Savannah2 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Well don't allow it. Tell him to take a really long pause..... like forever and walk away. Find yourself a man who will not be having the guilty dramas on you. This kind of emotional push/pull is devestating emotionally for you. Do you want to involved in this kind of relationship for the rest of your life. I decided I didn't and I walked away. Poppy. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just don't understand how he can turn it on and off like that with me. Especially hurtful when he does it after we have been intimate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just don't understand how he can turn it on and off like that with me. Especially hurtful when he does it after we have been intimate. I think you should shift your focus to 'understanding' you more than him. Ask yourself why you are willing to be a secret? Why you are willing to be a 3rd wheel? An interloper? Why are you willing to settle for someone you have to share? Or who can only give you bits and pieces of themselves. Forget why he does what he does. It doesn't matter why. Why do you do what you did and why do you still what that? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me. Because that is how many MM/MW's keep their sanity, if you can call it that. I can't even count the number of times this is happened in my A. When things start getting really hot she can't compartmentalize very well and backs away a bit. I can see it coming a mile away. It is frustrating as hell, but it is her way of dealing with it. We have had discussions, fights, breaks about it, but she just gets too overwhelmed, so she has to back off for a time. You either accept it for what it is, or you don't/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant... 21 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just don't understand how he can turn it on and off like that with me. Especially hurtful when he does it after we have been intimate. Because many men are able to separate love and sex. He knows how deeply you feel for him so chances are after being intimate with you he backs off so allow you not to get so attached to him. The space is more so he doesn't have to face you and say the I love you's etc...And also he probably does feel guilty so he needs back off for his own sake. You seem to be taking the affair more for what it's worth. If you want to continue being his OW, then detach more and stop putting him first, stop investing so much emotions into him. Get busy and enjoy time with family and friends, especially with Christmas coming up, you need to not rely on him and be so cozy/attached to him. Or, if you are this unhappy with how things are going, tell him what you expect of him and if he can't do as you ask, then think about ending it. Why settle for less. If you want a man to love you, be with you all the time then you need to break up with him, end your affair and find a single guy who will love only you and be able to meet all your needs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just don't understand how he can turn it on and off like that with me. Especially hurtful when he does it after we have been intimate. Because he loves his wife. Having sex with you brings him guilt, shame and regret. Read that over and over and over. Those are the feelings you inspire. I'm not trying to be cruel, im a MOW myself with an MM. It's the reality of the situation and unfortunately what I see are two people trying to force it when neither of you are really cut out for an affair. He has too much guilt and you are too attached. He will never leave his wife. This won't end with a happily ever after for you. So what's your end game here? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Because many men are able to separate love and sex. He knows how deeply you feel for him so chances are after being intimate with you he backs off so allow you not to get so attached to him. The space is more so he doesn't have to face you and say the I love you's etc...And also he probably does feel guilty so he needs back off for his own sake. You seem to be taking the affair more for what it's worth. If you want to continue being his OW, then detach more and stop putting him first, stop investing so much emotions into him. Get busy and enjoy time with family and friends, especially with Christmas coming up, you need to not rely on him and be so cozy/attached to him. Or, if you are this unhappy with how things are going, tell him what you expect of him and if he can't do as you ask, then think about ending it. Why settle for less. If you want a man to love you, be with you all the time then you need to break up with him, end your affair and find a single guy who will love only you and be able to meet all your needs. THIS! I couldn't have said it better. I will remind you that he...is...MARRIED! Enough said 4 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Or his wife is getting suspicious so he will back up long enough to focus on her and make her feel special enough not to worry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me. He's not a good man. Do good men hurt their lovers? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I'm not sure exactly what you expect. Or what you are asking. Of course he is asking for a pause. He is MARRIED. To someone else. That is, not you. If you want the pauses over guilt after sex to stop, stop having sex with him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 It seems as if they do this it will continue. You're going to have to decide if that is acceptable to you. Please now that it is the most miserable thing in the world. Think twice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 I think that things are going better for him in his marriage. For whatever reason, she is trying harder to make him happy. I think that when things are good with them, the guilt hits him harder and he pushes away from me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 I think that things are going better for him in his marriage. For whatever reason, she is trying harder to make him happy. I think that when things are good with them, the guilt hits him harder and he pushes away from me. And you like having to be all in the know and involved in other people's relationships? I, for one, have my own life to live and could not care less what some woman is doing or not doing in her relationship with her husband. Hence, the reason I keep telling him to get lost. MM are a real pain in the ass if you ask me. It's annoying how much time and energy they suck out of your life, don't you agree? