6 months since DDay

[lostnadrift]

First things first: get counseling. I assure you there's a stigma about counseling everywhere; our society still thinks getting counseling is for people who are weak or crazy. It's not. A good therapist can save you decades of tears, anguish and misery, just by giving you the tools you need to take care of yourself. Most employers offer at least six free sessions through their EAPs. Also, if you live in the United States, you or your insurer may be able to find a provider who offers a sliding scale. If you live near a university you should be able to find free professional assistance in their counseling department. Make some phone calls.

 

It sounds like you are both very young, possibly still in college. Unfortunately, most people are at their craziest or worst at this age because they're old enough to be very cruel, but too young to understand the consequences. The good news is that people change dramatically throughout their 20s. Your ex may well grow out of it, recover, and become a decent person. But she'll probably need the help of a good therapist too.

 

My boyfriend met his first love in high school. They fell madly for each other, went to college together, and really made it work. At 21 he proposed. They were engaged for nearly a year until one night she called him, sobbing. "I can't do this anymore. I cheated on you."

 

Needless to say, he was devastated. After trying to work it out for several months they both agreed it was impossible and went their separate ways. He didn't get help and fell into a depression so bleak it came to define him. He eventually settled into this twisted philosophy: some people get to be happy, and some people have to make others happy even if they aren't happy themselves. This is how he ended up in a long-term relationship with a friend who loved him dearly but he didn't reciprocate. He was afraid of being alone and thought he couldn't be happy anymore, but knew she was happy, so he stuck with it. When I first met him he was introduced to me as "the guy who's brilliant but miserable."

 

Is that the future you want for yourself? You have to get ahead of this before it consumes you completely. I won't lie; the next few years of your life are going to be incredibly tough no matter what you do. But getting the help of a professional and practicing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) will make a huge difference. Your friends can listen to your problems, but they can't help you in an objective, unbiased way, and they don't have the experience to know what you need. If one therapist really isn't working for you don't be afraid to see another. Buy a CBT workbook off Amazon or even look into some CBT phone apps. Make an effort to work on yourself every day.

 

There are precious few certainties in life, but here's one of them: awful things happen. Awful things are guaranteed to happen no matter who or where you are. Your only hope is to learn how to take care of yourself so you can cope with the worst when it comes. What you went through is obviously traumatizing, but you can lessen the degree of that trauma if you're proactive in good self-care.

 

- Go to the gym. (I'm a powerlifter so I'm biased towards this answer, but still!)

- Watch your diet.

- Sleep as much as possible.

- Motivate yourself. Even if it's just "I won't let this break me" written on an index card in your wallet.

- Read a new book on something you know nothing about.

- Find something really ridiculous on Netflix to keep in your back pocket for the hardest times.

- Grab your friends and go places you used to go with her. Try to reclaim these places in your mind.

- Don't try to ignore the horrible thoughts. Instead, set aside 15-30 minutes a day to think about it. When you catch yourself thinking about it just remember that you can deal with it later during that designated time. Eventually you'll discover you're just thinking of the same things, over and over, and it's kind of boring. Shorten that interval until you don't want to think about it at all anymore. Yeah, it takes months.

- GET HELP.

 

You'll make it, I promise. But if you want to avoid years of unhappiness, low self-esteem and failed relationships, you need to start setting the groundwork for a healthy self today.

 

And in case you're wondering what happened to my boyfriend, well, he got help. He ended his painful long-term relationship, moved out and started pursuing his hobbies again. We began dating. He turned into a total rockstar at work. A few months after we began dating, he tearfully confessed it was his first ex's wedding night, but he hadn't thought about it much because he was with me, and how he felt like he was finally capable of being happy in a relationship again. So...nearly six years after being crushed into pieces, he's back and better than ever. But he didn't do it alone. And neither should you.

 

Thank you so much for this. Really. I've already started a gym and diet routine, and I'm in my best shape ever.. Unfortunately we're both in our mid to late 20s. Maybe we're just not emotionally matured enough.

 

I'm so happy for you and your boyfriend.. So happy he got out of it..

 

I can feel myself getting cynical and jaded. This has become "the event" of my life. I'm seeing concepts like alphas and betas and sht tests everywhere. Am I being realistic or am I being negative? I have lost my innocence for sure. I see relationships as people using each other, love being capricious and conditional.

