6 months since DDay

[lostnadrift]

Hi all.. It's sad that we're here but there's comfort in misery and only BSs will truly be able to understand each other. This is my first time I write about my own experience, it's a cathartic rant so sorry it's going to be an avalanche of text.

 

My ex girlfriend and I had been together for 5 years. From year 4 onwards, she had an almost year long affair with OM, her colleague. DDay1 (yes, standard TT) was ironically on the night before the collection date of my proposal ring.

Thinking back now, it's one of those "truth is often stranger than fiction" truisms.

 

Had my suspicions for quite a while, standard red flags which I only recognized on hindsight after reading thousands of posts. (Constant messaging, being extremely protective of her phone and privacy, great reduction in an already LD relationship, change of underwear, new workplace with toxic friends and almost nightly drinks with those colleagues, Brazilian IPL, change in fashion sense, being emotionally distant, asking me to have sex with other women, love bites on her neck and breasts which were not from me since we weren't having sex by then 2 months to DDay, lesser patience with me and shortening temper etc the list goes on..)

 

My gut was always telling me something was wrong and once I even asked her outright if she had ever cheated on me to which she replied no, and I believed her because I wanted to. She was a shy, sweetest most innocent and beautiful girl. I pedestalized her and never thought she would ever cheat on me. If you ever saw us together you would think that I would likely be the one who cheats rather than her.

 

She's an incredibly beautiful woman so throughout our relationship she constantly had a lot of male attention. At first I was a bit uncomfortable but as our relationship grew, I trusted her completely. She would show me those texts from all those scumbags (they all knew she was attached) and we would laugh about it. She would respond to them sometimes for entertainment and I was ok with them but I always told her to not break their heart and not string them along. I had that much faith in us and I trusted her so much.

 

The nature of my work was such that I couldn't reply her messages on time. I was also working harder to increase our savings so that we would be financially secure in the near future. Soon she started being really close to a few guys. The amount of lies. I'll never know if it was just that OM or a few. She would show me edited messages and lie about who they were from. I would get angry because I felt those messages from the man were inappropriate and her responses to him were egging him on. It was an EA by then but at that point I didn't know what an EA was, just that it was very inappropriate.

 

From that time onwards I knew something was wrong. I kept asking her why did she talk like this to him and she would always say it was just for fun or that they were just friends or she would stop but then didn't. I also felt her slipping away. I kept asking her if she still loved me but she couldn't bring herself to say she did. I wanted to know what was going on. It was very frustrating because I felt something was being hidden from me but I couldn't (or maybe didn't want to) know what it was. One time she told me she wanted to see other men. I was shocked and I asked her why what happened but she finally just told me to forget she ever said that. She called me one time out of the blue crying and told me she loved me and she never want me to leave her. So I thought she was probably confused about us or having pre marriage jitters but she finally realized how much I loved her.

 

Then one day, I found a Valentine's day card from OM addressed to her name on the envelop. Devastated. She gaslighted me saying he wrote it for his gf, but he broke up with her so he brought the card and showed it to her and their mutual friend and then wanted to throw it away but she felt it was a waste so she got it from him, kept it and doodled her own name on the envelope. Incredible right? More incredible - I bought it. I knew it was incredibly unbelievable but I bought it, it was so hard to believe that I had to write down that convulated logic so as to remember why I bought it.

 

Then DDay1 came. Found out texts on her computer between them. Was totally devastated. Floor collapsed under me. Sobbing and crying. I recognized a tinge of relief though, some vindication. That my gut was right all along. Then started the TT. "Only a drunken ONS". I demanded to see everything on the computer. She refused. Eventually. "More than twice less than 10 PA".

 

I was crushed. I'd always idealized her. She wasn't perfect but I was convinced she was better than most, top 5 percentile of women. Made her break up with OM on the spot. She called him and did but unwillingly. Fell into depression. For the next whole week. Couldn't eat drink or sleep. Constipated. Spontaneous hemorrhoids. Lost 5kg within a week. Felt numbness on my skin. After that when I could sleep, I started to dream. Dreams, so many dreams! About her. About us 3 all talking but don't know about what.

