The 'Lets Be Friends' Syndrome - what do you make of it?

[eastern_mystique]

Hey All,

I read this recently, and wanted to gauge other people's points of view. Take a look at this:

 

 

[color=indigo]‘They want to breakup, but remain friends. To me this is the coward’s way of saying, “I don’t want to hurt you because I still love/like you, so this works out both ways for me. I feel like I’m not shunning you (no guilt), and since I’m confused myself …since I’m not sure what I want, I’ll keep you on the sidelines, just in case I change my mind…” ‘ [/color]

 

 

Do you think this is the true meaning when your ex has just broken up with you and says "but I still want us to be friends"?

 

With my ex I think it could be (have a look at my earlier post from 18th March - comments would be much, much appreciated thanks). I think I read someone else on these boards saying that if they say "lets be friends' and they mean it, then they still care about you somewhat, because if they didn't care, then why would it matter to them if you're friends or not? Makes sense to me. Although you never know for sure. Perhaps if you back off, just be friends and you don't push for anything more then they may feel more comfortable about being around you and may eventually come back because they realise how great you and don't feel like they have to come back, as there's no pressure.

 

So what do you guys think? For those of you on the receiving end of this delightful phrase, and who want their ex's back, has playing it cool and just being friends got you anywhere? And for those of you who've said this when breaking up with someone, do you think your reasons were the same as those in the coloured paragraph?

 

Also, a little advice needed. Me and ex still on very good terms despite the whole drunken kissing thing on Thursday (see post from March 18th), we walked back from college yesterday together and I was thinking of asking him over on Saturday night for pizza and a movie, as 'just friends' thing (no ulterior motives, honestly). Good idea or not? He did ask me to the cinema about a week after we broke up, but cancelled it because he was too tired after karate practice, so seeing each other outside of college is okay by him. Our relationship was not loadsa fun towards the end so I was thinking that maybe by showing him what a good time we have when we hang out together as well as not applying any pressure, he will slowly start to come around, when the time is right. Wasn't planning on talking about anything heavy/serious, was just going to keep it light and cheerful. Would he have any reason to say no (apart form that he has other plans)?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've had it said, and I've said it to others. In some rare cases, it was actually genuine. I never had a relationship grow out of a broken one that downgraded to 'friends'. Usually, after getting to know someone really well as genuine friends after the fact, it became apparent that there was a reason for the breakup - only when you are 'in love', its harder to see it objectively. After you can see it objectively over time, you generally realize that the person really isn't someone you want to be back with romantically after all, but you do cherish their new friendship.

 

Do you think this is the true meaning when your ex has just broken up with you and says "but I still want us to be friends"?

 

Sometimes. From time to time, there is enough emotional investment left after the breakup where the dumper doesn't want to let go of the positive things they got from the relationship: the fun, the companionship. Other times, the 'just friends' is a cop-out to make the breakup easier - and they really have no intention of being actual friends.

 

If the dumper is still hanging out with you, calling you and acting like a friend - then that's usually genuine. It doesn't mean they want to be back in the relationship though. The biggest mistake that dumpees make is to assume that the little bit that keeps them coming back as 'friends' is something that can be reversed back into 'love'. It will never reverse. It may grow into something new, but it won't go back to what it was. What happens a lot of times is that the dumper will genuinely want to be friends, but the dumpee ends up killing that potential for real friendship, by only pretending to be friends in the hopes that it will become a relationship again. Sometimes, 'friends' really does mean 'friends' - and isn't usually intended to give anyone the impression that it will one day be more again.

 

Friends only works when both parties are on the same page. If one partner has unresolved romantic feelings or romantic ulterior motives for agreeing to be 'friends', then it will not work. The dumper will eventually see what is going on and will have no choice but to sever even the friendship. Its really hard to trust that the dumpee wants to be 'friends' when they agree to it, and is not just using that as an excuse to try to turn it back into a relationship.

 

That's why, as a dumpee - when you try to be the one to initiate friendship type stuff, or are too insistent about 'being friends', the dumper will become very busy and not have time for you. They generally like to be the one initiating things to do, because they know their own hearts and motives. They don't know the dumpee's heart, or trust the dumpee's motives - so that's why a lot of times it seems like they aren't really being your friend when you are the one trying to do friendly things. If you try to hard to be friends, and show 'what a great friend you can be' - then, it will generally be viewed suspiciously.

 

Best to let the dumper who said "I want to be friends" guide the direction of the friendship, until he is more comfortable with your motives. Don't go out of your way to make this friendship happen, and let him be the one to call you to set things up. Anything else will probably result in him being 'busy' or 'tired' a lot.

 

Can something more grow out of this fragile friendship? Maybe so, over time - there's no guarantees though.

[alphamale]

i dont recommend being friends with the opp sex. acquaintances is OK. and most definitely don't be friends with an ex lover.

 

only "nice" guys and gurls stay friends with an ex.

[shachic]

LucreziaBorgia, you are like a mind reader!

 

You completely described my situation to a Tee.