 

It's a very cold and harsh reality and not what I'd envision love to be. My rational mind tells me marriage and the works is just too risky and not worth it, to just go MGTOW and be single forever. It so sad because I wanted to be a young father and have a happy family. It's slipping away.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Lostnadrift, I'd strongly recommend you google "No more mr. nice guy free pdf" and read the book. It has helped me tremendously, and I think it might help you as well!

 

Also, I advise you to read:

- "Codependent no more"

- "5 languages of love"

- "His needs, her needs"

- "Not just friends"

- "Surviving an affair"

- "Families and how to survive them"

- "Toxic parents"

 

These are all great books that have been invaluable in my personal growth and better "equipping" myself emotionally for life and future relationships.

 

What was your childhood like, if I may ask? And the relationship between your parents?

 

Best wishes

[oldshirt]

responses in bold below

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't explicitly say she wanted to pin the potential baby on me.. I remembered right about that month during the pregnancy scare she told me she might be pregnant and wanted to know what my reaction would be. I told her I would be happy with the results either way because I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. She was very happy with my answer. I never suspected the paternity of the potential baby.

 

She did mention to OM that if she chose him, that I would pay for the downpayment of the property. I however told her that since we're canceling the purchase, we would forfeit our downpayment and I would reimburse her her share of the downpayment since it was "my fault she cheated".

 

Circumstantially, it looked like she would accept the money from me, tell me some how that property has been cancelled, then replace my name with OM's name. But it's not possible at all as I would need to sign for the replacement and I would know.

 

 

Those are all just excuses to minimize her bad behavior and to justify not taking any action to hold her accountable.

 

You are right. It is the right thing to do. But I can't bring myself to do it even though I know it is the right thing to do.

 

 

There is a word for knowing what is the right course of action but not taking it because you don't want to upset anyone - "weakness."

All evil needs to thrive and flourish is for good people to do nothing.

 

 

 

 

It will destroy her.

 

 

it won't destroy her. it will hold her accountable for her actions and show her that bad actions carry consequences.

 

 

She has a history of depression and has expressed a wish to die before.

 

 

female dramatics. she uses that as manipulations to get her way and to not be held accountable for her bad behavior.

 

 

 

 

I don't want to push her over the edge.

 

 

you aren't getting it. her fragile, damsel in distress persona is an act and a way of manipulating others. She is wolf in baby lamb's clothing. It's an act she puts on to hide her dark and sinister soul.

exposing her will upset her because she wants to get away with it and continue to manipulate people and have the cater to her in the manner that you do. Exposure will upset her and make her mad but it will not harm her. She is the one that is harming others. She is the dark force. You not taking any action is what she needs to continue her path of manipulations and lies.

 

 

 

 

[lostnadrift]

"Destroying" someone is never the right thing to do. Unless you have documented, incontrovertible evidence of her committing a crime, you're wasting your time. Being a horrible person isn't a criminal offense. If we all tried to expose everyone who ever hurt us we'd never get anything done. In this case it would just look terrible for you both. The outside world will not be very interested in who wronged whom, just that you're both making a huge deal out of it and can't deal with your feelings appropriately. If anything she'll just paint you to look like a deranged stalker who can't let go.

 

It is extremely unlikely that she'd kill herself over this---you're both young enough that in a few years none of this will even matter---but it would indeed be devastating. It will devastate you, too, because it'll drag her back into your life and you'll spend even more time thinking, worrying, and obsessing over her every move. You don't need that right now, you need to heal.

 

You don't have to forgive her. Forgiveness is a nice thing to do for yourself, but you don't have to do it if you don't feel it. You can hate her or be angry at her for the rest of your life if you want. If you focus on healing yourself, though, you will hopefully reach a point where you won't be dominated by those negative feelings. I have an ex who really annihilated my life and I will never forgive him for it, but I have no desire to hurt him either. I just don't want anything to do with him ever again. That's all.

 

I don't require vindication or sympathy from my peer group, only a very small handful know the true reason. I just want to slowly move on. I don't need anyone to know what she did. I do hope she changes her ways though. I don't know if I've forgiven her or not, I'm not forcing anything. I just don't hate her. I'm hurt and very disappointed and at times very angry. But I know if she ever got hurt or anything bad happens to her I would still feel pain.

