Emotionally abuse to affair

[Dmroberts16]

Hello everyone. I'm a newbie to this site. First I need to say this is going to be a pretty long post but I need some input. I've never poured my heart out the way I'm about to but I figure I don't have anything to lose. I just ask you to not judge me or belittle me, I've had enough of this from my husband. that's not what I'm here for. I know I have done plenty wrong I just want to see what others have to say.

 

I have been married for 22 years this coming March 2015. When we married I had 1 daughter from a previous marriage and he had 1 daughter from a previous marriage. My daughter was only 2 at the time when we married. At that time her biological father didn't have much to do with her so my "new" husband became dad.

 

From the beginning of our relationship even before marrying I seen "red flags" but I pushed them aside because I was desperate to be loved. My previous husband had cheated on me and I was devasted because I loved that man with everything in me at the time.

 

When I met my husband and started noticing all the jealously he had in him, I thought it was great and it was the best feeling in the world after being cheated on. What more could I ask for, right?? After all I wanted someone to really "care" about me and be a little jealous over me.

 

As time went on though I seen more and more. He was jealous to the point of not wanting me and my daughter to go certain places and anytime we would I would be questioned up and down.

 

It was a few years later we had our son. The jealousy continued and anytime holidays, birthdays or what not would come along only "certain" people were allowed to attend.

 

As the kids got up in talking age, my husband would question them about our whereabouts at all times. My husband was constantly accusing me of cheating on him, looking at men.

 

I remember one occasion we were in Walmart and he loudly accused me of looking at the guy that was near by us...I was very humiliated. That particular time my husband left me in walmart it complete the shopping, knowing I had no money.

 

Over time things escalated to him pushing me, which caused bruises, throwing things at me, etc. the jealousy got the best of him. one particular day he held me on the bed with a gun to my temple and wanted me to tell him how big were pe*ises that I had had in the past.

 

It was then I knew something had to be done. I called the police on him and he was arrested. I left with the kids in hand thinking I would stay gone but as he begged and begged I returned back to the madness.

 

The emotionally abuse continued, his controlling behavior but I continued to deal. My husband was at the time working a job that kept him gone for long hours. Most times the kids were already in the bed when he would get home. We argued a lot, he dragged me down, name calling, what not.

 

As my daughter hit the teen years my husband became very strict with her, would not allow her to like boys. Look at them, etc. she could very rarely go anywhere. I remember, he use to keep up with how long she was in the shower because he said she took way too long in here. One day he ended up cutting off the hot water so she would have to take a cold one. People could come to our house and stay the night but she was not allowed to go anywhere. She didn't get to go to any dances, football games.

 

As time went on I became weaker and weaker and I didn't know who to reach out to....I was a housewife at the time and felt very alone. I eventually had an affair. The end of the affair has been 10 years ago. Yes, I know it was wrong...I'm not excusing myself from my wrong.

 

Moving forward....I finally caved in and confessed to my husband. At the time I wanted a divorce because the OM was meeting my emotionally needs, so I thought. I eventually changed my mind.

 

My husbands jealously as you can imagine has not changed and I can't say it's gotten worse but he has not gotten over the affair.

 

My daughter is now grown living on her own and she and my husband cannot stand each other. They do not talk. My husband absolutely DOES NOT like it when I visit my daughter once a week for 30 minutes. When I do he either gives me the silent treatment which he is now giving me and it's been a week. Or he starts an argument with me about it and calls her names to my face.

 

We lost out son almost 3 years ago when he was 16 in a car accident...I miss him terribly. In the beginning I thought this was an eye opener for my husband but it only lasted a few months and he is back like he was before.

 

There is so much more that has occurred but sadly overtime I have suppressed the horrible memories I guess. I can only remember bits and pieces.

 

I don't really know what I'm looking for here...I guess some insight. Is it time to throw in the towel?? Please, just give me insight, comments, thoughts, anything...but please keep your judgments to yourself. I judge myself enough for having the affair and for putting my kids through h*ll when they didn't ask to be put though it.

