I don't want to love him anymore.

[hopeless1987]

Before I start, I would like to take you guys from the beginning. I was 12 years old and my mom took me and my siblings to a new church. I remembered being in church, and half way through it I turned my head and saw this guy. Please keep in mind that I was 12. I remembered I was in the car on my way home, and I said to myself " I'm gonna marry that guy". Fast forward 7 years later, I was attending county college because I didn't want to go a 4 year college yet , since I didn't know what I wanted to study. I was leaving the step when I saw one of the girls I used to attend church with. We ended up having lunch and I told her I had this big crush on him. Did I mentioned I stopped going to the church when I was 14, yeah. Anyway, she somehow took my phone and called him, he called back. She tried to explain to him who I was but he couldn't remember me. Fast forward a couple of months later, I was sending everyone a happy easter message, I sent him one and he replied. As the saying goes, the rest is history.

 

To be honest I wasn't looking for a relationship with him at the time. I was with my ex than whom I was with since I was 16, he had recently died in Afghanistan, I only been with one person , so I wasn't looking for anything serious. When I realized I was in love with him , it was too late. Of course giving our age difference , he had graduated college, he just started his career at NYU , I was at a community college , taking classes and didn't know what I wanted to do , it wasn't the right time. We went back and forth for a year and finally we broke things off. There's was no closure, he ended things very badly, but I moved on. We didn't speak for about 2 years and during that time I was in healthy relationship and him too. He reached out to me and apologize. He was dating his now wife and I was dating my now ex. We've been talking in a regular basis, and one night he drove to my job to come see me.

 

He came to my job, and one thing led to another and we kissed. And you have to understand we never said I love you to eacheach other, it was just something that felt and never said. He knew I did, but I never said it. After the kiss I freaked out, I told him to go home. He looked at me and asked me if there was something I needed to say to him. I swear every fiber in my body wanted to tell him I love you , but I froze. I just kept thinking how much he hurt last time and my boyfriend had been so good to me.

 

I said no, I have nothing to say, and he said I'm walking put the door, and I said "bye", 3 months later, he was engaged.

 

When I found out about the engagement I broke down. I told my ex about the kiss, and of course he broke up with as he should.

 

Fast forward a year later , I was working at Ann Taylor and his mother came into the store. We started chatting and I asked what she was doing , she told me she was looking for a dress for his wedding, I knew he was getting married, but it didn't hit me until that moment.

 

She left the store and I went about my work. I didn't know that I was crying until the tears hit my hand. From that moment on it was like a river. In front of the customers I started crying like a baby, I finally went to the back and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour until I was done.

 

The day he got married , I blocked him on Facebook, changed my number, email and everything, I unblocked him 3 years later. The day after I unblocked him he sent me a message.

 

Which leads me to where I am now. We tried to break it off a few times. We have. We spent 8 to 9 months not talking to each other , than we right back at it again. I know this is wrong..trust me. I've held myself to a very high standard for a very long time and I would say , " I would never do something like this" but here I am.

 

I problem is, I love him. I really do. I love this man so much. I know he doesn't belong to me and I have no right to feel this way. It was so much easier when I was at it alone. Now that I know he loves me too, it makes it so much harder. I can't talk to people about this, not even my best friend. I know it's wrong. I tried staying a way. To be honest , it's even about sex. We barely have sex. It's just the connection. He'll pick me up just for a drive to the gas station because we haven't seen each er other in a month, he'll give me a kiss in my forehead, and I swear at that moment , everything is right with the world.

 

I have prayed about this, asking God for me to not love him anymore, and I realized I always have. When I was in a relationship, happy relationship, he was always there. He'll pop in my head randomly at time.

 

I know somebody here may have something similar, I just need some help.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing. I understand your feelings because I have been there myself. The thing that we often forget is that as rational human beings with mind, spirit, and body that our emotions do not have to be our god. Love is not a feeling but a choice and a commitment. When you accept the fact that he is married, you can gain control over your emotions by accepting the situation as it is. God may or may not take away your feelings for him, but He certainly expects you to conduct yourself in a way that honors His word and your relationship with him (God, that is). I was married and I met a woman who had this kind of an impact on me. When I couldn't be with her, she was all that was on my mind and it became an obsession - something I called love. After going through a divorce, not something she had anything to do with, I realized that she wasn't the key to my happiness after all and that I should have put my entire heart into making my wife feel cherished and loved. Now I am single, completely alone, and have rediscovered the joy of walking with God. If I had kept Him at the center of my life while married, things would be way different now. I hope something I said has been a help. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[d0nnivain]

You need to go NC. Out of sight. Out of mind. God doesn't want you to sin (I mention this because you said you prayed) but neither does God expect you sit there staring at temptation.

 

Tell him he needs to stay away from you so you can move on

 

On your mind, reclassify him as a childhood fantasy with whom you shared one magical kiss. Stop believing that he is The One. If he was, he would not have gotten engaged 3 weeks after kissing you.

[Georgia2014]

Why did you unblock him? Re block him change your number and other contact information. If you have to put a restraining order on him if he should show up at your home or work.