[lostnadrift]

Lostnadrift, I'd strongly recommend you google "No more mr. nice guy free pdf" and read the book. It has helped me tremendously, and I think it might help you as well!

 

Also, I advise you to read:

- "Codependent no more"

- "5 languages of love"

- "His needs, her needs"

- "Not just friends"

- "Surviving an affair"

- "Families and how to survive them"

- "Toxic parents"

 

These are all great books that have been invaluable in my personal growth and better "equipping" myself emotionally for life and future relationships.

 

What was your childhood like, if I may ask? And the relationship between your parents?

 

Best wishes

 

Thank you for your recommendations.

 

My childhood was good. Stressful during the formative years due to school pressures. Parents are happily married and they both love me very much. No addiction problems on their part, strong values. I had a Christian upbringing. Home was a stable environment. Basically my parents did a good job.

[lostnadrift]

responses in bold below

 

I hear you. Sigh. I can't do it.

[BetrayedH]

I don't know if I've forgiven her or not, I'm not forcing anything.

 

I think it would be wise to ask yourself why you would forgive someone who hasn't expressed any remorse or asked for forgiveness.

 

Cheating results in a heavy blow to the ego for the person betrayed. The reality is that she owns 100% of the responsibility for her piss poor decision to betray you. Unless she shows true remorse and asks for forgiveness, she doesn't remotely deserve it and you do yourself a disservice by offering it on the cheap.

 

Get your head straight friend. This is all on her and none of it is on you. Screw the forgiveness. Focus on acceptance and detachment.

[lostnadrift]

I think it would be wise to ask yourself why you would forgive someone who hasn't expressed any remorse or asked for forgiveness.

 

Cheating results in a heavy blow to the ego for the person betrayed. The reality is that she owns 100% of the responsibility for her piss poor decision to betray you. Unless she shows true remorse and asks for forgiveness, she doesn't remotely deserve it and you do yourself a disservice by offering it on the cheap.

 

Get your head straight friend. This is all on her and none of it is on you. Screw the forgiveness. Focus on acceptance and detachment.

 

There are those who say that forgiveness is a step to letting go and moving on. Personally for me, forgiveness isn't the issue here.. It's not a target I have, it isn't something that I can will, it is a response to remorse and recompense.

 

The cheating, deception and the betrayals are all on her 100%. But I do take responsibility for the events that led up to it. Mistakes were made on my part due to inexperience in relationships (ie didn't recognize signs, pedastalization etc) and also due to me taking the relationship for granted, thinking it would run on automatic while focussing my energies on a stable financial future.

 

Since she's very pretty, she probably expected a lot of heavy lifting on my part and felt envious that other not so pretty girls were getting much better treatment from their boyfriends than she was getting from me.

[jbrent890]

There are those who say that forgiveness is a step to letting go and moving on. Personally for me, forgiveness isn't the issue here.. It's not a target I have, it isn't something that I can will, it is a response to remorse and recompense.

 

The cheating, deception and the betrayals are all on her 100%. But I do take responsibility for the events that led up to it. Mistakes were made on my part due to inexperience in relationships (ie didn't recognize signs, pedastalization etc) and also due to me taking the relationship for granted, thinking it would run on automatic while focussing my energies on a stable financial future.

 

Since she's very pretty, she probably expected a lot of heavy lifting on my part and felt envious that other not so pretty girls were getting much better treatment from their boyfriends than she was getting from me.

 

Bro do you listen to yourself? This girl betrayed you in such a horrific way and all you can do is justify it for her. I don't care how hot she may be or how much attention she thought she deserved, you did not deserve what she did to you. This girl isn't suicidal and she is not some porcelain doll that can easily break. She is a nasty human being and it is about time you realize this. She needs to face the consequences for what she did or she is going to do it to someone else. Also, from what it sounds like, I don't care how much or how little you could have done in the relationship, this girl more than likely would have cheated regardless. I guarantee you are not the first person she has done it to and I'm sure you won't be the last.

[thummper]

There are those who say that forgiveness is a step to letting go and moving on. Personally for me, forgiveness isn't the issue here.. It's not a target I have, it isn't something that I can will, it is a response to remorse and recompense.