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 Very good point. It makes me feel very used and it just reinforces the fact that he loves her, not me. I have seen her make him absolutely miserable yet he always falls all over himself to try to make her happy. Then there's me over in the sidelines waiting for crumbs while he is focusing on her and get needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Many MM see an affair as an indulgence and don't want to go overboard. Kind of like...if I eat too much, I'll get a stomach ache. If I drink, too much I'll get a hangover. If I drive too fast, i'll get a ticket. They pull back because they want to stay married and getting too close for too long threatens that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 You should take his words very seriously. They're your cue to permanently end the relationship. Stop wasting time trying to figure out why or how he can be so cold. Men are good at that because they can compartmentalize things. The truth is, he should feel guilty and you need to cut him loose. Walk away from this crap. Being with a MM is a complete and utter waste of your life. It doesn't matter how kind or wonderful or great he is. He is not free. That's all you need to know. And I'm speaking from experience here. My xMM is a wonderful man and I will always admire him and care about him. But I will never, ever let that hopeless relationship rip me up again. I hope you will find the strength to disentangle yourself from it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Bath tub... well said. I feel the same as you. I will never allow that relationship to rekindle and consume my life again. Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 This has been going on for 3 years. I have told him I love him and his response is I know you do. But he has never said it to me. I don't know what it's going to take to walk away for good. He always wants to leave the door open during his "break". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 What do you want from him? Do you want him to leave his BS for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 I was married when we started this. In a very bad marriage that needed to end. We are separating. I think I want for him to be more consistent with me with how he treats me. He will be very attentive and want me and then go cold and back off. And I wreck myself trying to figure out why he backs off and what I did wrong. I start feeling really down on myself comparing myself to his wife telling myself that I'm not as pretty as her or as good in bed. It's a terrible cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 I was married when we started this. In a very bad marriage that needed to end. We are separating. I think I want for him to be more consistent with me with how he treats me. He will be very attentive and want me and then go cold and back off. And I wreck myself trying to figure out why he backs off and what I did wrong. I start feeling really down on myself comparing myself to his wife telling myself that I'm not as pretty as her or as good in bed. It's a terrible cycle. This is so sad. Someone who loves you NEVER does this to you even once, let alone several times. Get away from this jerk. You love hi. So you assign him all of these wonderful qualities that he does not have. He cheats on women who love him. That's who he is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 If you sleep with married men you will have problems. They are married for a reason, What I do not get is why any body would sleep with married people. Their is plenty of single people and the same goes for married people they have no business being married is they intend to cheat.It asking for problems next thing you know every other man and other woman are going to have a problem with all the ex's coming after their man for screwing up their marriages.People get hurt.Do you want to have a cheater or would you rather be with someone that gives their all.you deserve more then that and so does the people that get cheated on. He is using you for only a portion that's missing in his marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) This has been going on for 3 years. I have told him I love him and his response is I know you do. But he has never said it to me. I don't know what it's going to take to walk away for good. He always wants to leave the door open during his "break". And it will go on for another 3 yrs, or another 30 - however long you're willing to allow yourself to be the one on the back burner. He has said nothing to you to indicate that he intends to leave his marriage, and has actually conveyed the exact opposite of that. This is not about him wanting to leave the door open. It's not about what he wants at all. This is what a break up is about. YOU decide what you're going to do and he has no choice but to comply. Your words sound like the words of a victim. Is that what you are? The problem is, you have this fantasy in your head about his feelings for you and the potential future you may have. The sad truth is that even if he's madly in love with you - and he may be - he will not leave his wife. Women make the sad mistake of thinking that just because a man sleeps with her, acts in love, and won't let her go, that it means he will change his life for her. He's leading you on by these things, even if he never says anthing else to encourage you, and you're hanging onto it because it gives you hope. Hopefully, you'll realize someday soon that there is no hope and you are wasting precious years on your life with a man who's willing to let you do just that. I'm not saying he's a horrible person or that he's being deliberately mean. But, what I am saying is that most people will not make a decision for you when it concerns your life. The truth is, if he is ever going to leave his wife, it won't happen while the two of you are together. You see, by being there for him, you're actually making his marriage look better. Your presence is filling in the gaps and is making it easier for him to live with his wife, if they actually have problems. I don't know if you saw my thread about overhearing a conversation between my xMM and a friend of his. But what I overheard him say is that all he and his wife do is fight, and that maybe he should get a boat. You see, he would much prefer to live away from her on a boat than get a divorce. It only made me more happy that I ended our long-term affair because even what we had is not enough to make him change his mind. To this day, he does not want to lose touch with me. But I stopped seeing that as a positive thing. I learned a long time ago that it ultimately meant nothing. Overhearing that conversation just convinced me even more how much I was wasting my time. It breaks my heart that I can see you're doing the same thing. I'm here to tell you that you need to somehow figure how a way to let your common sense and self-respect overrule your emotions so that you an leave this situation. You're making a huge mistake by staying in it. Edited December 13, 2014 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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