 

Thank you all!

[anika99]

You have been through a lot and could probably benefit from counselling. I'm so sorry that you lost your sweet son.

 

 

It is obvious that your husband is never going to change. He likely isn't even capable of change. Possibly he is personality disordered.

 

 

You need to reach out to people in real life. Call a woman's shelter as they can offer guidance and assistance for free.

[beach]

I hope you will leave him and go to a woman's shelter if you need to.

 

You need help - and they will support you to get out of that abusive mess.

 

Please go soon/now!

 

Hugs

[Zahara]

Your husband reminds me of my father. He was an extremely jealous and abusive man. When they would go out, he'd get into fights over men looking at her, or he'd pounce on her because he'd be paranoid that she was looking at another man or cheating. And yes, he used to beat her to a pulp. He did the same to me, and if he found out a boy at school talked to me, or if I was wearing lipstick, or if my jeans was too tight, I'd get a beating and get called a slut, whore, etc. I'm in my 40s now and all that abuse has had a huge effect on my self-esteem but I am working through it. But like your daughter, I cannot forget, eventhough I have forgiven him. I digress.

 

Is it time to throw in the towel? Unless you believe abuse is acceptable in a relationship, then stay where you are. You're literally identifying that he has been abusive and you said EVEN after the death of your son has made no effort to change, when do you say enough? What would it take for you to say ENOUGH? Pointing a gun to your head wasn't enough. Abusing your daughter wasn't enough. What is ENOUGH for you?

 

I will tell you that my mother stayed and now in her late 60's, she regrets everyday of her life having stayed with a man that ruined everything about her. She was a beautiful and vivacious woman -- pictures of her in her younger days. She's aged terribly and she's lost who she is. She's weak, fearful of everything and has no ability to speak her mind. Why? It's because she was controlled and abused and conditioned into being what she is. Abuse is about power. And my father won. She lost.

 

Don't be her. Don't waste your life, your years, your relationship with your daughter, your goals, your needs, your dreams.

[GoBlue]

There is a counselor by the name of Leslie Vernick who wrote a book called The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. She also has a website where you can read articles and find out how to get her book. This resource would be a wonderful source of help to you. I highly recommend that you visit the website as soon as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[bathtub-row]

Who cares if you had an affair?? I always say that abusers have no rights and they deserve no consideration whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned, the affair is a small part of his payback.

 

The problem is, it's going to be hard for you to pick up the pieces and be independent because you've been under his control for so many years. What I would recommend is to talk to your daughter about living with her until you can get your feet on the ground. But if you leave him, there can be no going back. If you did go back, your daughter will not be likely to help you again. This man is a piece of trash and you should leave him as fast as you can.

 

But I will warn you that you need to be secretive about it. If he knows you're planning to leave, he could become extremely violent.

 

Btw, I'm terribly, terribly to hear about the loss of your son. Hugs to you.

Edited December 12, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Dmroberts16]

First I would like to say Thank you all for your encouraging words and being so supportive...I honestly didn't think I would get such great support. I was unsure about even posting in the beginning and being so forthcoming with my issues. I am so glad I did now.

 

God answers prayers that is for sure. I have been praying a long time quit frankly about my marriages troubles. I do believe God has walked me through all this mess I have struggle with but no doubt after viewing your words and researching the website GoBlue recommended more light was revealed. Though I knew some of the things I have seen on this website SO MANY things were such a huge eye opener for me.

 

The thing is a part of me wants to make this marriage work but the other part does not because I have dealt with it for so many years it seems at times nothing will work.

 

But after viewing some of the tactics on the website I have became more informed about ways to react to my husbands behavior. The funny thing is I had always wondered if there was some way to " cope ", " deal " with people like my husband to give them some sort of "wake up" call. So thank you again GoBlue...I plan to get the book tonight and start reading.