 

The cheating, deception and the betrayals are all on her 100%. But I do take responsibility for the events that led up to it. Mistakes were made on my part due to inexperience in relationships (ie didn't recognize signs, pedastalization etc) and also due to me taking the relationship for granted, thinking it would run on automatic while focussing my energies on a stable financial future.

 

Since she's very pretty, she probably expected a lot of heavy lifting on my part and felt envious that other not so pretty girls were getting much better treatment from their boyfriends than she was getting from me.

 

 

Not much of a reason to betray you. I fear you're in for a lot more pain from this lady. Good luck to you.

[BetrayedH]

There are those who say that forgiveness is a step to letting go and moving on. Personally for me, forgiveness isn't the issue here.. It's not a target I have, it isn't something that I can will, it is a response to remorse and recompense.

 

Excellent.

 

The cheating, deception and the betrayals are all on her 100%. But I do take responsibility for the events that led up to it. Mistakes were made on my part due to inexperience in relationships (ie didn't recognize signs, pedastalization etc) and also due to me taking the relationship for granted, thinking it would run on automatic while focussing my energies on a stable financial future.

 

Since she's very pretty, she probably expected a lot of heavy lifting on my part and felt envious that other not so pretty girls were getting much better treatment from their boyfriends than she was getting from me.

 

Gee, your mistakes sound atrocious.

 

Just recommending that you keep it all in perspective. Your mistakes were well-intentioned or naive. Hers were a bit, um, different.

 

Certainly you'll learn from your mistakes. I, too, learned not to take my relationships for granted (and brought away several other good "tips" about women). But sadly, much of that learning was when I was willingly blameshifting my wife's affair onto myself. The fact is that if these women had "relationship" issues (unmet needs, blah, blah, barf), they had an obligation to fix the relationship or leave it. They did neither. It's not our fault that they went and searched for the solution in some other dude's pants.

 

To return to my point, keep it all in perspective. This event shouldn't fundamentally change your self-image because it wasn't about you. Sure, you can adjust your approach to relationships (learning is a good thing) but I think you should be questioning your continued love for her. She ain't a real lovable person. If you're in love with anything, it's who you thought she was or perhaps who you wish she was.

[stillcold]

I know I should feel lucky, sometimes I do, most times I just mourn the lost of what we had. I'm at the age now where first marriages begin. Everyone around me is getting married. In this social environment it's hard not to feel like a failure.

 

Stillcold - I sometimes wonder whether this was who she was all along or did she change. The person in the text was so entirely different from the girl I knew all these years. My parents and the few close friends who know what happened were totally shocked. She showed no signs of such viciousness. I wondered if she had ever loved me at all, she claimed she did and I felt she did.

 

Hey buddy, sorry I got back late to your reply.. again like I said man, my heart truly goes out to you. I know you are in an insurmountable level of deep pain as you still deeply love her.

 

In the end, like you I wonder too if she changed radically or she was like this all along and the most logical and rational answer I can think of and believe myself is this: she was like this all along, it was her true character from the get-go. Why you ask? Well, if she truly was the innocent and beautiful and morally upright person you believed her to be, she could not have done such a betrayal without the guilt killing her on the inside. Yet she not only went along with the betrayal, but she also made the wound deeper on you.

 

My man, she never loved you as you thought; I say this for your comfort, in the most loving and gentle way I can. The beautiful, innocent, and morally upright person you and your family believed her to be would not be capable of such betrayal and lies, that's what we both know has to be true as someone with such a character would not be capable of such premeditated, cold, dishonest, and disloyal behavior after all she had claimed to be, including her profession of love for you.

 

You fell in love with the image she presented of herself; it was a false image, but it was ultimately not her. I too would have fallen in love with a girl that she presented herself to be, but sadly she was not who she said to be. A person like that would not be capable of what she did to you; you may not be able to accept it now, but in due time remember this. It will help you through the storm.

 

We are here for you, get back to us and we're all here to support you during this rough time. Blessings my brother.

[lostnadrift]

Bro do you listen to yourself? This girl betrayed you in such a horrific way and all you can do is justify it for her. I don't care how hot she may be or how much attention she thought she deserved, you did not deserve what she did to you. This girl isn't suicidal and she is not some porcelain doll that can easily break. She is a nasty human being and it is about time you realize this. She needs to face the consequences for what she did or she is going to do it to someone else. Also, from what it sounds like, I don't care how much or how little you could have done in the relationship, this girl more than likely would have cheated regardless. I guarantee you are not the first person she has done it to and I'm sure you won't be the last.