 

Came to the conclusion that it was all my fault. Had to be my fault. Otherwise how could an angel like her do something like this? I pushed her into it. I was neglectful. I didn't spend enough time with her (even though throughout our relationship it was I who wanted to spend more time with her but she didn't want to). I worked too hard. I didn't have a car to drive her around etc etc.

 

So for the next 2 weeks I borrowed her parents car and became her personal chauffeur. I apologized. I convinced my parents that it was my fault. I bought her flowers. I booked a staycation for us to get together and heal. I dined her. We went car shopping together. I couldn't function. My work suffered, social engagements had to be cancelled. But for her, life goes on. Went for spas, friend's weddings. She even made a list of pros and cons for both OM and I.

 

During the staycation I realized she was still lying. So I snooped. I had known her phone code for sometime but never did anything because she was protective of her phone and I felt guilty for invading her privacy. An opportunity came and I emailed her and OM's chat to myself. I ended it with her. At that stage it was still very difficult for me. I loved her so much so very very much! I hadn't read the chat log yet.

 

If you're here for the first time, let me tell you this. What you are told, is only a minute watered down fraction of what actually happened. There were trips taken together with OM. Sexting with pictures. Plots of elopement. Plans to marry and then divorce me later to find OM. Suggestions by OM for her to marry me then cheat on me with him. Motel arrangements. Marathon sex. Sex 3-4 times a week whenever they could. Her doing things with him she never did with me. A sexual appetite that contrasted sharply against her sexual reticence towards me. A pregnancy scare which she decided to pin on me if the results came positive (yes they never ever use protection despite what they tell you, all sorts of rationalizations for that) Betrayal of secrets and personal information about myself to OM. OM insulting me and she laughing along with him at those insults.

 

The worst was seeing the texts AFTER Dday1. How they both plotted to converse with each other in a manner that showed that the affair ended so she could screenshot it and show it to me as proof. How the affair went on unchanged. More motel arrangements, more sexting. They went on with their marriage prep course. Telling OM that I was willing to let them both have the property we bought together if she chose to go with him and that I would pay for their downpayment (in my initial stage where I concluded it was all my fault I wanted to alleviate her financially by reimbursing her her share of the downpayment after cancellation of the property, I guess she saw an opportunity there)

 

I was furious! Anger overcame me and I confirmed the end of the relationship over text with her after I read it.

 

Then came threats of rape accusations against me when I demanded repayment for money which I'd loaned her. (To be fair I demanded it back lump sum when she offered installments. I was very angry after dday2 and told her to borrow from a bank because I didn't care). Wanting me to sign a non disclosure agreement after she found out I got those texts. Telling me she might be pregnant with my child (I guess to get me to take her back). Telling me to marry her in name because she wanted the property we had bought together. Telling me to let OM take over my share of the property instead of canceling the purchase.

 

She was my first love and I loved and trusted her more than anyone in the world. I guess she wasn't remorseful because even after dday2, they still went on their planned trip together.

 

I went for IC then stopped. I focussed on loving and taking care of myself, hit the gym, got my abs and arms, bought new clothes. Rebounded with a girl but ended it after a while realizing it for what it was and also due to her own issues. Then decided on a 1 year break from anything serious. And reading, always reading about the stories of others. Obsessive, maybe.

 

I feel like I've been so scarred by this that I will never be able to have a normal functional trusting relationship ever again. Of course I am ever thankful that besides the property there are no entanglements of children or marriage laws, no inflated child support payments or even more outrageously inflated and unjust alimony payments. And thankful that 5 years even though a long time, wasn't a decade or 2.

 

But I still feel regret sometimes, think about her everyday although less frequently so. Memories of the past just bubble up. Triggers everywhere. Anything will lead me back to those times we had together, just cuddling, just being together. Stupid pet names I had for her. Jokes only we could understand. Holidays we had. Early memories of her when she was that unassuming And modest but stunningly beautiful girl. The lost of the closest confidant and my best friend. I just feel so alone and directionless. Just drifting. Had plans with her for marriage and family with my single income. Raise 2 kids together who will grow up well with mother at home and dad hard at work setting a good example. Reaching financial freedom for us both so we never need to work because we have to but because we want to. All those dreams and plans, dashed. So now I float along the current of life, lost and adrift.

