The Biological Clock Vs The Man of my Dreams

[RedIvy]

It has been a long and exhausting swim in the dating pool. Boy, I have dated the worst kind of guys. Gave up, did my own thing, and regained my self esteem. No longer did I depend on a man to define my whole happiness.

 

About 7 months ago, I met him. The guy that even my dad likes! It's true what they say, love does come when you least expect it. And did it ever! I won't bore you with why I love him, and why he makes me so happy (and vice versa). But I will dive into the facts:

 

There's an age difference between us. I'm 27, and he's 40. He has two kids both from his ex wife. One is 9 and the other is 11. I do not have children.

 

Here's where the issue comes in. He does not want any more children. His vasectomy has proven that to be quite true. Before we made our relationship "official", we had the talk about kids and where I stand on my decision whether or not I wanted to have some of my own. Before him, having kids was never on my radar. I was never the one to claim I HAD to be a mother in my future. In fact, I would see endless pregnancy photos on facebook from the girls I went to high school with and think, "Thank god I didn't fall into that statistic". When him and I had the talk, I was still pretty sure on my decision. Until recently...It's been haunting me a little bit. I'm not saying I WANT to have kids, I'm saying "what IF I actually do"? Before my guy, it had the option which is why I never cared about it. Now that he's taken that option away (not literally...) It's been bugging me if I want kids or not? I'm so confused.

 

My dilemma: I don't want to lose him. I feel that if I left him, I would regret it. He claims that we would be a family-him, myself and his children. I would be totally okay with that. But what if I wanted something that's "mine" ? What if I really don't and it's just the "wanting what I can't have" theory? Is it so bad for a woman to not have kids? What are your thoughts on this?

[Gloria25]

There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want...but he's clear that it won't be with him.

 

You're 27, I'm sure you'll meet someone else. You got enough time to do it.

 

So, you have a decision to make.

[Omei]

This is how I feel about dating men who don't want kids, I am a mother I never expected to be but now that I know the love and joy a child can bring, I can tell you that it is greater than being in love with any man, this love really is a kind that never ends and it is all "mine" and I want more and wouldnt trade that in for any guy, hes gotta wanna have kids.

 

That's just how I feel I really feel the love between mother and child is so powerful its like no other and you wont find that kind of love with any man.

 

Just sayin not everyone wants to be a parent but I thrive most by being a mother I have had rough times my kids always been the light in my life and it never gos away shes been the one constant I can put my love into and receive in return. Our love is eternal

Edited December 11, 2014 by Omei

[Gaeta]

Do not lock your fate at 27. You don't know how you will feel about motherhood next year, or the following year. I have a colleague of 43 yo who never wanted children, now that her fertile years are running out she is doing everything to get pregnant, it has become something vital for her to become a mother.

 

I find it 'inexperienced' (for lack of better word) for a man of 40 to be dating young women in their 20s expecting them to forget about motherhood. Most these stories end in tears. If it is that important for him to never have children again then he should be dating women who already have children or older women for whom motherhood isn't an option anymore.

[Art_Critic]

if he is sure about not having kids or a reversal of his vasectomy and you want that option open then you have no choice but to end it and find someone in a more compatible place in their lives, he has had his kids and wants no more...

 

Do you want to be staring at the back half of 40 looking back and wishing you had kids ? if you do then there is your answer....

[Toodaloo]

When I was younger I always just assumed children would come along.

 

Now its doesn't look as though they will for me.

 

That said I would not date a man who doesn't want children. If it doesn't happen (which is probably the outcome) then it doesn't happen. But personally I want to date some one who wants to have a family with me even if we are not lucky enough to have that blessing.

 

If he had children already it would make things easier.

 

You have a decision to make and I suggest that no matter how painful it is, that you abide by your future wants or later you will end up feeling bitter.

 

If you want children leave right now. If you can be happy with his children being "your" children too then that is great.

[Hopeful30]

I think that this small doubt in your mind - the fact that you are questioning this relationship already - is enough to tell you that it's important for you to be with a man where this option is available.

 

Follow that and trust it. It's never wrong. I promise.

[FitChick]

You will be a stepmother. You don't have to be biologically related to kids to love them. You just don't like giving up control. Actually being around his kids will be very educational for you. You may have your eyes opened to the realities of parenting and be glad you don't have any of your own.

[d0nnivain]

How badly do you wants kids of your own. If you continue with him assume you will not have your own biological children. How important is that to you.

 

Many women chose not to have kids. It doesn't' make you defective although sometimes outside forces will operate to make you feel that way.

 

I don't have kids.

[Ducky71]

There's always adoption.

[veggirl]

You will be a stepmother. You don't have to be biologically related to kids to love them. You just don't like giving up control. Actually being around his kids will be very educational for you. You may have your eyes opened to the realities of parenting and be glad you don't have any of your own.

 

But his kids are 9 and 11. thats not like loving a kid from birth or babyhood. And it doesn't give the reality of raising a baby or toddler.

[Art_Critic]

you do know that 27 is almost a full decade into adulthood, I think she is well past getting her Dads approval on dates ? I know people that at 27 have had 9 year olds and ex's as well.

[Perrier]

Hmm, when I was your age I don't think I would have been keen on a man who did not want any more children.

 

While you may think you can fit into his family unit, you need to reconcile yourself with never be the kids' real mother and when issues arise in future e.g. trouble with the law, dating issues, choosing schools, illness etc., you may find yourself 'sidelined' while your husband addresses these problems with their biological mother.

 

Also as others have pointed out, you may desire your own children in future.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

It has been a long and exhausting swim in the dating pool. Boy, I have dated the worst kind of guys. Gave up, did my own thing, and regained my self esteem. No longer did I depend on a man to define my whole happiness.