 

I am the 'dumpee', and my 'dumper' wants to be friends. But....I still love him, but I have tried to be friends, while he has made very little effort at all. When I suggest something, he says he's 'tired', 'busy', etc.

 

To the point where I thought I called his bluff...

I asked if he was doing anything for his birthday. He said, (since he's working full-time, while recently starting a new PhD program also...), that he's been so busy lately w/ work and school, and has been so stressed, that he doesn't think he will get to get out for his birthday.

 

So...I felt badly, and send him a bday card, wishing him a happy day, as stressfree as possible.

 

Didn't hear back - but randomly ran into his friend, who said they had all gone out for my dumpers birthday. I was upset, b/c I knew he had pulled out the 'im tired and busy' card to avoid seeing me on his birthday.......yet he saw his other friends.

 

 

So...I called his bluff, and he responded saying that he was very uncomfortable with the attention I was giving him, and he thinks I need to distance myself more from him before we can be friends.

 

Its so hard though. I do love him, i can't deny that. I thought he was a soulmate - but he can't see it. So...yeah, its tough to be downgraded to be 'just friends', and u are right, maybe i thought trying to be 'his friend', he would see how awesome a person i was, that he'd magically fall in love with me again.

 

I've initiated NC for about a week now - but i won't like, it hurts like a b**** to do this. I have no control over the situation, I wish i could move on, but I just can't - just love him way too much

[angelj]

i understand how you feel.

 

even though i was never in serious, committed relationship with the boy i am now just friends with, there were tons of feelings and emotions in the 6-8 months we were "hanging out."

 

for the beginning of our friendship that developed, he was still with his ex. although nothing sexual was going on, feelings began to escalate. sometimes that stuff cannot be controlled, only contained and rightfully so it was. we became closer and closer and him and the ex broke it off. he isnt healed over her, its very obvious. and he completely ended the romantic relationship him and i began. he says we are still friends, "just a different kind of friends..." what the hell is that? and how can i just jump to JUST Friends when we are both so used to acting a certain way around each other. its obvious its hard on him as well...he still asks me to call and when i do call he answers or calls back immediately. he is a very sweet person on the phone, still loving and happy and concerned with my well-being, but in person its as if he is trying extremely hard to push all feelings for me aside and acts cold and distant. he cant even look me in the eyes anymore. when he does, he stumbles over his words and gets all shaky. the way he used to when we would be alone...nervous and intimidated like a schoolboy with a crush.

 

it just Fing sucks. i want to call but i cant whats the point? he told a friend he meant everything he has ever said to me and really was going to pursue a relationship with me but decided that he just cant. he was locked down far too long to jump into anything so hot and heavy so soon. where does that leave me? and where does that leave you? you feel empty and used, tossed aside and lonely. you dont have closure thats for sure. its hard to find peace with it and although he always gave me talks of "us in the future...friends in the present until he is healed..." i never had faith in that and now i want to think in the future we could be...but thats unhealthy.

 

being just friends with someone you have enormous feelings for is impossible. it is only possible once you have healed and are over them.

[norcaldivr]

I heard the same line when my ex anounced she was leaving. I was heartbroken and wanted to keep her in my life so I agreed. For a couple of months or so we were good friends but just that. Then I met someone else and that changed everything. I remained friends but much more arms length and did not try to be anything more. After about a year she practicly begged me to give it another chance. Funny how that works. I agreed and said goodbye to the woman I had been with.

 

Big mistake. While it was great for a couple of months and I thought things would be different soon the old patterns began to emerge. It was then that I realized that I really didn't want to be with this person anymore. By then the person who I had been with had moved on and wanted nothing more to do with me. I can't blame her either after what had happend.

 

I will NEVER make this mistake again and let an ex who wants to be friends into my life. In my experience it only causes problems with starting a new life. Live and learn.

[MindKandy]

I think that the just friends thing is just crap. Most of the time, though. I mean, my ex says he wants to be friends, yada yada, but than he would say other stuff to me. Sexual stuff, and finally I had to tell him, no, he can't say that to me. He's the one who broke up with me, and says "I want to be friends, right now." Than has the nerve to say that stuff to me, and think that it's fine, that I will take that?

 

Personally with my ex, I think that he wants to have his cake and eat it. Doesn't want to be tied down with a girlfriend, but still wants me around. Wants me around, so when he wants me, I'll still be there.

 

Honestly, I don't think that it'll really work out being friends, (even though I'm trying, maybe honestly for all the wrong reasons.), but I don't think it works.

[clynn]

My ex said, lets be friends, lets do things together, that sort of thing when we broke up.

 

I've never contacted him or replied to contact from him. I don't see the point really.

 

BUT, I belong to an organzation with an ex.

 

I hate it because I'm quite involved and interested in this club.

 

But I HATE seeing him. It makes me really angry (mostly cuz I'm upset about the break up). And the idea of knowing / seeing him with someone else just makes me boil up inside.

 

So I have to be friends with him in the big picture sense.

 

But I don't want to see him and wish he would go find something else to do!