 

I realize after the loss of our son you would think that would have been his wake up call but sadly it wasn't. I feel maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and try these "new" ways of dealing with him and then and only then if all else fails and he doesn't improve I will have no choice but to walk away from this marriage.

 

Again, thank you all so much and God Bless you all!

 

(((((HUGS TO YOU ALL)))))

Edited December 12, 2014 by Dmroberts16

[Zahara]

I realize after the loss of our son you would think that would have been his wake up call but sadly it wasn't. I feel maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and try these "new" ways of dealing with him and then and only then if all else fails and he doesn't improve I will have no choice but to walk away from this marriage.

 

You've been married for 22 years. Nothing has changed. You saw the red flags when you were in a relationship with him.

 

Benefit of the doubt? After the loss of your son, it should have been a wake up call? What about the abuse your daughter endured because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt? What about the wasted years of your life because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt? What about the years of inflicted emotional and mental trauma because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt? You stayed because in your mind you always thought it would get better. Maybe he would change. Maybe in time he will see the light.

 

You want to invest more years? I find it hard to believe that if "he doesn't improve" you will walk away. Chances are if all this destruction has not changed your mind, you will most likely keep making excuses, finding ways to cope with his behavior -- grasping at straws.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Zahara

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I commend you for your ability to stay strong even through the dark patches. It seems like you may have repeated a pattern here. Your first husband cheated on you, that is abuse in my opinion, it's saying you are not worthy of full commitment. That's what it says to my heart. So you wanted desperately to fall in love with someone who was jealous of you. I understand that. Someone who seems jealous of someone also seems protective. However, what happens then? he begins to show signs of being jealous of everyone and everything.

 

My advice, living under this autocratic figure will harm you in more ways than one and the very fact that he couldn't show signs of change after the death of your son is really horrible. Get out. Enough is enough. And you deserve to live the rest of your days being free from oppression. You cannot change him. You've already proven that. Leave.

[bathtub-row]

The thing is a part of me wants to make this marriage work but the other part does not because I have dealt with it for so many years it seems at times nothing will work.

 

The above sentence is exactly the thing holding you in this pattern of abuse. It's indecisive, and gives no room for you to stand up for yourself and say that anyone who strikes you, puts a gun to your head, abuses your children, or even calls you names, is 100% unacceptable and absolute grounds for leaving. No questions asked. When you develop a policy in your life where you say that you will never, ever again allow another abusive person to share any of your time or space, these people will never show up in your life again. Giving your husband more time or chances is just a sheer waste of your precious time.

 

You do understand that this is not a marriage worth saving, right? He is 100% broken, 100% unfixable. Abusers do not change. Ever. You keep referring to him getting a wake up call. The piece you're missing is that he does not want a wake up call and there is no "waking up" for him. And the more life slams him against the wall, the meaner and nastier he will get. Btw, please be sure not to let him see anything you read about abuse or see this site because it will completely enrage him. What you need to understand about him, and all abusers, is that he enjoys abusing you because it makes him feel powerful. This power is not something he will ever give up. Once you understand this about people like him, you will see things in a whole different light. You will know that practically every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie designed to manipulate or abuse you. Please stop giving evil people second chances.

[travelbug1996]

It takes a certain kind of woman to be in relationship with this kind of a male. Usually a woman that feels that she has to work for love. Usually a codependent woman who thinks that these men will change if or when blah blah blah.

 

Its possible that he could change but it seems to be a low probability that it will happen. You will look up and the best years of your life will be gone, wasted on someone that has no idea what love is.

 

I hope that you will find the inner strength, faith, or whatever you believe in to leave this person and make a good life for yourself.

 

Your daughter has been effected deeply by living in such a toxic environment. Hopefully she can heal and go on to have a healthy relationship and not repeat what she witnessed growing up. I would suggest you find a local CODA meeting for some support.

 

Best wishes to you

[dreamingoftigers]

omg

 

get out of there!