[Buckeye2]

You’re lucky you found out when you did. Your girlfriend and the other man agreed to let you have sex with her for financial gain. That makes her a prostitute and the other man her pimp.

[No Limit]

You're luckier than many other men who spend their lives with women like that. Even if you're saddened by it, it should actually make you feel relieved.

[road]

Be happy you just dodged a bullet. Better now to dump her then after marriage and kids.

[DbleBetrayal]

Wow, nasty. Really %$^&ing nasty. The amount of cruelty here blows my mind, I'm sorry. This person sounds like a monster. Be glad you never had children or married it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

She's a ho. Good riddance. Not worth another moment of your time, and sooner or sooner, that OM jackass is going to learn the same thing.

[stillcold]

Man, I'm so sorry to hear that; the amount and level of betrayal is unreal and my heart goes out to you. As others have said, you have dodged not just a bullet, but the equivalent of WW2. What you loved was not truly her, but what you believed she was. I don't blame you for falling in love with the good image you believed she was, as that's something worthy of falling in love with. But in the end, realize that she is not who you believed she was, and not something you could love if you knew that's who she truly was from the get go.

[HereNorThere]

I know it may seem like you'll never have chemistry with another person like you did in the beginning of your relationship with her, you will, I promise. Nearly everyone in life has been there and most of us made it out.

 

Give it some time, buddy. Plan out some trips, make some good cocktails, tell dirty jokes with your guy friends, do whatever you need to do to regain your strength and confidence.

 

We're human, we grieve. We also bury our dead and march forward.

 

godspeed

[drifter777]

Your eX GF is a selfish, conniving, bitch but you let her get away with it. You acted like a eunuch so you shouldn't be all that shocked that she eventually just walked all over you.

 

You REALLY NEED counseling. Be open and honest about this relationship and ask the counselor to help you become more confident and assertive. This is so beyond sad, but you asked for a good deal of the crap she served you.

[Raena]

Your eX GF is a selfish, conniving, bitch but you let her get away with it. You acted like a eunuch so you shouldn't be all that shocked that she eventually just walked all over you.

 

You REALLY NEED counseling. Be open and honest about this relationship and ask the counselor to help you become more confident and assertive. This is so beyond sad, but you asked for a good deal of the crap she served you.

 

Nobody "asks" to be cheated on, lied to and gaslighted in the manner in which this tramp did to the OP. NOBODY.

 

Don't listen to this OP, you did what you did because you believed in her and what you thought you had. That doesn't make you a doormat. It makes you a man who is capable of trying his damnedest to be a good man to his woman. It certainly isn't YOUR fault that she's a lying scumbag with no remorse and you didn't ask to be treated that way.

 

That being said... I do completely get where you are coming from. I know the feeling of emptiness that comes after a situation like this. It's difficult. The new you after this will never be like the old you that you were before her, but I bet one day you'll look back and realized you learned a great deal from all of this.

[RightThere]

Nobody "asks" to be cheated on, lied to and gaslighted in the manner in which this tramp did to the OP. NOBODY.

 

Don't listen to this OP, you did what you did because you believed in her and what you thought you had. That doesn't make you a doormat. It makes you a man who is capable of trying his damnedest to be a good man to his woman. It certainly isn't YOUR fault that she's a lying scumbag with no remorse and you didn't ask to be treated that way.

 

Don't mind Drifter. I love him and he has been through a lot and I appreciate all his posts.

 

And I do agree with him in some regards (speaking as a total doormat to a cheating wife). The situation around you is one that you create. There is no excuse for cheating, but when it goes on you have to take a hard look at yourself and what's around you that created the "opportunity" for it to happen.

Edited December 11, 2014 by RightThere
Because I'm an a-hole

[DbleBetrayal]

Don't mind Drifter. I love him and he has been through a lot and I appreciate all his posts.

 

And I do agree with him in some regards (speaking as a total doormat to a cheating wife). The situation around you is one that you create. There is no excuse for cheating, but when it goes on you have to take a hard look at yourself and what's around you that created the "opportunity" for it to happen.

