Pkoonar Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Earliest this year (March), my high school friend was involved in a very bad car accident. She was in a coma and in and out of ICU. The specialists had said that she had sever brain injury and a stroke, so the chances of her surviving was slim to none. But, fortunately she survived and now is on a long road of healing. Today, my friend came up in conversation. I had told my gf that we text every now and then. It is clear in the messages she send they are prescription and she is clearly not 100% there (her grammar, and her style of writing is very elementary). My gf was interested in seeing the conversation so I gave her my phone to have a look. She noticed that at the end of March (while she was in the ICU and we all thought she was not going to make it at this point) I sent her a text saying "I love you". And that was it. She got extremely upset and emotional because I had sent it at 1am in the morning. I reminded her durring this period of time it was very difficult for everyone that was close to this girl. Additionally reminded her how I had a few sleepless nights where I'd be thinking about our friend and it was my way of sending her a message. She aus that it was inappropriate and how I should be texting a girl who has a bf that I love her. I told her I am not going to apologize. She then got up and left my house. So my question to the community is, am I in the wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Technically its not "wrong", but I wouldnt ever do it-unless it was a family member, which in that case, would be totally understandable....Its easy for me to see why she got distressed about it.. You need to be more careful and respectful...I mean, think about how you would feel if she said that to some dude in the middle of the night..? I am sure its not deal breaker stuff, just tell her you are sorry and make sure to not do that again..Its obviously hurtful too her.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 No. Your girlfriend sounds insanely insecure and melodramatic, no offense. It's not like you and this other girl were texting back and forth flirting and whatnot. She was in a ****ing COMA and possibly going to die. She was your friend. You sent an emotional text to a dying friend. If your girlfriend were thinking in a sane manner, she would probably see it as beautiful. However let's play devil's advocate if you really like your girlfriend for many other reasons. Maybe she saw, "I love you," and in a split second without the context, her brain thought you'd betrayed her and were in love with someone else, and her emotions fired off like an atomic bomb. And even while you explained the context, physiologically she was still firing on all cylinders emotionally and lost her ****. That's pretty much the best defense I can make for her. She should be the one to reach out and apologize to you, though, when she calms down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 IMO, its got nothing to do with insecurity....Its about common sense and respect for your partner... He could have said something like "hang in there...I will have you in my thoughts"...and it would likely have the same meaning, without the potential hurt feelings... Maybe its a poor example, but it would almost be the equivalent of saying something like this to a girlfriend/SO..."you know my friend Donna is really working out a lot lately....she has a rockin body"...Essentially there is nothing wrong with saying that, but its not respectful to say it in front of someone you care about... Some people are more sensitive than others...Doesnt make them essentailly weak or anything....being nuetral avoids these hassles.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 IMO, its got nothing to do with insecurity....Its about common sense and respect for your partner... He could have said something like "hang in there...I will have you in my thoughts"...and it would likely have the same meaning, without the potential hurt feelings... Maybe its a poor example, but it would almost be the equivalent of saying something like this to a girlfriend/SO..."you know my friend Donna is really working out a lot lately....she has a rockin body"...Essentially there is nothing wrong with saying that, but its not respectful to say it in front of someone you care about... Some people are more sensitive than others...Doesnt make them essentailly weak or anything....being nuetral avoids these hassles.. TFY Well it might also be a matter of differing perceptions of the word "love" as well. I love my friends and use the word love towards them on occasion. I actually have a hard time grasping the concept of romantic love, as like its own unique flavor of love or something. But perhaps his girlfriend only understand love to be a romantic thing. If their semantics are different then maybe that could also be why she had such a sudden, intense reaction. But because she is the one got up and left and cut off the discussion, I feel that she should be the one to come back and start it up again, at least. I mean as usual I'm not exception in projecting my own life experiences onto posts on here and such. I hate it when someone just walks away, hangs up, does the silent treatment, etc instead of explaining to me why they feel the way they do and where they are coming from when they are disagreeing with me or upset. It's something I have very low tolerance for. So that is also influencing my opinion here, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkoonar Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 She may have not been a family member but it sure felt the same. I met her in 2003 when I was in grade 8 and have known her for 12 years. Would it have made a difference if I wrote her a card and said I lobr you on the bottom? The love for a friend us completely different than the love for a family member and the love I have for my girl friend. You can't compare them to be the same. If my friend was never in this situation I would have never said I l you to her ever. But I did. And it was durring a very emotional time. