. Not to mention, my wife was verbally and at times physically abusive... But I've never been a cheater, and generally I am very loyal. I really doubt she's a chronic cheater. Just my gut. Wow. Every sentence is a self delusional justification to yourself to engage in bad behavior. Every single sentence. Do you not see that? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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