 

 

I don't know. On one hand I can't fault OP for trusting blindly, we all do until something like this happens.

 

It's a shame. What is now identified as a doormat is simply someone who loved openly, innocently, unselfishly and compassionately. It takes a heart being ripped out and spat on in the most devastating of ways to never, ever love that same way again. And it's a real shame.

 

Yes, it will change you, make you 'stronger'. But it's a real shame all the same. And yeah you will probably be more assertive and much less patient with bullsh** in future, but something else dies in you too. And you can't ever get it back.

 

For me anyway, it sux when you realise you're always alert to bullsh**, every little thing you feel uncomfortable with, you will now feel the need to address or rectify. Not like the old days when you'd just relax and let things slide. That will never happen again, maybe in any part of your life.

 

The thought that people are all inherently good, especially the ones we readily let into our lives, will have long flown out the window.

Edited December 12, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[oldshirt]

wow what a post! Sorry to hear everything that you have gone through.

 

 

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you other than to move on and don't look back. Get out and start doing fun things with fun people and never let anyone pull the wool over your eyes or BS you or manipulate you again. Never put anyone so high up on a pedestal that you think they are incapable of shtty behavior or that they have the right to BS you or mistreat you.

 

 

What I want to appeal to you is please stick around and share your expertise and insights with other people that are going through the same thing.

 

 

You may feel like you've been destroyed and raked through the coals but in reality you are now a lot stronger and wiser and able to see through the BS. You will be able to help people protect themselves and see through the fog.

Edited December 12, 2014 by oldshirt

[sidney2718]

Just a dang minute here. I am really sorry that you are in this mess, but I'm glad you came here because you will get good advice.

 

I'm just bothered by one or two things. You said in your initial posting that before DD1 she'd come home with "love bites" on her upper body and breasts. I know you understood what those meant because you clearly remember them. But what did you think caused them and why didn't you understand right then that she was making passionate love to another person?

 

There are several other places where you had overwhelming evidence, but didn't seem to understand it. You've put all this down to innocence on your part, but isn't there more to it than that?

 

Last, now, when asked about the affair, SHE gets angry at YOU? That's retarded man. All you have to do is tell her that she talks or you walk. And then walk straight to the nearest lawyer and file for divorce.

 

Divorce takes time. When she is served (you need no evidence, that's what no-fault divorce is all about) she will see that you've manned up a bit. You will find that that will give you some satisfaction.

 

Get to that point and folks here will help you further.

[lostnadrift]

I know I should feel lucky, sometimes I do, most times I just mourn the lost of what we had. I'm at the age now where first marriages begin. Everyone around me is getting married. In this social environment it's hard not to feel like a failure.

 

Stillcold - I sometimes wonder whether this was who she was all along or did she change. The person in the text was so entirely different from the girl I knew all these years. My parents and the few close friends who know what happened were totally shocked. She showed no signs of such viciousness. I wondered if she had ever loved me at all, she claimed she did and I felt she did.

[lostnadrift]

I know it may seem like you'll never have chemistry with another person like you did in the beginning of your relationship with her, you will, I promise. Nearly everyone in life has been there and most of us made it out.

 

Give it some time, buddy. Plan out some trips, make some good cocktails, tell dirty jokes with your guy friends, do whatever you need to do to regain your strength and confidence.

 

We're human, we grieve. We also bury our dead and march forward.

 

godspeed

 

To be honest there were some problems from the get go. After the initial honeymoon phase, there were some problems in terms of intellectual compatibility. Our course of study were vastly different also, so we had little common interests. But I was so in love with her. And she had qualities of a good wife besides being so beautiful. Maybe I was blinded. Maybe I was inexperienced.

 

Thank you. Slowly Im picking myself up. I've faced so much **** and I've always picked myself up after that and triumphed. But this. This is the most devastating. Even the aftermath of my near death experience was nothing compared to this. She was my whole world, my raison dete and figured in every aspect of my plans.

[lostnadrift]

Your eX GF is a selfish, conniving, bitch but you let her get away with it. You acted like a eunuch so you shouldn't be all that shocked that she eventually just walked all over you.