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 What you did was perfectly understandable. I'm sure a lot of people, if not every one of her friends, said "I love you" to her at some point while she was lying in the ICU. It's an incredibly traumatizing experience for everyone involved. Your girlfriend is being immature and lacks empathy, but she's young (as are you). Try to see it from her perspective. She feels hurt and is now insecure about your feelings for her. Apologize and let it go. Not all fights are worth fighting. That's Relationship 101. Learn to pick your battles. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) She may have not been a family member but it sure felt the same. I met her in 2003 when I was in grade 8 and have known her for 12 years. Would it have made a difference if I wrote her a card and said I lobr you on the bottom? The love for a friend us completely different than the love for a family member and the love I have for my girl friend. You can't compare them to be the same. If my friend was never in this situation I would have never said I l you to her ever. But I did. And it was durring a very emotional time. I do think it's a communication issue; like The Fool of the Year, I'm cautious about saying "I love you" -- basically reserved for family and significant others. But it's also true that not everyone feels that way, and it's even more significant that this is a very special case. I would hope that your girlfriend would be able to make allowances for those things. (Question: Do you say "I love you" to any other friends? Have you ever said it to this one pre-accident? Or was this just about the intense emotions around this situation?) It sounds like maybe she was already a little jealous of your high school friend, and/or that she was already insecure about your feelings. What I'm wondering is whether there's any reason for her to feel that way, and whether it's possible to clear the air about it all. You guys need to have a straightforward talk about these things without introducing the concept of blame. Blame is in the way of understanding here. It doesn't really need to be anyone's fault. Hopefully she will come back and be calm, and see your point of view, and you can see hers, and from there you can find resolution. Edited December 11, 2014 by serial muse 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 No, you're not in the wrong. At all. This isn't about your girlfriend. She shouldn't have even cared about the text messages you sent your friend unless she was already feeling insecure. She was looking for something to be mad about and found it. Just because she made you feel bad about what you did does not make it wrong. She didn't like that you divided your attention from her to something else, even if it was in the purest of intent. I say "I love you" to my close friends from time to time. I've known them for...13+ years. There are different kinds of love, and your friend could have died. The fact I even have to spell this out is in itself crazy. You were showing care and empathy to a, at the time, dying friend whom you have known for many years. Your girlfriend needs to grow the **** up. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I think your girlfriend, maybe understanding the context and type of love you were expressing may help the situation. You thought your friend was dying, you were grieving her and, in a way, saying good bye. I don't think that is wrong. I think your girlfriend is being a little immature and unless there is a concern of a romantic connection being short sighted. Is there a cheating concern, past or present, that is coloring this situation? Sometimes we are going to need to say/do things that others don't agree with but we are standing by our authentic selves. If you believe in what you said then stand by it. I (hope) that in years as you become older the same situation, at an older age, would have a response that showed more compassion and maturity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pkoonar Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) I think your girlfriend, maybe understanding the context and type of love you were expressing may help the situation. You thought your friend was dying, you were grieving her and, in a way, saying good bye. I don't think that is wrong. I think your girlfriend is being a little immature and unless there is a concern of a romantic connection being short sighted. Is there a cheating concern, past or present, that is coloring this situation? Sometimes we are going to need to say/do things that others don't agree with but we are standing by our authentic selves. If you believe in what you said then stand by it. I (hope) that in years as you become older the same situation, at an older age, would have a response that showed more compassion and maturity. It is because I stood by my actions that upset her the most. She says I don't care about her feelings And no cheating has never been an issue. And m and my friend have had no romantic involvement ever. And she knows that Edited December 11, 2014 by Pkoonar Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 It is because I stood by my actions that upset her the most. She says I don't care about her feelings A romantic relationship requires communication, understanding, and empathy. What you did was not wrong, but neither is your girlfriend's point of view. For that you need what I just mentioned. You could've explained to her what your intention was with the words, while being supportive of your girlfriend's feelings, reassuring her that you meant nothing wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 You're not wrong, no. I have many friends I love. If one is going through a really difficult time, or something catastrophic has happened, I will tell them I love them, whether they're male or female. Some friendships have gone on long enough that there really is no differing them from families. Your girlfriend sounds super immature, it'd be one thing if perhaps the 'I love you' was peppered into a flirty conversation with an ex, or a brand new friend your girlfriend thought you had a crush on, but a friend of over a decade came before your girlfriend did, and was going through an extremely difficult time. You were right to stand by your actions. Your girlfriend sounds possibly too immature for a relationship. Does this kinda stuff ever come up apart from this occasion? Link to post Share on other sites
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