 

About 7 months ago, I met him. The guy that even my dad likes! It's true what they say, love does come when you least expect it. And did it ever! I won't bore you with why I love him, and why he makes me so happy (and vice versa). But I will dive into the facts:

 

There's an age difference between us. I'm 27, and he's 40. He has two kids both from his ex wife. One is 9 and the other is 11. I do not have children.

 

Here's where the issue comes in. He does not want any more children. His vasectomy has proven that to be quite true. Before we made our relationship "official", we had the talk about kids and where I stand on my decision whether or not I wanted to have some of my own. Before him, having kids was never on my radar. I was never the one to claim I HAD to be a mother in my future. In fact, I would see endless pregnancy photos on facebook from the girls I went to high school with and think, "Thank god I didn't fall into that statistic". When him and I had the talk, I was still pretty sure on my decision. Until recently...It's been haunting me a little bit. I'm not saying I WANT to have kids, I'm saying "what IF I actually do"? Before my guy, it had the option which is why I never cared about it. Now that he's taken that option away (not literally...) It's been bugging me if I want kids or not? I'm so confused.

 

My dilemma: I don't want to lose him. I feel that if I left him, I would regret it. He claims that we would be a family-him, myself and his children. I would be totally okay with that. But what if I wanted something that's "mine" ? What if I really don't and it's just the "wanting what I can't have" theory? Is it so bad for a woman to not have kids? What are your thoughts on this?

 

It's far better to regret not having kids and than it is to have kids and regret it. I wouldn't throw away what you have. No more focused on kids than you are and mostly feeling you "dodged the bullet," I honestly think step-kids is going to be all the mothering you're really going to need. And yes, you can love someone else's kids the same as your own, but no, you can't have all the control over them. And then one day they'll have kids probably and you'll get to have a grandbaby around. If you tell your man you're waffling now, since he was sure enough to have a vasectomy, he's probably not going to be very happy about it. You know, there's no guarantee with kids, that they will be loving and see you through old age and all that. You see posts on here all the time about ones who are just about to put their poor parents into the asylum. Even just being involved at the step-parent level is a whole lot of work and involvement. Why don't you just keep doing that for a year or two and see if you don't feel okay about everything -- or if you're so certain you want your own baby that you'd leave him and them. A lot can happen in two years. Good luck.

[ready4therightone]

I registered because i'm trying to find answers on a subject similar to this. Heres where i fit in. I work overseas and spend 35 days or so at home at a time. So dating site/apps make sense for me. Scrolling through Tinder on my last few days home, up popped what was a very attractive and seemingly very normal lady. I messaged her and very quickly explained that i was leaving in a few days and my phone wont work overseas but would very much like to email her while i was gone. In the months following we have gotten to know each other and dare say we seemed to start to catch feelings for each other. It was at the point that it was really starting to feel frustrating that a meet for us wont happen until the middle of February where she started to pull back. I noticed it and asked her about it. She said her ex was getting in her head and she needed time to figure out things. We had been messaging every day for months and now i'm on my 10th day of no contact with her giving her the respect she needs. Its very confusing for me since i've never caught feelings by just getting to know each other over email and since we arent "together" I would be remiss to be upset about a "break" Normally I would just walk as i'm 35 and played that game before but this situation seems so non-standard.

 

Anyway the reason I say all that. Her ex situation is like yours to a tee. Age difference everything. Although she is 31 and he is 40 something. Her and I seemed to just click on an emotional level that I never felt before and we are at the same point in life. She says her biggest problem is that she has developed a relationship with his kids. We had talked about it prior and I thought it was a great thing and could support that in a relationship with her as the teenage kids lost their Mother to cancer. You just don't jump out of kids lives and it was important to her. It was no issue to me. Anyway since this I need a break business Im unsure that it is just the kids and maybe we will meet now or not but i know I had not felt a connection with a person like this in a long time as weird as it sounds and maybe what i'm trying to tell you is that he should respect that you want kids and there are guys out there who are looking for someone to have a family and kids who are emotionally available that for whatever reason never got married. I spent 7 years overseas in a crappy place not counting my time doing it in the military. I have 2 former engagements that crumbled due to them cheating. There are men out there that want the same. Don't settle. I would never marry someone and not have children because they were otherwise "perfect" That is a huge life goal for me is to have children and be married till old and grey. I wont give that up. I realize it is different for you but since you are debating leaving the relationship for kids I also tell you this because its the exact reason she left her guy.

Edited December 13, 2014 by ready4therightone

[mysteryscape]

Do you want kids? Then he will have to reverse his vasectomy, if that can be done and he wants to do it.

 

Otherwise, you should separate from him, take time to get over him, and look for someone more compatible. (And not until you're really over him; there's nothing worse than falling for someone who is pining for someone else).

[Blade96]

Nothing wrong with splitting up over irreconcilible differences - this being one of them - and because you are great together and wouldn't be a bad splitting up, and he is great, you could be friends.

 

Something to consider though. Hasn't been brought up here. Many people have the rainbows and unicorns relationship everybody thinks about when they have kids. But many people don't. My brother disowned us all - me and our parents.

 

Just letting you know that could happen, kids might hate you for some reason and leave - most leave anyway when they grow up and move out, but some have bad feelings

 

but if that happens and kids go - your spouse will still be with you and for you.

 

I don't want to tell anyone to have kids or not to have kids. It is theirs to make. Their bodies, their lives. I just want people to consider all before making a decision so they have all their info.

[smackie9]

I think you don't trust yourself to be able to find another nice guy, but now that you know what to look for, and you don't attract a holes anymore, you are perfectly capable now to do it. Have some faith in yourself.