 

You REALLY NEED counseling. Be open and honest about this relationship and ask the counselor to help you become more confident and assertive. This is so beyond sad, but you asked for a good deal of the crap she served you.

 

You wouldn't say that if you knew me IRL. I've lost jobs because I stood up and refused to take **** and unfair treatment from the boss even when it ran counter to culture. I've walked out of "friendships". Adviced friends to dump their overly demanding girlfriends because that's not wife material.

 

But when it comes to love, I had always believed it to be ever patient and giving and to have no end, no bounds. To love with all and everything. Purely and unreservedly. But now that's called codependency or being a doormat.

[lostnadrift]

Nobody "asks" to be cheated on, lied to and gaslighted in the manner in which this tramp did to the OP. NOBODY.

 

Don't listen to this OP, you did what you did because you believed in her and what you thought you had. That doesn't make you a doormat. It makes you a man who is capable of trying his damnedest to be a good man to his woman. It certainly isn't YOUR fault that she's a lying scumbag with no remorse and you didn't ask to be treated that way.

 

That being said... I do completely get where you are coming from. I know the feeling of emptiness that comes after a situation like this. It's difficult. The new you after this will never be like the old you that you were before her, but I bet one day you'll look back and realized you learned a great deal from all of this.

 

Thank you. But looking back, I don't deny there was a fair bit of denial and suppression of my gut. Had I been as objective with my own relationship as I am with my friends' I would've called bullsht a long time ago. I guess we are often blind to our own flaws..

 

Oh I learnt a great deal from this. The new me now is more hardened and cynical. I don't know if it a good thing, maybe it is because its a necessary thing. Instead of smooth baby skin now I feel like a scab. This was when I lost my innocence. Never understood that "life event" until the betrayal.

[lostnadrift]

Don't mind Drifter. I love him and he has been through a lot and I appreciate all his posts.

 

And I do agree with him in some regards (speaking as a total doormat to a cheating wife). The situation around you is one that you create. There is no excuse for cheating, but when it goes on you have to take a hard look at yourself and what's around you that created the "opportunity" for it to happen.

 

Drifter calls it for what it is viewing it through the lens he wears which have been colored by his own life experiences. I give just as hard hitting advice to my own friends.

 

I do agree with you. I didn't have boundaries with her. I have strong boundaries with everyone else. I should've, at the beginning, given her an ultimatum to break off such inappropriate text msgs with him or I'm gone. But I loved her so much! And boundaries are so hard to enforce with people you care about so much and are afraid to lose, easiest to enforce with people you don't give a damn if you never see them again. It requires a level of detachment to effectively enforce the boundaries if trespassed again. How is detachment a possible feeling towards someone you love so much? What a conundrum..

[Raena]

It really is sad that the innocence of loving someone wholeheartedly ends up being labeled as "doormat" or "codependent" or "self-esteem" issues.

 

When you truly love someone, it's hard to "see the forest for the trees". I'm sure you'll look back NOW at what you know about her and your relationship with her and say "How could I be SO blind!" The signs were there in your face. Maybe you didn't want to see it, I know I didn't. Bye bye rose colored glasses, hello cruel world.

[lostnadrift]

I don't know. On one hand I can't fault OP for trusting blindly, we all do until something like this happens.

 

It's a shame. What is now identified as a doormat is simply someone who loved openly, innocently, unselfishly and compassionately. It takes a heart being ripped out and spat on in the most devastating of ways to never, ever love that same way again. And it's a real shame.

 

Yes, it will change you, make you 'stronger'. But it's a real shame all the same. And yeah you will probably be more assertive and much less patient with bullsh** in future, but something else dies in you too. And you can't ever get it back.

 

For me anyway, it sux when you realise you're always alert to bullsh**, every little thing you feel uncomfortable with, you will now feel the need to address or rectify. Not like the old days when you'd just relax and let things slide. That will never happen again, maybe in any part of your life.

 

The thought that people are all inherently good, especially the ones we readily let into our lives, will have long flown out the window.

 

You are so on the money. This is exactly how i feel. This lost of innocence. If a person with whom I shared such open and pure love with could become like this then everyone else is not spared this possibility.