 

Your daughter must be so aggravated with yiu taking and enabling this abuse.

 

I know its not easy.

I really know that it isnt and that you cant see it for what it is.

 

I know that my paradigm with my own husband shifted when I realuzed that he was not just some "hurt kid with a bad past." He's almost 40. He's a man now. And men manage their feelings and protect their families. Not harm them.

 

I looked at my daughter and could see that if she saw anymore bullcrap behaviour, then she would be the hurt kid. Not my juvenile husband.

 

He's not a child and neither are you. Adults protect themselves. They don't pretend to ither adults that their actions have no consequences.

 

Both of you have things to change. But only you are trying to reach out. And you can only change your part.

 

If you want to be with him, tell him what changes you need to see(from a safe damn distance) and stay the Hell away from him until he's had an actual Amen Brain Clinic Scan, domestic violence therapy and a polygraph to confurm that he isnt just bsing you.

Don't accept any less!

[Downtown]

DMR, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your young son. I cannot even imagine how painful that experience must have been for you. As to your H, I agree with Dreaming and the other posters recommending that you leave this abusive man. I also suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid opinion on what it is you and your kids are dealing with. My concern is that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., controlling behavior, rages, verbal abuse, physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Over time things escalated to him pushing me, which caused bruises, throwing things at me.... one particular day he held me on the bed with a gun to my temple.

The physical abuse of a spouse has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. A hospital study of spousal batterers, for example, found that nearly all have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See the hospital study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers.

 

From the beginning of our relationship even before marrying I seen "red flags."

If your H has strong BPD traits, they likely would have started showing themselves about 4 to 6 months into the relationship. Until then, his infatuation would have held his two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. When the infatuation started to evaporate, however, the fears would have returned and you would have started triggering them -- resulting in a sudden release of his anger or jealousy.

 

The jealousy continued and anytime holidays, birthdays or what not would come along only "certain" people were allowed to attend.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), that irrational jealousy is to be expected because a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. A BPDer typically lives in fear that, once you discover how empty he is inside, you will stop loving him and abandon him. He therefore typically will exhibit strong jealousy over harmless actions and events. And he will be very controlling to prevent you from wandering. Moreover, to make such control much easier, a BPDer usually will try to isolate you away from your family members and close friends -- so you have no support network that will disagree with him.

 

What I'm looking for here...I guess some insight.

I suggest that, while your looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD red flags so you know what behaviors to look for. Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your H, i.e., you cannot determine whether he has full-blown BPD. Spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult when you've been married to a man for 22 years. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, and lack of impulse control.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings any bells, I would be glad to join Dreaming and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, DMR.

[Radu]

You do understand that this is not a marriage worth saving, right? He is 100% broken, 100% unfixable. Abusers do not change. Ever. You keep referring to him getting a wake up call. The piece you're missing is that he does not want a wake up call and there is no "waking up" for him. And the more life slams him against the wall, the meaner and nastier he will get. Btw, please be sure not to let him see anything you read about abuse or see this site because it will completely enrage him. What you need to understand about him, and all abusers, is that he enjoys abusing you because it makes him feel powerful. This power is not something he will ever give up. Once you understand this about people like him, you will see things in a whole different light. You will know that practically every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie designed to manipulate or abuse you. Please stop giving evil people second chances.

 

To add to this, abusers don't get better unless they have a life changing event.

He lost his son, and it did not change things.

His son.

Let that sink in.

 

Abusers don't get better, but they do get worse ... with age they get better at abusing and their 'victim' gets better at accepting the abuse.

I say 'victim' because in your case, with your yrs ... you are past victim status.

When it comes to you, you can claim the status, and if you were both childless i would not blame you ... but what about your daughter ?

23yrs living with this monster had an effect on her.

When it comes to your daughter you share some blame too.

 

There is no change for him, you have been singing this tune for 22yrs.

Leave and let him die alone, a miserable lonely death.