[shachic]

Well.....since I last posted on here yesterday........I found out that the guy who wanted to be 'just friends' with me was only keeping me at bay, b/c he has been in a relationship the whole time he was stringing me along.

 

I guess....he wanted to string me along until he found somebody better than me.........and now he has, and I feel so completely used, sad, and i feel that this is becoming a pattern in my life.

 

 

The just friends thing...........ONLY works when there are absolutely no feelings on either side for eachother.

If there are feelings, it is torturous, especially on the Dumpee (in this case, me.....well, it seems as its always me )

 

Because, most of the time, when people say they want to be 'friends' with you....it seems that they just want to have you around to LESSEN their pain/lonliness, etc, until they find someone better than you.

 

And...you are right...where does that leave you..??? out to dry.

 

well, thats what I'm feeling right now anyways. :-( :-( :-(

[snipit3172]

being friends with an ex can actually one of my best friends is an ex who broke up with me 2 years ago but he still wanted to be friends at first it was a bit strange cos i still had feelings for him but i knew he was a good person we speak nearly every other night sometimes for a couple of hours i have been in a relationship sinvce we split up at which point we did not speak as much cos did not want my boyfriend to feel awkward about us we have since split up actually 6 months ago and now my friend who was an ex tells me he wants us to try again and that in time he will marry me i have said im not ready for relationship yet cos still have feelings for ex but he is willing to wait and now im not even sure if i want to ruin the friendship we have just in case things dont work out cos like i said he is now one of my best friends

[clynn]

punctuation can be very helpful.

[shachic]

I agree - i kinda got the gist of what you were saying, but your sentences were running together.

Plus - do you have 2 ex's that are now your friends, or 1?

Wasn't sure.

[snipit3172]

for shachic

 

sorry i had ha da drink when wrote it, no its weird i have an ex who broke up with me in september but refuses to speak to me but the ex before him who broke up with me over 2 years ago is the one im friends with. hope this clarifys thiongs

[Puma]

the lets be friends line is used for those that arent courageous enough to tell it how it is..they try to avoid conflict and heartbreak.

 

if someone has just broken up with you and uses that line..look at them and say "if you want a friend, buy a puppy!", haha thats awesome! but dont succomb to their cowardness. it is a nice way of lettin go, it gives false hope for many, it creates anxiety..which no one wants im sure. so what do you do when you get this line?

 

U go on livin!! have fun seriously. it should never get to the point where someone will have to tell you that line though..it can be avoided..think about it

[angelj]

puma no one has said it better.

 

and i think im going to use that line.

 

the one i always use is, "im good thanks i have enough friends, i dont need anymore."

 

good luck to all of you!! it gets better and its EVEN better if you have a motive (like catching them in a lie or something....like me!) to push them out of your lives

[nomoreofthat]

i disagree with some of you. the "lets be friends" isnt bull. but in some cases im sure it is.

 

in my situation, it seemed like it was initially. my bf of almost 2 years dumped me, I was absolutely crushed beyond belief. It was so difficult just to make it through the days. there was pain and resentment, we had even shared harsh words post-breakup in our fragile states. at one point i asked him" do you honestly even want my friendship like you said you did?" and he said "i dont think ill be able to". a few months have passed since then, and now we are good friends. luckily we work together so we were forced to interact like 3 days a week, otherwise im not sure we would have been now. and he calls me sometimes and asks me to do something with him, he burns me cds of things he's recorded to get my opinion. 4 months ago i never ever would have thought i could possibly not want to be with him romantically. but now i can honestly say that i dont. our friendship is too good now. i can see all of his great qualities and know him better than probably anyone, but i can also see all the reasons our relationship would never work.

 

now im bummed over this new guy who i dated briefly. he said he wants us to stay friends but that he's leaving it up to me because he doesnt know how i feel. we were friends before we dated. part of me is inclined to believe it was just a nicer let-down, but im not so sure. he has lots of female friends, and is very friendly with many girls he's dated, even the serious ones. i think thats a sure-fire way of knowing whether that line is bs. plus it never really got serious enough for friendship to be too difficult. but its not like im gonna call him to hang out tomorrow. i think a month from now i would feel totally comfortable calling him up and having lunch.

 

i kinda like friendship with exes. they already know you well. and its like you always share this little secret with them no matter what happens, like "ha, ive seen you naked!"

[Puma]

in my past i have kept in contact with my exes cause its just how i was..i dont like hostility or weird tension in their presence so i always kept it cool..but of course there was always that possibilty of "will it happen again"? its fairly difficult to stay really close friends after dating someone and being romantically involved..there are exceptions its not the rule. and if the relationship was sexual, then it makes it even that much more difficult. see where you are different is that the "lets be friends" is usually said after breaking up..immediately, therefore its bull crap!! if however it comes along in the future then friends is a possibility...cause all the resentment has hopefully subsided and the two of you can be mature about things. even at taht..there is always that past with them taht connects you two together in some way therefore its not a normal friendship..because, most friends havent seen each other naked or know intimate things about each other.