 

Baby skin to scab. Wish I could like this post more than once.

[lostnadrift]

wow what a post! Sorry to hear everything that you have gone through.

 

 

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you other than to move on and don't look back. Get out and start doing fun things with fun people and never let anyone pull the wool over your eyes or BS you or manipulate you again. Never put anyone so high up on a pedestal that you think they are incapable of shtty behavior or that they have the right to BS you or mistreat you.

 

 

What I want to appeal to you is please stick around and share your expertise and insights with other people that are going through the same thing.

 

 

You may feel like you've been destroyed and raked through the coals but in reality you are now a lot stronger and wiser and able to see through the BS. You will be able to help people protect themselves and see through the fog.

 

I will. I do want to help others, always wanted to.

[lostnadrift]

Just a dang minute here. I am really sorry that you are in this mess, but I'm glad you came here because you will get good advice.

 

I'm just bothered by one or two things. You said in your initial posting that before DD1 she'd come home with "love bites" on her upper body and breasts. I know you understood what those meant because you clearly remember them. But what did you think caused them and why didn't you understand right then that she was making passionate love to another person?

 

There are several other places where you had overwhelming evidence, but didn't seem to understand it. You've put all this down to innocence on your part, but isn't there more to it than that?

 

Last, now, when asked about the affair, SHE gets angry at YOU? That's retarded man. All you have to do is tell her that she talks or you walk. And then walk straight to the nearest lawyer and file for divorce.

 

Divorce takes time. When she is served (you need no evidence, that's what no-fault divorce is all about) she will see that you've manned up a bit. You will find that that will give you some satisfaction.

 

Get to that point and folks here will help you further.

 

We weren't married and live apart. It's different where I live.

 

Oh yes. I recognized those marks as love bites. At that point in time I didn't see her naked much, just once a week at most, dwindled to 0 near the end. But in my mind it just not possible that she would cheat, that's just not here at all. She was quiet, shy, doesn't flirt, disdains male attention and LD.

 

So in the end it made more sense to me that those were what she claimed they were, abrasion marks from her spa treatments. Perhaps there was some level of unconscious denial. My gut was sounding off but my rational mind was telling it it was wrong.

 

"There are several other places where you had overwhelming evidence, but didn't seem to understand it. You've put all this down to innocence on your part, but isn't there more to it than that?" - I don't understand this question, could you clarify please?

[lostnadrift]

It really is sad that the innocence of loving someone wholeheartedly ends up being labeled as "doormat" or "codependent" or "self-esteem" issues.

 

When you truly love someone, it's hard to "see the forest for the trees". I'm sure you'll look back NOW at what you know about her and your relationship with her and say "How could I be SO blind!" The signs were there in your face. Maybe you didn't want to see it, I know I didn't. Bye bye rose colored glasses, hello cruel world.

 

I still love her you know? Even after all this. I just can't be with her anymore. I can't explain it. I still care though I cannot be the conduit of that care.

 

She hates me, told me that in a recent email. But I don't hate her, never hated her, can't bring myself to. She's possibly ruined my life and my future relationships but I don't hate her. I just feel a roller coaster of emotions of a generally decreasing amplitude swinging between anger and sadness.

 

Maybe that's why I haven't had the "How could I be SO blind" epiphany yet, because i still love her. Or maybe it's because all along my gut was already telling me something is wrong but my head was rationalizing it for her so I wasnt truly blindsided by it. I don't know..

[Conqueror36]

Your story is even more heartbroken than mine. Just found out today that the reason we broke up wasn't just because of her falling out of love with me due to her responsibility as a mother, but that she cheated on me with another guy. I allow her to go back to her home country to visit family and stuff, but it turned out she was hooking up with a guy there and was lying to me the whole time. Saying that she's glad the relationship is over because it's so stressful and that having a relationship with anyone right now is out of the question. So I decided to spy on her and low and behold she has someone in Vietnam after just 1 month there. This is after a 4 year LTR.

 

Funny thing is she still have the audacity to say that she want to be friends with me BS after I presented to her the evidence.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Conqueror36