 

No, what she has done is unjustifiable. But we both share the responsibility of the relationship deteriorating to that point.

 

Sigh.. I really don't want to take that chance.. I did tell her mother the reason why we broke up but she doesn't know how deep the betrayal went. So at least there's someone to watch and reign her if néed be. She isn't my problem anymore. Don't want to be involved..

[lostnadrift]

Not much of a reason to betray you. I fear you're in for a lot more pain from this lady. Good luck to you.

 

Not a reason at all, just trying to understand why she did what she did. It's still inexcusable though, she could've just broken it off and told me straight why.

 

I'm accepting and detaching now, albeit slowly. The pain now is less than before, writing here helps actually. The fact that other people are aware of the amount of pain I had been put through does alleviate it to a small degree.

[lostnadrift]

Excellent.

 

 

 

Gee, your mistakes sound atrocious.

 

Just recommending that you keep it all in perspective. Your mistakes were well-intentioned or naive. Hers were a bit, um, different.

 

Certainly you'll learn from your mistakes. I, too, learned not to take my relationships for granted (and brought away several other good "tips" about women). But sadly, much of that learning was when I was willingly blameshifting my wife's affair onto myself. The fact is that if these women had "relationship" issues (unmet needs, blah, blah, barf), they had an obligation to fix the relationship or leave it. They did neither. It's not our fault that they went and searched for the solution in some other dude's pants.

To return to my point, keep it all in perspective. This event shouldn't fundamentally change your self-image because it wasn't about you. Sure, you can adjust your approach to relationships (learning is a good thing) but I think you should be questioning your continued love for her. She ain't a real lovable person. If you're in love with anything, it's who you thought she was or perhaps who you wish she was.

 

Haha of course they do.

 

Yes i totally agree with you there. I know it shouldn't change my self image but it has been badly wounded nonetheless but it will heal with time..

 

This continued "love" I feel for her isnt something that I can control to be honest. Like forgiveness, it isn't something I can confer or remove at will.

 

Perhaps with time it will fade away, perhaps not. Truth be told feelings cannot be helped, no one can directly control the way they feel. I can only control the things I can like my actions and to some extend my thoughts. With the right thoughts and actions, the consequential feelings might mitigate with time I hope..

[lostnadrift]

Hey buddy, sorry I got back late to your reply.. again like I said man, my heart truly goes out to you. I know you are in an insurmountable level of deep pain as you still deeply love her.

 

In the end, like you I wonder too if she changed radically or she was like this all along and the most logical and rational answer I can think of and believe myself is this: she was like this all along, it was her true character from the get-go. Why you ask? Well, if she truly was the innocent and beautiful and morally upright person you believed her to be, she could not have done such a betrayal without the guilt killing her on the inside. Yet she not only went along with the betrayal, but she also made the wound deeper on you.

 

My man, she never loved you as you thought; I say this for your comfort, in the most loving and gentle way I can. The beautiful, innocent, and morally upright person you and your family believed her to be would not be capable of such betrayal and lies, that's what we both know has to be true as someone with such a character would not be capable of such premeditated, cold, dishonest, and disloyal behavior after all she had claimed to be, including her profession of love for you.

 

You fell in love with the image she presented of herself; it was a false image, but it was ultimately not her. I too would have fallen in love with a girl that she presented herself to be, but sadly she was not who she said to be. A person like that would not be capable of what she did to you; you may not be able to accept it now, but in due time remember this. It will help you through the storm.

 

We are here for you, get back to us and we're all here to support you during this rough time. Blessings my brother.

 

Thank you so much for this Stillcold, I really appreciate it..

 

There was a period where she was losing weight and sleep which on hindsight coincided with the early period of the affair. She started back on her antidepressants and she was back to regular visits with her psychiatrist. She asking me to have sexy with other women and that time she called me crying. Those were to my mind manifestations of her cracking under the guilt. But she never told me the true reasons for the above symptoms.

 

Sigh. She told me after dday2 that she loved me unconditionally during those 4 years prior to her affair. I don't know. Then again before dday1 she told me she felt she had never felt passionate love for me before. Even though not a DDay, that revelation was very painful, it made the whole relationship a lie.

 

I guess I'll never know the truth of it all.